Opposites Attract or Do You Attract Who You Are?
"You attract what you are!" is an oft-quoted phrase, most often used to put down a person that has discovered that their partner has violated the principles of their relationship and proven him or herself to be flakey and stupid.
But I totally disagree with that nonsense.
First of all, the people that tend to quote the phrase have heard other people say it and adopted the statement as fact, without really questioning the validity of the statement or the guilt it is designed to create. However, those who are mentally aware and of a higher spiritual level know that repeating the statements of idiots makes you one as well.
I believe the process of selecting a mate is one of personal completion or fulfillment. In other words, we attract to us those that we feel will meet our needs, which are sometimes subconscious and beneath our awareness. Sometimes what we seek to attract or find ourselves attracted to may even reflect psychological or emotional trauma suffered in childhood. We all seek our other half, the yin to our yang, the cooling breeze to fan our fire, as we look for someone to bring us a sense of well-being and to complete us. Wouldn’t it make sense then that we would look for someone who is all that we are not?
I also believe that in most instances we attract to us a person that serves an important role as either our student or our teacher. In other words, we try to find someone who not only complements us, but who can help us learn about the human experience and ourselves, help us heal our emotional wounds, and help us develop ourselves into the person we would like to be. No matter how badly a relationship may turn out, we all grow and learn from each relationship we have.
In a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in July of 2003, researchers quizzed 978 single heterosexual residents of Ithaca, N.Y., between the ages of 18 and 24. First, the participants rated the importance of 10 attributes of a long-term partner, and then rated themselves on the same scale. When the results were tallied, self-perception was more likely to match mate perception.
The researchers concluded that: In Western society, humans use neither an ‘opposites-attract’ nor a ‘reproductive-potentials-attract’ rule in their choice of long-term partners, but rather a ‘likes-attract’ rule based on a preference for partners who are similar to themselves across a number of characteristics.
My problem with this study applying to the population at large is threefold: #1 The study was conducted on a 100% Caucasian sampling, which makes the results inapplicable to people of color; #2 the study was conducted on young single people of college age, most of whom are looking for a fun buddy and sex partner, not a spouse; and #3 it was conducted amongst residents of a single small suburban city who are more likely to go to the same schools, go to the same churches, have the same friends interests and hobbies, and the same value system.
Such a study is lacking in diversity and inherently flawed. In my mind it therefore has no application to the real world to people of color, nor to those mature individuals aged 30 and beyond, finished with school, with an established career that are positioned to seek a life partner. Neither does it apply to people that are already married and in stable, secure relationships.
What Qualities Might Be Similar or Opposite?
I remember my father musing that he knew the moment he saw my mother that she would be his wife. Years later, he often wondered how he got her, since he and my Mom, though both African American, were opposites in many ways. My Dad was a wordly person, raised on a farm, who left home to make his fortune at 14 and only went to school through the 8th grade. He gambled, drank, smoked, cussed and was generally a character. My Mom was a straight A honor roll student who sang in the church-choir, a French and debate club, goody two shoes city girl and Girl Scout leader. But theirs was a passionate love that lasted for decades until his death.
My Dad would jokingly say that if people weren’t attracted to their opposite at least somewhat, everyone on the planet would be gay or a complete narcissist, falling in love only with him or herself. My brothers and I were encouraged to seek a mate that complemented us, not someone that was exactly like us in every way.
As we go out into the world seeking the love of our life, it becomes apparent quickly that compromise is a key ingredient to successful interaction with others. Women tend to be really bad with this and either adhere to a totally inflexible and unrealistic checklist of requirements, or they have no requirements at all and settle for anything with a pulse! Men may not be much better, having adopted a checklist of their own in their youth of the perfect woman, formed from Playboy magazines and parental influences that seeking a "good" girl, a homemaker, is the path to marital bliss.
Here is my short list of some of the things you might seek in someone that is either identical to you or your complete opposite:
- Race/Culture. Many people may date someone of another race or culture, but when it comes time to marry and reproduce, they may actively seek someone that is similar. This is especially true for the largest population of the U.S., Caucasian-Americans that statistically have the lowest percentage of interracial marriages. Marrying someone of a different race or culture requires flexibility, tolerance and a willingness to negotiate agreements.
