My Son’s Father is in Prison, But I Still Want Our Relationship To Work!
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a22 year old black female with a three year old son. The father of my son is in prison and he has been for the past four years. He was not present for the birth of our son due to his incarceration.
We continued to date for 15 months before I finally decided to call it quits on him for good while he is locked up. He has 17 years left. My family says that I just need to leave him alone and move with my life which I am doing but we still keep in contact with each other through letters. He used to call me a lot but he stopped doing that a couple of months ago.
Me and his family we do not get along due to the fact that his mother does not like me and she has on several occasions tried to get him involved with other girls. The most recent one of those incidences is a trashy white girl who constantly hangs around his family. When I go to his mother’s house to get my son I do not be expecting to see her there sitting on the couch.
Since the father of my son has been gone I have been in other relationships. I had another son whom I gave up for adoption in 2004. I’m pregnant again but he doesn’t know. He still loves me and claims to love me and he wants us to still be together even after all the heartache and pain that we both has caused on each other he still wants us to be together. I love him but we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things and he has other women writing to him.
Right now I am in the process of going into the Navy and I really want our relationship to work out despite everything that he has done to hurt me and what I have done to hurt him. But how do I move on with him without bringing up old hurts and the past and reopening up old wounds?
Signed,
Am I Wasting My Time?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Where is your brain? All I see here is a female that is making one bad choice after another, one stupid decision after another, and acting like an out of control child.
Having one baby out of wedlock is a mistake that lots of young Black girls make these days. But a sign of intelligence is not making the same mistake twice. Getting pregnant a second and third time by any men you are not married to means you are just acting dumb. You need to put your ass on birth control and NEVER MISS A PILL. Having miscellaneous stray kids by every idiot you lay up with makes absolutely no sense.
Secondly, dude is in prison for almost two more decades. Your son will be a grown man when his father gets out. You said you are moving on from that loser. Then why are you worried about who writes him, who he writes to, what some trailer trash is doing hanging around his trifling family, etc. Who cares? HE IS A LOSER!!!!!!!! And you can bet he is sexing other men while he is in prison and having a good time doing it. Since condoms are not issued to convicts, why would you want to subject yourself to the disease factor of HIV/AIDS when he is released and tries to go back to sexing women? He is in prison for 25 years, and as far as I am concerned, he is dead and nothing to think about.
If his parents don’t like you, why is your child over there? Why would you put a child in an environment with people that cannot stand his mother and talk badly about her where he can hear it? What sense does THAT make? Get a babysitter if you need help with someone watching him.
Moving on is very simple. Once you make up your mind to do it, you close the door to the past and move on placing one foot in front of the other. Day by day you leave him and everything associated with him behind you. Start by instituting a NO CONTACT rule. Don’t write or call him anymore, and send any letters he writes you back unopened. He will get the hint. Do not accept any of those expensive ass collect prison phone calls either. He is not contributing to the care and support of his son and he has no money to help pay the phone bill he runs up, so there is no need for him to be talking to you at all.
The Armed Forces is an excellent idea for you. Becoming involved with the Navy will provide you with discipline, and teach you responsibility and a job skill. You will become a wiser woman and hopefully, a better parent. Perhaps you will even gain some pride in yourself and find a positive direction for your life that you obviously don’t have right now.
MsHeartBeat
Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."
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Category: Dating Advice
I’m sadden by this young woman’s situation, but there are many young black women are in the same boat. I don’t know why they continue to make destructive choices. Yes they are foolish choices, but IMHO I think there are some deep psychological issues going on here.
To everyone else, this is a REAL person here. A real woman who really is lost and clearly doesn’t have anyone to guide her or offer her much needed life lessons and direction. Deb kicked ASS and she needed to and the way she did it was perfect. Can the rest of us just remember this is a real person, who is really reading. A real woman, a sister. Tear the men up one side and down the other they need it, but our sisters, tough love yes, but remember this is a person, a woman.
Tough love is EXACTLY what us young black women need from you mamas! Clearly too many of OUR OWN mamas didn’t put they foot in our asses and their pearls in our hands, someone has to do it damn it!
I hope “Am I wasting my time?” can know that this is TOUGH LOVE not hateration. This is TOUGH smack you hysterical self doubting ass back to reality style love. <3
Baby you are young, if you have this baby put it up for adoption too, if its not too late GET AN ABORTION ASAP. Fuck all that noise about life and shit WHAT KINDA LIFE CAN THAT CHILD AND YOU AND YOUR OTHER CHILD HAVE with another lil one and NO support or help? My heart aches for you, and that swift kick in the ass is necessary.
These are the kinds of things women say when the give a damn about women! This IS love!
Some of our young and older sisters do know their own self-worth and running around looking for love in all the fucked up places. They do not understand that in order to be strong, a woman needs to stand alone sometimes.
*dead* at running around having “stray kids.” You hit the nail on the head, Deborrah. No Wedding, No Womb!
bravo!!!!! wow, i really can’t wrap my mind around the idiocy of the choices she is making. is this real life?? I just can’t
wow, I’m amazed with the ease she write this letter to you as if thou the mess she makes out her life on a consistent basis is normal. God help us if these are the norm for many young black women, how tragic.