Why does he say I am a threat to all his plans?

. 03/28/2011 . 10 Comments

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I recently moved back into my parent’s house after living with my boyfriend since October 2010. Things weren’t working out basically. He lost his job before Christmas and hasn’t worked since. I tried to help him find work, even did his resume, faxed it emailed it. He kept telling me to go back to my parent’s house because he thinks I’m too young to understand what he’s trying to do (I’m 20 and he’s 25), and I do know.  He wants to get out of his ghetto apartment complex and get a house (yet he will not find work on his own, he leaves it up to me).

I try to love him the best I can even though I’m trying get a career started and finish school. I support him in everything he does, but last night he said I was a threat to all his plans, because TO HIM I’m all about myself and I have an attitude. I know I have an anger problem and he knows I’m going to classes for it.

We grew up different; I was a military brat and he grew up in Vallejo, California.  He always gets upset when I don’t handle problems the way he would handle them. I do the best possible way I know, he calls his way “the underground way.”  He thinks I’m smart but not when it comes to our relationship.  He’s always bringing up his ex girlfriend telling me how not to be like her and I am NOTHING like her. When I feel I’m helping him or loving him, HE thinks I’m plotting!!! I feel like crap.

I even had my mother work on his resume and he got upset when I told him my mom might want to speak with him personally on his work experience. He was like “I appreciate the help but I wanna do this instead…” And he’s always yelling about he’s a “grown ass man” and he doesn’t need anyone’s help. I’m to the point where I’m like “F*** it, I’m not helping you anymore.” But I don’t want to do that because then he’ll think I’m selfish.

He said we are still together, but I called him today and he was real passive.  Even when I told him I missed him, I didn’t even get a “I miss you too” back, when usually he’s gushing and texting my phone telling me he misses me and he loves me when I’m at work. His response to me saying I missed him was “Well what do you do when you miss someone? You call them.” But when I called he said “I’m trying to catch up on sleep I didn’t get.”

I think it’s over but he hasn’t said it. What should I do, I don’t want to ignore then he’ll think I don’t care but I don’t wanna bug him either.

Signed,
Am I Stuck on Stupid?

Dear Stuck:
You better hope you two are broken up!

You need to stop calling that evil ass, verbally and emotionally abusive fool immediately. He may be 25 but he has the emotional maturity of a rock. One thing he does have is a lot of game, and he was working a big one to set you up in a pimp ho situation. Common issue Vallejo hoodrat nonsense which begins with the line “you’re all about yourself” to induce guilt and to make his woman think she needs to prove to him by any means necessary that he is wrong.  She is not like his other woman; she is very much down with “what he is trying to do.”

See, the next push was going to be that you needed to “help us come up.”  He would then have come home with a couple of guys that paid him to have sex with you. Breaking up ending a relationship is emotionally difficult

He would tell you that it’s no big deal, you aren’t a virgin anyway, and that by letting them sleep with you it will prove to him that you aren’t selfish and that you are on his team. He would tell you how much he loves you and that you need to prove that you love him. Confused, afraid of losing the relationship, conflicted about what he was saying but anxious to prove that you are not like his  ex-girlfriend, you would have done what he asked – just this once.

You would have found yourself turning tricks thinking you were helping him get the money to make HIS dreams come true.  You would think it was a one-time thing, but that would not have been the end of it as he needed you to “help him” more and more. When you said “no!” he would have threatened to tell your family what you were doing, or beaten you into submission. That is what pimps do.

This is a common game for lowbrow men. Luckily you escaped because you had somewhere to go to immediately – back to your parent’s house.

The first time he compared you to another woman you should have dug in that ass. When he started talking about some other bitch, you shoulda told him to tell someone that gives a shit, because it ain’t you. Who cares if he is out of the ghetto or not? He is a fool and the ghetto is where fools belong! So if he ends up living in the park because he has no job and no money to pay his rent, good for him.  I hope that fried squirrel he is gonna be eating tastes good.

You need to stop worrying about grown ass men and concentrate on your own program, your own education, and your own success. Stop trying to bring losers along with you — the burden of carrying both him and yourself when you are just 20 years old is a very heavy load.

Finally, you should be HAPPY this all went down the way it did so that you could move on and make something of yourself before you got pregnant or caught up in some serious drama.  Dealing with men like him is just a waste of your time, life and energy.

Please take a lesson here and learn from this situation. Do not EVER allow a man that claims to love you to talk to you or treat you in this dismissive, hurtful fashion ever again.  Once you see that his words and behavior are not in sync, it means a game is being run on you. The second you see anything like that going down, it’s time to leave that man.

i
8 Votes

MsHeartBeat

Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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