- Activity Levels. Couch potatoes that love popcorn and vegging out with the remote don’t generally do too well with people that prefer to be active – out skiing, bike riding, gardening, playing golf or tennis a few times per week, etc. This is probably one area where a couple should be on the same page. How a couple spends their free time can be a source of bonding or of major conflict.
- Socioeconomic Status/Class. Professional, educated and wealthy individuals tend to gravitate towards those with similar levels of financial standing and formal education. Men may be somewhat more flexible here and choose a wife that is intelligent but who may not have quite as many degrees or make nearly as much money. (The King may choose to marry a commoner but you will rarely if ever hear about a Queen doing the same.) Sometimes these men don’t want a woman that they feel will "compete" with him professionally or financially in his role as breadwinner. Some of these guys are looking more for a woman with good mothering skills or marry her for her value as an arm piece. Therefore, the woman’s looks may play an important role with men.
- Outlook: Some people are very detail oriented and others are big picture idea people. I am the latter, but I tend to have friends and lovers that are the former. Together we make a dynamic team as I excitedly spew forth ideas and they either make them happen in their life, or they provide me with a detailed list of things I need to do to make my ideas reality myself. In either case, we meet each other’s needs.
- Physical Attractiveness. Rarely do you see a person that ranks a "3" with a "10" though it does occasionally happen in Hollywood and Idaho. Men are socialized to select a woman for her beauty, which is probably why men will fall all over themselves to get dates with beautiful, bitchy women that walk all over them. Men of less physical attractiveness may attempt to elevate their status in the singles dating game by using their power, money or professional title to attract a beautiful woman. After all, in the storybook it was the Beast that went looking for Beauty, not the other way around.
- Expectations for Marriage. Younger men are often fixated on a woman’s purity, as they don’t want someone that has had a lot of sexual experience and who can easily recognize that his bedroom skills are lacking. Younger women seek someone that can "take care of me." Younger men also tend to prefer that his woman be more submissive and enjoy stereotypical gender roles as he focuses on a woman’s homemaking and childrearing abilities moreso than other aspects of her personality. However, older men on their second marriages tend to look for something different and focus more on a woman’s independence, sense of humor, flexibility, and the companionship/friendship she provides. His needs changed and thus what he would attract or be attracted to changes as well.
- Religion. This is a point of contention for some couples which requires one to convert to the other’s religion, and a laugh for others that each accept the other’s religious beliefs and go their separate ways on Sunday. Negotiation and compromise is required if they decide to have children, but often the couple abandons religion altogether.
- Handling of Money. I feel this is an area where there must be an ability to negotiate as a couple establishes goals for themselves and their family, but there tends to be a pairing of opposites in most cases. If one person is a tightwad, the other tends to be more a free spender. One may be irresponsible and tear checks out of the back of the checkbook, writing without a care in the world, while the other uses spreadsheets and budgets on a daily basis. A person that has financial problems and little to no money may opt to seek out a partner that is more financially stable to meet their needs. How many of these couples marry though?
- Children and Child Rearing. Opposites here might include a couple where one wants children desperately and the other does not, so having similarities would be best in this situation. A stiff, highly inflexible and regimented person should probably seek someone that will help the kids relax, laugh and have giggly fun in childhood. This couple would complement each other but need to come together when it counted. A home where there is too much discipline and little flexibility is just as bad as a home where children grow up with no rules or discipline at all. Placing children in a chokehold usually means you end up with suicidal, depressed and neurotic offspring… not a good look.
- Intelligence. Highly intelligent people are bored quickly with those that cannot keep up with them mentally. A couple needs to be able to stimulate each other with ideas, jokes, analysis of world events, mutual appreciation of literature, art, culture and music, and to understand concepts which might be related to employment or other interests. You must be able to share meaningful conversation with your mate.
