The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely

This article is SOOOOOOOOO on time!!! You are the first person I've ever known of (especially a black female) that has the strength or nerve to speak out against the Black church. I commend you Deborrah. Why Black women don't understand their history or know that Christianity is the slave master religion we were taught to keep us under control is amazing to me.

This article disturbs me because there are so many misperceptions that are presented as truth.

1) "A church is nothing but a building..." Throughout the New Testament in the Bible, God refers to the church as a body of believers; those who have accepted Christ and are now willing to fulfill the Great Commission while here on earth.

2) “Going to church is a waste of time…” and “…women that remain single are deemed to have some major flaw in attitude or ability…” You make the assumption that the only reason a single, black woman goes to church is to find a man. While this may be true for some misguided women out there, many of us attend worship services (not, “go to church”) for the purposes of worship and fellowship. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:8-10, Paul encourages Christians to stay single since so much more can be accomplished within ministry. If single women are deemed flawed, this a worldly standard, not a biblical one.

3) “…if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him…” This just sounds like bitterness being taken out on our black men. While there is some truth to there being all types of men attending church, I find it disheartening that a woman who seems set on advancing the power of black women, would take it upon herself to totally strip our black men of their pride and dignity. This statement is a disgrace to those black men who have chosen to follow Christ for the sake of their own salvation. When was the last time you actually attended a worship service to see these men for yourself? Secondary research can only tell you so much…

4) Equating submissiveness with passivity – You assume that submission means that all Christian wives will be barefoot and pregnant, without a mind of their own. Let me just list a few of the women in the Bible who were anything but:

Deborah (your namesake) – prophetess and only female judge of Old Testament Israel. Her name means “fiery spirit,” and it was ONLY after Deborah agreed to accompany him, did Barak agree to battle the Canaan leader’s army.

Esther – queen of Persia who singlehandedly saved her people from genocide through wisdom and courage.

Ruth – chose to honor her mother-in-law by staying with her, and because of her actions, eventually became the great-grandmother of King David, whose genealogical line is directly related to Christ

Proverbs 31 woman – the standard many Christian women wish to uphold. Yes, she takes care of her family, but she is also a businesswoman, a woman of social responsibility, and a respected woman of society. It is because of her that her husband is recognized within the city, not the other way around.

I know that I’ve used scripture to back me up, and I don’t expect you to lend much credibility to that; but you have your research, and I have mine. After reading this article, my prayer is that you don’t discourage too many women out there who are striving to live a life for Christ with such a close-minded point of view. The next time such a general assumption is made about black women and the church, try talking to those of us who are actually single, black, female, and living our lives for Christ and not for those in the world who think they know what we need.

Although I agree with a lot of what you have said here, my issue is that many - both men and women - can't afford to blindly follow anything, including church of any color or denomination. Black churches alone are not to blame for this but laziness! Many go to church and depend on the "men" behind the pulpit to give them step by step directions to every aspect of their life. That is NOT how God intended it. When we go to church, we are to trust the man/woman of God to guide and direct them to scriptures, teach us how to pray, develop a relationship with God for ourselves, etc. Even Jesus said that man cannot live by bread alone, but from every word out of the mouth of God. If you have a relationship with God for yourself, then you know how to eat the meat and throw away the bones.

You might be called a rebel, you might be seen as a loner, or whatever but God should be the leading and guiding force behind all of us who consider ourselves people of faith. Men/women have faults just like we do and if you solely relay on their understanding of what they have read and studied, then you are in trouble from the beginning.

There are a lot of reasons that so many black women have never been married, and the church may be one of the ingredents, however our attitude, willingness to compromise, maturity, willingness to deal and create unnecessary drama, the what about me issues, and on and on. It's easy to blame the church, but the church can only teach what it knows! What about the other aspects of the woman's life?

The Bible says "study to shew THYSELF approved unto GOD!" Before we start blaming the church, spend some quiet time with God so that HE can mold, shape, and instruct us on the women that we were called to be in HIM, not who our girlfriends, mother, father, or even our pastor thinks we ought to be!

Peace!.

