Opposites Attract or Do You Attract Who You Are?

. 12/28/2009 . 3 Comments

"You attract what you are!" is an oft-quoted phrase, most often used to put down a person that has discovered that their partner has violated the principles of their relationship and proven him or herself to be flakey and stupid.

But I totally disagree with that nonsense.

opposites attract, you attract what you are, attraction, laws of attraction, relationship selection criteriaFirst of all, the people that tend to quote the phrase have heard other people say it and adopted the statement as fact, without really questioning the validity of the statement or the guilt it is designed to create. However, those who are mentally aware and of a higher spiritual level know that repeating the statements of idiots makes you one as well.

I believe the process of selecting a mate is one of personal completion or fulfillment. In other words, we attract to us those that we feel will meet our needs, which are sometimes subconscious and beneath our awareness.  Sometimes what we seek to attract or find ourselves attracted to may even reflect psychological or emotional trauma suffered in childhood. We all seek our other half, the yin to our yang, the cooling breeze to fan our fire, as we look for someone to bring us a sense of well-being and to complete us. Wouldn’t it make sense then that we would look for someone who is all that we are not?

I also believe that in most instances we attract to us a person that serves an important role as either our student or our teacher. In other words, we try to find someone who not only complements us, but who can help us learn about the human experience and ourselves, help us heal our emotional wounds, and help us develop ourselves into the person we would like to be.  No matter how badly a relationship may turn out, we all grow and learn from each relationship we have. 

In a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in July of 2003, researchers quizzed 978 single heterosexual residents of Ithaca, N.Y., between the ages of 18 and 24. First, the participants rated the importance of 10 attributes of a long-term partner, and then rated themselves on the same scale. When the results were tallied, self-perception was more likely to match mate perception.

The researchers concluded that: In Western society, humans use neither an ‘opposites-attract’ nor a ‘reproductive-potentials-attract’ rule in their choice of long-term partners, but rather a ‘likes-attract’ rule based on a preference for partners who are similar to themselves across a number of characteristics.

My problem with this study applying to the population at large is threefold:  #1 The study was conducted on a 100% Caucasian sampling, which makes the results inapplicable to people of color; #2 the study was conducted on young single people of college age, most of whom are looking for a fun buddy and sex partner, not a spouse; and #3 it was conducted amongst residents of a single small suburban city who are more likely to go to the same schools, go to the same churches, have the same friends interests and hobbies, and the same value system.

Such a study is lacking in diversity and inherently flawed. In my mind it therefore has no application to the real world to people of color, nor to those mature individuals aged 30 and beyond, finished with school, with an established career that are positioned to seek a life partner. Neither does it apply to people that are already married and in stable, secure relationships.


What Qualities Might Be Similar or Opposite?

I remember my father musing that he knew the moment he saw my mother that she would be his wife. Years later, he often wondered how he got her, since he and my Mom, though both African American, were opposites in many ways.  My Dad was a wordly person, raised on a farm, who left home to make his fortune at 14 and only went to school through the 8th grade.  He gambled, drank, smoked, cussed and was generally a character.  My Mom was a straight A honor roll student who sang in the church-choir, a French and debate club, goody two shoes city girl and Girl Scout leader.  But theirs was a passionate love that lasted for decades until his death.  

My Dad would jokingly say that if people weren’t attracted to their opposite at least somewhat, everyone on the planet would be gay or a complete narcissist, falling in love only with him or herself. My brothers and I were encouraged to seek a mate that complemented us, not someone that was exactly like us in every way. 

As we go out into the world seeking the love of our life, it becomes apparent quickly that compromise is a key ingredient to successful interaction with others. Women tend to be really bad with this and either adhere to a totally inflexible and unrealistic checklist of requirements, or they have no requirements at all and settle for anything with a pulse!  Men may not be much better, having adopted a checklist of their own in their youth of the perfect woman, formed from Playboy magazines and parental influences that seeking a "good" girl, a homemaker, is the path to marital bliss.

Here is my short list of some of the things you might seek in someone that is either identical to you or your complete opposite: 