Mating In the Real World
Watching television earlier today I saw a series of television commercials which touted online dating services "our program matches you on 87 area of compatibility!" and "It’s not about matching people who like certain hobbies … it’s about compatibility. You go on to the site and tell us about you, rather than about what you want" another says.
An examination of a couple of other online dating registration forms and profiles proved that most people still go online seeking someone that is like them in every way possible! Their stringent checklists leave little room for negotiation and effectively allow them to reject and eliminate dozens of singles with the click of a button that might provide a relationship full of love, wonder and excitement instead of bland similarities.
Other people feel that having a relationship with someone that is exactly like them would be the worst torture in the world and totally boring. They seek the passion and sometimes the drama that is inherent in a relationship of people with opposite personalities. Others adhere strongly to social and religious based mandates that they seek only a partner that is "equally yoked" which often translates into money.
Do people that are similar in most ways have more stable, longer-lasting relationships? Scientific research says "yes". But so what – people are not lab rats! Stable isn’t always happy and it definitely doesn’t mean the relationship is fulfilling, passionate, or exciting. Stable just means that the couple trudge along year after year in a relationship or marriage that might be making both of them miserable with cheating, boredom and unending sameness. Each is stuck in a rut and afraid to venture out and try something new because they are both focused solely on the longevity of the relationship, not the quality of it.
The husband of a coworker married for 25 years told me "our relationship works because of her. I know I’m an asshole! But she is much more easy-going than I am and puts up with my crap. I know that’s the only reason I’m still married! "
I really don’t think it’s at all necessary for a couple to be like a set of matched bookends or The Bobbsey Twins. Finding common ground with regards to emotional commitment, honesty, respect, and conscientious adherence to your marital ties, no matter how opposite you may be in dozens of other ways, is the mark of a truly solid couple.
Rodney is a 33 year old Air Force officer. "If the chemistry is right it really does not matter how similar or dissimilar you are. My wife and I got married when I had a two week leave before I got deployed back to Afghanistan. The chemistry is still there after all these years, but we still have totally different likes and dislikes. You both have to be willing to compromise, that’s all. What I observe in couples today is that divorce is simply a matter of self-centered selfishness. The "I-me" generation has a lot of this."
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
Follow Me:
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
Wow, one of my girls sent me this article. We’ve been friends since high school so she knows me like a book. She’s my ace boon, my sis. After reading it, I can see why she felt the need to send it to me. I have to say that I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. I was the guy who did everything ‘right’. I came from the right family both parents professional, mother a teacher, father was an asst. principal (at a different school). I went to college got my grad degree and became director of a large dept at a university. I married the girl, my family wanted me to marry. She was alright and we got married while we were both in grad school. I was 25 and she was 23 (having just finished undergrad). However at age 20, I’d met this sweet thang that blew me away. She was a hair dresser and I met her one day when I went to pick up my mom from the beauty shop where my Mom used to get her hair done. We started seeing each other in secret (because of my Mom) for a whole summer).
I fell hard, but we were both young and scared and went our separate ways. I still remembered her deep down in a place nobody but her has ever touched. I married a nice girl, the girl that was right for me, but I was never passionately in love with her and as time wore on, the marriage soured. Our divorce was finalized in 2007. (Thank goodness neither of us had any kids together).
I’m on the marriage market now and this time, I want what I had in that hair dresser. That hot steamy feeling that made me weak in the knees. I never looked her up again. I don’t want to know what happened with her. But I know I can get that feeling again. I certainly don’t want to be in a loveless lackluster marriage that looked right on the outside, but it was dead on the inside.
It happens folks. Don’t let outside people influence you. Ultimately only you will end up living with the person from day to day that everyone else is telling you to be with. They don’t have to live with them. You do. So when you make that decision, be sure it is for you and nobody else.
Marry that person that makes you feel that they are the last person you’d want to be with if you were breathing your last breath. you’d want to breathe in their scent, their essence, you’d want them to be your last thought. That’s how I felt with ‘hairdresser’. I’d wake up thinking of her and go to sleep thinking of her. Maybe I was just 20 and horny as hell, but I know what it feels like to have that kind of spark, that kind of bond, and chemistry and I want it again.