I read the article, and was a little overwhelmed. I believe to solely pin an article siting the Black Church exclusively involves an improper stereotype since we have not been privy to all Black churches.

Properly taught husbands and wives accomplish an extraordinary amount together by submitting and serving one another. And because we are spirit beings, we serve God!!!! Serving is a sign of strength, not weakness.

While I understand that my head is not in the sand and I acknowledge that there is manipulation that goes on in churches, it also goes on in every facet of life that you find human beings. I am a father of a young adult who serves and loves God, my wife and I encourage her to be well rounded in every area of her life. Having a proper balance. I believe that the article should have the same tone; (Proper Balance). The black church is filled with save brothers who honor woman and are extremely successful and are awesome fathers. There is always two sides to every story.

For every sister that agrees with your article, there is another sister that disagrees. The objective to life is love and serve each other and we won't need room for selfless or selfishness.

The church that I attend is running over with single black females who are desiring a mate some day. and because these women out number the men in my church to the 3rd power they sometimes find themselves cheating with the married men in the church. I don't think that Ms. Cooper is sayin forget GOD and the Church. She is clearly stating that women in the church often find themselves waiting for 10 to 20 years waiting on Mr. Right to come through the church doors and their Mr. Right my never come through the church doors.

As a faithful church goer, I agree with your article. As a younger member of a church my odds of finding someone to marry and mate with are slim in that setting. 50 women to 1 man does not work for me. And yes, many, not all, but many of the faithful attending men have issues or wives that bring them. We must go beyond the walls of the church to allow that man to find us and make a connection. And you are correct in saying, what healthy, stable, and emotionally healthy man is going to be beat down verbally by a book and a pastor each week?! I love my church and love going but I am not too blind to realize that I need to look beyond it to find my mate! Thanks for the article!

I agree with most parts of the article. I love God but I don't regularly attend church. I think too that most people put waaayy too much on emphasis on going to church but God is and lives within us. My wife goes every Sunday and gets mad when I don't then she comes home and tries to make me feel bad because I didn't go, says that I am going to hell,etc.. I am happy everyday but my wife is most always tense or in a bad mood. I always ask the Sunday morning Christians how they think God felt about the way the lived the other 6 days of the week. People quote recite scripture well but can't tell you what the scripture meant. Organized religion really keeps people mostly confused. My wife and I often argue about church, I believe the basis of religion is one having a personal relationship with the Lord, not your pastor or church members. My wife and others tell me that just because they to they get a blessing or they are more spiritually connected than I am and that's not true, I know where I stand with Him, they think they know where they stand but they really are not sure!!

Deborah, thank you for this article. I no longer attend church because I did get tired of the some old BS rhetoric! All the single women putting bids on and chasing after the 1 or 2 decent men in the church. I do have a close relationship with Jesus Christ and I'm no longer being controlled or feel bad about being a single mother or listening to some pastor dictate his personal views about me being a single mother. The type of men you mentioned above in the church and (some married men for that matter)..I've met them ALL ( in the church). Thank you for speaking up for us (single black women), who no longer spend all her time in church, dealing with organized religion. I'm sure some people disagree with you...but, let them continue to go to church to learn how to live life, while we're out enjoying the life God has given us.

Grrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaattttttt acticle........ Ms D

Deborah used this man's video as a basis for the black church being a big reason why women today are being kept single and lonely. But his ultimate message wasn't about going to church. What I got was that women should "hide" in God and not put themselves "out there" so to speak. I don't completely agree with him that dating websites and other venues are not good methods of finding a mate but he did have some good advice when he got into talking of a woman not giving her all without having him give his all and went into talking of a virtuous woman. I just wanted to say that comment on the video.

