Flying Your ‘Freak’ Flag… Sometimes it Needs to Be at Half Mast

. 08/03/2009 . 3 Comments

In case you forgot, the title of this blog is “Surviving Dating” and on Sunday, August 2, 2009 I survived yet another really bad date.

Sharing the details with my readers will be somewhat therapeutic for me. And perhaps a stupid man somewhere reading this will get a clue and avoid saying the tragically inappropriate things my 56 year old date said to me yesterday.

First of all, I usually date guys younger thThe freak flag is flyingan me, by as much as 15 years.  I enjoy their open minds, low levels of baggage, witty banter, flexibility, creativity and stamina. But who wants to marry someone that thinks playing Madden a coupla nights a week is the perfect entertainment, ya know?

So I decided to expand my options. For the first time ever I would start dating men of other races as well as men 10-15 years OLDER than me.  So a good male friend helped me put together an internet dating profile and the communication began. I was thinking that older meant more mature, more together, more interesting.

I couldn’t even IMAGINE how wrong I was.

A 56 year old Black male that we shall hereafter refer to as “The Captain” saw my profile and sent me an email suggesting that we had a lot in common.  And on paper we did… “You Have 18 Areas of Compatibility” the program software proudly announced.  “Wow, that’s pretty high out of a possible 22” I thought.  Like a lamb being led to slaughter, I responded to him.

The Captain expressed his belief that it is best to meet face to face quickly in these Internet dating situations, otherwise you get involved online and on the phone with someone, but risking it falling apart when you meet and there is no chemistry.  Having the same concern myself, we make arrangements to get together this past weekend.

First error of the night: he told me to meet him at one restaurant bar, but ended up somewhere else.  He calls 20 minutes late to tell me where he was, which is not where he told me to go. I’m already irritated by the time he walks in the door, but decided to just go with the flow and not make a big deal out of it. So he arrives and we sit down at a booth.

And that is when all hell broke loose.

One of the first things he wanted to do was tell me about some of his life adventures.  Now since this guy is quite a bit older than me, I’m thinking he would talk about his years in military service, his world travels, what it was like to be married and divorced, the father of adult children, or some stories about his years as a metropolitan police officer.

Nope.

Instead, he started telling me about the time he met some woman on the street and how beautiful she was.  He helped her move the next day and afterwards, they started kissing, clothes started flying off, and it was on!  He said he was doubly excited that everything was so spontaneous and that she was a dancer who could open her legs “this wide” (as he gestured with his hands and a big ole Kool-Aid smile).  He was so excited and thrilled even years later just to retell the story.

He said a banging knock at the door surprised him. It was her allegedly estranged boyfriend, so they got really quiet and basically hid in the apartment in silence.  When the guy finally left they got busy again, finishing just in time for the guy to begin beating on the door again. She tells The Captain: “hey, you gotta leave out the back way because I need to let him in this time!” So he left and never heard from Dancer Girl again.

That was the story he thought was going to make me hot with passion for him?  Surely, you jest!

Then he asks me to share some of my life adventures.  I told him I wouldn’t know where to begin, there were so many memorable events and people.  He wanted to know details.  Sensing that he meant sexual adventures, I told him my most interesting fun happened with my husband and there would be no reason for me to discuss those things with someone I met 20 minutes ago.  He looked disappointed and said “women never want to share their adventures.”

I’m thinking “sucka, if you already KNEW that fact, why the hell did you waste your breath asking me?

As you keep reading, remember this is my first date with this fool.

Then he asks me what is the longest  time I’ve ever had sex.  Huh?

I did a half smile, very stiffly and uncomfortably (I’m thinking this guy is a fucking weirdo freak and I’m SOOOOOOO out of here soon as I finish my very excellent alcoholic beverage which I really NEED right now). I told him that I am not a clock watcher.  He doesn’t even notice my eye-rolling, and commences to tell me that  his longest session was 4 hours and that he has made women cum in 5 minutes and that sometimes if the woman cums really hard that she has to go to sleep and is no good for awhile and that if a man knows the right spots to hit he can make her cum in just 5 minutes.  I just look at him and say “is that right?”

