Why Men Hate Dating Single Mothers

| 03/13/2011 | Comments (70)

With divorce rates in the U.S. hovering at the 50% mark, and more children than ever being raised by one parent, the possibility that a man will run across a single Mom are very high. But many men are hesitant to date a woman with children, and have a long list of reasons they feel such a relationship is more trouble than it’s worth. Recognizing their fears though, single Moms can approach the dating arena armed with knowledge and ready to deal with a man’s fears about a ready made family head on.

Here are the top 10 reasons men shy away from serious involvements with single mothers:

(1)   You Just Can’t Get Away. You are tied down and can’t just scamper off for spur-of-the-moment romantic dinners, spontaneous plays or concerts, or midnight breakfasts. Spur-of-the-moment overnight get-aways are out of the question. You have to get a babysitter. You have to make plans in advance.  And if you can’t find a sitter, or your budget won’t allow you to hire one, his desire for a romantic evening or weekend with you goes up in a puff of disappointed smoke. 

(2)   You Have Children by Numerous Guys. Most guys accept the fact that our society has changed and that divorce, long-term cohabitation, and just plain carelessness means that there are many women with children in the dating pool. Dealing with one guy about his child or children is usually not much of a problem. However, the chances of “baby daddy drama” increase substantially the more personalities there are involved in the new relationship. Men may stick around for awhile for the convenience such a relationship offers, but few are looking to “wife up” a woman that has that much baggage.

(3)   Your Children Are Too Old.  Tim is a 33 year old computer technician in San Jose. He won’t date a woman that has children over the age of 8. Tim drew the line after he got hit with that “I don’t have to listen to you ’cause you ain’t my daddy anyway” line one time too many. He acknowledges that many women make the mistake of telling their young sons that they are “the man of the house,” something the young boy may take great pride in. The son will thus challenge any contender to the throne and his power in the household. So for Tim, unless the children are relatively young, he doesn’t want to be bothered.

(4)   Your Children Are Too Young. At the other end of the spectrum are men that are run off by a child that is TOO young, like nursery or preschool age.  Small children are very Mommy-oriented and require a lot of assistance with everything from bathing to eating. They also require constant watchful attention for their own protection and safety. A man that feels he comes in a distant second to your children may not be so thrilled with the situation and choose instead to date a woman that has more time and energy to expend on him.

(5)   “Are You My New Daddy?” Smart men know that little children get easily attached to people they have fun with.  But guys don’t want to deal with that emotional quagmire. Should he decide that you two aren’t quite right for each other, he is afraid of breaking your innocent child’s heart. Many men therefore shy away from heavy involvements with single mothers, and put up roadblocks or shy away from meeting or spending any time with a single Moms children.

(6)   He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter. Realistically,after a breakup or divorce, children are usually pretty negative about some new person coming into Mommy or Daddy’s life. It ruins their fantasy of the parents getting back together. They may even feel that this new guy is “taking you away” and lash out, behaving in a manner so rude and horrible that you are embarrassed to be his or her mother! Your new beau is not so attached to you yet that he wants to put the energy into developing a relationship with any child who sees him as the enemy.

 

(continued on page 2 below)

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," and "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on Examiner.Com, SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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66 comments
Synthetic_Idea
Synthetic_Idea

