Why Men Worry About Your Sexual Past
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My fiance has just about quit wanting to have sex. Before, we were just fine. We had sex pretty often. But all of a sudden, he just doesn’t seem to be interested. He says it isn’t my fault but what else am I to believe? He knew I wasn’t a virgin when we met but that didn’t seem to matter. Now, he is constantly asking me about the first, and only other guy I was with. Every question brings up bad memories, but I try to answer honestly. What should I do?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
You should never have answered this question. Ever. It is not a man’s business what you did with your body and some other guy.
When men ask for these details they are being stupid and displaying their insecurity. When women answer the question and “be honest” they are being stupid too. Men cannot handle hearing or even thinking about what some other man did with your body. Even if you were married before and that was your only lover, they still cannot handle hearing it. A woman “trying to answer honestly” and telling him all the gory details of your past sexual encounters does nothing but make the situation worst!
MEN CANNOT HANDLE HEARING ABOUT WOMEN’S SEX LIVES. Even though they have no scientific way to know how many lover’s you’ve had. Whether it was one or 1,000, he will never know unless you open your big mouth and tell him.
So I suggest that women stop talking to men about their past sexual dalliances. Tell him that you are what you are and if he can’t handle it and accept that then he needs to get out of your life. Give him his ring back if he gave you one and move on to a man that is more mature.
Men have been socialized to judge women by what has gone on between their legs. For many males, that is the #1 most important thing they use to decide if you are a woman they could ever marry (as if being married to them is a prize).
Young guys for some reason want to think that they own you and your body sexually, and that no one else should have ever touched it but them and maybe your doctor. Older more mature guys know differently and appreciate a woman with sexual expertise that satisfies every time, right on time.
But the main thing is that you women need to stop talking to men about what you have done sexually in the past. It is none of their business. STOP TELLING THEM!!!!!! Men are mentally weak, sexually insecure, very jealous and most have low self esteem. All of that combined means they really cannot handle fantasizing that some other guy laid pipe better, or had bigger longer pipe than they do. Male insecurities means that they really cannot handle the idea that they aren’t #1 at every single thing in the world. Better to let him imagine that he is than to tell him any facts about your past that will have him doubting himself even more.
MsHeartBeat
Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."
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Category: Dating Advice
@a guy I agree with a guy and with Almighty. The advise given in this post is pretty stupid. Wiser advise is given in this combox.
Deborrah does not understand men in general. Her views appeal to and are representative of only a segment of misguided men.
What she calls insecurity is actually, especially in emotionally healthy mature men, nothing but the innate and rightful desire for a sincere relationship of mutual trust where the couple is free to trust, love, and find commitment and stability with one another to the uttermost for the rest of their lives, This is true happiness and fulfillment.
Apart from biology, a person’s past matters a lot in as much as it affects the present. If a person with a checkered past sincerely admits to having been wrong and has committed themselves to change then it should not be a problem. Forgive and forget.
But those wild delusions being advocated in this post are ridiculous. They are good if one’s goal is to land one night stands and similarly limited and destructive relationships, but they are a disaster for just about everything else that is real in life.
My advise is if you are a sincere man or woman in the world looking for a real relationship avoid people like her. In fact run away from them as if from the plague before you get really stuck.
Article – Are Black Men Judgmental Haters of Black Women
http://survivingdating.com/are-black-men-judgmental-haters-of-black-women
If it wasn’t for the fact that all women want commitment they wouldn’t give two flying f*cks about being sluts. The common stigma is that men don’t like sluts. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. MEN LOVE SLUTS…just not as wives and girlfriends. They don’t RESPECT sluts. That’s why all the women (specifically sluts) are upset. A man can bed loads of women which is perceived as a challenge therefore he gets respect. Since it’s relatively easy for women to get sex it isn’t perceived as a challenge therefore no respect is granted and some respect is actually lost. Since no man want’s to commit to a woman he doesn’t respect that presents a problem for the sluts because they desire commitment later on. That leaves only two solutions to the problem. Lie about their past or get men to change their views on sluts telling them they’re being “sexist” “chauvinists” and so on and so forth. Truth is you actions have consequences. If they’re not desirable then take another course of action. In other words stop being sluts or STOP F**KING COMPLAINING!
No one is complaining. Merely alerting women to the fact that cavemen with double standards about women’s vaginas still exist and that women should avoid them like the plague. OR women should do whatever sexual things she chooses to in another city state or country then come to a new area and play the vestigal virgin role that makes men feel better about their “wife.” After all, men don’t know anything about how many men you’ve slept with before they came along unless you open your big mouth and tell it, or unless you don’t handle your business and let all your nosey ass friends know your business.
A woman can screw 500 men and her husband would never know. That is what really burns you guys up, you think you have the right to demand a woman tell you the truth about her past. LOL! I tell women to keep their mouths shut, and if he asks to dump him. And if he keeps asking then lie. That will serve him right for asking in the first place. Tell him whatever it is you think he wants to hear.
So for men, stop being sluts yourself so you can have the right to seek a woman with similar sexual experience to your own, or STOP F**KING COMPLAINING!!!
@DirtyVillain What makes you think all women want commitment? That may be true of YOUNG women, but more mature women see no reason to buy the pig just to get a little sausage. Women can bed loads of men if she chooses. There is no difference in how men treat a woman because all men that are sexist treat women like crap anyway! A woman maintaining her virtue in a vain attempt to meet your approval is a woman that is wasting her time. Women should do and be whatever they please. You guys either deal with it, be single, or be gay. Shrug.
