Why does he say I am a threat to all his plans?

| 03/28/2011 | Comments (10)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I recently moved back into my parent’s house after living with my boyfriend since October 2010. Things weren’t working out basically. He lost his job before Christmas and hasn’t worked since. I tried to help him find work, even did his resume, faxed it emailed it. He kept telling me to go back to my parent’s house because he thinks I’m too young to understand what he’s trying to do (I’m 20 and he’s 25), and I do know.  He wants to get out of his ghetto apartment complex and get a house (yet he will not find work on his own, he leaves it up to me).

I try to love him the best I can even though I’m trying get a career started and finish school. I support him in everything he does, but last night he said I was a threat to all his plans, because TO HIM I’m all about myself and I have an attitude. I know I have an anger problem and he knows I’m going to classes for it.

We grew up different; I was a military brat and he grew up in Vallejo, California.  He always gets upset when I don’t handle problems the way he would handle them. I do the best possible way I know, he calls his way “the underground way.”  He thinks I’m smart but not when it comes to our relationship.  He’s always bringing up his ex girlfriend telling me how not to be like her and I am NOTHING like her. When I feel I’m helping him or loving him, HE thinks I’m plotting!!! I feel like crap.

I even had my mother work on his resume and he got upset when I told him my mom might want to speak with him personally on his work experience. He was like “I appreciate the help but I wanna do this instead…” And he’s always yelling about he’s a “grown ass man” and he doesn’t need anyone’s help. I’m to the point where I’m like “F*** it, I’m not helping you anymore.” But I don’t want to do that because then he’ll think I’m selfish.

He said we are still together, but I called him today and he was real passive.  Even when I told him I missed him, I didn’t even get a “I miss you too” back, when usually he’s gushing and texting my phone telling me he misses me and he loves me when I’m at work. His response to me saying I missed him was “Well what do you do when you miss someone? You call them.” But when I called he said “I’m trying to catch up on sleep I didn’t get.”

I think it’s over but he hasn’t said it. What should I do, I don’t want to ignore then he’ll think I don’t care but I don’t wanna bug him either.

Signed,
Am I Stuck on Stupid?

Dear Stuck:
You better hope you two are broken up!

You need to stop calling that evil ass, verbally and emotionally abusive fool immediately. He may be 25 but he has the emotional maturity of a rock. One thing he does have is a lot of game, and he was working a big one to set you up in a pimp ho situation. Common issue Vallejo hoodrat nonsense which begins with the line “you’re all about yourself” to induce guilt and to make his woman think she needs to prove to him by any means necessary that he is wrong.  She is not like his other woman; she is very much down with “what he is trying to do.”

See, the next push was going to be that you needed to “help us come up.”  He would then have come home with a couple of guys that paid him to have sex with you. Breaking up ending a relationship is emotionally difficult

He would tell you that it’s no big deal, you aren’t a virgin anyway, and that by letting them sleep with you it will prove to him that you aren’t selfish and that you are on his team. He would tell you how much he loves you and that you need to prove that you love him. Confused, afraid of losing the relationship, conflicted about what he was saying but anxious to prove that you are not like his  ex-girlfriend, you would have done what he asked – just this once.

You would have found yourself turning tricks thinking you were helping him get the money to make HIS dreams come true.  You would think it was a one-time thing, but that would not have been the end of it as he needed you to “help him” more and more. When you said “no!” he would have threatened to tell your family what you were doing, or beaten you into submission. That is what pimps do.

This is a common game for lowbrow men. Luckily you escaped because you had somewhere to go to immediately – back to your parent’s house.

The first time he compared you to another woman you should have dug in that ass. When he started talking about some other bitch, you shoulda told him to tell someone that gives a shit, because it ain’t you. Who cares if he is out of the ghetto or not? He is a fool and the ghetto is where fools belong! So if he ends up living in the park because he has no job and no money to pay his rent, good for him.  I hope that fried squirrel he is gonna be eating tastes good.

You need to stop worrying about grown ass men and concentrate on your own program, your own education, and your own success. Stop trying to bring losers along with you — the burden of carrying both him and yourself when you are just 20 years old is a very heavy load.

Finally, you should be HAPPY this all went down the way it did so that you could move on and make something of yourself before you got pregnant or caught up in some serious drama.  Dealing with men like him is just a waste of your time, life and energy.

Please take a lesson here and learn from this situation. Do not EVER allow a man that claims to love you to talk to you or treat you in this dismissive, hurtful fashion ever again.  Once you see that his words and behavior are not in sync, it means a game is being run on you. The second you see anything like that going down, it’s time to leave that man.