Here is the number one problem with dating a single mom. YOUR not the daddy. Get that straight right off the bat. This is primarily the main reason for the frustrations and headaches that men go through with any single mom. I've been together with a single mom now for over 10 painful years, Yes...call me an idiot. Every year I hope & prey that things will change and our communication will get better. But you know what, it never will. I've realized that people will never change what's inside of them. If their not considerate, respectful, honest, loving & caring people from the get go, they never will be. The single mom i'm living with has a son who is now 22 years of age. He's lazy, disrespectful, liar, thief, drug user & seller, steals from both his mom & myself at any chance he can get and even stole money out of our 2 year old sons piggy bank. Here's the problem, single mothers are the primary enablers of such kids. She continues to allow him to live under our roof even though I have pleaded with her to walk him out the front door and let his real father deal with his shady & drug abusing lifestyle. But instead she continues to pay for his gas, his food, he pays no rent, no utilities, does no chores and listens to no rules we set forth in the house. I have tried and tried to talk to this woman and convince her that removing him from our home will allow a better outcome for our 2 year old. The catch 22 in this situation is that we have a 2 year together and leaving her because she will not get rid of the main problem in our house, her 22 year old son. Me leaving this situation would put me on the outside of a relationship with my own biological son. It's a sad and depressing position to be. The stress & frustration has put a major strain and wall up between our relationship, heck we don't have sex anymore because were so at odds with each other. The tension and disappointment have just pushed us away further and further each year.  The problem with most single mother's is the simple fact that they do not know how to let go and let their children become a responsible independent individual. They tend to cottle the children and never allow them to face life's challenges on their own. They don't want them to fall down and have to get back up, they want them to win a trophy even if they came in last place. I know they love them to know end, but some of these single mothers are doing more damage than good by babying these kids well into their late teen years. It's unfortunate, but I'm at a loss here and stuck in a single mom's Bermuda triangle. What is one to do in this situation? What would you do? I'm open for suggestions & advise. 

Darltk
Darltk

I am a professional, educated guy. My kids are grown and I prefer to date women without kids. It is too much responsibility sometimes. I was married to a woman who had a teen child and it was not a good experience. The daughter preferred for it to be her and her mom so I gave in. The mother did not have that conversation about respect. I also dated a woman that had a 6 and 8 year old. They were out of control! LOL. However, some women without kids and are in their 30's plus do seem to be self centered and selfish. It is like a catch 22. I just met someone who has an 8, 13 and 17 year old. That's a lot of responsibility! She seems like a nice person so I am seeing how it goes. I am open because most people are all about seeing what they can get and running a game. I've decided that if she is a good woman and the kids are under control than I will keep an open mind.

Special_Edu_NUPE
Special_Edu_NUPE

I've read most of the posts on the forum and I appreciate and respect everyones opinion on the subject. However, I must admit it is a little disturbing when some guys have commented about their past experiences with single moms and they are immediately attacked and insulted by a few users. That being said, I don't have any children but do have experience dating women who do. The region where I live has a very high rate of single moms so when I actually come across a woman without kids its like I hit the lotto. 

 

I have no problem dating a woman with kids because its just reality, but if she has more than one I refuse to go down that path. Before I get attacked for saying that let me explain. I know their are several circumstances which can result in a woman being a single parent and many may be outside of her control. However many are in her control and being that I've have been pretty responsible in my personal(sex) life I'm looking for the same in a woman I date. Also, I would like to have a couple of kids so if she already has two or more that would be too many. 

 

I'll close by saying many single moms that I have encountered have not learned from there past mistakes, regarding the type of men they talk to. It's like they activity seek out guys that disrespect them and don't know how to handle being respected. Of course this isn't true for all single moms. One kid is Kool but more than one is asking a lot in my opinion, after all I don't have any.

micheledelvallevega
micheledelvallevega

I'm a mother of 4 with one divorce and another in the thinking.....and I totally agree! XD

YolondaRTaylor
YolondaRTaylor

With all due respect towards this article, I am a 40 year old woman who is educated and working to better herself, has married only once with NO KIDS. All I can say is while all fingers are pointed at the women, let's put this subject on the flip side.. which is a TWO-WAY street. There are some MEN out here in the exact same position and with that said how do you all think women who are in positions like myself feel??? Just making a solid point...

blackcaesar
blackcaesar

You know I don't know if this is wrong of me or not, maybe you all can help me on this one. But, most single black women have never been married in the first place right? O.K., so I think to myself about these women, "What kind of knucklehead would get themselves into the position where they are solely responsible for the well-being of children? Didn't they know how difficult it would be as a single parent. They certainly could not have good judgement. My sister, my mother, and all the women in my family were smart enough to recruit, for lack of a better word, the help/resources of the father of their children and got married to them to boot. What's wrong with these women who seem unable to similarly "corral in" a man or better yet, a husband." I've got this male best-friend who has SOLE custody of two children (one of whom is not even his biologically) from this trifling white woman who cheated on him prior to him deciding to move to Indiana with her and having their biological child. Now, he tells me that he never gets a day off, even when he has days off from work. All I think is "that's what you get for not breaking up with that chick when you found out she cheated on you." I mean dude is my best bud from childhood, but talk about POOR judgement!

