Why Don’t Women Talk to a Good Black Man Like Me?

| 08/30/2013 | Comments (8)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
Some friends and I were having a discussion about how men think when they approach a female. I said men learned that early on girls are not into accepting a genuine heart felt conversation. They only accept conversation from the wrong types of dudes. So I got a question…am I wrong to think that woman go for the wrong types cause they want the bad boy types?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all women, just the ones who want the so called thugs or bad boys and then get mad after they leave.

Then my folk said that women need security. So how you think a good dude don’t offer security? Not every thug is hard and not every good dude is a  punk. So that’s a misconception right there.

Then my folk told me that they not gonna wait for a good dude to finally gather up some courage to talk to them when the no good dudes come with confidence. Really? LOL!!! Not all good dudes scared to talk, cause if that was the case then there wouldn’t be good dudes in messed up situations with bad baby mamas and/or bad girlfriends while the no good dudes sitting at the house using they girls car and chillin’ at their house playing video games.

I think there’s misconceptions everywhere. That’s why I don’t worry about the majority. Why should I worry bout the dudes not doing their jobs when I’m trying to do mine?

Signed,
Twisted Up in the Game

Dear Twisted:
It’s not rocket science and I don’t know why guys don’t get this. There are two issues to be addressed here:

#1 Women are Turned on by Confidence. That is why the players get women and the shy guys that hang back, anticipate rejection, think the woman is too good for them, think she already has a man, thinks she is high maintenance, or think she won’t be interested are the ones that don’t get no play and no pussy. A confident man is not afraid of women. He is not afraid of rejection. He looks people in the eye. It’s in his walk, his carriage, his posture, the way he walks into a room. When a man projects confidence he has no need to be domineering, controlling, or threatening to women.  How do women define confidence? To women the definition of a confident man is one who is positive about who and what he is. A confident male believes in himself. The confident male believes he can be successful and achieve his dreams. He likes who he is and knows he can make things happen.  It’s explained in detail in this broadcast, which you can listen to below.

#2 Women Do Not Like Douches or Jerks. However, if such a guy is the one who approaches a woman, she is more likely to respond positively to him. If you approach a woman and she is not interested in talking to you, it means she is not attracted to you. Point blank, period. You don’t have to be an asshole, a jerk or a thug to get a woman. But it doesn’t matter how much of a “good guy” you perceive yourself to be, she isn’t feeling you!!!

Relationships are as much biological as they are emotional, at least at the beginning. You approached her because your dick got a tingle and you reacted biologically. She didn’t get no tingle so she rejected you. You’re not stirring her. You don’t have that masculine edge that woman is looking for.

When a man is confident he has a certain edge about him, a certain manliness, a stirring air about himself. A lot of the nice guys don’t understand what that is. All I can tell you though is whining about a woman and why doesn’t want you is a turn off. Once a woman is turned off and doesn’t feel that she would want to “mate” with you, she won’t want to be around you.

It’s as simple as that. No need to overthink it.

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MsHeartBeat

Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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Category: Dating Advice

9 comments
Doogan
Doogan

So-called "Good Black Men" have a lot of trouble internalizing the fact that men don't get to dictate what women find attractive. Odds are, the traits that you think make you a Good Black Man are not the traits that black women find attractive. Take careful note of this: "#2 Women Do Not Like Douches or Jerks. However, if such a guy is the one who approaches a woman, she is more likely to respond positively to him."


Boom. This.

A man qualifies himself by making the approach, and he will not necessarily be disqualified for being a jerk or a douche. This filters for confidence and fearlessness over all other traits. It does not filter for virtue, so your status as a Good Black Man is irrelevant. It's a test that narcissists and sociopaths pass with ease, but a Good Black Man will fail if he's at all insecure.

So don't worry about being good. Focus on being confident. That's what's most important when it comes to being attractive to women.

blackcaesar
blackcaesar

Dear Writer,

Women who want bad boys are stupid and that's the #1 reason you should not want them in the first place.  Black women for example are not disproportionately single parents because they have "good" man-picking abilities.  Now, I agree with what Deb wrote about the initial meeting of a woman being mostly biological.  I mean if a woman is not attracted to you, then she's just not attracted to you.  Maybe you should start a weight-training regimen.  But after that, some common sense should set in and critical thinking skills should be utilized to select a man.  This is where a lot of women, and in particular black women are lacking, thus they end up in a predicament where they're doing the world's hardest two-person job (being a parent) all by themselves.  A lot of high-achieving black men who are not athletes or entertainers end up marrying non-black women because black women value style over substance.  Then they wonder why so many of the "good" (being high achieving doesn't make you good in my book) marry non-black women.  I would recommend that you look outside of black women to find your mate.  Like most things (good public schools, safe neighborhoods, upscale sit-down dining) you have to go outside of the black community to find the good stuff of life.  It's not much different when it comes to women.  Besides, most black women are baby mommas by 30 y.o. and are undesirable for that reason amongst others.

Razzy
Razzy

@Doogan "Women do not like douches or jerks, however if such a guy is the one who approaches a woman, she is more likely to respond positively to him".

