I’m Tired of His Refusal to Commit!

. 03/15/2011 . 11 Comments

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’ve been seeing this guy for almost six years we’ve been in and out of our relationship due to both our parts, partly on my attitude, and my attitude of him not wanting to commit.

During one of our breakups he had another child, and he had already two.  I don’t have any children.

Of course I forgave him, yet he still doesn’t want to commit. I love him but I don’t really have any more energy for this. I think he just wants to do what he wants and I’m tired of it!

Signed,
Scatter Brained in California

Dear Scatter-Brained:
I’m sitting here wondering why you forgave him for this egregious, irresponsible and just plain ridiculous behavior? In order for him to get that woman pregnant, it means he had unprotected sex with her. He’s so horny he can’t control himself for the 20 seconds it takes to unwrap a condom and put it on? And you took him back knowing that (1) your relationship with him has been rocky for years; (2) he’s NEVER offered you the commitment you say you want; and (3) he is a three-time baby daddy loser.

These types of letters are frustrating for me and this is going to be the last one I respond to. I’m tried of repeating myself. You girls just don’t seem to want to accept the fact that when a man has been with you for several years and still has no interest in marrying you, it means you are not the one. He isn’t interested in you like that. He does not love you the way you want and deserve to be loved, if he even loves you at all. Because his behavior shows that he does not give a shit about how you feel or what you want either. All he cares about is that you are there to meet his needs – for a place to stay, for sex, for a hot plate, to babysit his children by some other broad(s), as a rebound comfort, as a convenience.

When a man is really into you, he wants to lock you down and get you off the market quickly. When a man’s heart is involved, he wants to make sure in every way that he knows how that your free dating time is spent just with him. He wants you to know how serious he is about you and a future with you that he begins making plans for the two of you to be together – emotionally, psychologically, financially and legally.  Such men also put a firm time-frame around things so that you are very clear about the direction of the relationship.

A man that is serious about you will say things like “baby, I love you so much” and he will take you around his family and friends, his coworkers and his boss, his classmates and his frat brothers because he is proud of you and wants the world to know you are a couple.

A man that is serious about you will say things like “I definitely want to get married. I don’t believe in having children all over the place. I want to be with my children to raise them.  I see us being married in two years, so I’m saving up money now so we can have a down payment for a house.”

A man that is serious about you will tell you things that he is going to do or be or accomplish – and you will see him doing them, being them, accomplishing them. Step by step the serious man moves forward with you and your relationship.  He may move slowly, but he moves forward and you can SEE it… you can FEEL it. Your trust and belief in him is important, and he does everything to prove to you that he means what he says.

But see, you have none of those things with this guy, even after six years.  When are you going to get a clue girl and let this mess go?

Here you are, wasting your youthful good looks and time messing around with some chump that isn’t interested in giving you what you want. Really, I’m wondering why you want it from him anyway! Three kids and not one of them are yours? Can’t you do better than this? Why can’t you elevate your standards and have higher expectations of yourself and the men you love than this?

You must have the confidence to believe that you can get the love, commitment, husband and family you crave. You just need to accept that you aren’t going to get any of those things from this guy. It’s time to move on.

i
3 Votes

MsHeartBeat

Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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