Can We Ever Have a Drama Free Relationship?
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’ve fallen for someone who, as a child, was left by his mother when she had an affair. His two most important relationships were subsequently with unfaithful girls. He and I met while he was living with a girl (they were together for 3.5 years). After a few weeks of friendship, he asked her to move out. We developed a relationship, but she would send letters threatening suicide and all sorts of BS.
I told him, if she comes back into his life I’m gone. He’s broken down in tears and has started seeing a counselor because he has begun to have panic attacks. He said he wants to know me when we are old and gray, but right now (we are 24) he is “messed-up” and feels like this other relationship with this other girl, cannot end until SHE figures out it isn’t working. She knows about me, and she has been unfaithful as well.
I ask him if I’m just part of some screwed up mind game he is trying to play on her and he denies it. I believe him, and I also believe he just has some odd issues with women. What do I do here?
Signed,
In Love and Confused
See, this should be you running like Forrest Gump!
Dear Confused:
Good gracious! My gut is saying put on your NIKES and run like the wind!!
This guy is messed up big time girl. He needs a serious dose of really good counseling and time to heal the emotional and mental wounds left by the abandonment of his mother, his distrust of women, and reverses the feeling that he is unworthy of a good woman and a good relationship. Until he does that healing and makes those mental and emotional adjustments, there is NOTHING for you to do here but waste a bunch of your time.
I think its interesting that he is laying responsibility for the demise of the relationship on HER. I say that he is still in love with her, otherwise he would not care what she does, thinks or says. You are looking to some confused dude for logic and reason and truthful answers. Why? I dunno. Maybe you like to hear yourself talk?
Honey, he doesn’t know up from down in his own life, and is HARDLY qualified to provide you with direction or instructions as to what you should do with yours. With all that in mind, why you believe what he says he feels (he doesn’t know what he feels!) and why you are basing your life on what he says is quite curious.
I strongly suggest you kiss him on his cheek, give him a good hug, and tell him that you have to move on now because this situation is just too drama filled. Tell him you’d rather WATCH Jerry Springer than be a part of the show…
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
Follow Me:
Category: Dating Advice
I agree leave as fast as you can. Try not to have any contact in the immediate time because it will be nothing but drama and probably attempts to get you back into the mix. He has serious problems and issues and needs to resolve them for his own sake before he could be right as a partner for anyone else.
You may need to try to do some self reasoning to understand why you would get involved with a man already living with a woman (who told her to go AFTER he met you). Try to think about what you could do different so as to not expose yourself to this type of dilemma in the future.
I totally concur. Put your Nikes on and run like there’s no tomorrow!