Jucole
Jucole

I am a single mom of two & no one that I've came across so far as been turned off by me having kids. I actually look for men who have experience with children & who are self-reliant & if they have kids of their own they have to have a good relationship with them to keep my interest. I guess you just need to know how to pick them. I also have no drama with my children's father & a set vistation schedule that allows me to have some free time every week & every other weekend. I thank therapy, counseling, &, parenting classes for that.

Heather
Heather

I am a successful single mother, ie great career and working on Master's degree. I have found on the dating scene that it is difficult to find a man who is not intimidated by the fact that I have two children. I guess I look at these sites to remain open-minded and not to get bitter. I know that every man I date will be different and how they act will be different. I know it is difficult for someone to come into our lives. I do not let my children meet any man unless the relationship is getting serious, though I tell every man I date that I am a single mother. It is hard and I almost feel 'tainted' over it. My children are my priority. I am only in my 20s though so I would like to date. It's just difficult and I see how it is difficult from both ends.

amb
amb

I am single mom. I reject so many guys who want to date me. mostly they are singl dad too.

Theo3773
Theo3773

I am a successful single male, 2 masters degrees, and trying to start a 3rd degree program. I gots money, although tight in this economy, and I can take care of myself.

When dating single mothers in this country, I always get the rough end of the stick. Basically, they want a babysitter for their kids since the kids already have a father. And the women are always into their kids or fighting with the ex or emotionally suffering when the kids are with the ex. I was like, I don't need this. I don't think most of them are ready for a really mature relationship with good sex and marriage. So I avoid them. Some are cute yes, and they need a second chance yes I agree. But what I find in America is that the women give their bodies over to bad men, and then want a good man to raise their kids while giving him neither decent sex, nor his own children, nor quality time. It really sux to be a good man here. So.... I date women abroad and I'm about to marry one. I'm sure Raz is gonna go all crazy on me but I don't care. Oh yeah, I'm half Black....LOL.

cee
cee

Well I dated and married a single mother. Here are my points:
-I had no experience with kids going in. The role of step-dad is murky as it is and it was tough. Id be constantly accused by mom of being too friendly and not being enough of a "parent". While at the same time not having a lot of respect from kids.
-The woman had lots of pre-conceived and not too positive notions about men based on her first hubby. Lot of baggage from this dude.
-I frankly ended up being baby-sitter a lot. If she had night away from kids she would spend those times with her friends, whereas I got family nights. Which usually meant her napping or watching TV while I played with kids.
-It was expensive. In time and money.
-I often got slapped with double standard. I had to not only become the 50's style provider to a family, but I had to respect the "modern independent woman" too. So if she needed a car, id get one angle, but if she wanted to go out with friends or there was housework to do, id get another.

It was tough and my marriage did not last long.

dave
dave

Its nice to listen to single moms point of view. I dated single moms and the only thing that I do not get about some of you, is that you do not sacrafice time to get to know good men that treat you and your children with respect. So if you see a man that treat you right don't look for some imperfection or formulate something bad about that person.

justchecking
justchecking

Just wanted to see how young was considered too young for dating a baby's mom. My ex introduced my son to his new girlfriend when her baby was all of 11 weeks old, I don't know how old-or if the baby was even born yet- when he started dating her. I don't want to be mean or bitter but this seems pretty unhealthy to me. I want to warn my son not to get to attached to this woman without interfering in his relationship with his dad/dad's life. It's a tricky situation. Nice to get confirmation that younger than preschool aged is pretty much too young- I think it probably is for the most part.

Isabella
Isabella

Men hate dating single mothers? Are you kidding me? Where I live, it seems single mothers have better luck with men then single women without kids o_O

Jake
Jake

I love how some of these sensitive single mommys get so defensive and emotional lol

xyengineer
xyengineer

I am in a relationship with a single mother. It's hard because she is in college. I think a guy should do it only if the feelings are strongest and sincere. If the intentions are casual, then it is not a good idea. I rarely get to see her, and the focus is on her child and very hard college courses while living on finacial aid. The proximity of the ex with joint custody is also awkward and weird. He literally baby sits when we go out. However, I am older from Generation X and am aware of high divorce rates. I know single parenthood is common. It's frequent enough that guys in their 20s who disdain single mothers right now may end up getting divorced and re-enter the dating scene as single dads 10-20 years from now. All these guys posting negative comments about single moms need to be aware that single parenthood could easily happen to them. So being older I am more patient and realistic about it. When I was 23 I would not have done it. But now that I am older I see qualities that are great in my friend the single mother: maturity, frugality, a strong work ethic, and a desire to start over. She deserves a 2nd chance, and this holiday season I'll give it to her.

