If at First You Don’t Succeed, Destroy All Evidence You Tried

| 10/14/2011 | Comments (0)

In other words, lie.

Lots of people do it. Not saying it’s RIGHT, but it sure is common!

Somehow its very difficult for many singles to admit that they made poor choices, got themselves into some really sticky situations with an idiot, and are suffering the butt kicking consequences. Most lies aren’t necessarily the bold faced, outright fabrication type of lies… they are instead lies of OMISSION. Can you really blame someone for not wanting to volunteer their dirty secrets? Can you truly expect someone to pull their skeleton bones out of the closet for you to microexamine and judge when they don’t really know or trust you yet?

I understand and actually somewhat agree with that self-protective behavior. Some people love to get dirt on others and gossip your business all over the place, or throw hurtful information about your vulnerabilities in your face when it helps them win an argument. So, most of us go on dates putting our best face forward and acting under the “if they don’t ask, I ain’t gonna tell!” policy.

I have a very nosy friend. She asks questions about EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY, things that don’t involve her at all. Drives me nuts. I find myself shutting down and avoiding her rather than answering her zillion and one nosy questions.

The funny thing though is that she will ask ME lots of questions, but won’t ask her boyfriend even the most simple things. Instead she jumps to conclusions, makes assumptions, and then acts on those assumptions and conclusions as if they were facts.  Instead of doing that about your dates, why not just ask what you need to know?

To get past the wall of silence (or resistance) you may encounter, it becomes important in dating to learn the right questions to ask, and then to have the courage to ask them. Though I am very good at this, and use humor to get the answers I am looking for, for some reason this is very hard for single women.

I suppose this reluctance to ask direct questions is the reason so many women get themselves involved with men that they “didn’t know” were married or living with someone. Asking questions should be peppered through a relaxed conversation though, not delivered at machine gun speed and intensity.  I still cringe at the memory of a date that fired questions at me so fast and so furiously that I wondered if I should start rattling off  my name, rank and serial number!  Yup, I felt interrogated and it was a major turnoff.

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried!”
Why would someone want to appear to be something they are not?  I believe everyone wants to appear to have their life together, to make smart choices, to be a success and a winner!  Who wants to admit they made silly mistakes or gambled and lost – over and over again?  Losers, that’s who!
So most people leave out the less than favorable facts about their dating and relationship history, and wait for a relationship to develop to the point that you feel comfortable asking them direct questions, and they trust you enough to answer them.  First dates don’t remotely qualify.
I created a short list of the areas in which singles typically “destroy evidence” :
  • Number of times married
  • Number of times moved in and lived with someone
  • Current marital status
  • Sexual history
  • Formal education
  • Employment history
  • Relationship with exes
  • Past or present alcohol use (casual drinker or alcoholic)
  • Past or present drug dependencies
  • Number of arrests and criminal history

This is just a short list – I’m sure readers can think of many more.  But I’m tired of typing so I’m going to end this post and leave you with a few suggestions. Don’t get too upset if you find out that your date did a bit of evidence destroying.  After all, it is very scary to show your soft underbelly to a relative stranger, exposing your weaknesses, failures, and disappointments.

And since most people aren’t very accepting of their own weaknesses and faults, it would be an intelligent assumption to think they wouldn’t be very accepting of yours either! Get out and date with an open mind. Try to become more tolerant and accepting of others.  I’m not perfect, neither are you.  And neither are your dates.

However, we’re all on the path of life, traveling on foot, sometimes stumbling over the holes, sometimes smashing our faces in the dirt. When you think of it that way, a little evidence tampering just might be justified.

 

 

*originally posted 5.14.2009

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

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