Black man raised “white” can’t relate to black women

. 03/26/2011 . 28 Comments

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a black male in an interracial relationship. I am caught in-between: a son to black parents but raised “white.” My family lived in a white community and I attended “white” schools. But for athletics and church I would have had little contact with my own race. I, therefore, talk “proper,” listen to some “white” music, and have lifelong friends that are white. I also embrace my black roots, have black friends, and value “black” culture. I live an integrated or fence-straddling existence (if viewed along color lines). I expect the occasional prejudice but it has been painful and disheartening to suffer that prejudice from my own race.

To be sure, I have sought a sister with a background like mine unsuccessful; she exists but she is rare and often dates “white.” So I am caught: to foreclose the “white” aspects that have influenced my life seems unnatural; to not “offends” the expectations attached to my black heritage. As blacks we have fought for racial non-discrimination only many in the black community perpetuate interracial segregation in most poignantly in relationships. My only desire is to love and be loved. Where is the harm in that?

Signed,
Caught Between Two Worlds

Dear Two Worlds:
The harm in that is that you are uncomfortable with your choice. Something is wrong and you know it. You are apparently so uncomfortable that you have taken the time to voice your discomfort in written form and express it to a complete stranger!

So I have a few things to say to you.

#1 You have not been raised “white.” White folks do not hold a patent on education, proper pronunciation of the English language (think of all the black folks in the UK!), nor on certain hobbies and interests. What often happens though is when Blacks, Latinos and Asians get “whiteundated” they begin to believe in some way that they are above, separate, apart or better than others of their own race. There is a sense that since you are “whiteundated” that anyone that looks like you that does not have similar levels of education, those social or economic or educational advantages, or those leisure time opportunities are less.  But the reality here homey is that you may speak slightly differently and you may have more or a better education, but you are still Black and you know it. And so you write.

#2 Instead of thinking of yourself as a bizarre anomaly to me you are just a middle class black man. Standard issue. Hundreds of thousands more just like you. You are NOT the only one in this dilemma. By your own words we know that traveling in your circle, you are not very likely to meet this black woman you speak of. You used a lot of words which to me just mean you are defensive about dating white girls. You don’t need to justify your choice to date white to me. I don’t know you and don’t care who you date or sleep with. I just know that it isn’t the choice for the majority of Black women, who strongly prefer to date and sleep with and have children with BLACK MEN. Statistics (which you can look up) bear this fact out… Black men date and marry outside of the race at more than 5x the rate that Black women do. Perhaps slavery has a lot to do with it – the pure white flesh that was kept from you, that you lusted over?  That is what white men though was going on, which is one reason why so many black men got lynched. We know that Black women have always been something sexually exotic for white men to have; white women think the same about Black men.

#3 Not all Black women raised in that manner are dating white men. And not all Black people that know how to speak properly choose to do it all the time. I know slang and I use it whenever I get ready. Though I possess an extensive vocabulary, I will still cuss when I feel like it. I’ve known black rappers, hung out in clubs, learned the latest dances. But I’ve also known politicians, attorneys, doctors, and dot com millionaires.  I played tennis, went to a college prep high school with 1% black student enrollment, drink Mojitos, love Sting and Michael McDonald, read books written by white authors, recited Shakespeare, etc. But I can also throw down a pot of collard greens, make the best smothered chicken and sweet potato pies you ever tasted, and play Dominoes and poker like a shark. Does that make me any less of a black woman?

Please allow yourself to grow comfortable with the man you are now. All your background and experiences come together to make you YOU. All of us black folks have to fit in, mix and mingle and occasionally hide parts of ourselves in public to get along in the White dominated society in which we live. But when you go home, when you are with your folks, when you can “exhale,” please take off the mask. Relax! Allow yourself to soak up the energy, revel in the uniqueness, glory in the vibrancy of spirit and take pride in the strength which is the Black man.

In closing, if you want your life to be different, you and you alone have the power to change it. As the saying goes the true definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing the exact same way, yet expecting a different result. I hate to see you cross over when there are so many young, educated sistahs looking for a man like you. But I am sure that at some point you will come on back home. Most Brothas do. 🙂

However, if you are indeed content with things the way they are, then do us both a favor and stop writing to busy advice columnists about your “problem” that doesn’t exist.

i
3 Votes

MsHeartBeat

Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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