Harry Fountain
Harry Fountain

Who wants to help raise another man's child? Not I.

Tina
Tina

I'm a single mom. This message is for all men. men who go after single moms are pigs.. pls do respect our kind. There are lots of emotional and physical baggage on our backs... dont fool around coz you re not funny

Good Black Man
Good Black Man

You gots to be crazy to date a women with kids.

I asked a single mother of one whether she would date a man who was a single father. She told me tried to one time and it was too difficult always trying to coordinate their schedules, so she broke it off. No kidding!

Ain't no man gonna date a women with a kid when he don't have to. There are so many single women I wouldn't date Halle Berry, a single mom, if she offered to pick me up in her limo.

Another reason you may not have mentioned is that single mothers are always attached to their ex-bf or husbands. You could lose all the time investment with the single mother if she decides to get back together with her ex. And you know what, good for them! Because I don't think any man can or will love a child like he would love his own child (unless the child was adopted or some other circumstance).

Darltk
Darltk

 @Synthetic_Idea Tough situation. Personally I would not deal with it but I don't have a 2 year old. I left a situation similar to this for less. My Stepdaughter would was 14 when we married,  hardly spoke to me, never had any chores and told me that she only wanted it to be her and the Mother. I literally begged my Ex to talk to her but this never happened. She was not a bad person. She did go to College and graduate. Just the lack of respect, Especially when I pay the bills. Her mothers reasoning was that she would move out. Guess what......She and her mom still live together and she is 23. I agree that the parents are the enablers. My sons mom coddles him at 26. He still lives at home. Personally, I would move out and get a court order for visitation. You may be able to get custody if you feel this 22 year old may be a negative influence. In the long run, It is better than living miserable and disrespected. 

Razzy
Razzy

 @Darltk "I've decided that if she is a good woman and the kids are under control then I will keep an open mind".

 

Well that's all you can do... See how it goes.  My brother married a woman with kids and he is very happy.

Darltk
Darltk

 @YolondaRTaylor Valid point. However, the percentage of men with custody of their kids is low. Since most woman have custody, this is a regular situation with men.

Deborrah
Deborrah moderator

 @YolondaRTaylor The difference is that the women usually have custody of the children, while the men are occasional parents on alternating weekends. Men still have plenty of time to establish and maintain relationships, sometimes with more than one woman at the same time while STILL BEING A DADDY. That isn't the case for the woman, unless she is not the custodial parent.

 

With the majority of children in baby momma or divorces living with their mothers, this article holds much more validity and is much more useful to women than talking about the mere 5% of men that have full-time custody of their children. However, we love to run articles of quality here that other people write. So if you feel that strongly about anything you read on this website, feel free to write at least 500 words about it and submit it using the Contact Us link above.

micheledelvallevega
micheledelvallevega

 @YolondaRTaylor So very true...My 40 yr old male cousin has 9 kids from different women and I still can see how he still manages to get laid....

Deborrah
Deborrah moderator

Women do not corral in a husband. Even when a woman is married, there are many reasons a man will cheat, or leave on his own accord. Sometimes there is abuse, drugs or other addictions, babies out of wedlock with other women, down low issues, and repeated adultery that drive a couple apart. There was no plan to raise the child or children alone, but shit happens, ya know?

 

It's nice that the females in your family have men that are (at the time of writing) still with their wives. But you could wake up tomorrow and that be a different story. That is how relationships go - no one has control over what another person does.