As far as Deborah's piece here, it has some good stuff as well as errors. I agree that black men are largely absent from church and therefore it's not a place designed to find a mate. People shouldn't go to church if finding a mate is their motivation for going. Church is supposed to be so much more than that and women will be let down if they miss all the main points of going to church only focusing on finding a man. I think even most pastors and preachers would agree that one doesn't need to be a card carrying member of a church to be in good standing with God. But I also believe that going to church helps women to find a mate if they take heed to the message given. I think some churches many need a younger translation of the message given there so younger dating population can understand it. Many of these "single" women in church who have never married somehow do have kids. That means they weren't following the gameplan preached in the church anyway. It's like saying a diet plan didn't work for you and you never stayed true to the diet to try it out. Also, a woman shouldn't spend all her time inside a church and only find a man there. She should be out and about stumbling into men as she lives her active life and I don't see where having Sunday mornings at church in the mix would harm their chances of meeting a good man throughout the week. Most of the men who aren't in church are in bed anyways at that our. So, if you're just advocating that people who LIVE at the church need to climb out, say that instead of disregarding church as a whole. There are churches out there that allow women preachers, pastors, etc. Most don't but I just wanted to put that out there. I don't view many teachings in the bible in Ephesians, 1 Timothy, Genesis, etc as oppressive but I doubt this is a forum that you wanted to debate scripture. I will note that it's hard to single out CHURCH as unnecessary without also implying the Bible as it is written is unnecessary because the many "oppressive" teachings Deborah cites can be traced back somewhere to scripture. So, it's hard to avoid a conversation on interpretations of scripture and also try to single out CHURCH apart from the God of the bible in which they worship there. She mentions the black CHURCH. Not the synogogue or mosque to make her point. So speak to Christianity and Bible teaching more directly and don't back away from it as she has in the replies to so many posts regarding her article only being about the church building itself.

You are right that black women limiting themselves to just black men and having certain characteristics will leave many women single. Many black men of today aren't stepping up to manhood as good viable fathers, working good jobs, etc. Black women's loyalty to only dating black men despite them not being as loyal to them is a much bigger problem holding black women back than the church.

Deborah, I appreciate you expanding women's horizons but not so much the stomping on the church. There were some good teaching moments in the man's video that weren't even addressed in this article (and a few bad things too but overall good).

Finally - someone is not afraid to put this information on paper!!!! Deborrah, Great article!! I have to follow up with your other articles!!

Deborrah,

Your article is ON POINT and right on time!! I was listening to you this morning on TJMS and thought.....WOW!! This woman has the guts to speak the truth!! Personally, I have stepped into the harsh reality that looking for love in church is a lost cause. You are so right when you speak about how church controls women by telling them to wait on "BOAZ". GEEZ!! That guy doesn't exist! And if they are even truthful about that story, the real deal is that Ruth went after Boaz, with the help of her mother in law Naomi. They don't tell that story....They had a master plan that worked!

When I made the decision to stop seeking a "God fearing man", but seeking a man who has the qualities that l like, who treats me with respect and enjoys doing the some of the same things that I enjoy....love walked into my life. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who does not go to church and I respect his decision and his spirituality choices. Church teaches you that if he's not a christian, then the two of you can not walk together. That's bananas, because its all about a mutual respect of each other and what ever spiritual choices you make.

I'm the happiest that I have ever been in my life....with the non churchy dude!! And here's the kicker.....my parents are ministers!! I grew up in church all of my life, but as I got older I grew to see the fallacies with religion. And, I knew that I had to do a game changer if I wanted to have a relationship.

If any woman reading my post can take anything from me,...please take this: Love YOUR God with all of your heart, but YOUR GOD or better yet...you're spiritual walk doesn't have to be the same spiritual walk as someone else. Stop allowing religion to cause you to miss out on life,...love and potential happiness because you are caught up on tradition. I have been there and done that. It leaves you empty, questioning God about timing and you are left with the short end of the stick....LONELY!!!

Now,...its important for me to be with a man who posses character, which goes a long way....beyond the church pews. There are LOADS of good men out there, who just simply don't do church. That's cool. That's their decision,....not yours. And, their decisions on God or spirituality doesn't have to change yours. Just learn to respect each other.

Deborrah....THANK YOU!!!! Despite some criticism.....you have hit the nail on the head!!!! PLEASE continue to help the sistas out!!

Best to you.

Although I don't agree with all points made in this article, I can definitely undestand where Ms. Cooper is coming from with her argument. Although some are opinions many can be factual by just looking around at some of the church going "folk" in their own churches or families for that matter. From the women in the church who wear the Big hats and speak in tongues to the men in the church who wear wing tips and pinky rings I can see why this article is cooking some of ya'll are mad. I guess when you look in the mirror long enough, you actually being to see yourself for who you really are and kind of hate being that person. Just saying. Love the article Debrroah!