@Deborrah The one who are mainly complaining is the sl*ts or sl*t sympathizers who moan that men will deny a promiscuous woman marriage or commitment. If sl*ts never sought commitment then they wouldn’t care about being asked about their past because the ARE NOT looking to settle down with one man.
You are correct in that a woman can bed as many men as she wants, but men also have a right to reject said woman commitment or marriage if he feels that she has a chequered past.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a bit of the past just as long as its not to extreme, I and most of the men in my family were very very lucky to get with women who were virgins who we are still with today and cherished and loved to the highest.
This may be a double standards, but men go through double standards against them so it all evens out.
Thanks for your reply deborrah.
@DirtyVillain
You are an ignorant fool with sexist double standards, males like probably haven’t had p$$y since p$$y had them. No woman in her right mind would want anything to do with a misogynist male like you. You are just mad because you want control of a woman’s P$$Y and you know you don’t have control over who she sleeps with. Your dumb azz ought to be glad to get a look in. Instead of sitting back making judgements on p$$y you aint even getting.
There is something special about a virtuous woman. I don’t know how to explain it. Its real though and men feel it deeply. Nothing can change that. The old judo/christian value system surrounding chastity has deep value that I think we don’t comprehend. I believe there is a loving God who has commanded us for our own good to be chaste (both men and women). Sex should only happen within the holy bonds of marriage.
Rather than tell ourselves that its ok to break God’s laws, maybe we should seek to humble ourselves (especially men) and realize that there is value in saving ourselves for marriage. That way we won’t be tempted to lie about it to our spouses which only breaks the trust and makes marriage even more difficult than it already is.
Cheers!
a guy: “There is something special about a virtuous woman.”
You would never know a woman who a woman slept with unless she told you. So the only thing special is you psyching yourself out on that Christian beliefs. What is virtuous is how two people love and support each other in a relationship, not who they slept with before either of them were involved with the other. By focusing on the past, men undermine the present. Men need to get over questioning a woman on what she’s done with her vjay before they came into the picture. It’s none of their business. They don’t own it, it’s hers. Worry about what you’re going to do to please her now that she’s with you.
In a loving trusting relationship, I think the man will eventually get over it. In situations like this it takes a lot of quality time (years) for some men to develop a sense of security with his woman. He can’t help feeling the way he does though.
Men like this need to either
a) Be chaste and marry a chaste woman
or
b) Screw 100 women or more till he gets over his sensitivity to the issue.
I can’t fault your logic though. You make some good points.
Well, on that point a woman needs not dwell on my sexual past.
I don’t appreciate a woman with prior sexual expertise. I will accept one because life isn’t clean cut like that.
One thing I will be loathe to accept is my woman having more sexual partners than me. Not an option.
Unless she told you how many she had, you would never know. Your statement is exactly why I tell women that they need to keep their damn mouths shut and stop telling men all their business because you all cannot handle the truth when it comes to female sexuality. You want to think you own the pussy or something!
@ Dasugo “I don’t appreciate a woman with prior sexual expertise. I will accept one because life isn’t clean cut like that.
One thing I will be loathe to accept is my woman having more sexual partners than me. Not an option.”
I know what you mean Dasugo. I also don’t appreciate a man with prior sexual expertise either. I will accept one because life isn’t clean cut like that. One thing I will be loathe to accept is my man having more sexual partners than me. Not an option’.
I’m right there with you Dude. My man has got to be sexually inexperienced. He can’t have any expertise on how to make me feel good in bed. I want him to come with no knowledge so he can fumble and learn while he’s with me even if that means he doesn’t know what to do to please me sexually and I’ve got to teach him everything from A to Z. It’s better for me to have unsatisfactory sex with a sexually inexperienced guy than to have great sex with a man who from the start knows how to make me feel good in bed.
Well, if you caught HIV from some other guy then it is his business. The advise given to you in this post is stupid. What you do now shapes your future. What you did in the past shapes the present. Don’t beat yourself up. But be realistic about the situation. Men use promiscuous women for sex only. Your situation is different though. I mean, one guy???? Your boyfriend must be pretty young.
Quiet is kept, a lot of how a man views your self worth has much to do with your past. If a man feels like he’s getting what so many others have had then he doesn’t feel he’s got something special. But brothers won’t admit that since it would totally ruin his chances of having sex with you. I know it’s a double standard but there’s a different dynamic for men and women when it comes to sex, in my opinion.
I addressed this stupidity in male thinking in my article “The Male Attempt to Control Female Sexuality.” Your post merely reflects that selfishness and entitlement that males feel to a woman’s vagina, the ownership and control you think you deserve to have. Well you don’t. It’s her body to do with what she pleases.
This is exactly why I advocate that women lie to men that start asking about how many men a woman as slept with. You deserve to have a woman lie to you as much as possible on this subject, which is something you have no business asking about.
There is no different dynamic at all, other than the one men have been socialized to have – that speaks of your thinking that you are superior to women in every way possible. You have sex with who you want, then you get up and get on and women have the right to do the same.
Ladies hear me on this – your body doesn’t need to be any more special for HIM than he has kept himself for YOU. If he was hoing around, he has no right to expect to get a woman virginal pure as the driven snow and needs to shut the hell up.
Any man who is hung up about my past is not a man who is worthy of my present or my future! Goodbye!
Or possibly you are not worthy of his.