He keeps hurting me by using me for sex

| 05/20/2011 | Comments (2)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My best friend and I fell in love and got together. We were so good for six months but then things changed. His temper… everything in him changed and though I was sure he loved me, he dumped me.  It’s been a year and I never moved on. He’s not letting me move on. He started dating right after we broke up and he became really tough on me. He keeps hurting me and I just hide all pain deep inside but he calls and explains how hard it is for him to live without me and I believe him then he cheats on me. This has happened four times.

I mean I thought he loved me, he’s always been my best friend! Why would he use me? I just don’t know what to do. He’s so scared of commitment and I’m sick of being hurt because we’re not together. And now he has a girlfriend and he’s acting so unlike him. I really can’t move on. I feel like I need an explanation.

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Ugh, you are SUCH a drama queen. Sitting up here wallowing in self pity and trying to play the victim role when you put yourself (and KEEP putting yourself) down on the floor to be walked on like a rug.

You don’t need an explanation, you need your ass kicked! Over and over again until you get a clue. This man does not want you! That is why HE DUMPED YOU. That is why he has a girlfriend and the girlfriend is not you!

What he knows now is that you are weak minded and desperate, so you listen to any bullshit spoken as long as the word “love” is mixed in there somewhere. Then you open those legs and expect a committed relationship out of this booty game when you get up from the mattress.  The fact that you don’t have any sort of relationship with this guy and yet you have sex when he calls every few weeks with weak game and tired explanations shows that you are being used for sex.

I don’t know how many times you have to get your head bumped before you understand that cement hurts. Getting it into your head that you are being a fool and not letting YOURSELF move on would be the next thing to do. YOU are the only person responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions… no one else. So that means you are CHOOSING to stick around and allow yourself to be used for his sexual pleasure. It is a choice you are making… no one is doing anything TO you that you don’t want them to do. Refusing to take any of his calls in the future would be a good start. As a matter of fact, change your phone numbers.

Surely you don’t think a man that knows you are stupid like this could ever respect you or want you for his woman! Men most desire women they feel respect themselves, and that believe they have value. You don’t believe that about yourself, so you allow others to treat you in negative, nasty ways. I strongly suggest that you get yourself into counseling. You need professional help understanding and eliminating self-destructive relationship patterns and in rebuilding your self-esteem.

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Dating Advice

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Comments (2)

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  1. Anonymous says:

    That STILL doesn’t make it right for a man to use her. I used to be the woman in this article and I finally got the help I needed. However, it still burns me up inside to know that men take advantage of women like this every single day, and then blame it on the woman for being so stupid and having low self-esteem. Once again, it’s all up to the WOMAN to change and the man has to do nothing but be himself. What a double standard.

  2. Red says:

    Deb, This was outstanding advice. I hope she listens and gets help. I was involved with a man for over a year because I loved him, but honestly the sex is the “ONLY” thing I miss. Yea it still hurts because I want companionship and I hate starting over and getting to know someone new. Getting familiar, used to likes and dislikes, establishing trust etc., but that’s life. I praise God I was able to say “NO MORE”!!!! I still pray when he crosses my mind but I’m glad that volatile toxic loser is out of my life for good!!!!

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