Thank you for writing a piece on using COMMON SENSE. It is sorely lacking.

Most of these churches are fly-by-night, money-making ventures anyway. Anyone can be a minister or pastor as any actual knowledge of the bible is NOT required to start a church: see L Ron Hubbard.

I know the idea of leaving the black church will be traumatic for some because it's part of the overall indocrination of black women but this is just another area where they have to take responsibility for their choices. What are they getting from what they've given?

There is NO WAY a kind and compassionate and practical God would allow for this situation to come about. This is the proverbial kicking out the money changers from the temple - it's time to get rid of the leeches!

It's up to US to read the religious text of choice for comprehension. I do like Bible Study courses that compare the texts using Greek & English, with appropriate context - but that was after years of feeling dissatisfied with the churches I'd attended and I decided to take charge of my own spiritual development instead of being told by someone else what "X" means. That also includes building a personal spiritual relationship and finding like-minded others. It's an arduous process. I'll never blindly walk into a church and assume they are going to provide what I need or even interpret the Scriptures properly.

Churches have to be vetted just like everything else!

Hopefully more women will reevaluate what they're doing and why and seek better circumstances.

This article may be tight but its right and appreciated by anyone like myself, a former Pastors wife who got divorced and found out first hand that what she is writing is true! You may not agree with every point but anyone denying the overall truth about this is unwilling to confront what God is trying to expose. Women need to accept and speak out about their God-given right to strength and dignity even as we are Believers and hold true to the values in God's word. I am so proud to have found my church Friendship West and my Pastor who believes in social justice and women are equal in value in this body of believers. Proverbs 23:23 tells us to Buy the truth and sell it not (that means it will cost you something...question what you believe as true and LEARN from God not a man)...get wisdom and sound judgement means to use the brain God gave you to THINK for yourself. He didn't remove your brain when you accepted Him as Savior nor did He intend for any of us male or female to be in bondage. Thank you Deborrah. I know you're taking heat but know there are sisters standing up with you going YES! Its about time!!!

And for those who want to know (and even if you don't) I am now in a healthy relationship with a man who's in the church, has been all of his life as a PK but his Father was a progressive man who loved his wife and treated women with their God given dignity. He loves me real good so you can't contribute my comments in support of Deborrah as bitter, lonely hater of men. I love my man. I also love truth! Bless you Deborrah. Speak on sister!!!

I am a black male who doesn't attend church due to things that I have witnessed within the church. By that I mean the hypocracy of the church. Most of the people that I have met who claim to be Christians treat people horribly. In business dealings, personal dealings, relationships, etc. All because they believe they will be forgiven for the dirt that they do to others. According to what I've read in the bible which states that if an action is wrong then you shouldn't do it, not you can do it and keep doing it and you will be forgiven! Now about black women that I have met that attend church on the regular, most are the most evil individuals that I have met in my life, which gives me another reason not to attend church. If people that I meet in every day life that don't go to church treat me better than people who attend church who do you suppose that I prefer to deal with? My mother is a church going woman who is extremely evil, on the church board, the nursing guild, an eastern star, and the biggest hypocrite in the world. I choose not to go to avoid being a hypocrite, not that I treat anyone bad, I treat people how they treat me, because I believe as my father believed in Karma, the good you do will come back to you, which was proven when I took care of him for seven years while neither of my two siblings nor my mother lifted a finger to help me with him. When he passed these so called church people cut me out of every money that came from his multiple insurance policies. I no longer deal with them and I am a better person for cutting them out of my life period.

Wow, Deborrah - seems like this article brought out some real interesting and strong opinions! I think the artice was insightful, objective and thanks for the use of statistical data - which always gives hardcore factual information. It is never subjective and does not rely on "I feel" based on ones experiences, thoughts or patterns.

In reality, it is hard for many to understand and consider. I've done studies as such and I too have been amazed at its outcome not only in this area but in other areas. Don't let the harshness get to you - keep doing what you've been doing! Its okay to be a radical!