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MsHeartBeat

Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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  1. Danta' says:

    This is the point I attempted to make for so long, You have younger women that have that mindset passed on to them, “If he treat you any kind of way Stick with him”, and it’s alot of Bad marriages, and relationships as a result, by both the way they treat each other. He was not being a Pimp. He was being an idiot not a Pimp. Pimps operate like a Hostage taker would the Helsinki Syndrome where people treat you so bad that the victim begins to feel sorry, and empathy for the one that’s treating them wrong. He was using her as a conveinence “she lived with him”, and a scapegoat to direct his problems towards. Pimps say and do what they do to get the woman to trust no one but him, even her own family and friends he does all that to keep her, not let her go. The real meaning of Cop and Blow He Got the woman by the way he talks, and dresses:Cop when the woman has had enuff of how she’s being treated by a Pimp she leaves:Blow. It wasn’t even acknowledged that she has anger issues and takin’ classes for it, I know for a fact military brats that are women are spoiled, and very demanding, and always want attention. Military Men that are brats are usually laid-back, but very critical of people that didn’t come up like them, even if you middle-class. Younger women and possibly when they were young girls seen older women go through this and think this is the way it is, It’s hittin’ too many younger women of living or stayin’ with a knucklehead. All I hear is women constantly moving men in with them that ain’t no good, or move him in when she relocates to another state, or he moves to her state. I heard this too from young women: “I’m single But I live with my man”, or “I don’t live with my man he lives with me.” Nobody should play House, Nobody! that’s how that whole thing started. She needs to remember her background and use that when these dudes come at her, as well as to lay a foundation for her life. and Ain’t nothing wrong with the Ghetto, It’s originally a Jewish Term, plus Alot of Good things have came from there such as: Athletes, Actors/Actresses, Movies, Dances, Books Etc. Where do you think Gwendolyn Brooks, T.C. Carson,The Movies CandyMan, Hoop Dreams, Beat Street, Training Day, James Brown, Curtis Mayfield etc. Came From? The Ghetto! Women, as well as Men need to quit playin’ House. and alot of this drama would be avoided.

    Why did he say he a threat? because he doesn’t know what he wants to do, and he probably got a another or other females on the side.

    • Pimps operate in many different ways dude, not just one. Modern pimps are very sophisticated with their mind games, and even use technology like the web to run their game. The thing they are best at is uncovering the ways to get to THAT type of woman. You have a very simplistic view of the pimp game which is unrealistic and shows your inexperience.

      • Raz says:

        Deborrah: “ You have a very simplistic view of the pimp game which is unrealistic and shows your inexperience.”

        LOL, well look at what Danta’ is referencing, some article from the 70’s on pimp behavior. That dude is over 40 years behind the times. LOL. 🙂

        Danta’: “As I stated awhile back:Read the Book Pimp or the 1970 article about Robert Beck on Pimps a.k.a. IceBerg Slim”

      • Danta' says:

        Deborrah;
        Dudette,
        A duh! This is how pimps always operated, the game a pimp has changes to a degree but it always stays the same as well even with the technology. But the same principles apply They use Persuasion, and then flip it in all these new and exciting ways for the women of the day, and the women from other walks of life.And you right It is simplistic y’all the ones who make it complicated. and Get off technology for a minute, cuz prostitutes and call girls (I mean Internet and Urban Models) do the same thing with or without technology they use the Mouth, money, and social websites (male), and the body form, sexting and social websites (female) and that is Image not game. the technology is just extra. Pedophiles, and Rapists use the Net too to get those types of women or have you forgotten? And they not the best at that, if a woman is attracted to the dude whatever slickness he has with his mouthpiece, or is Older than her, and how he looks in his web pictures that don’t apply, because she’s gonna do whatever she has to to be with him period. Glad I don’t have experience actually I do I knew a few dudes that turned pimps, Goin’ back to my old hood to visit I seen him he said what up asked me about 1st year in school. and I told next thing I see is females I grew up with that were younger than me at a gas station, and then I see him come out of his crib, and motion for them to come back to the crib, and they did it and I was shocked! because he was a family friend. Ah well. I actually hold the distinction of sayin’ what I am going to do and Do it. Pimps don’t lie but they make they Whore or Hoes do all the work, and take credit for it. They don’t have game these “Modern Pimps” as you say got popular rappers, and Image and that’s what’s been pullin’ women young, old, and in-between for awhile now. and it’s Not unrealistic, or inexperiGlad I don’t have experience actually I do I knew a few dudes that turned pimps, Goin’ back to my old hood to visit I seen him he said what up asked me about 1st year in school. and I told next thing I see is females I grew up with that were younger than me at a gas station, and then I see him come out of his crib, and motion for them to come back to the crib, and they did it and I was shocked! because he was a family friend. Ah well. I actually hold the distinction of sayin’ what I am going to do and Do it. Pimps don’t lie but they make they Whore or Hoes do all the work, and take credit for it. They don’t have game these “Modern Pimps” as you say got popular rappers, and Image and that’s what’s been ence it’s called being true to the game. You gotta know where it comes from to know where it’s goin’ as well as what’s it’s made out to be in this day and age. Since we talkin’ about experience what experience do you have with the Pimp/Ho relationship? and you didn’t acknowledge the comment I made about her personal issues either or the Ghetto and who and what came out of it.
        And again on the Ghetto that Article/CNN story about that female that will graduate from Yale that made national headlines we from the same Hood. Now speak about the Ghetto.

