If Your Girlfriend is Married or Has a Man, You Better Watch What You Tell Her

. 05/29/2011 . 26 Comments

Some years ago I received a letter seeking my advice on a situation involving her best friend. The writer was highly distressed because her best friend had slapped the fuck out of her husband at a party. She was angry at the friend for doing so and wanted my advice on how to handle the situation. Here is the full, unedited version of the letter:

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I married one year ago after dating my now husband for five years. We’ve been through a lot but hung in there and are very close. I consider him to be my best friend and tell him everything. The problem I am having is that my girlfriend of 15+ years was present at the wedding and seemed to be happy for me, but there have been two occasions that make me doubt this. Recently my husband and I went to a party. My girlfriend was drunk as usual, and after a conversation with my husband she decided to slap him. After many arguments between him and me about it, I finally decided to ask her why she slapped him. She blew me off which led to us not speaking to each other for the past few weeks. I want to slap her in the worse way for blowing me off and slapping my man. What should I do?

Signed,
Bit by the Love Bug

Dear Love Bug:
You took a far different approach than I would have. I would have whisked my friend away to the ladies room and asked her FIRST why she slapped him and what was said that got her so upset before I ever said a word to him. I wonder why you automatically assumed she was in the wrong and that she did something inappropriate. Women, even when tipsy, don’t go around slapping men for no reason – out of fear of getting hit back, if nothing else.

Let’s look at a possibility you seem to have ignored. What if your man said something he had no business saying to her or touched your friend inappropriately, and she tore his ass up with a good old-fashioned slap? Since you didn’t come to her to ask what happened, she was very hurt. But she loves you and would rather do ANYTHING than hurt your feelings and break your heart by telling you about your trifling man. Could that be why she didn’t tell you what he did or said, and chose to just go quietly away to leave you to your marriage?

The fact that you “tell your man everything” is a problem. I know for a fact that when women do that, they tell not only their business, but the business of their friends as well. With you having a best friend for 15+ years, it means you know a lot about her – her relationships, troubles, family, sex life, finances and everything else. Think about how much information you shared with your “man” about your best friend and how you set him up to be curious about her.

No matter what, you need to keep your hands to yourself. Your husband is a big boy and doesn’t need you to run around behind him slapping folks! Likewise, your friend of 15 years obviously has a good reason for staying away from you and that very strange husband of yours. I’d be investigating what “my man” did to run my long-time friend off, instead of being angry at her for leaving.

 

I included the letter above in this article as it provides a real life example of the phenomenon I am going to discuss in this article – women that tell other women’s business to men.  The letter above was submitted to the Ask Ms. HeartBeat advice column some years ago.  More recently, a male wanted to know if it was “sexist” for women to share more about their thoughts and feelings with other women than they do with men. Sexist? The concept that women could be “sexist” against men in any way was laughable and demonstrated that the male in question had no concept of the definition of sexism. 

I explained to him that men do not listen to women at all. Men barely even listen to each other! Every man I’ve ever met thinks his thoughts are special and unique and that he is always right. Men interrupt and talk over each other constantly, and when in a group there is little to no real communication or sharing of ideas going on.

Instead, each is asserting his opinion as proven fact, and doing all he can to show the other men flatly and completely that they are wrong and he is right.

This same attitude of domination and rightness exists when men communicate with women. Men tend to be very condemning and judgmental when it comes to what women “should” or “should not” do say wear or be. When a woman tries to explain a situation to a man, most respond with criticism pointing out what she did wrong and how he would have done it a different way and his way is the right and only way.

What woman in her right mind would seek a man’s confidence knowing these facts? Women that understand the male mind instead talk to their close female friends and leave men out of the equation until absolutely necessary.

That is how it should be.

However, no woman should ever trust another women that tells her men or children every damn thing about other people’s affairs. Especially if said woman is married or in a relationship and they are telling their man any of YOUR personal business.

Such a beyotch is real suspect, and I suggest that you immediately cut her off. You can certainly be friendly in a casual acquaintance sort of way, but any personal information about your activities, sex life or vulnerabilities should not be shared with her. No woman’s husband or boyfriend should know what you do or any of your troubles.