Okay... I am a black Christian male and Pastor Ken's video blog contradicted itself w/ "if you're in Australia, then the man would find you in Australia", then "if you are on eHarmony and he's on eHarmony" huh??? Isn't that still a type of game playing/positining yourself to be found? Dude wouldn't know a potential mate was on eHarmony unless he looked. Personally, I want to see a woman in similar actions as myself & radically pursuing God. Staying home and submerging yourself in hermit-ism is a way not to find a mate shy of thunderous revealation from God. The sentiment expressed here is true in the sense - "he that finds", but in the meantime, be a great woman without games and positioning... that is attractive!

This is a pretty interesting take on the dating life of a black woman and a lot of these points are true, but to tell a woman to give up God in the quest for a man is a litlle bit absurd.

I don't understand why people think women can only be happy if they have a husband or a boyfriend? I say love yourself. If someone is out there who loves you for you then go for it. Otherwise, we can sleep alone but never be alone with good friends and family. I get sooo tired of women being told that they will be "LONELY" if no one loves them. BS!! Be alone, get to know your own company. Why, as a society, are we always expected to "couple off"?!?!?!?!

Interesting

This article is unbelievably short-sighted and pragmatic to a fault.

She is diagnosing symptoms of a larger problem in the black church.

It's like she's examining a car that is driving around with the parking brake on. She's talking about the stench, terrible handling and poor gas mileage, but she's missing the larger problem.

The church (regardless of predominant race) needs to have at its center a focus on the gospel and sound doctrine. For the most part, the black church has neither.

I think what is leading to alot of debate here is the fact that what the author is speaking of does exist in certain venues. Surely there are places within our society that fit the format of which she is speaking. There is someone at every possibility of existence. What most of those who are opposing the total statement or ideal of her message are focusing on is the original intent of God.
Everything that is is not always as it it suppose to be. The "church" or "black church" or any other so called type of church is just a term symbolic of what God has chosen to name those who are called out after Him. When organizations follow the pattern of God, what she is speaking of does not hold true. But when the ideas and desires of men to pattern themselves after the genuine article divert from the original design what she is speaking of and more things worse are possible. What is truly being exposed by all who are commenting is there is a disparity in the body of Christ. Not everyone who names the name of Jesus is sincerely committed to following Him. When this happens the true purpose and message of God suffers the shame that is being demostrated by these comments. It's an indication that we are not doing all that we need to be doing in our repesentation of the Christian faith . The body of Christ is one, so we all bear the shame. It's time for us to show forth what a true relationship with God is capable of doing in those whose lives are truly dedicated to Him.

That guy on the video seems to be made for this article. Here he is telling women 'what he think's the bible means in terms of how they should find a mate. According to him. Women should stay ' hidden' and only the men can go out seeking. All of this is the same old tripe women have heard for eons that gives men a free pass to sew their wild oats, without impunity while women are supposed to remain virginal.
This is exactly what Ms. Cooper talked about in her article. Men's need to control women by controlling women's sexuality most especially their vjays. Now why not tell guys to 'remain hidden'? Because he knows that shyt won't wash with guys. But women are so gullible and believe anything a man says just because he has testicles and is wearing a robe standing in a pulpit. Women have to stop being so gullible and use their own brain.
They don't need some guy telling them how to behave. They are grown azz women and can think for themselves. Any woman that sits in a church like some brain dead sheep letting some guy like this fool in this video dictate to her, a grown azz woman, how to live her life and what to do, deserves to be controlled.