 

Now someone that intentionally goes into a situation with someone that they aren't really with and who shows no signs of being an interested father... well, I don't know what to say about that choice. To me that is what abortion clinics are for, but some women really don't want to have an abortion and would rather struggle along for 20 years trying to support and raise a child they cannot afford.

graniteball
graniteball

Sadly, not all "baby daddy's" do what they are suppose to. I date a single mother, I can't stand how the child's father can't handle his own business. He can't go a day with his child without bothering the mother. She had to get an OOP and now he goes the route of the grandmother and best friend. He doesn't want to give up more custody bc he doesn't want to pay child support.

Checklists are nice, but they don't always work out in the dating world. As much as a 20 or 30yr old man would love to find a stable, single woman without a child, it isn't always an option. It "seems" that a lot of good, stable attractive, date-able woman have actually been in long-term relationships and have had children in those relationships. I have met many attractive, single woman  that just aren't date-able. They "seem" to have a screw loose. Which might explain why they have been able to stay single and attractive so often and so long.

Please note: I put "seem" in quotes because it's just my opinion. I am talking ab the majority. Not the special case scenario. I have heard that the Blue Whale is not extinct and some Irish are actually sober.

Deborrah
Deborrah moderator

That is one of the chief reasons for this article really, to explain to women how the situation is perceived from the other side. Some guys are just very fearful of the unknown, and if a woman knows WHY, she may be able to allay his fears and have a very nice relationship. But you can't do anything to help him see the light if you don't know what it is he is hesitant about.

 

Not only that, women have to be very careful when they have young children because there are a lot of crazies out here that are child molesters. They intentionally seek out women with children in their target age group. Even if you have sons, that is no protection because just as many little boys are raped as little girls these days.

Mitch1986
Mitch1986

@Theo3773 

You hid the nail on the head. I have tried to be contrary to the cliche that all men are dogs and are no good. With every relationship, I try to treat women like true Queens and that they are special, desired, cared for, cherished, wanted, loved, adored and admired. I am extremely well-mannered and well-groomed to them and always a gentleman, but many women see this as "too nice" or "too weak." Trust me, as a US Marine Staff Non Commissioned Officer, weak is not in my vocabulary. I have never and never will drink, smoke, deal in or use illicit drugs, use or abuse women. I have never been and have no desire to be a thug, gang banger, criminal, nor speak with vainglory street language. I speak with, carry myself and dress as someone with character, class, and maturity, never wear over-sized clothes and pants beneath my buttocks. I don't party or hang in clubs, plus I am a man of the Lord, but still I am not perfect. I have never been married and have no children. The Lord has blessed me financially with many benefits, but none of this brings about appreciation by a woman. They all adore the abusive, good for nothing, "bad boys" who have no education, and for the ones who did manage to graduate high school, have done nothing since. I witnessed many quality women who allow such males into their lives only to become abused, neglected, depreciated, impregnated and abandoned, but they continue to remain loyal to such males and even end up having additional children by them only to have the process continue, then all of a sudden, ALL MEN ARE LABELED AS "NO GOOD DOGS." I convey to these women, "NO MA'AM.., ALL MEN YOU ALLOWED AND ALLOW IN YOUR LIFE ARE DOGS." You have no one to blame for your lowing your self-esteem and standards for such males, but yourself. Women cheat on the same caliber as men who cheat. I have tried so much to find a decent woman within my age range, but have been unsuccessful; this is why I now date women younger than I am and do not mind dating a woman with a child, but no more than two children; however, even such single parents are often challenging to deal with because many act like they have something to bring to the table and have the nerve to make demands and be nasty about it, so I do not bother with them. I have tried so arduously to remain a decent and good man, but am seriously thinking about treating women the way these "bad boys" treat them, but right now, I can not find it within my character to do as such, so I rather remain single. 

Jacqueline_Homan
Jacqueline_Homan

"And the women are always into their kids or fighting with the ex or emotionally suffering...I don't need this...Oh yeah, I'm half Black...LOL"Half Black, half White, half sky blue pink — it doesn't matter. For all your blathering on about single mothers and "women who "give their bodies to bad men", you forgot to check your UNEARNED MALE PRIVILEGE before running your mouth like a self-serving idiot that ought to be arrested for possession of brains with intent to use. Here's a clue, Sherlock: Women don't "get pregnant"; women are impregnated by MEN.

