Why Black Women Are Their Own Worst Enemy

| 05/16/2011 | Comments (16)

Just this week, a Japanese fool (ahem scientist) penned an article which appeared briefly on the Psychology Today magazine’s website.  It was quickly removed. The article reported on the relative attractiveness of Black men and women in comparison to men and women of other races. I refuse to repeat the gory details, because the racist rantings of a short stubby little idiot are of little importance here. After all, we’ve all had our IN-box and eyeballs flooded with questionable analysis, brazen stereotypical untruths in the form of “news reporting,” and shaky “studies” about Black women over the past three years.

Instead, I need to discuss the behavior of Black women when it comes to this kind of journalism. Is it low self esteem, self-hatred or both which motivates Black women to share, post, and discuss such garbage both in cyberspace and offline in the real world?

Black woman using computer to forward upsetting post about Black womenIn order to keep one’s mind free of self-limiting, doubt-inducing, esteem shattering thoughts, we must be ever mindful of the messages we feed ourselves. Most people are highly impressionable and believe the things they see on television, or read in newspapers and magazines. In their mind if its being reported on television or written about in a name media outlet, it must be true! (For reference, these are the same people that believe they can learn about lovemaking from watching pornography, that Obama wasn’t born in the U.S., and that there was no Holocaust.)

In other words, most people are rather stupid, and wait on others to tell them what to do, be, say, wear and think. Many men and women seek validation from others… from people and institutions outside themselves that they are okay. This is a very sad statement about our society, and especially about Black women.

Despite the great strides in education and accomplishments of Black women in the United States, there is still an element of insecurity and doubt about feeling deserving of success in most of you. That lingering doubt about both yourself and other Black women is what I think motivates you to seek out and gleefully spread toxic words — things that are wholly poisonous to your spirit.

So I asked myself:  Why is it that Black women repeatedly visit websites that laud women of other races as being more beautiful or better than Black women?

These sites would lose advertising dollars and go under quickly if Black women did not visit the sites en masse to get a daily dose of mental poison. It’s almost as if Black women love to feel bad about themselves and look for ways to feel pain! Over and over these sites and media outlets print stories and broadcast shows that show Black women in a poor light. These shows garner huge ratings… the websites get huge numbers of hits and make big bucks.

Sadly, most of the viewership and click-throughs come from Black women that set themselves and other Sistahs up to be used as pawns in the mental/verbal abuse and mind games of White media.

It saddens me to see educated, polished Black women so anxious to share invalidating, denigrating commentary with other Black women. Because every time you read or hear something which negates your attractiveness, intelligence, desirability, skin color, hair texture, marriageability or morals – your self-esteem is damaged. Little by little you are allowing your sense of who you are and what you can become to be chipped away.

You are, by sharing links and text to such trash, helping to damage the hearts and minds of millions of young Black women. You are doing the work of racists FOR THEM by promoting and marketing their product of hate! You are the sole reason their messages of hate are going viral!

Posting one article of nastiness in cyberspace, or advertising one program which denigrate Black women and making sure that one Black woman knows about it guarantees that messages of hate will be on the lips and in the minds of every Black woman in the nation within 48 hours. While you all proclaim indignation and go on and on about how horrible “it” is, you are making money for people that have a vested interest in seeing you hate yourself and fail.

Stop it right now!

Stop visiting websites that don’t honor and respect Black women in all her glory. Stop clicking on links to stories with headlines that proudly announce anything negative about Black women. Stop sharing stories about “colorism”… Black women come in more than 400 different shades of brown, and we are all Black women. Stop sharing stories about fraudulent “research” by racist scientists and Group of happy young black women bonding and sharing laughsnews-media outlets.

Stop spreading the nasty comments and videos made by Black men (or men of other races) about Black women’s desirability or marriageability or independence. Stop talking about and focusing on negativity. Instead, talk and think about investing for retirement or creating mentoring programs for young people in your community.

Instead, think about teaching a low cost “great nutrition for a family on a budget” cooking class for young mothers. Think about getting friends together and starting an exercise and weight loss support group.  Write an article or start the book you’ve always wanted to write.  Think about things that will uplift yourself, each other and our daughters.  Think about world travel, education, art, dance, or other creative projects that enrich the female spirit and calm the soul of the Black woman.

Please stop focusing on what idiots think and say. No matter how many times you read it or discuss it, the fact remains that idiots will continue to say idiotic things because that is what idiots do.

Instead of helping poison the minds and break the spirits of Sisters, set an example of strength and purposeful direction for your children and those that are watching you. Do not be a “look at what they are doing to us/saying about us now!” groupie, following others down a path of emotional death and psychic destruction. We are beautiful, we are intelligent, and we can manifest anything that we envision. Don’t let anyone or anything stop you from being successful.

Dream big, then go out and make your dreams come true.

Until next time.

