Why Men Hate Dating Single Mothers

| 03/13/2011 | Comments (70)

With divorce rates in the U.S. hovering at the 50% mark, and more children than ever being raised by one parent, the possibility that a man will run across a single Mom are very high. But many men are hesitant to date a woman with children, and have a long list of reasons they feel such a relationship is more trouble than it’s worth. Recognizing their fears though, single Moms can approach the dating arena armed with knowledge and ready to deal with a man’s fears about a ready made family head on.

Here are the top 10 reasons men shy away from serious involvements with single mothers:

(1)   You Just Can’t Get Away. You are tied down and can’t just scamper off for spur-of-the-moment romantic dinners, spontaneous plays or concerts, or midnight breakfasts. Spur-of-the-moment overnight get-aways are out of the question. You have to get a babysitter. You have to make plans in advance.  And if you can’t find a sitter, or your budget won’t allow you to hire one, his desire for a romantic evening or weekend with you goes up in a puff of disappointed smoke. 

(2)   You Have Children by Numerous Guys. Most guys accept the fact that our society has changed and that divorce, long-term cohabitation, and just plain carelessness means that there are many women with children in the dating pool. Dealing with one guy about his child or children is usually not much of a problem. However, the chances of “baby daddy drama” increase substantially the more personalities there are involved in the new relationship. Men may stick around for awhile for the convenience such a relationship offers, but few are looking to “wife up” a woman that has that much baggage.

(3)   Your Children Are Too Old.  Tim is a 33 year old computer technician in San Jose. He won’t date a woman that has children over the age of 8. Tim drew the line after he got hit with that “I don’t have to listen to you ’cause you ain’t my daddy anyway” line one time too many. He acknowledges that many women make the mistake of telling their young sons that they are “the man of the house,” something the young boy may take great pride in. The son will thus challenge any contender to the throne and his power in the household. So for Tim, unless the children are relatively young, he doesn’t want to be bothered.

(4)   Your Children Are Too Young. At the other end of the spectrum are men that are run off by a child that is TOO young, like nursery or preschool age.  Small children are very Mommy-oriented and require a lot of assistance with everything from bathing to eating. They also require constant watchful attention for their own protection and safety. A man that feels he comes in a distant second to your children may not be so thrilled with the situation and choose instead to date a woman that has more time and energy to expend on him.

(5)   “Are You My New Daddy?” Smart men know that little children get easily attached to people they have fun with.  But guys don’t want to deal with that emotional quagmire. Should he decide that you two aren’t quite right for each other, he is afraid of breaking your innocent child’s heart. Many men therefore shy away from heavy involvements with single mothers, and put up roadblocks or shy away from meeting or spending any time with a single Moms children.

(6)   He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter. Realistically,after a breakup or divorce, children are usually pretty negative about some new person coming into Mommy or Daddy’s life. It ruins their fantasy of the parents getting back together. They may even feel that this new guy is “taking you away” and lash out, behaving in a manner so rude and horrible that you are embarrassed to be his or her mother! Your new beau is not so attached to you yet that he wants to put the energy into developing a relationship with any child who sees him as the enemy.

 

(continued on page 2 below)

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. amb says:

    I am single mom. I reject so many guys who want to date me. mostly they are singl dad too.

  2. Theo3773 says:

    I am a successful single male, 2 masters degrees, and trying to start a 3rd degree program. I gots money, although tight in this economy, and I can take care of myself.

    When dating single mothers in this country, I always get the rough end of the stick. Basically, they want a babysitter for their kids since the kids already have a father. And the women are always into their kids or fighting with the ex or emotionally suffering when the kids are with the ex. I was like, I don’t need this. I don’t think most of them are ready for a really mature relationship with good sex and marriage. So I avoid them. Some are cute yes, and they need a second chance yes I agree. But what I find in America is that the women give their bodies over to bad men, and then want a good man to raise their kids while giving him neither decent sex, nor his own children, nor quality time. It really sux to be a good man here. So…. I date women abroad and I’m about to marry one. I’m sure Raz is gonna go all crazy on me but I don’t care. Oh yeah, I’m half Black….LOL.

    • Deborrah says:

      She might, but I have a few things to say to you first.

      #1 is just because you are a perpetual student that doesn’t make you a “good man.” Being able to take care of yourself and having money is what a grown ass man SHOULD do. So you don’t get any Brownie Points for being an average Joe.