 

Unless you're a 40 year-old virgin (which I doubt), you have parted many a woman's thighs in your day — without ANY concern for what YOUR orgasm might have cost her.

 

And you probably didn't even make sure she enjoyed the sex as much as you by at least going down on her first so she could get an orgasm out of the deal for all the risks and trouble for her in putting out for you to satisfy YOUR "needs", am I right? (You know I am!)

 

You had no concern whether or not any of your bed victims even survived pregnancy and childbirth without permanently disabling injury or death in a country with Third World maternal mortality rates, a country where POOR women have not had access to birth control and abortion and have even less access now while men get a free license to tom-cat around with no reprisals. You see women as nothing but disposable sperm receptacles and incubators with a limited shelf-life that owe you free sexual and childbearing service; something for males to use, control, and then discard once we lose our value as ornaments.

 

You don't want a "good woman" or a "wife"; you want a bipedal house pet to gestate your genetic material without having to give anything in return.

 

You act as if your genetics are superior to everyone else's when you're not that special and when there are plenty of children in this world without hope and without family that you could adopt. NEWSFLASH: Women are NOT reproductive chattel so get over yourself!You degrade women whom you feel superior to since you're a legend in your own shallow, self-centered, narrow mind.

 

I don't care how much money you've got, or how many letters of the alphabet you've got racked up behind your name.

 

You may not know who you are, but I know WHAT you are: a 100%  self-entitled, spoiled, narcissistic ASSHOLE that doesn't deserve to get laid even if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.  I don't like ANY man that disses women of ANY race when we get enough hate dumped on us —  just for our ability to give birth. Oh yeah, for the record I'm 100% White.

Raz
Raz

Theo3773: "I am a successful single male, 2 masters degrees, and trying to start a 3rd degree program. I gots money, although tight in this economy, and I can take care of myself."

Get a job you 'edumucated fool'. How many degrees do you need in order to be a success and have a job. What are all these so called degrees in? Must be the degree of knuckleheadedness lololol.

Raz
Raz

Theo3773: "So…. I date women abroad and I’m about to marry one. Oh yeah, I’m half Black….LOL"

Yo butt ain't bout to marry nobody. If you were you would be too caught up in your forthcoming nuptials instead of whining about women who dogged you out. You would be all over that and basking in the happiness of a man in love and about to marry the woman who thinks he's the shit! If you were alladat like you claim you are, you would have had the heat and been in the 'select' pool to actually pull the women you wanted instead of now whining about the women who dogged you out; but you don't, so stop fooling yourself. That's the real reason trifling knuckleheads like you date out, because the woman you want don't want you and I can see why with your lousy funky attitude. You relegated yourself to dating baby mamas that dogged you out and that tells more about the type of male 'YOU' are' than it does about anyone else.

And this half black mess, you's a nigga all the way. Don't no white person look at you saying, "Oh he's only half black." so get over yourself because in America, most black folks got masta genes in them somewhere along the family tree. You ain't nothing special just because yours might be first generation as opposed to someone who has 2nd or 3rd generation Masta genes. At any rate your 'so called Masta genes didn't get you the woman of your choice did it, so stop touting it like it's special. You are probably butt ugly, looking like the inside of somebody's ass, and couldn't pull a hot looking educated, financially secure, successful independent black woman if you tried. So you best gone over there and get you trailer trash Becky, or 'Wanna get her green card, Ming liu' or whatever other foreign broad will want you and think your corny ass is the bomb. Black women could give less than a damn. You will be one less 'racial mutt' in the dating pool for black women to have to contend with.

Deborrah
Deborrah

She might, but I have a few things to say to you first.

#1 is just because you are a perpetual student that doesn't make you a "good man." Being able to take care of yourself and having money is what a grown ass man SHOULD do. So you don't get any Brownie Points for being an average Joe.

#2 if you have picked women that dogged you out, that was your fault. You picked them! All the single, educated, accomplished, beautiful women that you could have gone out with and dated, you chose someone else without those qualifications. It is good to avoid people that you know don't meet your standards, whatever they are. Do both of you a favor and don't waste folks time.