Next thing you know he will be trying to tip over to your house trying to help you “solve” your problems. Or he will set you up with one of his “buddies” so he can live vicariously through him and hear stories about sex with you, and how your body feels, or he will set up his broke friend to take you for your money and other assets. And it will be your friend’s fault for opening her big ass mouth when she should have kept your confidence.


But women enjoy talking, and they enjoy talking to anyone that will listen, and they most enjoy talking at their men, so they will tend to start gossiping and sharing details of the lives of their friends, family and coworkers just to have something to say to him. As my buddy Zach says “it’s easier to talk about what so and so is doing instead of face your own stuff.” Real talk right there.

Women that have friends that tell their personal business to men are in danger. You are in danger because you don’t know the character of your friend’s man, nor do you know the character of his relatives or friends. You also have no way of knowing exactly how much of your personal information he has because of the long-term relationship you’ve had with his woman.

But understand this:  once he has personal and private information about you, he has power over you.

I’ve heard horrible stories, hundreds of situations that began innocently just like this where a woman was set up and used, set up and raped, set up and robbed, set up and blackmailed. Most men cannot be trusted with information that gives him power over an attractive, single woman. He knows the last time you’ve had sex, because your friend told it. He knows that you are horny and lonely, because your friend told it. He knows that you like yellow roses, because your friend told it. He knows what your favorite restaurant is, because your friend told it. He knows that you like freaky sex acts that his own woman refuses to do, because your friend told it. He knows that you got a promotion recently and a $25,000 bonus that is sitting in the bank, because your friend told it.

Men complain that they aren’t like that and that they can be trusted… that they aren’t like “other men.” But how is a woman to know the difference between a man that can be trusted and one that cannot? Men all look the same. None wears a sign on their shirt that identifies him as non-trustworthy, nor do they have a special marking on their forehead. No, women do not have a crystal ball and cannot tell the difference between the man that can be trusted and one that cannot. Not only that, a man that can be trusted this week may not be so trustworthy next week after you two have a fight. Your man may decide that your friend is a better match for him than you are because you’ve told him all about her so off he goes to see what’s up.

Therefore it behooves every female to protect herself and her female friends by not over sharing information with men.

A site visitor submitted the following testimonial after reading this article.  I thought it important enough to share with you, to emphasize the importance of keeping silent about your female friend’s and their affairs:

A former co-worker of mine blabbed just as you described. Her hubby came by to pick her up once or twice from work and she introduced him to me in passing.  She told him about where I was from and that I went to the same university as his younger brother and grew up in the same town he did and he kinda sorta knew my family.  She told him about my interests, likes, and my painful breakup.

Eventually I left that job and worked in another location turns out right around the corner of her husband.  One day I was out grabbing lunch and talking on my cell and looked up and there he was smiling at me.  He asked me if I remembered him and I did, and he walked with me to grab a bite to eat which he paid for.

After that we started meeting for friendly lunches.  He became a really good friend and an emotional support for me as I was going through my bad breakup and eventually we became “involved”.  This dude treated me like a Queen, listening to me, reaffirming how special and beautiful I was taking me out for dinner and walks in the park, holding my hand, just being there for me.  He was great to me in every way.  I don’t know how he was to his wife, but hey I wasn’t the one married to her and we didn’t discuss his wife.  His time with me, was ‘his time’.

Eventually I relocated to another state and dude sent me a care box and a lovely card scented with his cologne for me to remember him by.  He wanted to stay in touch, but I decided not to respond  and to let things end.   So ladies be careful, when you’re telling your friend’s business you could just be facilitating something to happen with your man and friend and you don’t even know it.

 

Women need to learn how to stop telling their boyfriends and husbands and their children their girl’s business. Shut your damn mouths ladies! You are rattling off at the mouth and telling your man all about how your girl loves, how she screws, what she will and won’t do in bed, how she thinks, what money she has, how she feels about her weight, her miscarriage/abortion/birth control scares, what bills she has, what her man is doing wrong, what she likes as well as what she doesn’t like.

You are basically giving your man the inside track on how to get into your girl’s head and thus, into her panties! SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE gossipy ole heffas! Women talk too damn much period, and especially talk too much to men. And you all especially need to stop telling all your personal business and the personal business of your female family members and close friends to your men.

I don’t care how much YOU trust him. If YOU trust him so much, tell him your business… just YOURS and no one else’s.

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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