If Submission in Marriage is So Wonderful and Perfect…
These are questions for those men and women that believe in female submission in serious long-term relationships and marriage. Please post your responses in the comments section.
- What are the particular benefits to being in a submissive relationship for the man? For the woman?
- What benefits do you perceive that you get that a couple in a more egalitarian partnership don’t have?
- If submissive relationships work so well, then why aren’t more women that believe in submission (usually religious), happily married?
- If submissive relationships work so well, then why don’t the women involved in them stay married?
- If being submissive is so great, why can’t the male submit to the female? Why does it always have to be HER that submits to him?
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Submissive marriages aren’t perfect, but they they tend to be more stable because they have a long history. In response to your questions:
1) The advantage of female submission is that it’s an old and established relationship structure. It conforms to generally accepted and deeply ingrained gender norms, what it means to me masculine or feminine. There are long-held beliefs about certain traits that should be specific to men or women, and these preconceptions persist despite what people may say about wanting gender equality.
2) The submissive relationship benefits from embracing traditional gender roles. An egalitarian relationship requires that the couple abandon traditional gender roles. Men are especially loathe to do this, as it degrades them in the eyes of both men and women. Feminism has gone a long way toward eliminating the idea of “a woman’s place is…” However, it hasn’t made much progress in fighting the idea that “a real man should…” This makes egalitarian relationships much more difficult than submissive ones.
3) If a woman’s idea of submission comes from her religion, then she can only be happily married if she is truly devout and she marries a man who is equally devout. Most religious people can talk the talk, but they fall short on walking the walk. And a good marriage requires walking the walk every day.
4) See above. Women in submissive relationships don’t stay married for the same reasons they aren’t happily married.
5) The idea isn’t that submissive = good. The idea is that submissive = feminine. Once you start assigning people distinctions based on gender it becomes inevitable that one will become dominant. Separate can never be equal. And it stands to reason that the gender that winds up being assigned the duties that involve brute force and violence is probably going to be the dominant gender.
In theory you could have a relationship where a husband submits to his wife. In practice, most women despise submissive men. This is why the Nice Guy doesn’t get the girl.
For the record, I’m not religious and I’m not interested in having a woman submit to me. But I recognize that egalitarian relationships are inherently much more difficult to maintain because they require a lot of social de-programming.
Nice guys don’t get the girl because they have no sex appeal. They are usually whiney, demanding undercover control freaks. They reach for women out of their league socially, in looks, in every way imaginable then get angry when she has no interest in them. I have said it several times that men really need to understand their value in the dating market. Because you have a degree and a job does not elevate your status or make you marketable. You don’t LOOK like anything and the things you do and say do not inspire passion in a woman, so women don’t want you. It’s that simple. You may be short, so women don’t want you. You have a fonky attitude, so women don’t want you. You are selfish, so women don’t want you. You have no confidence, so women don’t want you.
Yet you whine that you are “a nice guy” and blame THAT for being the reason you didn’t get the girl. That’s bogus and nothing but an excuse. Check out this slideshow (posted on my other website AskHeartBeat.Com) that breaks down the reasons why men are still single.
Women do want and marry nice guys every day. What they don’t want is chumps and fools with no confidence. A man can submit to his wife whenever he wants to as long as she knows he will stand up and be decisive when she needs him to. That is what women look for, not a control freak.
And those “submissive” relationships do not work. That is why so many women end up divorced that started off in that submissive mindset. They get sick of that shit and leave those men alone.
@Doogan Because it has a long history doesn’t mean it works or should continue to be maintained.
1) I agree it is an old established relationship structure. So is domestic violence, so just because it’s traditional and socially accepted doesn’t make it ok to continue.
2) Men that have issues with an equal partnership are insecure in their masculinity. So what about what other people think? Your relationship isn’t based on appealing to others and isn’t a man supposed to stand on his own and make his own way not follow others? Feminism fought mainly for women’s equality. The stuff about “a real man” is male-defined masculinity which is perpetuated and set-up by MEN not women. Those issues would be deconstructed better with men.
3) Being deeply rooted in your religious beliefs won’t insure the idea of submission to work, especially if the man sees himself as a superior to his wife and not needing to submit either. Many “christian” folk get divorces regularly so just saying they weren’t “strong enough in their faith” is a cop-out. You don’t know by their marriage falling apart how good a christian the husband or wife was, nor what other issues they had going on.
4) again complete crap. see above.
5) Nobody has to be dominat for a relationship to work. Then whose dominat in your friendships or business relationship? This world doesn’t function on a fucked up sense of Social Darwinism. Apparently you see the people in the world as either dominat or to be dominated which sounds pretty twisted. Since when did being masculine mean you must be violent?
If you see this as something negative, why make all these bogus excuses to maintain or pretty much state”well this is the way it has been so let’s not change it, it works right?” which is to me you see a problem but see no urgent need to fix or change anything.