If he doesn’t want a relationship what can I do to change his mind?
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My guy and I have known each other for years. We aren’t in a relationship but we act like a couple and have been doing that for a while. I want a relationship, but I don’t think he wants one. Will he change his mind about it or can I do something to change his mind? Should I move on>
Signed,
Feeling Powerless
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
This is a very common issue and one which many women are confused. Apparently when a woman spends time with a man, likes being around him, and has sex with him, many will begin to “catch feelings.” Once a woman has feelings of love towards a man, she wants him to love her back and for the man to commit solely to them. Though the relationship is not structured as one involving commitment and never was, many women will begin to behave as if they have some sort of claim on the guy. There are demands for time, attention, regular phone calls and words which indicate long-term focus. They get really upset too when he spends time with or dates other women, even though he is not their man and never agreed to be.
But what these women need to understand is this one very important fact: When a man doesn’t commit to you even though he partakes of all the goodies you have to offer, and he has known you for years (so he already knows all the good, bad and ugly about you), it means just one thing…
He is not into you LIKE THAT. He does not love you. He does not want you. He does not want to claim you as his woman.
What you have with this guy is called a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship. No matter what kinds of bedroom tricks you do, no matter how much you submit, no matter how much you don’t argue with him or nag him, no matter how much lingerie you buy or how many babies you have ‘for him’ he will not change his mind. Ever.
If he were interested in getting you off the market and making you his woman, it would have already happened since you’ve known each other for years… don’t you agree? I’m sure you’ve both been single and available at the same times over the years. But he never asked you out on a date or if you ever thought about you two becoming a couple… right? Any such interest and forward movement in the friendship towards a romantic relationship would have happened without any prompting from you. HE would have been in a hurry to lock you down. HE would have been expressing his adoration and desire to have you with him and come home to you every night. HE would also have been very proud to show you off and tell the world that you were his girl!
But none of that happened. None of it except sex, which he can have with anyone.
So your best bet is to stop allowing him to be in a “relationship of convenience” and get all the benefits of a committed relationship with none of the commitments. Stop spending all your free dating time with him and start dating other men immediately. It’s time for you to stop spinning your wheels in a waste of time situation, and for you to get out and find the devoted love your heart desires and that you deserve to have.
In other words, cut him off and put dude’s ass in the wind like a kite.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Dating Advice
