Should a Woman Ever Tell Her New Man About a Past Abortion?

| 04/14/2012 | Comments (32)

Having an interesting discussion with a gentleman at an afternoon gathering. Don’t ask me HOW we got on the subject of abortions, let’s just start from where we did.

Anyway, his stance was that when a couple gets together, the woman should tell the man all of the things she has done with her body before he came along. “If the woman has had an abortion I think she needs to disclose that. It is better to let your partner know your dirt up front than for him to find out about it later in the relationship. That is fundamental.”

I said only a stupid woman, one of those stuck on trying to ‘be honest’ would tell a man some stupid, very personal mess like that. Men do not need to know anything that happened with a woman’s crotch before he came along. Men cannot handle it. Anything you tell them, they will later use against you trust me. Men don’t really want to KNOW these things, they just want to have ammunition to use against you to judge your worth and value because they are so stuck on what has gone on between your legs.

So then he comes back and says:

“Well I will just say this: What’s done in the dark will come to light. In most women I know even if they try to keep their secrets inside they can’t. You know what I am saying is true. Women who have been sleeping around in the past before tend to have emotional issues and need to express their feelings. It’s better to express them at the beginning then later on, because it will affect the relationship more. If you feel the guy is going to judge you and look down on you, maybe you shouldn’t be with him in the first place.”

He is correct in one sense, there are many weak-minded women with the disease Diarrhea of the Mouth, or what my mother used to call Loose Lips. She’d always say “loose lips sink ships!” When I got older I totally understood what she meant as I saw woman after woman tell a man way too much information and ruin his fantasy of her being a wonderful woman. It was always about something in the past that did not reflect the woman that she is here and now – always some youthful silliness that she grew past and move on from.Yet these women would find some deep seated NEED to speak on it and destroy their relationships in 10 words or less.

Men are disgusted most of the time at the amount of things women tell. Men say to me frequently “women talk too damn much!” What women do is tell all of their personal business to their men, strangers, coworkers, family, alleged friends, and even their parents. Women really need to learn how to shut up.

There are quite a few things that a woman must never discuss with a man – her man or any other male including her own father or brothers.  The socialization of males makes them believe themselves entitled to judge and condemn women for their actions in the present as well as 50 years in the past. Why subject yourself to such scrutiny and self-esteem lowering condemnation?  Nothing is going to be changed by revealing your secret for yourself, all you are doing is giving someone else something to beat you over the head with. Why would you do that to yourself?

There are times when a woman needs to learn the art of mysteriousness and just plain shut her pie hole. I don’t care how much you love him or how many times he asks you for this information, keep your mouth closed. No woman should EVER tell a man about an abortion in her past. Trust me, there is no mark made on your body, no tag left behind, no way for him to ever know what happened unless you tell him. You should never tell a man anything like that. Nothing about an orgy you went to, the time you experimented with lesbianism, the time you had a threesome, the time you caught gonorrhea from your boyfriend, the time you had a one-night stand – NOTHING. He should never hear about those things because they weren’t his business. And he certainly doesn’t need to hear about an abortion! Wasn’t his, baby, so he doesn’t need to know.

And if he should be so bold as to ask directly, a woman should lie to his face and say ” No. Never had one. Why would you ask? Have you had one?”

What kind of insecurity is at work to make a man that concerned about what happened with the vjayjay before he came along? Leave it alone dudes. You weren’t up in it, wasn’t yo baby, has nothing to do with you and so you don’t deserve an answer to that question.

That’s my take on it. What’s yours?

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. KhalidGreens says:

    Problem with your theory is that Men often find out anyway.  I can tell you as a man this is much worse. Also, to be fair, this is a two way street.  I know men who failed to disclose they had other living children out there until after they were married.

    I asked about abortion before we were married and found out the truth afterwards form the nurse at the hospital just before an eight-month pregnancy check up.  When we got home, she told me what I believe to be the truth.  She had a later term pregnancy at 16 at her mother’s insistence.  This led to a string over other abortions that culminated to one just before we met.  I did not lead the same lifestyle as she did and I absolutely had a right to know this so that I could choose a similarly oriented spouse.  Her side of the family is predisposed to mental illness and I believe that this abortion history contributed to her increasing mental stability.  Before, we got divorced, I hung in there, I tried my best to be non-judgemental and listen.   In believe, the abortions were the seed for terminal cancer in our marriage.  We are now divorced with three kids.  

    Your advice is short sited and does not take into account the long lasting effects on the would-be-mother, potential spouses and other family members.   It does not take into consideration the lifestyle that an individual man may lead.  It just assumes that all men are jigaloes who have know right to know what a spouse did sexually before they met.

