Interracial Dating: She Said “Yes” to Marriage but…
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I have been dating a 33 year old black woman for 2 years who I love very much. Both of us were previously married young, and have a total of 3 kids as a result.
About 1.5 years ago, I decided I wanted to marry her and I told her this. We have went and looked at rings and discussed it throughout this time. Because I felt this way, I have made a place in my heart for her and the girls and have made an effort to provide them with material things as well as help them be more comfortable with life by helping them with anything they need. But, whenever she wants to do her own thing she says “we are not married!”
Throughout the majority of the time we have dated, I see her as my wife while she seems to see me as her boyfriend. This is very frustrating and confusing to me/my son and it breeds problems in expectations such as communication, major purchases, priorities, schedules, etc.
About 3 months ago I asked her to marry me (quietly without a ring). She told me “yes,” but the way she behaved towards me was still independent-minded and focused primarily on her and her children’s needs.
Eventually I approached it again, while working to pay for a ring, and she said she isn’t ready for that and that I need to be patient. At this point, I don’t know whether to quit on her, because I am tired of living in doubt/having no voice about something I care so much about.
How long is long suffering? And how long can I endure uncertainty and the loneliness that comes from sleeping on the other side of town from my family (hopeful)?
Signed,
Am I Loving Too Much?
Dear Loving:
Though this is an interracial relationship, I doubt that the core issue here has to do with race but instead with her fears of dependency and her unwillingness to risk being hurt by fully trusting you. I also doubt that it really has much to do with you personally, but is instead baggage from the past.
See, she can let you in but only so much. She can depend on you, but only so much. She trust you, but only to the extent that if you back off and abandon her, she believes she can easily “get over it” and move on. She can be with you, but only to the extent that she doesn’t feel controlled. These are issues faced by many Black women that have been repeatedly disappointed, had their hearts broken by and their trust damaged by Black men.
What this situation is going to require from you is strength and the determination to get her to open up and talk to you candidly about her fears. You need to communicate clearly how her fears are making you feel, and what you need from her in a dating relationship as well as a marriage. You will do this in a very important conversation that you two are going to have soon. Really, these are issues you two should have addressed in depth prior to your marriage proposal, but better late than never.
I suggest the following strategy:
Get a sitter for the kids so you two can have alone time. The children should not be a distraction while you are having this very serious conversation. Make the environment as comfortable as possible – warm, fire in the fireplace, snacks, wine, etc.
- Ask her to help you understand what the terms “boyfriend” and “husband” mean to her and what the role is for each.
- Ask her to define the word “marriage” and explain to you what marriage means to her. Your goal here is to find out what she believes she will both give up and gain by marrying you.
- Ask her what she thinks makes a marriage work and what makes it fail.
- Tell her that you love her daughters as if they are your own children. Ask her if she really believes you would ever harm her or her daughters in any way.
- Ask her if she believes the two of you possess the qualities in your relationship and in yourselves to be successfully married.
- Ask her to be honest and tell you how many of her concerns (if any) have to do with your racial differences.
- Ask her what her biggest fears and concerns are about marriage period, and marriage to you in particular.
- Ask her how much she is willing to share her time and energy with you and your son in a family environment so that you ALL feel loved and cared for.
- Ask her to tell you how long she thinks a man should stay with a woman that he adores and treats like a wife when she treats him like a mere boyfriend.
- Ask her to give you five reasons a man should stay with and love a woman that pushes him away when all he wants to do is love and be with her?
Do not allow her to give you any half-assed, bullshit answers either!
If she tries to weasel her way out of it or be flippant, tell her that you will go on home (or take her home), and when she has the time and interest in speaking to you about this issue in depth, you will welcome her call. You must stand strong and not let her feel that you are weak for her and that she can treat you any ole kind of way and you’ll stay. She needs to have some fear that she is messing up big time and that you could be on your way out the door and out of her life.
I know she was hurt in the past, but at some point we must move past our early choices of a partner, and realize that we didn’t know crap about choosing a husband or wife! Most young people choose a mate based on superficial things like sexual attraction/lust, or because we’ve been dating so long we think that’s the next logical step. Not much time is spent focusing on the integrity or character of our potential partners, how well we communicate, how much we really have in common, and how well we negotiate conflict – which are much more important factors in the success of a marriage.
She has put herself and her heart behind protective walls after her divorce, something I completely understand. But what she and most people don’t get is that when you build big brick walls to protect yourself emotionally they certainly succeed in keeping pain out. However, walls don’t work just one way, so they also keep out love, respect, commitment and affection.
You can get what you want here, it is just going to take a different approach. You are going to have to respectfully but firmly put your foot down. Not in a demanding, obnoxious way, but in a way that demonstrates you are a man of determination, focus, a man with high self esteem, and a man who demands that his emotional investment and love be respected or he’s out.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Dating Advice
On second thought he really should’ve presented a ring when he proposed. That conveys a serious commitment and not just a question of intention. Maybe his proposal (an official one) preceded by a long open talk about everything would work.
Hmmm. I’m not totally convinced she’s in love with the guy. Could it be that she found someone nice who helps her out with her kids. This really sounds like a one-sided relationship to me. Wish him the best though, sounds like a good guy.
Excellent advice, especially considering that both of them are parents of minor children.
Sometimes people that have gone through trauma may not see that it is still negatively impacting them. When a person’s story is known a lot of people will tepee toe around them for fear of wounding them further. However I have found that the only way for people to get past things is to confront them bluntly. If they are not capable of doing so another party may have to jump in. I think it is perfect for him to boldly confront her about this. It is the only way for her to see that she is damaging her relationship with him. Again she may not see what she is doing clearly unless he does get in her face with it.