      #2 if you have picked women that dogged you out, that was your fault. You picked them! All the single, educated, accomplished, beautiful women that you could have gone out with and dated, you chose someone else without those qualifications. It is good to avoid people that you know don’t meet your standards, whatever they are. Do both of you a favor and don’t waste folks time.

      #3 all men are bad men. None of you is perfect, and every single one of you has a fucked up attitude about something… some way you treat or talk to women, or your sexist views, or your sense of superiority or entitlement, or your lack of communication or your inability to share feelings or anything else. All of you have major faults when it comes to women and relationships. Don’t give yourself undue credit homey.

      #4 and even if some woman finds you to be damn near perfect FOR HER, for the rest of the women in the world you are not good at all.

      See how that works?

      You are giving yourself all kinds of kudos and holding out foreign women as being superior to American women. In reality all they are is dumb. They don’t know any better and accept you for what you present yourself to be. They don’t know to look behind the mask of your education and ego. They are just happy to be out of a hut and in a house with running water and a flushing toilet! But if that makes you feel good and important to have such a woman need you, then so be it.

      But I have to ask, if you were so happy with your woman and about to get married, why dredge up the past? What happened in the past should not really concern you anymore and should not be anything you would bother commenting about. A man about to be married should be focused on his bright and happy future, not digging into the dark pain of the past. The fact that you had so much to say about the past women that it didn’t work out with shows that is where your head still is… THE PAST. Tsk tsk.

    • Raz says:

      Theo3773: “So…. I date women abroad and I’m about to marry one. Oh yeah, I’m half Black….LOL”

      Yo butt ain’t bout to marry nobody. If you were you would be too caught up in your forthcoming nuptials instead of whining about women who dogged you out. You would be all over that and basking in the happiness of a man in love and about to marry the woman who thinks he’s the shit! If you were alladat like you claim you are, you would have had the heat and been in the ‘select’ pool to actually pull the women you wanted instead of now whining about the women who dogged you out; but you don’t, so stop fooling yourself. That’s the real reason trifling knuckleheads like you date out, because the woman you want don’t want you and I can see why with your lousy funky attitude. You relegated yourself to dating baby mamas that dogged you out and that tells more about the type of male ‘YOU’ are’ than it does about anyone else.

      And this half black mess, you’s a nigga all the way. Don’t no white person look at you saying, “Oh he’s only half black.” so get over yourself because in America, most black folks got masta genes in them somewhere along the family tree. You ain’t nothing special just because yours might be first generation as opposed to someone who has 2nd or 3rd generation Masta genes. At any rate your ‘so called Masta genes didn’t get you the woman of your choice did it, so stop touting it like it’s special. You are probably butt ugly, looking like the inside of somebody’s ass, and couldn’t pull a hot looking educated, financially secure, successful independent black woman if you tried. So you best gone over there and get you trailer trash Becky, or ‘Wanna get her green card, Ming liu’ or whatever other foreign broad will want you and think your corny ass is the bomb. Black women could give less than a damn. You will be one less ‘racial mutt’ in the dating pool for black women to have to contend with.

    • Raz says:

      Theo3773: “I am a successful single male, 2 masters degrees, and trying to start a 3rd degree program. I gots money, although tight in this economy, and I can take care of myself.”

      Get a job you ‘edumucated fool’. How many degrees do you need in order to be a success and have a job. What are all these so called degrees in? Must be the degree of knuckleheadedness lololol.

    • Jacqueline_Homan says:

      “And the women are always into their kids or fighting with the ex or emotionally suffering…I don’t need this…Oh yeah, I’m half Black…LOL”Half Black, half White, half sky blue pink — it doesn’t matter. For all your blathering on about single mothers and “women who “give their bodies to bad men”, you forgot to check your UNEARNED MALE PRIVILEGE before running your mouth like a self-serving idiot that ought to be arrested for possession of brains with intent to use. Here’s a clue, Sherlock: Women don’t “get pregnant”; women are impregnated by MEN.
       
      Unless you’re a 40 year-old virgin (which I doubt), you have parted many a woman’s thighs in your day — without ANY concern for what YOUR orgasm might have cost her.
       
      And you probably didn’t even make sure she enjoyed the sex as much as you by at least going down on her first so she could get an orgasm out of the deal for all the risks and trouble for her in putting out for you to satisfy YOUR “needs”, am I right? (You know I am!)
       
