Pro-Life, Pro-Choice or Pro-Abortion?

| 06/23/2011 | Comments (19)

No matter how careful we are, the possibility always exists that an accidental pregnancy will occur at some point in a woman’s reproductive lifetime.  Even doctors admit that no artificial birth control method is 100% effective 100% of the time!  And when it comes to horny humans and sexual urges, it’s a crap shoot. Therefore, what one will do if an accidental pregnancy occurs should be carefully considered and planned for… far in advance of the possible incident.

Should an accidental pregnancy occur, and you do not discover it until too late to do the Plan B thing, a single woman is faced with just two options:

  1. Have a baby and become a “baby momma”
  2. Have an abortion

I am of the mind that unmarried women involved in uncommitted sexual relationships with boyfriends, booty calls, FWBs (friends with benefits), or one-night stands should always choose option #2 and have an abortion. Why do I feel that way?  Let me share my top five reasons:

  1. What sense does it make to be tied by a child to a man you barely know for the rest of your life?
  2. Why would you voluntarily change your life and burden yourself with a child that neither of you really wanted or planned for?
  3. Why suffer the emotional, psychological and financial repercussions of raising a child alone that you didn’t want in the first place?
  4. Men frown upon women that have children by men they are not married to, especially if the woman has two or more children by two or more different guys.  Men that don’t date women with children will summarily eliminate a woman with a child acquired during a casual sexual encounter from their list of eligible possibilities.
  5. Children are a lot of work even when they are healthy and normal; there is no guarantee that the child you got pregnant with by a man whose habits and family health history you know nothing about will be normal or healthy. (Read my article entitled “The Stupid Muthafucka Gene” for more information on gene pools and mate selection.)

I think young women are too quick to get caught up in the romantic associations of pregnancy.  Instead of being realistic about what is about to hit her, she instead sits around dreaming of soothing a small infant to sleep, nursing it, buying cute little outfits, blah blah blah.

Right.

Raising a child with a man committed to you and the family such as a husband, someone there every day to lend a hand, is bad enough! (Though married, most wives still do the majority of the child caretaking, chauffeuring around, social coordination, school functions, etc.)

But I think single women just don’t understand the hard core reality of what it means to be a single mother until it’s too late. They don’t realize that signing up to raise a child alone means you’ve also signed on for a lot of worry, no sleep, no money, no time for yourself, dying to make it to day care by 6:00 pm in commute traffic, changes to your body that only surgery can repair, physical and psychological exhaustion, and daily stress.

And look at things from the guy’s point of view. He signed on for hot sex on a platter, which is what you were offering.  He did not sign on for a lifetime of financial or emotional obligation to you or this accidental kid.  He isn’t ready to be a father and makes that VERY clear.  Anyway, you said you were using birth control!  You told him that you didn’t think you could get pregnant! Some of you even allow these men you barely know to bareback, since you “love” him and all. Surely you aren’t surprised when you turn up pregnant?

Is it any wonder that in such circumstances men are resentful, angry, and feel trapped and manipulated?  Is it really such a shock to you to hear that he doesn’t want anything to do with you OR the child?  Why be surprised when he bolts out the door and you are left hanging to figure things out on your own?

Sure, abortion, just like having children, is a personal choice.  After all, no one will be suffering the consequences of a decision you make in this regard BUT YOU.  I just want women to be more realistic about this “having a baby” thing and to take those stars out of their eyes.

Motherhood is more than a notion.

If you are a successful business person, or some executive level personage making $150,000+ a year that can afford private schools and nannies, you can probably make a go of the single Mom thing without much impact on your life.

When your biological clock is ticking, you can easily respond to it without much concern.  The child you have will be well cared for, have health care, have wonderful opportunities in life such as trips to Europe, music lessons, and tutors. Your child will also be provided a fantastic education to prepare him or her for a rosy, successful future. You are so set that child support from the absentee father isn’t something you need.

But that isn’t most women.

For those women struggling to make ends meet every month, budgeting to save money for a new mattress, loving caller ID since it helps them to avoid bill collectors – the impact of a child would be tremendous and a true burden.

There is another lurking danger as well, that of being deemed an “unfit” mother and having your child taken away by Child Protective Services. Always remember that the foster care system is a multi-billion dollar money making machine… a business.

Judges, attorneys, advocates, psychologists, social workers, group home owners and foster parents all need a steady supply of children in the system to keep their paychecks rolling in.  The children of single mothers statistically represent the highest percentage of children in the U.S. foster care system. National statistics report that two-thirds of the children in foster care are African American, and Blacks are placed in foster care at a younger age and stay in foster care longer than children of other races as well.

Carefully consider all options and repercussions before you write a check your ass can’t cash.  Because once you have that child, you can’t take it back to the store and return it like a pair of shoes.  It’s not right to pawn the child off on your mother, your aunt or your Grandmother while you run the streets or bed hop with a potential new baby daddy.  It’s not right to be angry at the child, ignore him or her, or make the child suffer in any way because you can’t handle the strain or responsibility of parenting alone. This kid is your child. Just yours. Forever.

Something to think about, isn’t it?