WRONG!  You tried to be right, but you just got it all wrong. And since you are not a woman, you don't know what women respond positively too.  While It is true women respond to confidence and like a man who is courageous enough to approach her,  that doesn't mean she is will respond positively to that man if he reveals himself to be a douchbag or a jerk at the onset.  You seem to think only douchebags or jerks have confidence to approach women, while quality men don't.  But plenty of men who aren't jerks and douchebags approach women all the time. 

What you don't realize is that the woman 'controls everything.  A man can 'approach ' a woman all he wants, but if that woman isn't receptive to his "approach", and she doesn't want to be bothered with him,  he won't get anywhere past the 'approach' stage.  She'll give him a polite smile and the brush off.  If 'she isn't interested in him.

Razzy
Razzy

@blackcaesar  

But after that, some common sense should set in and critical thinking skills should be utilized to select a man."

Why do men expect women to behave differently when picking a mate than they do?  Men pick mates based on one primal thing... Does she make your dyck hard.  Otherwise you'd be racing to the churches to pick those church going, home cooking women who may not be the 'video' type of girl the media pushes on TV, but you know (with your critical thinking skills) that she would make a good wife, and mother, and hold down the home and hearth.  But see Naw, y'all don't do all that.  Y'all want the girl that other brothers will be jealous of, she's got to have something that makes 'you look good' to your fellows.  Stop with the BS double standards.  Women, just like men' want to be with someone that turns them on in their mind, body,  hearts, emotions.  Stop expecting women to settle for what you yourself aren't willing to settle for. When you start picking women with your critical thinking skills, then you can tell women what they 'ought to be doing'. 

anth2007
anth2007

@blackcaesar It is sad when black males give up on black women like other ethnicities are better or more perfect than black women. Black women have flaws and imperfections just like black males and everyone else. I think the problem is we are setting high standards for ourselves when we know we don't measure up to them. You don't have to change to get a womens approval or to be more desirable to them, no one wants some one who changes in order to get what they want, if you want to change do it for yourself, not because you think it will attract women cause once you change and get the girl that change is in effect as long as your with her, cause once you change back who is telling they will still want you. As a black male you need to focus first on yourself and being a better you then you will attract a better someone.

Razzy
Razzy

@blackcaesar "Besides, most black women are baby mamas by 30 y.o. and are undesirable for that reason amongst others."

Obviously you don't date high achieving college educated single successful, accomplished,attractive black women who are baby free.  There is a large pool of those women out there who are looking for their black male equivalent, but in fact most black men between the ages of 18-35 are not marriage material for these successful accomplished black women. And these women do not want to 'settle' for some trifling male who has nothing to offer her and is not on her level. 

So if anything it is the black women who should broaden her dating pool and date non black men since they are in higher numbers and can offer her more  since they are more on her level. There is not a large pool of college educated, attractive confident charismatic, successful black men for all of these successful educated and financially independent black women who outnumber men 2 to 1.  Black women should definitely date out!

Razzy
Razzy

@blackcaesar

Looks like you need to watch Ms. Cooper's video Why black women put successful black men on Nignore. (Part 1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLeD64KKW7M

(Part 2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oz_qLj0VB1A 

 Please provide black women with the information on where they can find this generous pool of high achieving marriage worthy black men?  You claim that black women value style over substance, thus  high-achieving black men marry non black women. What do you mean by 'substance? 

It's black men like you making crazy comments like this that are a complete turn off for black women.  You think you are worthy because you have a degree and went to college and got some change in your wallet. So what?  Black women go to college, in higher numbers, have degrees (in higher numbers), many with graduate degrees in higher numbers and they are 'high achieving too. they have class and 'substance' so why should they settle for some trifling fool with an arrogant mentality who thinks all black women are shallow just because they don't want 'him? 

If anything its black womenwho should stop being so loyal and should date non-black men, because most single black men between the ages of 18 and 35 are either in jail, slinging drugs, baby daddies by the time they are 30 multiple times over, have no credible job, or if they do, they are menial jobs, low achieving, not home owners, only want sex no strings attached relationships...basically hey  have nothing to offer a high achieving black woman who has her shiy together except a hard dyck. And any woman can get that anywhere.

So Pluueeze, you act as though there is a large pool of qualified men for black women to choose from. There isn't. And the single black men who may have decent jobs, college educated, are either sexist, bitter, angry and have a nasty attitude towards women, and expect that their corny looking azzes should get a hot woman when they are a 3 on a scale of 10 and want a woman who is a 8, 9, or 10. They need to date in their envelope. And these dudes don't have any charisma, confidence or nothing that would attract a woman and angry because they can't attract her so they wander off to get trailor park Becky, Ming Sue, or Maria.  they are welcome to them. Since these are bottom of the barrel dudes anyway. 

The high achieving black men who have it going on, not just with their career and finances, but also with their positive attitude and confidence and their attractiveness and sex appeal towards black women are snatched up quickly by those high achieving black women.  They are not single very long and yes they DO marry black women.  

When dudes realize that it takes more to appeal to a black woman besides, your career and finances and learn how to appeal and attract her, then you might get some success.

Doogan
Doogan

@Razzy @Doogan That quote was from the article, which was written by MsHeartBeat. I'm assuming she's a woman and thus knows a thing or two about what women want. And unless your qualifications as a dating expert are superior to hers, I think I'll take her opinion over yours.

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