  • Race/Culture. Many people may date someone of another race or culture, but when it comes time to marry and reproduce, they may actively seek someone that is similar. This is especially true for the largest population of the U.S., Caucasian-Americans that statistically have the lowest percentage of interracial marriages. Marrying someone of a different race or culture requires flexibility, tolerance and a willingness to negotiate agreements.
  • Activity Levels. Couch potatoes that love popcorn and vegging out with the remote don’t generally do too well with people that prefer to be active – out skiing, bike riding, gardening, playing golf or tennis a few times per week, etc. This is probably one area where a couple should be on the same page. How a couple spends their free time can be a source of bonding or of major conflict.
  • Socioeconomic Status/Class. Professional, educated and wealthy individuals tend to gravitate towards those with similar levels of financial standing and formal education. Men may be somewhat more flexible here and choose a wife that is intelligent but who may not have quite as many degrees or make nearly as much money. (The King may choose to marry a commoner but you will rarely if ever hear about a Queen doing the same.) Sometimes these men don’t want a woman that they feel will "compete" with him professionally or financially in his role as breadwinner. Some of these guys are looking more for a woman with good mothering skills or marry her for her value as an arm piece. Therefore, the woman’s looks may play an important role with men.
  • Outlook: Some people are very detail oriented and others are big picture idea people. I am the latter, but I tend to have friends and lovers that are the former. Together we make a dynamic team as I excitedly spew forth ideas and they either make them happen in their life, or they provide me with a detailed list of things I need to do to make my ideas reality myself. In either case, we meet each other’s needs.
  • Physical Attractiveness. Rarely do you see a person that ranks a "3" with a "10" though it does occasionally happen in Hollywood and Idaho. Men are socialized to select a woman for her beauty, which is probably why men will fall all over themselves to get dates with beautiful, bitchy women that walk all over them. Men of less physical attractiveness may attempt to elevate their status in the singles dating game by using their power, money or professional title to attract a beautiful woman. After all, in the storybook it was the Beast that went looking for Beauty, not the other way around.
  • Expectations for Marriage. Younger men are often fixated on a woman’s purity, as they don’t want someone that has had a lot of sexual experience and who can easily recognize that his bedroom skills are lacking. Younger women seek someone that can "take care of me." Younger men also tend to prefer that his woman be more submissive and enjoy stereotypical gender roles as he focuses on a woman’s homemaking and childrearing abilities moreso than other aspects of her personality. However, older men on their second marriages tend to look for something different and focus more on a woman’s independence, sense of humor, flexibility, and the companionship/friendship she provides. His needs changed and thus what he would attract or be attracted to changes as well.  
  • Religion. This is a point of contention for some couples which requires one to convert to the other’s religion, and a laugh for others that each accept the other’s religious beliefs and go their separate ways on Sunday. Negotiation and compromise is required if they decide to have children, but often the couple abandons religion altogether.relationship compatibility, opposites attract, you attract what you are, law of attraction, relationship advice, dating tips
  • Handling of Money. I feel this is an area where there must be an ability to negotiate as a couple establishes goals for themselves and their family, but there tends to be a pairing of opposites in most cases. If one person is a tightwad, the other tends to be more a free spender. One may be irresponsible and tear checks out of the back of the checkbook, writing without a care in the world, while the other uses spreadsheets and budgets on a daily basis. A person that has financial problems and little to no money may opt to seek out a partner that is more financially stable to meet their needs. How many of these couples marry though?
  • Children and Child Rearing. Opposites here might include a couple where one wants children desperately and the other does not, so having similarities would be best in this situation. A stiff, highly inflexible and regimented person should probably seek someone that will help the kids relax, laugh and have giggly fun in childhood. This couple would complement each other but need to come together when it counted. A home where there is too much discipline and little flexibility is just as bad as a home where children grow up with no rules or discipline at all. Placing children in a chokehold usually means you end up with suicidal, depressed and neurotic offspring… not a good look.
  • Intelligence. Highly intelligent people are bored quickly with those that cannot keep up with them mentally. A couple needs to be able to stimulate each other with ideas, jokes, analysis of world events, mutual appreciation of literature, art, culture and music, and to understand concepts which might be related to employment or other interests. You must be able to share meaningful conversation with your mate.

Mating In the Real World
Watching television earlier today I saw a series of television commercials which touted online dating services "our program matches you on 87 area of compatibility!" and "It’s not about matching people who like certain hobbies … it’s about compatibility. You go on to the site and tell us about you, rather than about what you want" another says. 

An examination of a couple of other online dating registration forms and profiles proved that most people still go online seeking someone that is like them in every way possible! Their stringent checklists leave little room for negotiation and effectively allow them to reject and eliminate dozens of singles with the click of a button that might provide a relationship full of love, wonder and excitement instead of bland similarities.

relationship boredom, dating tips, relationship advice, divorce, how to add excitement, opposites attract, law of attractionOther people feel that having a relationship with someone that is exactly like them would be the worst torture in the world and totally boring. They seek the passion and sometimes the drama that is inherent in a relationship of people with opposite personalities. Others adhere strongly to social and religious based mandates that they seek only a partner that is "equally yoked" which often translates into money.

Do people that are similar in most ways have more stable, longer-lasting relationships? Scientific research says "yes". But so what – people are not lab rats! Stable isn’t always happy and it definitely doesn’t mean the relationship is fulfilling, passionate, or exciting. Stable just means that the couple trudge along year after year in a relationship or marriage that might be making both of them miserable with cheating, boredom and unending sameness. Each is stuck in a rut and afraid to venture out and try something new because they are both focused solely on the longevity of the relationship, not the quality of it.

The husband of a coworker married for 25 years told me "our relationship works because of her. I know I’m an asshole! But she is much more easy-going than I am and puts up with my crap. I know that’s the only reason I’m still married! "

I really don’t think it’s at all necessary for a couple to be like a set of matched bookends or The Bobbsey Twins. Finding common ground with regards to emotional commitment, honesty, respect, and conscientious adherence to your marital ties, no matter how opposite you may be in dozens of other ways, is the mark of a truly solid couple.

Rodney is a 33 year old Air Force officer. "If the chemistry is right it really does not matter how similar or dissimilar you are. My wife and I got married when I had a two week leave before I got deployed back to Afghanistan. The chemistry is still there after all these years, but we still have totally different likes and dislikes. You both have to be willing to compromise, that’s all. What I observe in couples today is that divorce is simply a matter of self-centered selfishness. The "I-me" generation has a lot of this."

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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