Should Women Propose Marriage to Men?

| 09/05/2010 | Comments (1)

should women propose marriage to menDear Ms. HeartBeat:
Do you think it is wrong for the woman to propose marriage to the guy? Do you know anyone who has or is thinking about it? And if so, how would a girl go about doing so?


Dear Amee:
I think it’s dumb and just another example of women doing too much.

Most men are very traditional when it comes to a wedding proposal, and expect to do the work necessary to acquire a wife.  A man in love wants to propose marriage in a way that is memorable for you in some way. Some guys go through a great deal of trouble to pick the right location and the right time because they want that moment to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for you both.

Of course he may also worry about you saying “no!” but I think most worry more about messing it all up, having the wrong size ring, having a ring you hate, or losing either his nerve or the ring or both!

But whatever happens, I think a woman should not propose marriage.  A woman who proposes marriage to a man is ignoring the reality that there are some things in life that men are supposed to do. They grow up knowing they are supposed to do these things, and they look forward to these moments where he exhibits confidence, mastery and manhood.

When a woman steps in and takes over things that your man wants to do, it puts you in the position of being too manly.  You become the dude and he becomes the chick which is rather emasculating really.

Not only that, every potential bride wants to marry that  man who wants more than anything in the world to be her husband.  He may be thinking that you are “the one” but he may have things that he needs to put in place first before he proposes.  Some guys want to have a better job, to buy a home for his bride, to pay off student loans, or to have a certain amount of money in the bank so he can offer you financial security.

Patience may be called for, but every woman should have a reasonable time frame for a dating relationship to advance to marriage; dating for five or ten years is definitely not “reasonable.”  And I’m talking about marriage … not living together (which is bullshit), and definitely not having a child outside of marriage (more bullshit).  Women have a tendency to get impatient and want to force a man’s hand by showing him how great marriage can be by moving in or having children.  In reality, all those women are doing is giving a man all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities or obligations.

Dumb move ladies.

So the bottom line here is this:  if you have to ask him to marry you, that is the equivalent of begging.  If he hasn’t asked you to marry him, he is either not ready to marry or not interested in marrying YOU.  Casual conversations about the institution of marriage and whether or not he ever sees himself married should have occurred by the time you have been dating for a year or so.  You would know at that point how he thinks about your relationship and you, and whether you should move on or stay and wait.   Either way, a proposal from you would not be necessary.

However, I have to admit that some men might be flattered and go ahead with the marriage – I’ve seen marriages like that.   But there will always be something missing in your relationship and the romance, passion and doting attention a man really in love shows to his mate is not there.  When a woman proposes marriage, her husband is never 100% heart and mind into the marriage as he would be if it were his hearts desire.

Think about it… if he wanted to be with you more than he wanted to be anywhere else in the world, and couldn’t imagine living a day without seeing your face, he would be excited to become your husband.

Isn’t that the kind of marriage you’ve dreamed of and really want?  If the answer is yes, then you have to agree that proposing marriage to a man is a bad idea.

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Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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  1. Ktrig says:

    Marriage proposals are so stupid and contrived. It’s such a huge male ego thing, especially since men are more likely to cheat and less likely to compromise for the sake of staying together.

    I know several strong marriages where nobody really “proposed.” The woman and man just talked about marriage and decided to do it.

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