Single Woman Angry Married Man Sees Her Only When Convenient
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a single woman and have been involved on and off for a year with this guy who when I first met him was living with someone. I saw him when I could, but after 4 or 5 months I got tired of it and asked for more time. I would see him during the week before work and after. When it came to weekends I never saw him.
Then one day he tells me that his wife found out about us and threw him out. A month or so later I get a phone call from her and things have been in the air ever since.
Now supposedly, they officially broke up, but thanks to everyone around us, I just got fed up and left him. I feel that he used me and I can’t trust him.
My problem is, I have feelings for this man and I can’t stop thinking about him. Things are still the same. He calls me when its convenient for him (when he feels like he wants to spend time with me), and I can’t continue like this. I don’t know what to do any more. Should just ignore him like everyone says or give it another chance?
Signed,
Lost in Chicago
Dear Lost in Chicago:
Do you know how stupid this sounds? You are trying to portray yourself as the injured and abused victim here when in reality you knew you were:
(1) messing around with a guy that lived with someone when you first met him; and
(2) that he was a married man.
In essence, you chose to do something you knew was stupid, and now you want to bitch and moan to me about it?
This “wanting more time” stuff is really whack when involved in a situation such as yours. How could a woman even fix her lips to ask for more from a man who is not single, and definitely not available to give you more? The minute you discovered that he had commitments elsewhere, you knew whatever he had with you (no matter how many promises he made of a future or how many words of love he spoke), was nothing but a booty call from the jump.
I do not believe that a woman can “take” a man from someone else, so the wife was totally out of pocket to call you and whine to you about what her trifling husband did. To me such a phone call is demeaning and silly. After all HE was the one that owed her fidelity, commitment, exclusivity which is a vow he chose to break. I seriously doubt if you were the first one he cheated with, which is why they didn’t have marital counseling or try to fix things. I believe he’s done it so many times before, she forgave him and tried to save the marriage, and finally got fed up and tossed him out on his ass.
You played yourself and now you want to be treated like someone special and important. He never used you. And since he didn’t lie about his situation, there is no reason for you not to trust him. He told the truth – YOU are the one that tried to change the game plan lady, and are the person whom should not be trusted!
If you really want a serious commitment with a man that will honor and respect you, there must be boundaries that are not crossed. You should never involve yourself with a married man, a man that lives with someone else, a man that has another woman pregnant and is trying to get at you, a separated but not divorced man, or a man that is engaged to be married. All of those guys are off limits and emotionally unavailable to love anyone – they fool around with women outside their relationships strictly for the free sex.
For an even better understanding of how men put women into either the wife category or the booty call category, try reading the article “The ‘Ho Test.” All men test the women they meet to evaluate their morals and values. Your guy gave you the test and you flunked it with a capital “F”. Women that are deemed to be ho’s don’t never get the respect and treatment that men give to females they feel are quality ladies. I’m afraid you are stuck now in the Ho Zone.
You can argue that what you have with him was more than a booty call if you want to. But doesn’t the fact that he sees you only when its convenient for him and when he’s horny tell you something very important here? You let yourself develop feelings for a man that doesn’t have them for you, in a situation where you NEVER should have allowed your feelings to become involved.
Nothing you say here changes the fact that you knew he was married to some other woman. And that fact alone made you a nothing but a third wheel in someone else’s marriage. You set yourself up to be nothing but booty call to this man now and forever more. If that’s not the type of relationship you want, get rid of him and get someone else.
MsHeartBeat
Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."
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Category: Dating Advice
youreanasshole An old story goes like this: “An Indian boy was on top of a snow covered mountain and came across a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake asked the boy to please pick him up and carry him down the mountain because he was cold and would die. The boy said but you’ll bite me. The rattlesnake promised no I won’t. The boy picked him up and carried him down the mountain. As soon as he was at the base he pulled out the snake and the snake bit him. The boy said but you promised, the snake replied you knew what I was when you picked me up.” Perhaps MsHeartBeat’s advice came across as sounding harsh and unsympathetic to you, but when you’re dealing with rattlesnakes it’s life or death. In this case, someone needed to help slap this woman into reality because this guy is going to destroy her.
…and how exactly is this “advice” helpful? All I read here was you tearing into another woman and making her feel bad, calling her names like a schoolchild. What exactly makes you qualified to give this shitty advice, anyway? Anyone can tell someone else why they’re a retard. You identified a problem but came up with no real solution. So much for empathy.
Nobody cares what you think. The woman screwing around knowingly with a married man is a fool and needs to expect to get dogged out because she put herself in the position to be treated that way. Intentionally. Knowingly. She CHOSE to be stupid. So no, she gets no empathy, support or understanding or sympathy from me for making a dumbass decision. The solution is STOP MESSING WITH MARRIED MEN. It’s real simple. The fact that you got so defensive about it tells me that you are in a similar situation and you don’t want to cut your married man loose either. Sucks for you. But if you wrote to me whining about somebody else’s husband, you would get a similar hard-hitting reality check response.
I could not agree more with your response to that silly woman’s letter. It amazes me how deep in denial some women are about the behaviors they choose to engage in and the consequences of such actions. No rational man will choose to be in a REAL relationship with a woman who behaves in an amoral way, even while he behaves amorally.
And why would she want such a man? She knows he’s a cheat and a liar, based on his actions with her while married. I’ve known a few women like this and they love to associate with men they know are scumbags.
There are plenty of great single men out there, but women like the letter writer and her ilk will use any excuse not to give them a chance: height, ethnicity, no “swagger” (whatever the hell that is), “corny” (honest and respectful). It’s impossible for me to feel pity for such women. They have options, but always choose the worse.