What’s Going on In My Relationship?
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My wife is having an affair with an ex-class mate, the type she always said she despised for being vain, superficial and more. After almost 20 faithful years together with 2 kids (one of them a teen already), she announces that still loves me but she doesn’t admire me anymore and has told this man, by phone that she loves him.
True, I am not a doctor yet as he is, but I made radical changes in my life to win her back and she responds positively. But every now and then there is a call or a text message with him that ruins everything, and she denies that her confusion is related to him.
She likes me being loving, supportive, but doesn’t believe in my changes yet, which I understand. It’s been more than 3 months that I haven’t given her a single excuse like my former mistakes (mostly about not having a drive to achieve), but she knows that man is not gonna give her a true relationship. He is a successful professional but also an alcoholic, involved with other women, hasn’t been able to have a stable relationship, nor get married, and promises my wife the world (with his money), but my wife seems unable to break the contact.
On one hand she likes my physical contact, hugging her while sleeping, a nice kiss here and there, no sex, but likes me giving her massages and rub her back while showering, and then she tells me she is confused and needs time and maybe separate awhile to clear her head.
Should I keep waiting and proving myself more before her eyes or just continue and achieve my goals alone?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
The real problem here is not that your wife is dissatisfied with you, it is that your wife is dissatisfied with HERSELF! You are striving to be a doctor and have made changes in your life to better yourself, but what has HER ASS done? Has she gone back to school? Adopted a profitable new hobby? Launched a rewarding new career? Written a book? What does she bring to the table other than 20 years together and some booty – booty that you aren’t even getting anyway?
She is one of those women that seeks to define herself by the man she is with. She feels that having a doctor (a man with social status and money), even though he may be a drunk fool, is going to somehow give her the self-esteem and social recognition she desires. All this is with no effort on her part other than opening her legs.
What you need to do is start making some demands on HER and stop being so giving. You are allowing your fear of losing your wife and family to overrule your need to stand up and take charge and be the man. I am not by any means attempting to discount or invalidate your concerns because they are valid. However, your wife sees you as weak in this situation and thus has lost respect for you. Read my article about Nice Guys for a more detailed explanation.
What you need to do is not wait for her to leave, but kick her out. You can bet if she is not having sex with you, she is having it with someone! So you need to stop begging for her love and tell her that she is not acting like a wife and partner, and that you are tired of her shit! Put all her things in boxes and suitcases, and sit it and her on the other side of the door.
Be sure to get the keys to the house and car from her first though. You keep the kids and kick her out on her ass. Let her go live with the alcoholic guy, with her parents, or in the park – make sure you communicate that you don’t care where she goes as long as she gets the hell out! Once she is free and available, she will see that he doesn’t really want her and she’ll have a much needed reality check.
She’ll come running back with a new attitude. But before you take her back you make her do some things. Get a job, or get a better paying job, get a college degree, etc. Make her have some standards of performance and not think she is just going to skate through life riding on either your coat tails or the coat tails of some other guy.
MsHeartBeat
Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."
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Category: Dating Advice
