Day 6 – 40 Days of Rain on DBR Black Men: Entitlement Issues and Black Men
Whenever a black man walks up to me and says that he is “a nice guy” or “a good black man” I know that the first move on the Bullshit chessboard has been made and the game is on.
Why do I say that? Because in reality there is no reason for a man to ever announce what he is. Instead, his actions should be speaking so loudly, his behavior stating so clearly what his character is that there is no doubt in anyone’s mind what type of man he is.
Secondly, men are not qualified to determine their goodness or niceness when it comes to women. Men do not have that skill set. All they can tell you is how they handle themselves in life, what they have done in the past, what they plan to do in the future, and how they see themselves accomplishing their goals. The decision about whether or not a man is “good” or “nice” can only be made by a female, as she assesses the man and determines if he is good or nice FOR HER.
There are two reasons black men are quick to say that they are “a nice guy” or “a good black man.”
- The first reason is because their goal is to convince you not to look too deep before you jump in and welcome him into your bed. The phrase “good black man” is like a magic passkey to many black women. They hear those words and believe they’ve found the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and all of her life’s problems will be solved. If a woman takes such a claim at niceness or goodness at face value and believes what a man says to her with no proof of anything to verify his statements, she is a fool. She has been set up to give her all to a man with the expectation that he meets certain standards, all on his say-so.
- The second reason black men are quick to tell you that they are a nice guy or a good black man is because it sets you up in another fashion. See, when he claims that he is a nice guy or a good black man, he feels that badge of nicey goodness should get him brownie points. He believes that his niceness and goodness makes him more deserving of your time, your attention and your body than any other man in the world. In his mind, because he is good or nice, you are supposed to give him what he wants – your phone number, a date, a relationship, a commitment, and of course some sex. By claiming that he is good and nice, if you subsequently reject him, he will be extremely resentful and angry. He will shout to the rooftops and all his DBR buddies that you did so because “you black women don’t want a nice guy, you want someone that will dog you out!” If you reject him, he will claim that you did so because “you black women don’t know a good black man… all you want is thugs, jailbird gangstas and rappers!” In reality, you just didn’t want HIM. But he doesn’t seem to be able to accept that fact that his self-aggrandizing assessment of his goodness and perfection doesn’t entitle him to anything at all.
What are some of the other ways that DBR black men demonstrate a sense of entitlement to women and all that women are and have?
#1 They post meme’s like the one at right. On the surface it looks like he is a nice guy just trying to say hello. In reality he is a demanding, controlling egomaniac. What other reason could some man believe that he DESERVES a smile and has THE RIGHT to harass you endlessly and repeatedly until you give him what HE wants? When a woman is a complete stranger, no man knows what has gone on in her life prior to her arrival at that location. Did she just lose her job? Just get a diagnosis of cancer? Find out her child is sick and she’s worriedly on her way to pick him or her up from day care? Did her car just break down and she’s stressed about how to pay for it? Did she and her boyfriend have a fight and break up last night? She really doesn’t have anything to be grinning about right now. These guys know nothing and don’t seem to care as long as they get what THEY want from the situation. Why do you feel you are entitled to demand a smile and hello from a complete stranger just because she is a female? I sure don’t see none of you clowns walking up to some thug-looking scowling dude commanding HIM to smile. I would love to see that actually.
#2 Now if the woman does say hello or smile at them, how many black men will take that as an “in” to keep talking? You guys don’t seem to understand that just because a woman was socially polite, it doesn’t mean she is feeling you or wants to talk to your thirsty ass. Just because she was polite to you, no contract was created that guaranteed your access to her past those few seconds in time. But some of these guys will make a u-turn and follow her down the street or through the store asking “can I talk to you for a minute?” The worst of you will get close and touch the woman’s body and totally freak her out. Why can’t you all just leave a woman alone and be happy she acknowledged your existence? Instead, these anxious “good man” types put the mash on her because what she gave him isn’t sufficient, he wants MORE. You know how it is, thirsty people always want more. And if she should deny his request or tell him that she is not interested, suddenly she hears “you ugly ass bitch! I was doing you a favor to talk to you anyway!” or “you just a fucking ho!” or something along those lines. His goal is to publicly humiliate her, which is when he shows that he really wasn’t a nice guy or a good black man at all. Which she already knew. Which is exactly why she didn’t want to talk to the ignorant ass fool in the first place. These guys feeling entitled is a problem for black women, and one of the reasons they are not smiley when travelling on streets. Smiling at black men invites problems. Smiling at guys that say they are ‘a good black man’ invites problems. Smiling at black males that believe they are ‘nice guys’ invites problems. So black women do not smile on the street at black males.