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Comments (19)

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  1. Deborrah says:

    KristineKruszelnicki The primary audience of this website is African American. So 90% of the time when I am referencing children, I’m talking about black ones. Black children are not adopted at the rates white babies are, and most end up in foster care being shifted around from house to house, then turned out to be on their own at 18. I remember the New York Times doing a big story on the issue a few years back that you should read before you get on that high horse about adoption. http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/25/black-babies-boys-less-likely-to-be-adopted/?_r=0
    Secondly, that still requires that a woman go through pregnancy. If she doesn’t want to be pregnant, she should get an abortion. If she doesn’t want to deal with the trauma of giving away a child after birthing it, she should get an abortion.  If she doesn’t want to deal with the drama of her family and his family and perhaps even the father refusing to sign the paperwork to try to MAKE her keep the baby, or trying to talk her out of it, then she should get an abortion. 
    To me especially for a young girl, abortion is the answer. She doesn’t need to have 9 months of her life taken away to breed a baby she isn’t capable of mentally or emotionally handling.

  2. KristineKruszelnicki says:

    You say she has only two choices: raise a child she can’t afford alone or have an abortion.  TWO choices? Whatever happened to adoption? 
    Are you not aware that there are 36 couples approved and waiting for every one child available for adoption? http://www.lifenews.com/2012/07/09/thirty-six-couples-wait-for-every-one-baby-who-is-adopted/  With modern adoption options like open adoption she can be involved in choosing the best family from among all those possible families, she can be involved in her child’s life as he/she grows up, get regular photos and updates, and still live her life as child-free as she pleases. 
    Abortion and adoption deliver largely the same advantages to a woman (not being tied down to a man she barely knows, the freedom to continue her education, travel, date, and advance her career without being strapped down to a child she can’t afford), but adoption has the added bonus of giving her child a chance at life and all its rich experiences, as well as the gift of parenthood to a couple waiting years for a baby.  Please don’t forget about adoption.

  3. AbortionDebate says:

    This is moronic. We’ve got people fighting for the right to choose, and this author comes along telling people to abort if the child is being born to a single mother.
    There are many kids born into circumstances that aren’t ideal, many of whom grow up to have productive lives. How should they feel when someone like this author says their mothers should’ve aborted them?
    This is one bad thing about the Internet – it gives a voice to the most ignorant people out there.

    • Deborrah says:

      @AbortionDebate Well I say this – since you won’t be around with your checkbook to help pay for the needs of these children I say if their parents deem themselves inappropriate for the responsibility of parenting FOR ANY REASON they should immediately get an abortion. No discussion, no waiting around to see what the daddy MIGHT do. None of that. This is strictly the mother’s decision, not yours or mine. I merely want women to be realistic about the cost and expense in both money and life energy of raising a child alone. It’s no joke.

  4. Candy says:

    I’m disagreeing with just about all of this. Sure, every woman definitely has the right to do whatever she pleases with her own body, but that baby is NOT her body, though s/he lives within it for 9 months. The DNA is not hers, ergo, the child is not part of her body. I’m not debating the ethics or stage of life issues, but I don’t see any reason why the kid should be killed because people don’t want to be parents or give the baby up. Sorry, but that’s twisted logic to me. Somehow, it seems that the child would prefer life as a foster child or adopted child than no life at all. I would prefer that anyhow, and I’m sure that my own child would too – the one I had as an unwed, broke teen. Never had a problem dating though, and never got pregnant again because I was too smart to lie down unprotected again until I was ready. If you can’t handle having a kid, don’t do the deed that creates them – that goes for women and men alike. Grow up and deal with the situations you create.

    • Razzy says:

      Candy: “Somehow it seems that the child would prefer life as a foster child or adopted child than no life at all. 
      Candy how can an ‘unborn fetus’ prefer anything?  You’re just trying to make yourself feel better for bringing a child into this world that you were not prepared to parent properly.  A woman doesn’t have to have a baby just because she got pregnant if she doesn’t want to. 

  5. Tiffany says:

    Women who are sexually active should get tested at least yearly or when they have a new sex partner.

  6. Sunny says:

    I just scanned through this post. I personally feel that people should be less promiscuous in general. Women DO NOT benefit from sleeping around. STDs take longer to detect in women and when they are detected they are usually at a more serious stage than when they are detected in men. Patriarchy does…well I’ll leave that for another time.

    It is unusual but not impossible in this day and age to just keep it in your pants. Respect yourself and think of the possible consequences before getting in the bedroom. I’m not sleeping with anyone until after a long term committed relationship and a signed marriage license. Even then things could go wrong.

    I also feel like abortion is a band-aid solution to the deeper issues of patriarchy.

    I’ll definitely be reading more posts. Great blog!

    • Raz says:

      Sunny:

      Women DO NOT benefit from sleeping around. STDs take longer to detect in women and when they are detected they are usually at a more serious stage than when they are detected in men.

