Fussing and Fighting is Not Love

| 08/20/2010 | Comments (0)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
‘ve been dating this guy for a little over 5 months.  We fight all the time, about little things, not coming over, but mostly we can both be a little hot headed. I really care for this guy.  I mean I really think I love him, and he tells me all the time how much he loves me and that I scare him because he thinks he’s going to lose me.

I’m only 19 but I can’t see myself with anybody else. How can I stop all the fighting, or should I just bite the bullet and end it which is not what I want to do.  Please help me!


Dear Mary:
I am of the mind that when a couple dates, they are spending time together, checking each other out to see how well they communicate, get along on a day to day basis, how similar they are in attitude, morals, values, religion, life goals, etc.

These are the factors upon which a smart woman chooses to establish or maintain a romantic relationship.  With arguments and conflict, a smart woman will accept that you two are far too different to be anything more than casual friends, possibly not even that!

So, the fact that the two of you are having this many disagreements so early in the game means that you are simply not compatible.  Stop focusing on “love” and accept reality.

You two  have established a pattern of relating to each other in a very negative way. To me it makes no sense to be doing all this fighting. Obviously don’t have much common ground otherwise you wouldn’t be arguing all the time.

Perhaps you can be mature about it and maintain a friendly relationship with firm and strict boundaries, to make room in your life for someone else.  But you should know that I am not at all a fan of being friends with exes,  and believe it best to make a clean break and go your separate ways altogether.

Just remember that when we date, nothing is promised. Not everyone we meet and love is going to be there forever.  That belief is a childhood fairytale dream that many young girls have, but it’s not at all realistic.

This guy may be a wonderful  guy, but from the looks of things, he is not so wonderful and obviously not the right guy for you.  Don’t get fixated on this fella like he is the only man in the world, because he is not.  You met him, spent time with him, enjoyed him, but now its time to let him go and move on.

Over your lifespan you will love many men, and each will bring something wonderful to your world. Each will add laughter, joy, excitement, passion, and heartbreak in his own way. But the man that consistently brings you the joy, laughter and passion vs. upset, fears and tears will be the one you settle down with. You will love him, and the best part about it is that he will love you back.

The love you have with this man will feel safe, comfortable, warm and envelope you like a cozy bathrobe. Then you’ll look back on this and realize just how wrong for you this particular guy was.

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Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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