#3 Rejection is very difficult for DBR black males to take. No matter how old or how educated, his reaction to being ignored is decidedly child-like and bitchy. If he doesn’t get what he wants from you exactly the way he wants it and when and how, he will get angry and pitch a fit like a two year old. Since women are, in their minds, supposed to submit to them and do their bidding, a woman that tells them no or doesn’t respond the way they want infuriates them. For example, the other day a chat box pops up on Facebook as I’m posting about this series. The guy (who I do not know at all) typed hello. I didn’t respond because I was busy. So he says hello? I typed “can I help you?” He says “there is no need to be rude!” and launches into this diatribe about how black women don’t give a Brotha a chance, and he was just trying to be nice and speak, and why couldn’t I just say hello when he said it to me. I immediately activated the BLOCK feature. But see, he had no regard for what was going on in MY life – he was just worried about himself and his wants. It’s as if a woman must fit the script he has written and should never be allowed to do her own thing. If she does, such a woman is deemed to be “an angry black woman”, rude, rebellious, too independent, or a feminist. In his mind, whatever he does or says to her after she rejects him is well deserved. Which brings me to my next issue with black males…
#4 Violence by stupid DBR black men has increased against black women. No longer content to call names and verbally abuse a woman not interested in his “niceness”, these guys react with flying fists or objects. I’ve recently heard of several cases in New York where high or drunk niggas 3 or 4 deep called young ladies over to their car. When she was fearful about a car full of black males and didn’t want to come near them, she was rewarded by having full cans of soda pop or beer thrown at her while being called every name in the book. A case I heard about here in Oakland involved a woman approached on the street by a guy. He demanded her number, she said no. He punched her in the face. She ran into a nearby store and this guy chased her into the business to hit her again!! It was all recorded on the store surveillance tapes so there is no way he could lie and say it wasn’t him. The store owner called the cops and he went to jail. But what sort of entitlement was he feeling to think a complete stranger HAD to give him her phone number just because he wanted it, and that a “no” entitled him to physically assault her?
#5 All over social media and BlogTalkRadio, rejected, bitter Beta black males get together and whine about the rejection they’ve suffered at the hands of black women that “only want thugs like Pooky and Ray Ray and not a ‘good black man’ like me!” In their minds they are owed the hot girl, the woman they want because … well, because they want her. Because they have a job and a car and an apartment, they feel meeting those basic qualifications of adulthood entitle them to the dream girl. And in their minds the woman should have no say in the matter unless of course, she agrees with him. Totally disregarding her lack of attraction to him for reasons that have nothing to do with his niceness, he blames her for his rejection. Totally ignoring the fact that she may not feel the least bit of compatibility, may not want to be bothered with his baby mommas, may be turned off by his lack of skills with the English language (knowhatahmsayin?), hate the fact that his eyes are red and he smells like weed, or be disgusted by the group of friends he rolled up on her with – he sees none of that as logical reasons for his rejection. It’s all her fault that selfish bitch, that he didn’t get what he wanted because she doesn’t like “good black men” and nothing else is a factor.
I was forwarded a link to an article recently called Bitter Beta Males which perfectly described several key issues:
Bitter Betas have delusions of grandeur who feel entitled to top shelf women because they have a penis and breathe air. These pitiful males believe they are great catches but they either have no personality, poor grooming habits, weight issues, struggle with psychological issues, or all the above. Successful men with personality do not have problems getting women. Bitter betas believe their lack of success with women has nothing to do with their personal deficiencies but a wide scale societal issue. They will never acknowledge that they are just undesirable bottom feeders. Bitter betas embrace in their victimization which is why they will never take responsibility for their own behavior or lack of social skills. They are not datable and women should avoid them at all cost.
DBR black men don’t seem to get this one fact right – when they approach a woman, all they know about her is what she looks like. All they know is that they want to screw her. Women know that is why you are in her face. But it’s HER pussy and she decides who gets it. You being turned on by a fat ass is not flattering. You being turned on by her face is not flattering. You being turned on because she is breathing is not flattering either. SO? So what you think she is fine? How does that help her? What’s in it for her? How does that make you stand out, be special and unique and deserving of her? Especially if she has any information about you insulting women online or off, calling them fat, ugly, old, or anything else that demonstrates that you are hateful, judgmental and critical of the female gender or black women in particular?