      You had no concern whether or not any of your bed victims even survived pregnancy and childbirth without permanently disabling injury or death in a country with Third World maternal mortality rates, a country where POOR women have not had access to birth control and abortion and have even less access now while men get a free license to tom-cat around with no reprisals. You see women as nothing but disposable sperm receptacles and incubators with a limited shelf-life that owe you free sexual and childbearing service; something for males to use, control, and then discard once we lose our value as ornaments.
       
      You don’t want a “good woman” or a “wife”; you want a bipedal house pet to gestate your genetic material without having to give anything in return.
       
      You act as if your genetics are superior to everyone else’s when you’re not that special and when there are plenty of children in this world without hope and without family that you could adopt. NEWSFLASH: Women are NOT reproductive chattel so get over yourself!You degrade women whom you feel superior to since you’re a legend in your own shallow, self-centered, narrow mind.
       
      I don’t care how much money you’ve got, or how many letters of the alphabet you’ve got racked up behind your name.
       
      You may not know who you are, but I know WHAT you are: a 100%  self-entitled, spoiled, narcissistic ASSHOLE that doesn’t deserve to get laid even if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.  I don’t like ANY man that disses women of ANY race when we get enough hate dumped on us —  just for our ability to give birth. Oh yeah, for the record I’m 100% White.

  3. cee says:

    Well I dated and married a single mother. Here are my points:
    -I had no experience with kids going in. The role of step-dad is murky as it is and it was tough. Id be constantly accused by mom of being too friendly and not being enough of a “parent”. While at the same time not having a lot of respect from kids.
    -The woman had lots of pre-conceived and not too positive notions about men based on her first hubby. Lot of baggage from this dude.
    -I frankly ended up being baby-sitter a lot. If she had night away from kids she would spend those times with her friends, whereas I got family nights. Which usually meant her napping or watching TV while I played with kids.
    -It was expensive. In time and money.
    -I often got slapped with double standard. I had to not only become the 50’s style provider to a family, but I had to respect the “modern independent woman” too. So if she needed a car, id get one angle, but if she wanted to go out with friends or there was housework to do, id get another.

    It was tough and my marriage did not last long.

    • Raz says:

      cee: “It was tough and my marriage did not last long.”

      cee you wouldn’t have lasted long in a marriage with a woman who wasn’t a single mother either. You sound like a selfish man who goes into a marriage for what you can get out of it rather than what you can give. I’m sure had the shoe been on the other foot and a woman married your butt and you had kids who actually resided with you, you would have expected her to jump right into the role of being step mother which included being the primary day to day care giver of “your kids” no questions asked. You would have expected her to do all the tasks involved in parenting which included much more than ‘baby sitting’ while your butt went to hang out with the boys. You knew going in that this woman had kids, but like most selfish men, you wanted to be catered to and thought that anything you did was considered over and beyond. What a whiny jerk! Fortunately there are some men out there who don’t think like you do and they love the mother and the kids and they are surrogate father to those kids. You sound like some whiny he-bitch mad because the woman you married wasn’t sitting around looking in your face when she had free time and wanted to ‘get away’ and enjoy herself with ‘her friends’. If your butt wanted to hang out with your friends, you could have done that. Instead you ‘chose not to’. You men want to be leaders in your household, but fold like a bad poker hand at the first sign of ‘work’. With that fonky childish lazy selfish attitude you had, you did her a favor by getting the hell on outta her life. Seems to me you married her to be ‘treated’ like one of her kids wanting her attention when you wanted it and mad when you didn’t get it and not wanting her to have time to herself, instead of like a supporting partner, husband and father.

      • cee says:

        Um no. I did most of the work in every area of life. My point was that I did most of the work, got little of any real partnership, and got really taken advantage of. Read more carefully next time.

        • Raz says:

          Perhaps you should ‘choose’ more carefully next time as you guys like to tell women who end up with a man who totally flips the script on them. Why couldn’t you and this woman have a conversation and work this out? What happened to communication/cooperation/compromise? Why did your marriage have to end over something that seems you guys could have worked out if the two people involved were mature enough to work through these difficulties? How long did you stay married to her? How old were the kids?

          • cee says:

            I think you touched on a lot of the reasons it didn’t work out. Interestingly the kids probably had more to do with us staying together longer than we would have had otherwise. I really cared about them. But yeah we didn’t communicate well, had different personality styles- we married too quickly I think.