#3 all men are bad men. None of you is perfect, and every single one of you has a fucked up attitude about something... some way you treat or talk to women, or your sexist views, or your sense of superiority or entitlement, or your lack of communication or your inability to share feelings or anything else. All of you have major faults when it comes to women and relationships. Don't give yourself undue credit homey.

#4 and even if some woman finds you to be damn near perfect FOR HER, for the rest of the women in the world you are not good at all.

See how that works?

You are giving yourself all kinds of kudos and holding out foreign women as being superior to American women. In reality all they are is dumb. They don't know any better and accept you for what you present yourself to be. They don't know to look behind the mask of your education and ego. They are just happy to be out of a hut and in a house with running water and a flushing toilet! But if that makes you feel good and important to have such a woman need you, then so be it.

But I have to ask, if you were so happy with your woman and about to get married, why dredge up the past? What happened in the past should not really concern you anymore and should not be anything you would bother commenting about. A man about to be married should be focused on his bright and happy future, not digging into the dark pain of the past. The fact that you had so much to say about the past women that it didn't work out with shows that is where your head still is... THE PAST. Tsk tsk.

Raz
Raz

cee: "It was tough and my marriage did not last long."

cee you wouldn't have lasted long in a marriage with a woman who wasn't a single mother either. You sound like a selfish man who goes into a marriage for what you can get out of it rather than what you can give. I'm sure had the shoe been on the other foot and a woman married your butt and you had kids who actually resided with you, you would have expected her to jump right into the role of being step mother which included being the primary day to day care giver of "your kids" no questions asked. You would have expected her to do all the tasks involved in parenting which included much more than 'baby sitting' while your butt went to hang out with the boys. You knew going in that this woman had kids, but like most selfish men, you wanted to be catered to and thought that anything you did was considered over and beyond. What a whiny jerk! Fortunately there are some men out there who don't think like you do and they love the mother and the kids and they are surrogate father to those kids. You sound like some whiny he-bitch mad because the woman you married wasn't sitting around looking in your face when she had free time and wanted to 'get away' and enjoy herself with 'her friends'. If your butt wanted to hang out with your friends, you could have done that. Instead you 'chose not to'. You men want to be leaders in your household, but fold like a bad poker hand at the first sign of 'work'. With that fonky childish lazy selfish attitude you had, you did her a favor by getting the hell on outta her life. Seems to me you married her to be 'treated' like one of her kids wanting her attention when you wanted it and mad when you didn't get it and not wanting her to have time to herself, instead of like a supporting partner, husband and father.

Deborrah Cooper
Deborrah Cooper

What does that mean? Are you assuming that quantity is quality? How do you know that these are decent men? Are these men that want to marry these single Moms and assume responsibility for the caretaking and parenting of those children? Or are they just there for a hot meal since she cooks, a free place to hang out since they know she can't afford to get a babysitter all the time, and a Section 8 place to stay? Or are they there because they are child molesters and wanna get at her babies? All that glitters ain't gold, girlfriend. Many of the pimp types of dudes see the single baby momma types as easy prey.

sweethrt1015
sweethrt1015

@xyengineer 

I just have to say that it was awesome to read your post.  I work really, really hard and it really made me feel fabulous that you appreciate those qualities in your relationship.

I have 3 chiildren, but 2 are older and self-sufficient.  I still have a 14 year old at home, and he's great.  Last year, though, my sister passed away, and I inherited her 8 year old little boy who has Cerebral Palsy.  He's a great kid!  But he's still in diapers and he doesn't talk.  Raising him has changed our lives, but we feel the value from doing it, knowing that we've made such a huge difference in his life not being institutionalized.  

I was a Single Parent scholarship recipient, and graduated with my bachelor's last year.  I tell men on the first date about my new kid.  It's always sparked conversation, ( :  but I've never had anyone not want to date me because of my nephew.  

I guess my main problem is, being that I'm 43, I think I'm carrying baggage with me.  I'm extremely cautious about believing that people are who they seem to be.  I would be an idiot not to be; I've been deceived so many times.  Even though i think I'm smart, though, if a person persists long enough, then I start to break down and believe that they're genuine, when they may not be.  I have had problems with being defensive and flipping out on men I've dated, when I believed it was warranted.  I don't know how to allow myself to become emotionally vested without ending up very hurt.  And yes....please go easy on me I know I have issues.  