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

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  1. andersen says:

    So, I was searching for articles about “why are black Women poison and you answered the question perfectly! I am not surprised at the dismissive, defensive, and ignorance of which you have applied to you absurd commentary.
    “In other words most People are rather stupid”…are you kidding me? Do you know most People? I think you are confusing confidence with arrogance and vanity. And along with confusing freedom with consumerism this is the ultimate failure of black Women. Not exclusively BUT pole position of the argumentative and disagreeable outcome of self hate which unknowingly Black Women are the masters of to the point of destroying their own Men.
    In terms of advertising most consumers are effected by it and have some degree of self doubt, which i think is Human. The key is to actually learn from your mistakes vs. just dig deeper into the ignorance barrell that is assuming one wishes to continue on their journey at all.  You ma’am should seriously attempt to think about what I have just shared with an open and intelligent (not reactive-reptilian) mind.
    God Luck To Ya! Off to search for more thoughts and commentary as to why Black Women are poison. I’m speaking from actual experience which somehow i think will delight you…lol

    • Deborrah says:

      @andersen You’re right! I’ll be spinning in my chair in glee when I hear about the next dose of poison you get because you deserve it buddy.

  2. LotusBud says:

    OMG, I just finished a reply saying the same exact thing. We are wasting our precious time here on earth by losing or focus on the real work that needs to be done in our lives. By getting caught up in trivial matters of who thinks your hot or not distracts us from blossoming into the higher beings we have the ability and should be. Collectively, we need to live in a way that matters and improves this world so regardless of opinion, we can leave behind a better place due to our focus, hard work, humanity and creativity as women.

  3. taskeinc says:

    This is one of the most poignant, hard hitting articles I’ve ever read about the state of the Black Woman. What makes it such a great article is that you don’t just talk about the potential problem (which I agree 100% and I am a Black Man) but you offer solid solutions. Great job! I’ve tweeted this, and I’ve “Liked” your article from my Facebook page. I came across your blog because I was doing research on an article I wrote about Black Women .. keep up the fantastic work you are doing

  4. Marisa says:

    Every other day it sees produces latest installment of black women ain’t worth a damn piece, this coming after that black women are uglier than any other race of woman by that fraudulent Asian guy.

    Then there were the 50-11 articles, news specials, blogs that have said just in the last 6 months, that black women got nothing but a gang of baby daddies. Then it was no wait we have all the abortions.

    There has been a concentrated effort to character assassinate black women at every turn,enough already. Nothing written is actually profound, same sh*t different toilet. I worry for younger more impressionable younger Sistas,who may take this crap to heart. I don’t and know what time it is!

    • LotusBud says:

      Marisa, repeating and re-stating things like this is toxic for yourself and readers. All of us know what has been said and done to us. So we need to move on by closing it up in a box and letting it float away. Let’s move forward by only talking about how we can and should be better individuals and a better group of women than we were or have been. How are we in this generation going to add value and history to OUR brand?

  5. Raz says:

    @Lyndon and Spinster I have never been a fan of ‘Lessence’ lol and I’ve heard since they no longer have minorities running things at that magazine they are worse than they already were.

    This is a great article and quite timely. There is truly a campaign in effect to denigrate the black woman. I’ve seen it grow harsher since 2007 when Michelle Obama started drawing national attention as the wife of the future President. It seems white media was trying to circumvent this dynamic black woman who represents what all women should strive for and that is beauty, (inner and outer), smart, intelligent, successful and just all around well put together.

    Had Ms. Obama been white, the media would have lauded her as the next best thing since sliced bread and then ran to try to find examples of white women who personified ‘her elegance and grace’. But since she’s black it seems white media want to castigate educated black women who are making things happen for themselves and they take every opportunity to do so in TV,movies, print, radio, every visual format.

    We as black women must not buy into this negative thinking nor continue to spread it around to others. When we see stupid negative things said about us, DO something about it instead of spreading the poison and whining in outrage. It only takes one person to spread a virus among many, and by the same token it only takes on person to write a note to shut stupid negative mess down on site. Let’s step up sisters and not continue to believe and buy into the negativity thrown at us by media and men who look to break our spirit and tear us down. Let’s rise up above all of that.

  6. Rose Marie says:

    I am in the AMEN! corner on this one. Thanks for confirming what I was already thinking.

    I have dropped some toxic Websites, magazines, blogs, etc. from my daily reading for the very reasons you have sited. I don’t need one more article telling me that I’m not thin, pretty, exotic, docile, freaky, whatever enough because it’s bull. I don’t believe in fairy tales nor that someone else’s ice is colder.

    Trust me if black women collectively boycotted or started a letter writing campaign and refused to do business with even half of the people who denigrate us until they did better, we’d see a whole new dynamic play out in terms of our representation in the media and the world. This one goes in the SAVE file! Heck I might as well start a binder. Excellent job, Deb.