Thanks for the article.
Rodney nailed it. There has to be chemistry, it is what makes you long to be with that person despite the differences. I also agree with Raz. Intelligent people who care about their SO will want to do what they have to do in order to make the relationship work and this means compromising on both ends. But I’ve observed that in this generation there is no ‘we’, people have the ‘I and Me’ mentality as Rodney so aptly put it.
People seek their own paths and then choose someone who they think will fit into their pre-arranged world, rather than someone who will complement them as a person, someone with whom they feel that attraction that chemistry for. When things in their world start to go awry and the relationship starts to falter, they wonder why they aren’t getting along with their partner. Maybe they chose them using flawed criteria. People in this generation been taught to dismiss chemistry as something that won’t last. In fact I’ve often heard that passion dies out in 3 years anyway so you may as well be with someone for other reasons. (That’s another one of those ‘sayings’ like the ‘attract who you are) that is floating around, that needs to be addressed. I believe that anyone who allows passion to die out of his/her relationship is someone who isn’t actively tending to their relationship with the same importance as they would tend to other aspects of their life, like their career, or hobbies.
“Rodney is a 33 year old Air Force officer. “If the chemistry is right it really does not matter how similar or dissimilar you are. My wife and I got married when I had a two week leave before I got deployed back to Afghanistan. The chemistry is still there after all these years, but we still have totally different likes and dislikes. You both have to be willing to compromise, that’s all. What I observe in couples today is that divorce is simply a matter of self-centered selfishness. The “I-me” generation has a lot of this.”
I think Rodney summed up the article nicely in his statement. I personally believe that all of the 87 dimensions of compatibility and all other logical aspects of what makes two people be drawn to each other goes out of the window if there is no mutual chemistry. This is what attracts people to one another and what keeps people longing to be near each other even through challenging times. Chemistry is key without it, then you have a ‘friendship’. I also agree with Rodney in that if two intelligent people who share mutual chemistry (sexual, attraction) are drawn to each other and are committed to each other and want to make it work, then they would want to do what is needed to compromise and make that relationship work out.
However as he so aptly put it, this generation lives in the ‘I, Me’ mode of thinking when it comes to relationship. There is no we. Most people go out seek their own fortune and find partners who fit into their ‘lifestyle’ rather than seeking someone whom they are attracted to and who draws them to them for some reason. As Deborrah put it, “Sometimes what we seek to attract or find ourselves attracted to may even reflect psychological or emotional trauma suffered in childhood. We all seek our other half, the yin to our yang, the cooling breeze to fan our fire, as we look for someone to bring us a sense of well-being and to complete us. Wouldn’t it make sense then that we would look for someone who is all that we are not?”
However people will often run from the person who they are subconsciously attracted to if it doesn’t fit in with their logical thinking of ‘who’ they think they should be attracted to or who they’ve been socialized by society or by their parents, peer group etc.. of who they should be their partner. But attraction is not purely based on logic, which is why that 21 or 87 dimensions of compatibility touted by eharmony comercials don’t amount to a hill of beans if two people meet up and find they are missing that indefinable chemistry, that power of attraction that draws them to the other person.
If two people can’t connect on a primal level on a basic subconscious level where they find they are attracted to and dare drawn to someone who is answering an unspoken a need that is there then they will always struggle on a certain level. They may have a successful relationship in terms of longevity, but it would lack the fireworks, the sparks. I personally wouldn’t want to trudge through life with a man who doesn’t do it for me.
I’d want to be with the man who draws me to him, who complements me and who attracts me on many levels, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, physically. Those are all important. If that is mutual, IMO, we can work out the other stuff.
So many people are with partners and they have relationships with someone they are just barely tolerating. They tell themselves, “It’s not the greatest but it could be worse at least it’s xyz” They convince themselves that they’d rather be with the ‘the devil you know situation’. I personally don’t want to live with a devil known or unknown.