The torture doesn’t end there!

Then he tells me that his 30+ year old daughter and he are very close.  So close that she has some sort of nudie website where she shows her naked body and crotch and ass.  I was not clear if this is a porn site or not, but I do know that he looks at the site regularly.  He tells me that his daughter has a really great body, with eyebrow lifting for extra emphasis. He tells me that she wants a bigger ass, but he thinks her ass is fine just the way it is.  He says he goes through the motions of criticizing her online nudity when family or friends ask about it, but in reality he thinks it’s fine.

Okay, maybe it’s me, but I’m connecting dots here that I really don’t want to connect.  See, he is talking to me about sex and orgasms, then he brings his naked daughter and her body into the same conversation. Something about that seemed perverse and incestuous to me.

He also discussed how dating is boring and he wished there was a way to just tell women what you want physically and get it without all the social chit chat and the getting to know you phase. Being the very helpful person that I am, I piped up with “you can do that very easily!  There are women in that line of work and they’ll be happy to take your money and give you exactly what you want without expecting so much as a thank you!

(In summary, not only is he a perverted freak, he is also a cheap mofo. He wants free pussy with no commitment and no conversation, and was appalled at the thought that he might have to come out of pocket to pay a professional.)

So here I am at home in awe of my dating experiences.  Hmm, maybe “awe” isn’t the right word…

Whose Karma did I shit on in a past life so that I am being forced to suffer this parade of raving idiots masquerading as intelligent, mature men?

And what is it with this marked and widespread disrespect of women?  Why do so many men think it’s cute to come across in an overly familiar, overtly sexual manner on the phone or on a first date with a woman they barely know?

why do men think explicit conversation and freakiness with a woman is the way to go?

To get answers, I picked up the phone and related this story to some of my guy friends, now all married with children, but with histories of being MAJOR players and gamers. I consult them a lot because they have some of the most interesting insight into the minds of stupid men.  Though horrified at what dude did and said (especially with him being as old as he is), each of these ex-players admitted having done similar things in their past and each felt that there ARE women who find that kind of conversation stimulating.

I asked how they were able to tell the difference between those that were interested, and those that were not. Each said at that stage of their life (late 20s) it didn’t really matter.  They had just one game that they ran on every woman they met, and if it worked great they got some ass; if not they moved on to the next one and tried all over again.  Each claimed when they grew up a little more, they realized that treating women with respect actually got them better quality pussy and eventually, each met a woman they fell in love with and married.  All felt that these women, including their wives, would have passed them by if they’d come with their sexually explicit game.

That made me kinda depressed.

These are young guys, in their late 30s/early 40s.  They realized a decade ago that the immediate and direct sex talk wasn’t a smart move when you wanted a woman of class, that you could bring home to meet the fam, and that had more to offer than some tail.  So why is it that a fella with children the age of my buddies, a guy on the down stroke to 60 is still using that same tired game in 2009? What the hell is wrong with him?

I don’t know what he was looking for and why he thought his freaky conversation was going to get it for him. I mean, at any point in the conversation all he had to do was snap out of his fantasy and look at my expression.  Damn, Stevie Wonder coulda seen that I was not titillated, not excited, not even interested in what he was talking about!  But dude pressed on, oblivious to the fact that I viewed him as nothing more than an aging, sad, obnoxious, uncouth and disgusting creep that will probably die alone.

But don’t worry dear readers! I am not giving up on love because of him.  When I first launched this blog I was on a dating break – hence my first essay “I Need a Break From Dating.” I’m just going to chalk this one up to another interesting experience in my life.  With each date I go on, I learn more about how men think, and more about what I don’t want!

Anyway, without these knuckleheads and the experiences I have with them, there would be no need for this blog!  So, I’m not going to stop looking for my Mr. Right… I’m going to get right back on the saddle and ride out to find him.

Tally Ho!!!

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder


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