I wonder if ststers outside of the church are fairing any better with brothers outside of the church? If a man is constructed to stand alone, as Miss Cooper proposes, then why would being absent from church make him feel the need for a woman? If he is to stand alone, he is to stand alone. (Yes, the thesis is flawed.) Yet I still lay the burden at the feet of the African American family and of African American fathers in particular. We must raise our boys to understand that true manhood includes respecting, honoring, being faithful to and loving a wife, providing for for the home without help from a wife, and being the primary teacher of and one who engages with his children. These are standards handed down from the Creator himself. A man who falls before God in humility will be granted grace and mercy to live out these standards. Any women would be blessed by such a man. Men like this are found in church pews all over the country, having found the death and resurrection of Christ to be sufficient power to save them from wretched, unfaithful ("player," as Miss Cooper calls it) manhood, and to give them power to be strong men who can appreciate the strength of African American women. I still challenge men to be men:

The problem of women not finding a good man is more of a culture/social issue... It has only been "allowed" to run rampant in the church. I agree with RBJ, in that your word usage reeks of "Mad Black Women." I was interested in why you felt that way, but by the time I got to the "Pew Study Results...." it was more entertainment. The question is... Why you mad..?? Black women..?? Why is you so mad??

Sadly, the root cause of this whole issue is we're Christians - not necessarily followers of the philosophy, life and accomplishments of Jesus Christ.

The Bible tells us to SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS AND ALL THINGS WILL BE ADDED UNTO US.As Christians we interpret this to mean going to church, engaging in church activities, tithing, donating to pastor's anniversary, etc. However, Jesus said the Kingdom of God is within. Jesus did NOT tell us that going to church, following its rules and idolizing the pastor will bring salvation or fulfillment.

The pharisees came to Jesus and asked where or what was the Kingdom of God and he told them that it is within a person, not viewable in this world. Luke 17:21.

Moreover, the purpose of Jesus was to brige the gap between God and man. When Jesus was crucified the viel of the temple was "rent in two". This means that man could go directly to God wtihout a high preist. Tell me, why do people in 2010 still think they need DA PASTA to reach God? Jesus said God is no respector of persons. Why do we idolize ministers??

Our problem nowadays is we've become modern day Judiasm. We think the pastors word is the only information we can get from God. Also, we don't cultivate a one on one relationship wth God. We go so far as to think that what the pastor says is more important than what God tells us directly within our hearts.

That being said, I believe we need to find spirituality and all people" men and women alike need to spend more time fasthing, meditating, and buidling our relationship with God. Church is helpful but it isn't the end all be all;

I agree with some of the points raised in this article. Subltly far too many black women IDOLIZE their pastor, who serves as an emotional substitute for a healthy relationship with an available man.

WOW, REALLY?! I had to read your article twice to ensure I understood where you were coming from. I am an educated, successful married woman & also a Minister. My husband was devoted to God long before I & he does not fit the criteria you've stated. He is a good brother with a heart for God that prayed for my Salvation. The level of disdain you have shown, does lead one to believe you are angry, hurt or both! Here is my position, if you are going to church to seek a husband, you will not find him beacause you're there for the wrong thing! One thing I think you should have addressed is men can smell desperation a mile away & will use it to their advantage. There are two important issues why most women cannot find a suitable husband and it has nothing to do with the church! First, "Dude" has made boys that he leaves to be raised by their mothers who, coddle them & act as if no woman will ever be goood enough for them. Then you have the woman that will do EVERYTHING for a man, including having sex with them before they even know their full name. The man WILL NOT marry them, he has no reason too. There is no gain for him because he is getting his milk without purchasing the cow. As a single woman, I refused to cook for, clean after or have sex with any man that was not my husband. Also, you could not come to my home for a date because I alone paid my cable, electricity, gas, etc and a man was not going to reap the fruits of my labor.

I am a beautiful, confident woman who loves God with all my heart! I was not approached a lot because I was deemed "High Maintenance" and men knew they had to be on top of their game to approach me. The Bible and church is a model of how we are to live. Proverbs 31:10-31 instructs me of the woman I should be & to value my worth! Matthew 6:33 tells me to seek God first , His kingdom & the righteousness of God & I shall have increase (emphasis added). Psalm 20:4 & Psalm37:4 reassures me God will give me the desires of my heart as long as I am submitted and faithful to Him. Proverbs 13:11, 17:16 & 22:7 to start advises how we are to deal with money. The bible & church does tell women to submit to their husbands, however, Collossains 3:15-19 states that wives & husbands are to treat each other with understanding, respect & love in the name of God!

I am curious as to where & when you met your husband. Church IS NOT the only place to meet a godly man, so no, women should not limit themselves. At the same time, all men that attend service do not have a heasrt for God. Women have to determine the type of mate they want, then asses the qualities they have to attract them! The church does many things, but keeping people oppresed is not one of them!!

