Feminine Energy is Nothing But Bullshit
We have been socialized to accept a very narrow and traditional view of “feminine power.” Men, feeling out of sorts and confused about the changes in society and women’s economic and educational equality, are insisting on a return to “the good old days.” Around the nation, relationship experts are instructing women that seeking “equality” in a relationship is the kiss of death. When men feel inadequate in a relationship with a woman that has her shit together, she is labeled a “ball busting bitch” or “too manly” or “too aggressive” and those labels are used as the excuse for why the marriage or relationship ends.
The Feminine Black Woman
With such large numbers of Black women single and looking for lovers and husbands, talk has turned to how Black women can “fix” the broken men in our communities.
A popular suggestion involves teaching men to get in touch with their feminine side, rebalancing their energies and awakening their inner sensuality. Though I am totally in favor of men getting in touch with emotions other than hunger, horniness and anger, I think it is shameful to even hint that Black women are obligated to assume responsibility for the emotional growth of anyone but themselves and their minor children.
The conflict here is readily apparent.
On one hand you have Black men and women jumping up and down and raving about how Black men are Kings and Black women need to take a back seat to let Black men lead. Black women are being told that they have power in submission and to let men do their thing and to know their place. Black women are being pressured to be more “feminine” in relationships and to let their men make important decisions for everyone, with him having the final say over anything even if she disagrees because she knows his decision is stupid.
So women have been assigned responsibility for men’s emotional growth? These are the same men that are supposed to be so strong, decisive, purposeful and knowledgeable that you turn over the reigns of the household and your family to him? But you are supposed to be teaching him how to be more in touch with his emotions and his sensuality so he can be more human?
Okay. Right.
P
lease tell me how a woman can even BEGIN to respect a man that she has to think for and teach important concepts like sharing, loving, affection, devotion, tenderness and support? Isn’t that what we do for our CHILDREN?
Don’t know about you, but children do NOT sexually excite me. A man that acted like a big baby or that I had to take care of and teach basic interpersonal relationship concepts to would be a huge turnoff. There is nothing he could do to make me feel the heat. Every time I laid eyes on him I’d want to put a bib on his ass.
(continued on page 3 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
Follow Me:
Category: Society and Culture
You say…”I think it’s shameful to even hint that black women are obligated to assume responsibility for the emotional growth of anyone but themselves and their minor children.”
So by implication, it’s an admittedly inherent responsibility for a mother to nurture her young minor sons and daughter’s emotional stability. Then I ask in times where most single family households are run by women, what are young men learning specifically about their emotional awareness?
When observing the population of grown men (raised by single moms) behaving ‘badly’ in relationships, the ends perceivably justify the means: A society of cheaters, unfulfilled ambitions, and broken spirits, lack of self-identity, ect.
My only point is about innerstanding the importance of our unique divine roles and obligations to one another’s spirit being, and how the failing is the responsibility of both men and women. ESPECIALLY, when we begin to peer deep within the self.
I think this conversation potentially creates much needed space for constructive dialog. Primarily, a very clear and concise concept of what self-love means(and how to get there) That would be an ideal foundation.
Your “implication” is way off base. By “implication” if young men are behaving badly in relationships is it because their fathers abandoned them and the mothers of those sons to do it all by themselves.
A woman is going to do the best she can to raise her son, and some will be more successful at it than others. But if a boy has no model of manhood, no man to correct him, no man that shows him how to love his wife, no man around to be tender to him and encourage him to be a man of confidence and achievement – well then that young man flounders and stumbles through life. He has low self esteem because he feels his father didn’t love him enough to stay or even have a relationship with him. He has no identity because he is around women all the time! He has a broken spirit because he longs for the energy in his young life of a man that loves him and will be there to guide him, but no one steps up to the plate.
The mother is there. She is doing her job. The one that is “failing in his responsibilities” are the fathers of young Black men that need to peer deep into themselves and ask why they are pieces of shit and not real fathers modeling real manhood to their sons.
Very insightful Deb. Got to add this one to the keep file.
Blackmentalk: “Then I ask in times where most single family households are run by women, what are young men learning specifically about their emotional awareness? “
Why do black men blame black women for black men’s failures as fathers? At least the black woman IS in the household raising the son without a father, but whose fault is that? Someone has to pick up the slack? Why are you focusing on the black woman who is there day to day doing the best she can with the limited resources she has to work with instead of focusing on the millions of black men skeeting and running, making babies but are not there to raise them? That’s who you need to be calling out.
If these trifling black men stepped up to the plate and became active fathers instead o simple sperm donors, then we wouldn’t have any single mother headed families. Since they like to do what they do to make babies, by having bareback sex, then they need to put as much energy and enthusiasm into doing what they need to do to actively PARENT all those babies they make.
And even if the mother did put the child in the custody of the baby daddy, all he would end up doing is dropping the child off at his mama’s house while he goes off to make more babies, that is if he hasn’t abused the po chile first. Ya’ll black men really need to focus on what these simple black men are NOT doing in the black community instead of always whining, shifting blame and pointing the fingers at what the black woman is or isn’t doing. AS long as ya’ll refuse to look at your failures as a whole, then you won’t ever do better.
This is an excellent article and one I hope women take heed. A woman who has to teach a man how to love her is setting herself up for heartbreak. A man who truly loves his woman wouldn’t want to do anything harmful to her feelings. She is very important to him and he is mindful of that. While I believe relationships take work, there should already be some fundamental basics in place.
A woman who is constantly draining her energy dry by trying to ‘train’ her SO to be in touch with his emotions so that he can be better for her, needs to take a step back and ask herself is this situation really the best thing for her?