Now, I do have to admit there are some women that will give a guy a number under these circumstances. However, most of the time the number they give is a fake one, a voice mail number, or some other number that can be screened. Many of th
e women do it just to “be nice” and get rid of the pesky critter that is bugging the fuck out of them about calling. He feels he should get the number because he is ‘a good black man’ and if she doesn’t, she is passing by a golden opportunity. She just wants him to leave her alone and go away with his ghetto, crazy, thirsty ass.
Feeling entitled to women, getting resentful and flipping out like a loon if they don’t want you or respond the way you want makes no sense. Saying “I’m a nice guy” or “a good black man” also makes no sense. Why do you keep saying it…who are you trying to convince?
A large part of your entitlement complex involves playing games. The typical game these guys run is to try to be a woman’s friend, then make a sexual advance to her when they feel she is vulnerable. These clowns are always surprised when they get shot down. Or they try to hit on her when they see that she is in an inebriated state, because just like the not so nice guys, you wanna get your dick wet too.
I need to say a few words about feeling entitled to a woman, to sex, and especially to having a beautiful woman.
Most guys are pretty average and should look to have a pretty average woman. You do not have Jay money, Tyson looks or Michael Jai White body, so you ain’t gonna pull the best looking women. Those women go for the wealthy, famous superstar guys. Get real with yourself… you looked in a mirror lately buddy without your clothes on? You are no 10 and therefore have no right to demand to have a woman that is. You are not entitled to have a Playboy model girlfriend, no matter how many times you dreamed about that as an adolescent while you jacked off. If you are a six in looks and sex appeal, you have no right but to look at women that are 6s as well. You might get by with a 7 if you are lucky. That is what you are going to be able to pull. Stay in your envelope and you may have more success with women. Stop overreaching and you won’t get shot down so much.
Truly good men don’t have to say a word – their behavior shows who and what they are. So if you are going around always talking about what a good man you are, chances are you are lying both to yourself and the women you are trying to run that “nice guy/good black man” game on.
Smart women know a bullshit DBR male hiding behind a “good black man” cloak when they see one.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture
I was dealing with this TODAY on some damaged Black male’s youtube page. He was posting the same rants about all of us wanting thugs and I had to let em have it. This was on point!
I couldn’t have said it better. Just this past weekend, a black man approached me, said “Hello, you are beautiful! Can I call you sometime?” I said “Thanks for the compliment but I am involved with someone right now.” He went from polite to an attitude in 3 seconds! Even though I told him I was involved he said, “So, I just want your number.” I again said kindly, “Like I said, I am with someone.” Now the truth is, I am single, I just wasn’t interested in this man and his boldness of pressuring for my number AFTER I said I was seeing someone let me know he didn’t respect the fact that I said I was seeing someone! Do you know 10 seconds later his family comes around the corner and his wife wondering where he was? He was so embarrassed he walked away. SAD! SAD! SAD!
This article could not be more on point! Every word was true.
What is so funny after reading this, I stepped out my apartment to unfortunately come across a similar type male that threw a hissy fit because I didn’t respond to his hello.
Ms. Cooper, I agree with everything! I just can’t believe the mess that comes out of some of these dudes.
I am getting tired and irritated of hearing how many of them think they are “good” or “nice.” Those are key words for “I am overcompensating for my insecurity, but I expect you to deal with it because I’m a man.” LOL.
I’m like, NO. Black men that have this attitude need to just understand that women have the right to reject them. That doesn’t mean her rejecting him means she now wants a thug/dog, like you have said a million times.
This is the way I see it. When we go out job hunting and send in our resumes, we shouldn’t expect every job we apply to give us a call back. So if I send a job application to 10 jobs, if I’m lucky, ONE maybe TWO of those employers are going to call me back. So if a man hits on a woman or finds a certain woman attractive, why should he expect all those women to WANT HIM. Life does not work that way.
People need to learn how to make themselves stand out in the dating world. That doesn’t mean acting like a jerk. Black women should not be expected to just accept any Black guy just because he is mediocre or par. A man saying he is nice means nothing to me. Diddly squat! LOL. The “nice” and “good” words in relation to how a man is is EMPTY until he actually shows us the qualities he has to offer.
I LOVE THIS ARTICLE!!! IT IS SO ON POINT! There is nothing else to add. Thank you Ms. Cooper! You are an amazing writer. You tell it like it is! This should be put on blast to all those whiny so called good male blogs. And yes, the last part is so true. Dudes stop overreaching! Stay in your envelope!