Raz
Raz

Wow! Great post xyengineer! You made some great points.

Raz
Raz

Harry: "Who wants to help raise another man’s child? Not I.

Do you expect another woman to raise a child of yours if you should lose the mother through breakup (if you are a baby daddy) death/divorce and find yourself a single father?

Mickey
Mickey

We are pigs? Single moms are idiots because they screwed up their lives, and are now screwing up their kids' lives by bringing a stranger into the mix.

Stop thinking about yourself and take care of your kid. You had them, not us.

Raz
Raz

GBM: "Ain’t no man gonna date a women with a kid when he don’t have to. There are so many single women I wouldn’t date Halle Berry, a single mom, if she offered to pick me up in her limo."

Jika plueeze (rolls eyes) If Halle Berry rolled up on yo azz in a limo, you'd break you neck falling off up in there with her. lol. Baby mama or not. Just remember, this works both ways too. Single women don't find baby daddies all that attractive either especially when they have baby mama drama lurking in the background.

Darltk
Darltk

 @Razzy I am wondering if more than one is too much since my children are grown.

Darltk
Darltk

 @Razzy Thanks Razzy. I have been really trying to think of the positives and negatives. Seeing that my kids are 26 and 28, I am starting to think differently. She can hardly ever go anyway. I guess that is something that should also be considered. Finances such as college also have to be taken into consideration. I will have to think deeply about this.

Mitch1986
Mitch1986

@Deborrah 

You need to apply everything you spoke of to women as well because they are just as deceptive, unappreciative, in decent, users, etc. as the men they label. Women are dogs too.

cee
cee

Um no. I did most of the work in every area of life. My point was that I did most of the work, got little of any real partnership, and got really taken advantage of. Read more carefully next time.

sweethrt1015
sweethrt1015

@Mickey 

Sir I think you need to shut it.  I personally hate categorical statements such as you have made.  I have certainly made a shitload of mistakes, but I learned from them all, and I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't taken that path.  I'm a single mom, and my kids had to go through some stuff, and some of it was my fault. They're great, responsible and smart, even though I have not much inclination to tell you that.  What we've learned, is to be resilient, how to pick yourself up and make today better than yesterday, your future better than your past.  Because we've all been through sad, hard times, I know that it makes us understand empathy and emotional maturity, which you, sir, could learn something about.  

Deborrah Cooper
Deborrah Cooper

What she specifically said Mickey is men that "go after single Moms" which means to victimize either them or their children. Your defensive and angry response was not indicated.

As I said, there are some real pigs out here that intentionally seek out lonely single mothers with young children because these guys are sexual deviants and are looking for a woman with children to molest. Though stranger molestation does happen, in the vast majority of the cases the molester is someone that the child and parent(s) (yes, Dads in the home it still happens) know and trust. Pastors, ministers, teachers, scout leaders, neighbors, family friends, uncles, grandfathers, step fathers, mom's boyfriends, older brothers and yes even birth fathers. No man is above suspicion in my book.

Raz
Raz

Sounds to me like one more dude who married the woman who turned him on sexually and that's all the requirements it took for him. He didn't take time to get to know much about her beyond what she did in bed. People need to slow their roll and get to know each other more. Most folks don't even do the things they need to do to interact with each other in a way that sheds light on the inner person. They usually meet have sex, eat dinner, go to a movie and that's it. Do they really talk? Then they get married and get surprised.

cee
cee

I think you touched on a lot of the reasons it didn't work out. Interestingly the kids probably had more to do with us staying together longer than we would have had otherwise. I really cared about them. But yeah we didn't communicate well, had different personality styles- we married too quickly I think.

Raz
Raz

Perhaps you should 'choose' more carefully next time as you guys like to tell women who end up with a man who totally flips the script on them. Why couldn't you and this woman have a conversation and work this out? What happened to communication/cooperation/compromise? Why did your marriage have to end over something that seems you guys could have worked out if the two people involved were mature enough to work through these difficulties? How long did you stay married to her? How old were the kids?

Deborrah
Deborrah

Maybe the ones YOU date don't cook, but millions of women do. Why not elevate the level of women you spend time with and interact with instead of lamenting and whining about the few that don't cook?

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