        Raz: I did reference Iceberg Slim because he literally Wrote the Book on it, I could reference Machieveli too “The Prince” which was over 500 years ago, I wrote from Gold to God that was almost 30 years, ago, and other books by Pimpin’ Ken etc. that came out 5 to 15 years ago. they all said the same thing, just the times, the people and writing changed. I’m young I know this, but wise beyond my years. So yes I can reference all that and still be up-to-date, and ahead of y’all with the game, which y’all still don’t understand.

      • Danta' says:

        Deborrah;
        Dudette,
        A duh! This is how pimps always operated, the game a pimp has changes to a degree but it always stays the same as well even with the technology. But the same principles apply They use Persuasion, and then flip it in all these new and exciting ways for the women of the day, and the women from other walks of life.And you right It is simplistic y’all the ones who make it complicated. and Get off technology for a minute, cuz prostitutes and call girls (I mean Internet and Urban Models) do the same thing with or without technology they use the Mouth, money, and social websites (male), and the body form, sexting and social websites (female) and that is Image not game. the technology is just extra. Pedophiles, and Rapists use the Net too to get those types of women or have you forgotten? And they not the best at that, if a woman is attracted to the dude whatever slickness he has with his mouthpiece, or is Older than her, and how he looks in his web pictures that don’t apply, because she’s gonna do whatever she has to to be with him period. Glad I don’t have experience actually I do I knew a few dudes that turned pimps, Goin’ back to my old hood to visit I seen him he said what up asked me about 1st year in school. and I told next thing I see is females I grew up with that were younger than me at a gas station, and then I see him come out of his crib, and motion for them to come back to the crib, and they did it and I was shocked! because he was a family friend. Ah well. I actually hold the distinction of sayin’ what I am going to do and Do it. Pimps don’t lie but they make they Whore or Hoes do all the work, and take credit for it. They don’t have game these “Modern Pimps” as you say got popular rappers, and Image and that’s what’s been pullin’ women young, old, and in-between for awhile now. and it’s Not unrealistic, or inexperience Glad I don’t have experience actually I do I knew a few dudes that turned pimps, Goin’ back to my old hood to visit I seen him he said what up asked me about 1st year in school. and I told next thing I see is females I grew up with that were younger than me at a gas station, and then I see him come out of his crib, and motion for them to come back to the crib, and they did it and I was shocked! because he was a family friend. Ah well. I actually hold the distinction of sayin’ what I am going to do and Do it. Pimps don’t lie but they make they Whore or Hoes do all the work, and take credit for it. They don’t have game these “Modern Pimps” as you say got popular rappers, and Image and that’s what’s been for awhile what I have it’s called being true to the game. You gotta know where it comes from to know where it’s goin’ as well as what’s it’s made out to be in this day and age. Since we talkin’ about experience what experience do you have with the Pimp/Ho relationship? and you didn’t acknowledge the comment I made about her personal issues either or the Ghetto and who and what came out of it.
        And again on the Ghetto that Article/CNN story about that female that will graduate from Yale that made national headlines we from the same Hood. Now speak about the Ghetto.

        Raz: I did reference Iceberg Slim because he literally Wrote the Book on it, I could reference Machieveli too “The Prince” which was over 500 years ago, I wrote from Gold to God that was almost 30 years, ago, and other books by Pimpin’ Ken etc. that came out 5 to 15 years ago. they all said the same thing, just the times, the people and writing changed. I’m young I know this, but wise beyond my years. So yes I can reference all that and still be up-to-date, and ahead of y’all with the game, which y’all still don’t understand.

  2. SilentBro says:

    Not only is she stuck on stupid she is stuck with stupid as long as she chases this man who seems not worthy of her. He did the right thing (for her) by asking her to go back home. Real pimps/low lifes try to alienate a mate from anyone that can offer them common sense or better answers so hopefully her parents can key in what is going on and put things in perspective for her.

  3. KSERA says:

    I wish Deb had a bullhorn for this message! Wow! This was so on point & I wish I would’ve had this advice in my life @ 20!

  4. Raz says:

    I think this woman could also benefit from reading that article ‘Are women the new Men?” http://survivingdating.com/?p=2688

    A woman should never help a man achieve the basics in life, if he can’t do that on his own and is depending on a woman to carry him,he ain’t worth having. What a loser. I hope she reads this advice. Women do too much folding themselves into a pretzel while losers like this dude run game on them.

    • SilentBro says:

      Great article suggestion and excellent advice you offered. I agree a man who can not provide for his own (and his children)ISN’T a man.

  5. Rose Marie says:

    Thanks for breaking it down for her Deb. I hope the squirrels are like the ones that were in my college town-fat and not afraid of humans.

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