Peace & Knowledge!

Well, May be surprising but I agree in large part with the sister as she calls it “Going to Church” or simply Religion does not have an

ability to transform in and of itself. The only thing that transforms anyone into what God purposed them to be is accurate and consistent

intake of the word of God.(Rom 12:2)

Religion is an evil system whereby man by his own efforts and merits attempts to gain salvation or the approbation of God. Christianity is a relationship with Jesus Christ, by grace through faith, EPH 2:8-9, and not a religious attempt to gain God’s favor through a human system of morality or avoidance of taboos. Trying to be spiritual by some moral code is religion, I will stop drinking, smoking, and cussing and that will make me spiritual. We are spiritual because God has made us spiritual by gifting us the Holy Spirit, and we are in the spiritual condition when we confess our known sins to God allowing us to be in fellowship with God (1Joh. 1:9)

Legalism is man’s futile attempt to gain salvation or to continue in God's plan by way of some system of do's and don'ts, i.e., human good for the purpose of gaining God's approbation. Legalism is the opposite of grace and is therefore evil. This is the kind of system (“The Black Baptist Church”) that I grew up in, licensed and ordained but as any other system of legal code i.e. “Church Covenant” regardless of skin color or denomination it is all vanity.

So, going to church to find friends, or companions is not the answer, but not going to church and giving up on the plan of God is not the answer either. The pastor is not some sovereign deity that can dictate everyone’s life by telling them how they should live or what they should do with their lives, what you do and how you do it is between you and God. (Rom 14:4) The pastors job is to study and teach the word of God accurately and consistently to the point of exhaustion (I Ti 5:17) not police the lives of others by telling them what to do.

Remember it is never about the Man it is always about the Message.

The major problem is that a majority of churches are having Jesus Peep rally’s with a little watered down motivational speech on the end called a sermon so no one is being taught the word of God anymore it is all “High-Five yo neighbor, Ain’t God Allright, Stop sinning, and give yo 10% and God will bless you non-sense” So many people are led to believe if this person goes to Church certainly they must be “Good” yeah Judas was with Jesus for 3 ½ years and he was called the devil. People are easily deceived with kind words and sweet personalities and other plastic facades not because they want to be, but because they are ignorant of truth. The pulpit is unlearned meaning that teaching is not based on a literal interpretation of the scripture from the original languages or historical context and so you are left with made up or false doctrines.

Like to brother in the video, I believe he means well and is very sincere but sincerely wrong.

Example

One a “A man that finds a wife finds a good thing” the word finds in the Hebrew is Matsa' which means to find, secure, acquire or to appear, be recognized. How it is used in this proverb 18:22 means when the woman of virtue appears to him he is trained in truth to recognize her and secure her as his own. Now we have to compare scripture with scripture, does this mean a man goes hunting for women? Well Gen. 2:24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Notice be joined this is in the passive voice meaning the subject receives the action of the verb he will be joined and become one, not go seek and join himself to someone. Or the law of first mention, when you want to know how something should work go to where it is first mentioned, Gen. 2: 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh ; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man."

Now I don’t know what your Bible says but mind says that God brought her to the man, and not before he is ready. God has been teaching and training Adam up until this point and once he is matured enough spiritually or has the capacity God says here is your Helper (`ezer which is the same word God uses in several other places to describe himself, obviously not a bad thing to be a helper)

You don’t have to be a Hebrew or Greek scholar to know that when you are sleep unless you are sleep walking (another message) you are not going to find anyone.

So, Ladies no you can’t go anywhere to find a man Church, library, grocery store, clubs, pool hall, playing dominoes or talking $*&t (heck most of these is where you might find me LOL) because all you are going to find in your searching is disappointment. There is no successful relationship attained outside of the plan of God. Once you have developed a right relationship with God through learning consistent and accurate doctrine, then and only then can you look forward to having a right relationship with anyone else.