          • Raz says:

            Sounds to me like one more dude who married the woman who turned him on sexually and that’s all the requirements it took for him. He didn’t take time to get to know much about her beyond what she did in bed. People need to slow their roll and get to know each other more. Most folks don’t even do the things they need to do to interact with each other in a way that sheds light on the inner person. They usually meet have sex, eat dinner, go to a movie and that’s it. Do they really talk? Then they get married and get surprised.

  4. dave says:

    Its nice to listen to single moms point of view. I dated single moms and the only thing that I do not get about some of you, is that you do not sacrafice time to get to know good men that treat you and your children with respect. So if you see a man that treat you right don’t look for some imperfection or formulate something bad about that person.

  5. justchecking says:

    Just wanted to see how young was considered too young for dating a baby’s mom. My ex introduced my son to his new girlfriend when her baby was all of 11 weeks old, I don’t know how old-or if the baby was even born yet- when he started dating her. I don’t want to be mean or bitter but this seems pretty unhealthy to me. I want to warn my son not to get to attached to this woman without interfering in his relationship with his dad/dad’s life. It’s a tricky situation. Nice to get confirmation that younger than preschool aged is pretty much too young- I think it probably is for the most part.

  6. Isabella says:

    Men hate dating single mothers? Are you kidding me? Where I live, it seems single mothers have better luck with men then single women without kids o_O

    • What does that mean? Are you assuming that quantity is quality? How do you know that these are decent men? Are these men that want to marry these single Moms and assume responsibility for the caretaking and parenting of those children? Or are they just there for a hot meal since she cooks, a free place to hang out since they know she can’t afford to get a babysitter all the time, and a Section 8 place to stay? Or are they there because they are child molesters and wanna get at her babies? All that glitters ain’t gold, girlfriend. Many of the pimp types of dudes see the single baby momma types as easy prey.

  7. Jake says:

    I love how some of these sensitive single mommys get so defensive and emotional lol

  8. xyengineer says:

    I am in a relationship with a single mother. It’s hard because she is in college. I think a guy should do it only if the feelings are strongest and sincere. If the intentions are casual, then it is not a good idea. I rarely get to see her, and the focus is on her child and very hard college courses while living on finacial aid. The proximity of the ex with joint custody is also awkward and weird. He literally baby sits when we go out. However, I am older from Generation X and am aware of high divorce rates. I know single parenthood is common. It’s frequent enough that guys in their 20s who disdain single mothers right now may end up getting divorced and re-enter the dating scene as single dads 10-20 years from now. All these guys posting negative comments about single moms need to be aware that single parenthood could easily happen to them. So being older I am more patient and realistic about it. When I was 23 I would not have done it. But now that I am older I see qualities that are great in my friend the single mother: maturity, frugality, a strong work ethic, and a desire to start over. She deserves a 2nd chance, and this holiday season I’ll give it to her.

  9. Harry Fountain says:

    Who wants to help raise another man’s child? Not I.

    • Raz says:

      Harry: “Who wants to help raise another man’s child? Not I.

      Do you expect another woman to raise a child of yours if you should lose the mother through breakup (if you are a baby daddy) death/divorce and find yourself a single father?

  10. Tina says:

    I’m a single mom. This message is for all men. men who go after single moms are pigs.. pls do respect our kind. There are lots of emotional and physical baggage on our backs… dont fool around coz you re not funny

    • Mickey says:

      We are pigs? Single moms are idiots because they screwed up their lives, and are now screwing up their kids’ lives by bringing a stranger into the mix.

      Stop thinking about yourself and take care of your kid. You had them, not us.

      • What she specifically said Mickey is men that “go after single Moms” which means to victimize either them or their children. Your defensive and angry response was not indicated.

        As I said, there are some real pigs out here that intentionally seek out lonely single mothers with young children because these guys are sexual deviants and are looking for a woman with children to molest. Though stranger molestation does happen, in the vast majority of the cases the molester is someone that the child and parent(s) (yes, Dads in the home it still happens) know and trust. Pastors, ministers, teachers, scout leaders, neighbors, family friends, uncles, grandfathers, step fathers, mom’s boyfriends, older brothers and yes even birth fathers. No man is above suspicion in my book.

  11. Good Black Man says:

    You gots to be crazy to date a women with kids.

    I asked a single mother of one whether she would date a man who was a single father. She told me tried to one time and it was too difficult always trying to coordinate their schedules, so she broke it off. No kidding!