    • MsHeartBeat says:

      There are things called HIPAA laws which protect medical information. If a woman keeps her big mouth closed, the only one who would know she had a termination was her. And no US physician, medical tech or nurse would ever tell you that information without having a written release in her medical records file allowing them to do so. Otherwise, what you “heard” was gossip and rumors that you believed because you wanted to.

      Also, there are no long lasting effects on the would be mother, other family members, or potential spouses. One, they weren’t the ones gonna be stuck raising some kid. All the pregnant women ever feel is relief that the problem that was gonna wreck their lives is gone. As for the family members, who cares what they think? Again, they would not be the one stuck raising the child. Lastly, potential spouses have absolutely no stake in something that happened to one woman they didn’t even know 10-15 years ago, or even if it was a week before they met. Not his business and he has nothing to do with it. It affects him no more than it would that she got her appendix or tonsils taken out.

      So unless you are from a foreign country where no such laws exist, then you made up a bunch of bullshit to post online for the benefit of your imagination I suppose. Cause see, I know better.

  2. quetzall says:

    I was married to a woman who quickly changed her bad behaviors because she was desperate to get her hooks into me. She worked in NYC at the Playboy Club. She had prostituted herself in the past , she had abortions and many other adventures. She told me she was only involved with 3 men in her life. At this time she was 23. I married her and found out I had no idea who she was. . the fact she had abortions i found out when she was hospitalized after passing out. the doctor told me she might be pregnant and he see s she s been pregnant before. Later i found out she paid for her car by having intercourse with a Saudi customer. She brought all this baggage into the marriage along with lying and deception. I never would have married her if i had known of her past. I was miserable the entire marriage  . I  tell my sons not to marry a woman if you dont know her character and her history. I agree people change bc they realize they made mistakes and want to right the ship.  You wouldnt hire a babysitter for the night if you didnt know her history. why would you marry someone blindly. Here s my take, husbands and wives have to trust each other , they have to respect each other, in order to be emotionally intimate with your spouse you have to be able to tell them anything and know they wont run. if you cant do that you shouldnt marry.

  3. ESmooth says:

    Let me get ONE thing clear I am NOT the typical guy u guys may see. Granted I am a MAN! ANYTHING U POSSIBLY WILL THROW AT ME IVE ALREADY THOUGHT OF. My actions, my thoughts, I’m not perfect in no way SHAPE or FORM…PERIOD! But at that time of my life I wasn’t looking for a promiscuous female (as u can see I was serious about this girl to marry her)! I’m not here to get bashed on no “man” ish! I’m not for drama or the back in forth!!! I’ve cried and bled for this girl. Its hard to be 17 and have to deal with the scrutiny of being criticised and joked on shit Iccouldn’t help. She had a baby I still loved her…freak I still loved her…ANYTHING I still loved her…AND STILLDO. But how am i supposed to feel if I feel like idk her. Guess she could have been a pornstar and shouldn’t tell me too. I was HONEST and upfront all the way in in the beginning. I told u wat I want and I’m giving the same…THATS A RELATIONSHIP! she is and was a gorgeous girl/woman…I still tell her she badd and can get any man she wants WITH 2 kids and 2 “bbydaddys”!! She a wonderful person….but 7 yrs a long time to Turkey KNOW a person. Amidst of all the red flags to marry (becuz of a long tenure as is) I’m still giving it effort. We do marriage con. as well to prepare. I say that cuz even tho she did wat she did I’ve realized u are right if I didn’t know it wudnt hurt. Don’t mean it shouldn’t be disclosed. BESIDES ABORTIONS & ALIKE…if a man being honest u shud to. I had/have nothing to hide. It doesn’t seem fair…asa woman u have to admit if u find out a man is a hoe (which we already stereotypes on the subject) u would be a lil turned off. She did some things that really proved my fears…so u ask y marry her!? Not to sound to clichéish but I’m in too deep now..I love her and OUR children. DO U KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO SEE MY WIFE DOWN BECUZ SHE HAS A NO GOOD “BBYDADDY” (me n her hate that word…and step daddy). She is SOOOO closed in becuz of her past. Her family who treated her like shit she adores and is loyal! Becuz of her past she deals with so much and YES AFTER 7 YRS is STILL CLOSED IN EVEN TO ME! She KNEW/KNOW I am a good MAN! I handles MY business bby. But becuz I’m man am I not entitled to feelings, emotions, and honesty? My fiancee fucking adores me…LOVES ME AND TELLS ME EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS. we high school sweethearts and I wouldn’t change nothing for the world. BUT if she wud have told me I would not be here today….but who knows we may become an even worst statistic and get divorced. I’m miserable sometimes because of her past and it gets HARD becuz I STILL have to deal with it. She getting better is y I’m sticking it out. I have not always been level headed and mature as I am. I had to get DOWN n OUT to really get my shit together. I AM NOT PERFECT once again…I did shit to her as well I.e. cheating saga, emotional distance, vulnerability, I had issues. Nobody’s perfect but I work everyday to be a better MAN and FATHER. I have a FULL family…my fiancee only has a handful (no dad/mom n raised by sister so YES THATS A LOTfor a young girl)…my FAM love her. If I wanted to leave I could never becuz like I said IM N TOO DEEP….I’m trying get distant but she still cones around and I’m supposed to suck it up and stop crying right cuz I’m a man. Cmon let’s be real! We have a daughter and her son and I r too close for me to go anywhere. Its a lot but all I know is I’m trying…WE TRYING. I always wanted my OWN family…I feel like I have to share her with another manbecuz of her past but..I’m still trynna come to acceptance with (I’m working on it tho). But I do think two people should KNOW each others past. Ohh “its not where you been but where your going”..well “you can’t no where your going if you don’t know where you been”. NOW GO AHEAD AND LET ME HAVE IT LOL…but really I’m not bout to argue….