    • Lyndon says:

      Start your boycott with Essence Magazine. They are as big a culprit as any. The cover touts self-motivation then ads filled with self-hating ads. This is the first and only place Ive ever read that gives it to women straight. Sadly, most black women prefer to be lied to and pandered. Well…

  7. Ayo says:

    Hi Deb,

    I feel that this comes from black people’s religious background. In order to keep the church seats full ALWAYS, pastors must fill their hearts with fear, guilt, and shame so they can return to the pulpit for forgiveness and continue to pay their tithes to receive that forgiveness. They then receive this paid for forgiveness and go out and do what they feel will bring them back to the pulpit again. Its a vicious cycle that is deeply embedded into the psyche of the black woman. She feels she must feel bad to feel better. These media outlets are the pulpit. They preach the messages that will make black women feel bad and then the sell products or get paid to post ads that will heal the pain. Its all marketing. I’m reading this website about relationships written by a white woman and it appears all women of all races have issues with attracting men. Its not a “black woman” problem, but psychology today made it so. Also you cannot even compare us to other races. Our hair is first off so unique in its structure and texture you can’t even compare us to them. We are beauty personified.

  8. Kyra says:

    How do you suggest we fight asshats if we pretend they don’t exist? I’m not familiar with the study the blogger referenced, but I don’t think they are isolated or the views they expose. His framing is obviously poor logic and I won’t go there, but do you know how or why PT pulled the article if not in response to protest? I’m a little annoyed that they havent shamed the dude openly as well, just as a show of “good fath” toward black women, since that is the more favorable way to go these days. However, when it comes to pseudo-evolutionary psychology and bad, obviously biased logic as explanations for *social psychology* on that site, it’s par for the course. I have doubts that its not also par for the mainstreamed part of the field. If crap like this is what gets published, what makes you think ignoring it will make it go away?
    I’m curious as to your agenda and strategy. And why validation of our worst suspicions isn’t among them, considering you concede that a key strategy to making someone crazy or at least look crazy is invalidation.

    • Deborrah says:

      If you took the time to read more than that one article, my agenda and strategy would be obvious.

      The primary issue here is that each Black woman that got wind of that article soon after publication had the power in her hands to end it right there. But that is not what happened. Instead the poison was spread like wildfire through the web until millions of women were touched by it and sickened before A FEW TOOK ACTION.

      A couple of phone calls and written complaints would have sufficed and accomplished the same goal. Hundreds of thousands of Black women’s mental health could have been spared. You don’t feel crazy or invalidated unless you continually bombard yourself with nonsense and unless you believe the nonsense you see and hear.

      If you continually seek out such nonsense, you are then seeking to hurt yourself and cause yourself pain. And that is what I am talking about – the women that go through life looking for this kind of crap so they can feel bad about themselves and then spread it to other women so they can feel bad too.

      No one is saying that it should be IGNORED. What I am saying is that it should be dealt with and not spread. You got the message, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT besides pressing “FORWARD” or “SHARE” and adding a few whining ass comments. How hard is that? Black women need to get a clue and get themselves together.

      • David says:

        Look at that whole Don Imus affair. Black women in positions of influence within some of those corporations that sponsored the Imus television show voiced their displeasure and his show was canceled. Black women often underestimate their own power. I really liked what you wrote about allowing institutions and people who don’t look like us effect how black women feel. Black people seemingly are always looking for validations from white society.

        • JoeClyde says:

          I agree. Black women do vastly under estimate their power, and influence.

          This is one of the few articles I agree with on this site. 90% of these Black Women…. articles or stories have to do with money.

      • Kay says:


        I have to agree with your article wholeheartedly. What is the point of spending time commenting over and over about nonsense? Devise a productive and intelligent strategy to counter the problem and then attack it. Enough said.

        No need to write long drawn out posts all around the blogsphere and then comment for centuries about every slight against black women.

        Let’s pause briefly to deal with the problems we encounter and then swiftly shift our focus back to the messages and thought processes that should be actively in existence all along (actions and messages that help to build black women and girls up, messages that inspire, actions that help to shift our collective and personal dynamics).

        Anything outside of that is an excercise chocked full of B.S. I just do not have time to entertain this long, drawn out heming and hawing about all of our problems that black women do on different blogs, on gossip and pop sites, in the church pews, via chain emails, via phone and dinner conversations, at family reunions, and via organizations that purport to uplift black women, girls, boys, men, and/or people. Its all an utter time waster and a pile of nonsense. What good is being accomplished by all that complaining? Express disatisfaction (even vent a little if needed), devise a plan to act, act, and then move on. No need to specialize in impotence.

        Black women,

        It’s time to move beyond anything that is not a direct, aggressive, proactive (and when needed reactive) response to things that counter our best interests. That’s it. Do it and do it better than everyone else, and then… quickly end the intermission for the regularly scheduled event: the act of living well as black women in America and abroad…

        With sisterly passion,

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