The man learns and understands that he is to Love his wife and Christ loved the Church and gave his LIFE for her, a real man though not perfect and without failures is willing to give his life, and in turn the women learns she is to respect her husband not as some slave master but as the Provider, Priest, and Protector that God made him to be. The authority is God given not man orchestrated, and the women is under the authority not dictatorship of the man as some door mat, not because she is less than but because it is the divine order and so you are more of the precious diamond that is being covered and protected by the door mat who is punched, spat on, and mistreated all for you just as Christ did for the Church.

In HIS Power

Pas J Michael

1. Christianity isn't about dating. It is about Jesus. Jesus who made women a central part of His work on Earth. Admittedly the Christian church has become an institution that in many places drifts from the priorities set by our Savior, but the church is about saving souls from the condemnation of sin and changing lives for the better. Church is not meant to be the place for people to hook up, so judging the worth of a house of worship on a sister's chance of meeting Mr. Right is missing the whole point. It would be like a gunshot victim selecting an emergency room based on the likelihood of finding a boyfriend or an unemployed person applying for jobs only at places where there is a high percentage of potential mates.

2. Consider the connection between the absence of Black men in church and the absence of "good" Black men in general. Church is not the cause of the problem, but rather an indicator of the true cause. The lack of a spiritual foundation and spiritual maturity that leads brothers to devalue women, to abandon a sense of honor, and to live self-destructive lives is the same malaise that leads them to discount the faith. In theology we call this "sin."

3. If the objective is to liberate women from the legacy of patriarchal oppression, telling them to make "finding a man" the center of their universe seems counterproductive. If even a sister's spiritual path is dictated by the hunt for a man, then you make all men god to all women. (Now who's preaching submission.)

The tone of the article, or word choices the author used to present the assessments and conclusions were a little too strong in my opinion. Milder language should've been used by the author because as a writer, if your objective is to reach out and educate people of your opinions, then you should speak in the most accepting way possible to increase the chance that your ideas will reach those who would typically be either closed minded or confrontational towards what you are trying to say. What good are you as a writer if you are just trying to entertain those who will probably agree with you anyways? What good are you as a writer if you are just trying to poke at a sensitive issue just to stir a hornet’s nest with the use of strong confrontational language that will only attract the responses of strongly confrontational people who are usually the least open minded kind of people to try to educate or gain some understanding with? The topics and information in this article were very interesting none the less, but the tone of the article makes me question the writer’s actual intent. Was the author trying to give and gain understanding about this issue or just entertain? Church should be a place for spiritual/emotional/social development and learning, not a place for hiding from reality/or learning dysfunctional habits towards seeking out mates/or manipulating people who respect your position of influence. That’s the conclusion I drew from all the points touched in that article. I honestly couldn't disagree with a lot of the data and personality characteristics that the article presented. The article was more like a confirmation of behavior I've already witnessed, that’s why it’s so interesting to me. Yes it generalizes issue that can only be discussed and worked out on a case by case basis, and yes it has a woman bashing undertone to it, but I couldn't disagree with a lot of the stuff that was said. One thing I am certain of is that our generation needs to start openly discussing issues like this if we want to become better people.

Dear Deborrah: I came across your article on the Black church through a friend and was very impressed that you took on this mirroring role. As a 62-year old white man who grew up poor but spent 30+ years lawyering for the govt., I do not stand in a place to validate or approve or disagree. But I have spent many years doing my work on race and gender, including leading multicultural awareness trainings. So let's say I see where you are coming from and have some sense of the attitudes and behaviors you are addressing and seeking to change and the intensity with which you will be resisted. The image in the mind is so different from the image in the mirror you are holding up for reflection.

It's ironic in a way that the institution which evolved to protect its members from the insidious attitudes and behavior of racism and transform uneducated and recently freed slaves into educated, productive members of the middle class or trades to the extent they could, has seemingly remained so sexist, and dare I add homophobic.

I had a powerfully transformative experience involving primarily the essential meaning of dominance in the Patriarchy, the banishment of the Divine Feminine, and the beginning of oppression of the Other. We are so deep in delusion that no thinks to question why we don't have God the Mother and God the Daughter up in the Pantheon with God the Father and God the Son. How could that be?

Blessings, Love and Light for this sacred work of Awakening!!