  4. ESmooth says:

    All men are not the same. I for one KNOW! Take me for example: I was a virgin til high school met a girl WITH a baby and fell in love! I wifed her up, and took all the insults of being a step dad from my peers. Some even said she was a wild girl! Didn’t matter I was in love…well we been on n off for 7 yrs and are getting married now. But 2 yrs ago (3 yrs after our first child together) she tells me she was indeed a freak on the block and slipped up on ONE of her many encounters and got preg. I was disgusted to my stomach because like I sated I WAS A VIRGIN YES!!! I ask her how many when we met she said 3 which was no biggie I’m not god I can’t judge but when the truth came out I was so hurt. She also told the truth about her sexuality which was a red light for me at first til she LIED to cover it up and for me not to leave her. So I believe it needs to be told in some cases becuz I wud not even b with her had she told the truth. I’m n too deep now and I’m still in love. But I just wish she would have told me…sometimes ur past can determine who u will be n the FUTURE! she a good girl but no I didn’t approve of her ways..not to judge but I KNEW I wasn’t that kind of person and wud have preferred a “cleaner” female to bond and share the same mind n a sense.

    • Deborrah says:

      @ESmooth Her mistake was telling you. What a dummy! She is supposed to leave everything from the past IN THE PAST, not tell you later. Idiot! I cannot stress enough that women need to learn how to shut the hell up and not tell men what they have done with their vaginas. It’s not the new man’s business. Period. Ever. Under any circunstances. And you are EXACTLY the same. I am astonished that you don’t see it. Your let it be known right here “because I would not even be with her had she told the truth.” In other words, what you don’t know won’t hurt you and you know it. You love her just the same, her revelation didn’t change anything. Nothing got hurt in this situation but your pride. And had she kept her past to herself, you would never know the difference and would be happy as a clam.

    • Doogan says:

      @ESmooth There are a couple of issues here.
      First is your lack of principles. Either her past matters or it doesn’t. If it does, then you should dump her and find a “cleaner” woman. But you’re still with her and plan to marry her. Clearly her past doesn’t really matter, so you shouldn’t have been concerned about it in the first place.
      What’s an even bigger concern is that she lied to you. She could have been honest, or just told you it was none of your business. Instead she lied to get what she wanted.
      So she has a problem with honesty, and you have a problem with her history. This is not a recipe for a successful marriage.

  5. Razzy says:

    @xDashx  @Razzy  @Deborrah 
    “My father for example wouldn’t even consider a woman to wife up who wasn’t a virgin “.
    Was your father a virgin when he married your mama?  
    If a woman is good enough to sleep with, then she’s good enough to marry, that’s what your pappy should have instilled in you instead of passing along that double standard religious based tripe that he did which holds women responsible and throws her under the bus, while totally giving males a pass for sewing their wild oats.
    “There are tons of forums, youtube vids, askmen articles, blog talk radio, comments that state that they wouldn’t wife up someone who had a promiscuous past, all you have to do is search’.”
    So what?  Just because tons of dumb folks are out there on a double standard sexist group mind think based on ‘male’ judgments doesn’t make it right for women to follow.  Males are always trying to tell women what they should do with their bodies. Why don’t you all worry about what you do with your dycks and worry less about what women do with their vjays.  If you were so concerned about promiscuity, then ‘wife’ up the woman you sleep with, and that would greatly reduce promiscuity on the spot. But see black men ain’t trying to hear that.  They want to screw around, then pass judgement AFTER they’ve gotten their rocks off.  I’ll bet your butt ain’t no virgin…And you wouldn’t turn down a woman offering you sex either so what does that make you?

  6. Smooth8719 says:

    Is this still going….I have a story for u all that will blow u away

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