      Your response is a prime example of patriarchy, you men just can’t seem to escape it. Y’all always trying to control and dictate a woman’s vagina and tell her what she can and can’t do with it. Meanwhile you have no words for men’s penises. If a woman wants to have sex, that’s her right. There is a such thing as responsible sex. You act as though married women can’t get STD’s from their trifling husbands who have been creeping out on them. And what about the downlow men leading double lives bringing STD’s home to their wives and committed partners. See how dumb your logic is? STD isn’t limited to women who as you say ‘sleep around’. It is caused by people not having responsible sex, men wrapping up their dicks.

      Abortion is a woman’s right to prevent miscellaneous stray children being born into the world where they have no real future. You see it everyday. Your fear mongering tactics of STD’s having a more detrimental effect on women, therefore ‘they’ should not sleep around whereas men, can detect STD earlier so it’s less of a risk for them is patriarchy at it’s finest.

  7. Patricia says:

    I think the problem is two fold women and black women in particular are not enforcing the “wear a condom” with these black guys. They are letting the men set the tone for the relationship (be it FWB, uncommitted boyfriends, one night stands, and booty calls) all of these things should be thrown out of the equation for women. From the get go women need to tell men this type of hook up is not acceptable to them. I’m not going for the FWB allthat means is that the man wants to have sex with you without taking any responsibility in other words he wants sex for free.

    No woman should be going for that kind of thing do not under any circumstances enter into this type of degrading of women. Sex is for adults and that means people who understand that sex is a responsibility. That’s why children young girls 14-19 years old don’t need to be having sex let alone dating. That’s just my [ersonall viewpoint. Black women need to know that they have the right to set standards and don’t just have to go along with the whims of some guy out there just because they are lonely. The impact on our community is too great 75% of black children are being rasied in homes without a father in them. I happen to be a single mother of 3 children one is disabled. But I didn’t just go get pregnant I had a husband and all of my children were born of the marriage. But my husband got addicted to drugs and abandoned his family so as a result I am stuck in the same boat as all the other single mothers out there. STRUGGLING!! Marriage is no guarantee of anything be very heistant to have more than one child even if you are married. If at anytime that husband of yours decides to leave where does that leave you and your children? Black women need to stop falling for this fantasy. Stop letting balck men sell you a dream. Be responsible get the birth control implant — my tubes are tied and at this point I am celibate. I’m not advocating celibacy to women but I am advocating being in control of your body and what happens to it. because in the end it’s us women that are stuck with all the burden and responsibility. Remember when Why Did I Get Married? and the husband was trying to convince the wife to have another baby? That’s what I mean women should say no to that. Then when you have the stretch marks from the pregnancy the husband is off cheating with someone else.

  8. ebony says:

    Men flat out DO NOT HAVE A SAY on what women do with the products of OUR bodies. Men’s bodies produce shit, piss and semen. They can govern what happens with those items where they deposit them, how they conduct themselves and what are their best choices in that regard.

    Until men can be pregnant, much less have their entire life destroyed because of motherhood, then they can have a say about what women should do. Until then men need to shut the fuck up already.

    Women have every goddamn RIGHT to have an abortion, and to have as many as she needs. If her birth control option fails and she ends up pregnant, abort if you want to. If the condom breaks, abort if you want to. If you get trapped with a rapists baby, abort if you want to. If you did all the right things and still got pregnant ABORT IF YOU WANT TO. It is definitely a form of birth control, key word being CONTROL here!, and reproduction and is just as safe, and RIGHT as any other form of BC out there.

    And anyone who DOESN’T LIKE ABORTION, can simply NOT have one. And if you are a man, till you can push babies out of your dicks you flat out do not have a say.

  9. Bruce Sistrunk says:

    There are no easy answers to such a complicated issue. But abortion should be considered as the last option and is not a remedy if birth control fails. Yes, you can concieve a child as a result of having sex. Consider the risks and possibilites before satisfying your gratification. Cheating the unborn because of irresponsibility is not an answer.

    • Raz says:

      Men love to try to guilt trip women on what they should and should not do with ‘their bodies’ based on ‘their’ judgments. Until men can actually walk in the shoes of a woman, get pregnant, deal with all the ramifications of an unwanted pregnancy, all the emotional/mental/financial turmoil that a woman deals with, even if it was a ‘slip up oops’ mistake, men really have no grounds to have an opinion on any decision a woman makes about what goes on in ‘her body’.

    • Deborrah says:

      No, abortion should be considered the FIRST option and in most instances, the ONLY option. A woman can conceive a child and a man makes a 50% contribution to that pregnancy. Therefore, men must consider the risks and possibilities before satisfying their gratification. A male that lays up with a woman that he has no intention of marrying if she gets pregnant with HIS CHILD is trifling and sorry. Therefore, a woman getting rid of an unwanted, unborn child spawned by such a male is definitely the answer in such a situation.

    • eLLe85 says:

      WRONG> Correction to your last sentence. Cheating the BORN because of irresponsibility is not an answer– and in fact is an even bigger detriment to that proposed child. The unborn has the chance to enter life at another and better opportune time. Let your so called religiosity/spirituality chew on that for a minute.

      A child who is born, who is actually a person who can breathe on its own, is cheated and burdened with an unfair disadvantage to be brought into a world by parents who did not love, prepare, nurture or support it. Not to mention, society suffers every time an unwanted child is “raised up” in this circumstance as well.

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