Controlling Black Men and the Word ‘All’

| 05/19/2012 | Comments (4)

Why do black men focus on trying to make a woman speak a certain way to them?I specifically refer to their total dislike of the word ‘men’ used in a general sense to describe negative behaviors exhibited by the male gender towards females. black men attempt to control what black women say and write when they talk about men

I have noticed that black men in particular will become angry and adopt an aggressive and/or defensive posture about a woman’s use of a generalizing, all-inclusive word. They will demand that you change your sentence structure and be mindful of including quantifiers such as ‘some’ or ‘many’ or ‘a few’ or ‘most of’ to limit the scope of what you say. The reason? They don’t want to have to think, so they demand that you spoon feed them your words in a manner that allows them to easily ignore what you say. That way they can exclude themselves from your critical observations or commentary and protect their ego without doing any work.

In reality, such determiners are a given. Every woman knows this and doesn’t trip. Women understand that there is nothing absolute in this entire world. I can say ‘the sky is blue’ and though it may be on every sunny day and certainly it is somewhere in the world at any given time – there are occasions when the sky is golden yellow, or cloudy and gray, or even black. Yet, it is acceptable around the world to say ‘the sky is blue’ or to reference paint or crayon or clothing as being ‘sky blue.’

The funny thing is that men shut up and don’t complain when a woman talks about men in a general sense if she says something totally untrue but which boosts his already overinflated ego! For example:  if a woman says ‘all black men have big dicks’ or ‘all black men are Kangs!’ not one single black man will pipe up to silence her use of the word ‘all’ or to her to phrase her sentence in a manner that excludes him from that gross generalization.

Men are also very egotistical and need to think and feel that they are different from other men, when in reality they are all the same. Women know this and don’t trip about this either. Women roll their eyes about this and most other aspects of the male personality.

I have yet to meet a black man that doesn’t think what he wants, what he feels or what he thinks is more important than what a woman thinks, wants or feels.  He believes that his life experience and his outlook on life is unique to him and that no other man holds a candle to him.

Black men enjoy and perpetuate patriarchal thinking in the black community which places males in a position of superiority, and greatly benefit from it. A woman that doesn’t reflect their desired ego boosts back to them is charged with being wrong, a lesbian, a man basher, or threatened with being labeled a man hating spinster that will die single with 10 cats as companions. She is charged with having ‘been hurt by someone in the past’ as if she is too unintelligent to observe the attitudes and behaviors of men over the course of her life and arrive at her own conclusions.

But wait, I said ‘all black men have big dicks’ and you didn’t fight me on that, so why fight me when I say ‘all black men are egotistical brats?’

That’s how I figured out that its not really about a woman using the word ‘all’ or saying ‘men’ in a general sense, but instead the fact that they want to control what women say. They feel they have the right to make such a demand and that we are supposed to do as they say. When you, a mere woman, don’t fall in line to be a Ball Worshipper with your choice of words, men demand that you ‘fix it’ and speak in a way they deem appropriate.

But you know me! Now that I know something I do gets to you, EVERY SINGLE THING that comes out of my mouth is going to be done to mash your nerves into the ground. From this point forward I will write in a way designed to break men of that demanding, ego-focused habit. So my articles and radio shows will emphasize and consistently use phrases such as:

All you guys

All dudes

Every one of yous

ALL black men

All y’all

EVERY SINGLE black man

All you Negroes





When men show their get on the nerve card, I feel an overwhelming need to dance on it with cleated shoes until you men realize that none of you control anything but yourselves. I and every other woman will say what we want to say, the way we want to say it. And you are gonna like it. All y’all.

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Men's Issues

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Comments (4)

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  1. shfhdid says:

    Yes… I have been in this situation many times when talking to a Black man.  I’ve said things like “all Black men are smooth talkers” and they were okay.  Then, I’ve said “many Black men have double standards” and was nearly eaten alive and even told that, because I have a White boyfriend, my views must have changed…
    Excuse me? I’ve known something was wrong with Black men before I even started dating…  It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m dating a White man.  In fact, it is the Black man’s fault that I’ve ended up with a White man (I love him, so it’s great)… However, for years, I waited for a nice Black man to step up and take me out.  I thought that, since I am Black, that I had to have a Black man.  The only ones that would step up were the ones that only wanted one thing.  They would soon began to behave rudely when they realized that they were not getting that one thing without some type of commitment.  I have turned many Black and White men down, but the Black men act petty and rude afterward while White men are generally friendly even after being turned down.
    How pathethic!

  2. Razzy says:

    The ‘men’ ‘all men’ is really true. Even those men who like to separate themselves from the negative behaviors they’ve shown to women have at some point in their lives demonstrated that behavior.  So even if they finally grew up and got a clue, they still don’t get a pass and erase the behavior they’ve shown beforehand.  Most times the men whining about ‘all, some, are the ones who are the most guilty.  They just don’t want to be reminded of it.  And if this doesn’t include you, why are you even bothered in the first place.

    • AndreaLewis says:

       @Razzy I think you’re right. I know many guys (young and old) who do not get offended when women say “men” instead of qualifying the word with an adjective like “some”, but they are actual good guys who don’t fit the negative description / comment being made. they don’t need to have the statement or word “men” clarified, because it has nothing to do with their own individual behavior or character. It’s other men who have their panties in a constant bunch over anything women say that isn’t designed to stroke their egos. I have always avoided this variety of “sensitive men”, even as casual acquaintances. They tend to radiate an abusive and misogynistic vibe that I flat out despise. Beware of such men ladies!

  3. cleolamani says:

    Deborrah, in my experience, bw are just as guilty. Nobody is supposed to critique a bm, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES TO BW!! Certainly not a bw. Just the other night, I was going back and forth with a bw on fb, and she was like, “I’ve had some exceptional bm in my family”, and similar comments. Of course when I told her that for the most part bw are on our own, she had to concede to that one.  I was like, “wow”…

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