Feminine Energy is Nothing But Bullshit

| 02/01/2017 | Comments (5)

Don’t Worry About Being Feminine to Please Men – Focus on Yourselves

Black women are suffering mentally and emotionally due to the incessant blaming and demands being placed on our shoulders by Black men and society as a whole. Why must a woman worry about a man getting in touch with his sacred feminine power?

In my mind women should be focused on getting in touch with their OWN sacred power – feminine, masculine, political, social, financial, and physical. Women are socialized to be kind, nurturing and supportive of OTHER PEOPLE which means they mustn’t focus too much on themselves or they will be deemed selfish, poor mothers, unfeminine.

But look around you at the overweight, sick, exhausted women that live the lives of overgivers! Black women worry too much about men and what men need, want, think and feel all the damn time.  Learn to say “no!” more often. Black women deserve time to focus on themselves… time to do nothing for the children, and especially nothing for a man. Toxic relationships and unconscious sexual encounters result in fibroid tumors, stress-related diseases, a compromised immune system, and premature aging so you look old before your time.

Why do that to yourself?

Stop being so helpful. Black women are too damn HELPFUL to men. That is the chief reason why you are burnt out. Stop giving to men, stop taking care of them like they are big diaper wearing babies! If women stopped with the codependent mucking for men, the men would be forced to do it themselves.

Men are better people all around when they are balanced and give as well and as much as they receive. Why is it wrong for a woman to want her man to know how to do that on his own? Why must a female wheedle and cajole in a manipulative (aka soft and feminine) manner to get what she wants when she can just ask for it like an adult? Why do women not demand that men stretch themselves and learn how to love and care for others just like they did?

Why does society believe it appropriate for the woman to learn about love for herself, then be forced to turn around and have to teach some grown ass man how to love her back? WTF good is such a man? If he is too lazy to expand his mind, spirit and consciousness I personally don’t want him. A man that sapped my energy for the benefit of himself is a spiritual vampire, not a lover. There is no place in my world for such a man; I suggest every woman guard herself from such emotional theft as well.

Do women have to pretend to be or actually be weak, passive and vulnerable (feminine) so that men can feel strong, action-oriented and invincible (masculine)? It certainly appears that way.

To me that is the problem with promoting concepts of feminine and masculine energy. We are just humans and all of us are, in one situation or another, strong or weak, nurturing or neglectful, passive or aggressive, vulnerable or guarded. These traits are not exclusively nor even primarily male or female.

The concept of feminine energy is a social construct designed to put female in a subservient, weakened position to males.

The concept of “feminine energy” is bullshit.


(originally published Apr 19, 2011)

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. Blackmentalk says:

    You say…”I think it’s shameful to even hint that black women are obligated to assume responsibility for the emotional growth of anyone but themselves and their minor children.”

    So by implication, it’s an admittedly inherent responsibility for a mother to nurture her young minor sons and daughter’s emotional stability. Then I ask in times where most single family households are run by women, what are young men learning specifically about their emotional awareness?

    When observing the population of grown men (raised by single moms) behaving ‘badly’ in relationships, the ends perceivably justify the means: A society of cheaters, unfulfilled ambitions, and broken spirits, lack of self-identity, ect.

    My only point is about innerstanding the importance of our unique divine roles and obligations to one another’s spirit being, and how the failing is the responsibility of both men and women. ESPECIALLY, when we begin to peer deep within the self.

    I think this conversation potentially creates much needed space for constructive dialog. Primarily, a very clear and concise concept of what self-love means(and how to get there) That would be an ideal foundation.

    • Deborrah says:

      Your “implication” is way off base. By “implication” if young men are behaving badly in relationships is it because their fathers abandoned them and the mothers of those sons to do it all by themselves.

      A woman is going to do the best she can to raise her son, and some will be more successful at it than others. But if a boy has no model of manhood, no man to correct him, no man that shows him how to love his wife, no man around to be tender to him and encourage him to be a man of confidence and achievement – well then that young man flounders and stumbles through life. He has low self esteem because he feels his father didn’t love him enough to stay or even have a relationship with him. He has no identity because he is around women all the time! He has a broken spirit because he longs for the energy in his young life of a man that loves him and will be there to guide him, but no one steps up to the plate.

      The mother is there. She is doing her job. The one that is “failing in his responsibilities” are the fathers of young Black men that need to peer deep into themselves and ask why they are pieces of shit and not real fathers modeling real manhood to their sons.

  2. Rose Marie says:

    Very insightful Deb. Got to add this one to the keep file.

    • Raz says:

      Blackmentalk: “Then I ask in times where most single family households are run by women, what are young men learning specifically about their emotional awareness? “

      Why do black men blame black women for black men’s failures as fathers? At least the black woman IS in the household raising the son without a father, but whose fault is that? Someone has to pick up the slack? Why are you focusing on the black woman who is there day to day doing the best she can with the limited resources she has to work with instead of focusing on the millions of black men skeeting and running, making babies but are not there to raise them? That’s who you need to be calling out.

      If these trifling black men stepped up to the plate and became active fathers instead o simple sperm donors, then we wouldn’t have any single mother headed families. Since they like to do what they do to make babies, by having bareback sex, then they need to put as much energy and enthusiasm into doing what they need to do to actively PARENT all those babies they make.

      And even if the mother did put the child in the custody of the baby daddy, all he would end up doing is dropping the child off at his mama’s house while he goes off to make more babies, that is if he hasn’t abused the po chile first. Ya’ll black men really need to focus on what these simple black men are NOT doing in the black community instead of always whining, shifting blame and pointing the fingers at what the black woman is or isn’t doing. AS long as ya’ll refuse to look at your failures as a whole, then you won’t ever do better.

  3. Raz says:

    This is an excellent article and one I hope women take heed. A woman who has to teach a man how to love her is setting herself up for heartbreak. A man who truly loves his woman wouldn’t want to do anything harmful to her feelings. She is very important to him and he is mindful of that. While I believe relationships take work, there should already be some fundamental basics in place.
    A woman who is constantly draining her energy dry by trying to ‘train’ her SO to be in touch with his emotions so that he can be better for her, needs to take a step back and ask herself is this situation really the best thing for her?

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