I Abused My Wife and Now She Wants a Divorce
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now. I was not a picture perfect husband. I was abusive on all levels, except physical. I recently realized that I am an alcoholic and I have been sober for 70 days now.
My wife is pregnant with a little girl. We also have a 3-year-old daughter. She said that she would go to counseling with me to work on us, just not now…maybe in a few years she said. 
She said that she wants a divorce so she can work on her own problems. She has also told me she is confused and feels no emotion at all right now. I feel that we could both work on our own problems and still work on our marriage. I told her that I agree with the separation for right now, just not the divorce.
I love her with all my heart, and it is really hard for me to understand this situation. I think that we can work, and I just wondered am I crazy for feeling this way? Is there any hope for us?
Any advice you can give me would greatly be appreciated.
Signed,
Regretful Husband
Dear Regretful:
What men don’t understand is that before a woman makes the decision to leave a man she loves, she will try and try and give and give – sometimes for years.
But men don’t pay attention. Men do their own thing. Men do what they want. Men treat their woman any ole kinda way and expect her to still be there. Men do what pleases THEM with no concern for their woman’s feelings about it. Men show their women no respect, no adoration, no consideration, no tenderness and are shocked when she says “I’ve had enough of this shit, I’m out!”
What men typically refuse to see is that little by little, their woman is falling out of love. Each slight, each cruel word, each broken promise, each put down, each act of abandonment serves to push her further and further away emotionally. She keeps hope alive though, wishing that her man would stop treating her badly and DO SOMETHING to save the relationship. She prays that her man will stop abusing her. She thinks that if she just tries a little harder, the love of her life will wake up and start showing her that he loves and cherishes her in return, and that his woman and his family are #1 in his life.
But most men in these situations are in their own world, concerned only about getting HIS OWN needs met. Most men in this situation pay little to no attention to what is going on with their woman mentally and emotionally.
That is, until the day comes when she has given all she has to give and her light and love for him is suffocated, like an extinguished candle. When that happens she has no more to give and the relationship is dead, never to be revived.
Knowing how women work through problems and women’s hearts and how women love, I would say with confidence that there is little to no hope for your marriage. When loves turn to complete apathy, there is nothing there to save. Your wife gave and gave and loved and loved in a void, and you were doing your own thing, abusing her heart and mind. She has no more energy to work on the marriage – that’s what she’s been doing, all by herself, for years. She’s worn out.
In order to save herself and be there for her child and the unborn child she has been FORCED to separate from you!
Do not be grudgeful or angry. This is an important life lesson for you sir and can help you to finally grow up and take responsibility for your behavior.
You can still have a great relationship with your daught
er and with the unborn child. You can be the father for them that you never had. You can model for them a man that shows love, respect, kindness, consideration and is there 150% for the women he loves.
You can create an environment for your children that will elevate their self-esteem and make them strong, healthy young women that seek out relationships with other strong healthy people.
You can treat their mother with respect and kindness you neglected to show her in the past, even though you are no longer romantically involved. You can turn this into a life-changing experience that benefits all of you!
But you first have to accept that the end of the past marks the beginning of the future. Learn how to let go and embrace the change you are facing. Take that next step and learn from the lessons life has shown you. Then vow to never, ever repeat these mistakes again.
MsHeartBeat
Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."
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Category: Dating Advice
This sounds like my husband. A pathhological liar cheat and emotional abuser but doesn’t want a divorce. Also, he says I wasn’t that bad. See they are in denial and in their own world. They think what they do doesn’t affect or hurt anyone. Never going to acknowledge how bad they have been. It took me 23 year to wake up and stop hoping he would ever treat me right.(that says a lot about me to stay so long). I love your response MsHeartbeat because you described exactly how I feel.
Husband:” I was not a picture perfect husband, I was abusive on all levels except physical… I love her with all my heart and it’s really hard for me to understand this situation”
You say you love your wife with all of your heart, but for years your actions did everything but show her that you loved her, and now that the long suffering wife has finally decided she has had enough of your abuse and alcoholism and being treated like shit, you just realize that you love her? Even though you’ve not done anything to ‘show her that you did?
Typical selfish male fool, that only opens his eyes and reacts once something directly affects him. Your wife leaving you gave you a jolt. As long as she was there putting up with your shyt, you kept on doing it because there were no consequences for your actions. Now she’s leaving and you decide you love her. Pluueeze. The only person you’ve loved has been yourself, not your wife. Otherwise your actions would have reflected it. And this letter is nothing but a spoiled little boy crying out for sympathy because his favorite ‘toy’ has been taken away from them. Good for her, I’m glad she’s leaving and I hope she finds the happiness in her life that you never showed her. All you can do now is pay child support, be a supportive loving father to those girls. Stop sulking and acting like a belligerent little child. You do indeed understand this situation, you just don’t want to accept the fact that your marriage is over because you destroyed it with your trifling selfish behavior.
Well said Ms. Deborrah, I couldn’t agree more!