    Ain’t no man gonna date a women with a kid when he don’t have to. There are so many single women I wouldn’t date Halle Berry, a single mom, if she offered to pick me up in her limo.

    Another reason you may not have mentioned is that single mothers are always attached to their ex-bf or husbands. You could lose all the time investment with the single mother if she decides to get back together with her ex. And you know what, good for them! Because I don’t think any man can or will love a child like he would love his own child (unless the child was adopted or some other circumstance).

    • Raz says:

      GBM: “Ain’t no man gonna date a women with a kid when he don’t have to. There are so many single women I wouldn’t date Halle Berry, a single mom, if she offered to pick me up in her limo.

      Jika plueeze (rolls eyes) If Halle Berry rolled up on yo azz in a limo, you’d break you neck falling off up in there with her. lol. Baby mama or not. Just remember, this works both ways too. Single women don’t find baby daddies all that attractive either especially when they have baby mama drama lurking in the background.

  12. Vena says:

    A single mother’s NUMBER 1 priority is to her children. Women with children should engage in developing FRIENDSHIP first with a man that preferbly loves and mentors children and who isn’t intimidated on any level by children that are not his own. This being said, the field of available good men should probably be limited to men that have children of their own. Moms and single dads should not even bring a person they are dating around their kids until you have had a serious COMMITTMENT discussion and you know that there is the high probability of a future together. Remember your children are not the ones dating! You are. Therefore, you should put off introducing your children to the person that you are dating for as long as possible. When you do introduce them, do so outside of the home in a neutral environment and continue to do so until the children become comfortable and feel safe with the new person in their lives. Your home should be your children’s sanctuary as well as yours, so keep it drama and intrigue free!

  13. Dear Deb

    You pick interesting topics. Men do shy away from single mothers for serious relationships.

    The sex maybe good for a man to stick “around” for a awhile but then the pressure of taking care of her and her kids catches up.

    No matter what people say, by default you are the kids “step father”. There is a certain amount of responsibility that comes with that.

    Women hate to admit that they need a reliable man when they are single mothers. Their pride won’t allow them to say it.

    • Shell says:

      Taking care of her and her kid? What? I have met more single men in my time that need a mother and a maid, not a girlfriend.

      Mr. Queens, you should realize that there are plenty of single moms out there that are better qualified, more educated, and more financially stable than most men. I personally, possess a bachelor’s degree in a very stable profession. Have a career as well. I don’t need an arrogant single man to take care of me and my child.

  14. star says:

    Honestly. I’m not too keen on dating period. I’m a single mother and I am simply not interested. At all. My life is so much more calmer. Some of these men enjoy fighting so much that they create crisis, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make it work; but they don’t want to let it go. They think I have drama so I exist. I just don’t want to trade in the peace.

    In my experience, men want you to take care of them like children. So many are looking for mothers. One thing that isn’t talked about much is black men and molestation as children, and relationships with these types can be so devastating.

    You have to be so very careful who you allow to come around your family. They want to move in. They want to live off of you. They don’t want to work. They are looking for mothers.

    Signed,

    One child is enough

    • Dave says:

      And thus the reason why a normal man (like me) is stiff single. Women insist on bringing their previous relationships into their new one.

      • Raz says:

        Dave: “And thus the reason why a normal man (like me) is stiff single.”

        Oops, Freudian slip. 🙂 lolol

        • Dave says:

          Yea, I guess I didn’t mean to use that word 🙂 I just think that man or woman bashing is an excuse for one’s own shortcomings. There’s another one for ya. 🙂

  15. Cynthia says:

    Well men need to stop making all these ‘single mama’s that they dont’ want to turn around and date then.

    But at some point a man who really likes the mother will make the relationship work regardless of the children. A man who can’t adjust to a single mom’s status is someone that is simply not meant for her.

    • jackal2012 says:

      My Son has Lot’s of Female friends whom he has known from HS and as other friends.
      Five out of seven are single moms, never been married and not sure who the father is and 2 are pregnant again living off the County. Where is Birth control? My taxes are Paying these girls to have sex…How Ironic……………

      • topaz627 says:

         @jackal2012  I doubt that’s the norm everywhere, even though it might be from where you live. 5 out of 7 in a school of hundreds of people isn’t the set standard. look more at your government  abstinence-only sex education and restrictions on birth control access may be what you should complain about more because that’s the main reason they are stuck in a predicament.

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