Is Polygyny a Viable Option for Single Black Women Seeking Marriage?
With Black men rejecting both religion and the commitments of marriage, why the interest in and push for polygamous marriages?
Black men across the United States repeatedly state that monogamy is counter to their nature and that through marriage, women attempt to control and limit male sexuality. Other men say that polygamous unions would be a way to resolve the issue of high rate of single black women in the U.S., to ensure that children have fathers around, and to curtail cheating.
Surprisingly, there are growing numbers of African American women that agree with this position, and share their opinion that polygamous marriages should be made legal in the United States.
Is polygyny really a viable option for American black families and single black women, or is it nothing but a new pimp game women and the latest pussy hustle?
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Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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In Fact Polygyny is already here. People just do not refer their multiple relationships as polygyny. They lack the resources and power that these type of relationships bring. People now have relationships but they arent functioning progressive units.Men are egotistic right now and have knowledge and divinity of the black woman and black self.
It is not about the sex at all. It is about the woman deciding to add a partner. It is about love. The fact that if ever one paired up today, their would still be women left over. So the idea thta every woman will find a man will never be so. The woman can control this relationship and make it very useful. It is even vital for some people as economic time grow harder and unity will be necessary for survival.
In conclusion, this would solve the problem for black single women. It would also help bring power into the black community. It would also show advanced love and wisdom. This is a great practice but if you look at it with false eyes it seems wrong. But really its here and must be improved.
Yeah I don’t think polygamy in the black community is the answer. Men don’t want to be married to multiple women at once it’s really all about the sex. Even the men who are financially able to support multiple women, don’t really want to be married to multiple women. Marriage isn’t a requirement for sex. I doubt that any black men would be entering into polygamous marriages even if it were made legal.
I really don’t think that there’s a serious lack of black men who are willing to commit, or marry. What I see is a large number of black women chasing a very small amount of black men, some people say the majority of women want the top 10% of men I think this is definitely true. Women want to try to force the men who every other woman wants to commit. These guys are sleeping with far too many women to want to commit to one. Yes some of these men get married but they’re not going to stay commited. I think
Blackcaesar, I went to Howard for undergrad if dental school is anything like undergrad, you won’t be assured of finding a woman. Black women aren’t checking for dudes in dental school, just because they’re in dental school. I’m pretty sure any woman in dental school who looks halfway decent already has more dudes coming at her than she can handle, besides, a woman in dental school’s focus probably isn’t finding a man. I really think you’re focus should be solely on school, if that’s really what you’re trying to do. I’m sure dental school isn’t easy and you can get seriously sidetracked by women.
Being an intelligent guy who did well in school, didn’t help me at all with women in undergrad. Women would study with me have lunch with me, but that’s about it. I have some great female friends, who I met at Howard most of them are doing very well in their chosen field. None of them were remotely romantically interested in me in college, some are now, but I dress a lot better than I did in college now, and work out. I don’t think just being in dental school will help you find a wife at any school. Or at least at an HBCU.
Yeah your probably right. I still think that it would be better than a lot of other places to meet a like-minded spouse. I attended H.U. for undergrad and I was pretty focused and didn’t have any girlfriends, and of course I graduated in 4 years with a decent g.p.a. I know myself, and if I were to attend dental school I would be the same way. Black folk are hopeless on this subject of forming serious life-long relationships that lead to strong functional family units and thus vibrant communities. So, really, why even waste time thinking about this stuff. I agree with you that the women are all chasing after about 10% of the black men and funny thing is, those top 10% (athletes and entertainer types included) usually make for the worst husbands and fathers. Look at Chad Ochocinco with his 5 baby mommas. There was actually a show on which women competed to be with him. I for the most part consider myself blessed not to have tangled my life up with some woman!! I sincerely doubt that most women out there are worth the effort it would take to get to know them.
@blackcaesar “So, really, why even waste time thinking about this stuff. I agree with you that the women are all chasing after about 10% of the black men and funny thing is, those top 10% (athletes and entertainer types included) usually make for the worst husbands and fathers. Look at Chad Ochocinco with his 5 baby mommas.”
Why are you using TV celebrities as the standard to compare what regular black men and women do? Black women marry every day dude, and they marry all kinds of men from blue collar men to professional men. Just because black women put you on nignore doesn’t mean she is chasing behind a celebrity. That miniscule group does not represent the vast majority of every day black folk and you know it because most black folk aren’t wealthy nor or they celebrities.
The reason black women don’t want you is ‘YOU’ black ceasar. Your fonky hateful attitude and bitterness against black women comes through loudly and clearly in your posts on this blog. Now that I read that you went to Howard U, I have more insight. You went through college and didn’t get any ‘trim’ or any attention from any of the black women you wanted and desired or were attracted to, so now you finished college and are mad because the women you wanted, didn’t want you.
You are the poster child for the video Ms. Cooper put up
Why Black Women Put Professional Black Men on NIGNORE – Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLeD64KKW7M
Part II
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oz_qLj0VB1A
You need to go look at these videos and get a clue and maybe, you will have success. No woman no matter what her race, wants to deal with some dude who has a funky negative attitude towards women.
You made some interesting points in your response to blackCeasar. When I was in undergrad, I was focused on my studies, but the thing men seem to fail to realize is that, just because they want a woman to ‘want them’ doesn’t entitle them to that woman. A woman, just like a man, has to be sexually attracted and turned on by a guy. Men who have no charisma, have nothing going on, who don’t exude whatever it is, that particular woman they ‘desire’ wants, will find themselves in the ‘friend zone’.
Men want fine women, women want fine men especially when they are in their 20’s. Women that age are not looking to settle down into a marriage. They are young and looking to enjoy themselves and have a good time. I don’t know why men seem to think that women are always ready for marriage. Women, just like men go through stages of development and in their 20’s while in college, they are focused on their studies and out to have a good time and that is perfectly OK. After all college is the time to study and get one self set to live life.
Maybe a woman in her late 20’s to mid 30’s might be ready to think of marriage and that’s when men like blackceasar (provided he has his ish together) might make an attractive prospect because then women are looking for husbands who would make potential good fathers and be able to provide for his family.
I know this response is late in coming, but I agree with your response to black Ceasar. A black woman in college should be focused on getting her degree and graduating. A woman in graduate school, should be focused on getting her degree and graduating. Black Ceasar came off with this sense of entitlement that just because he wanted a black woman to focus on him, then she must be ‘dumb’ (his words) for not recognizing that he was available and according to him, a good candidate. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that his funky attitude towards women comes across loudly and clearly and women pick up on that.
Women, (just like men) don’t find desperate, needy, self absorbed men who think that women should be all about them’ attractive. Women want men who ‘turn them on, this includes, physically, emotionally, spirtitually and intellectually. Black Ceasar comes off as simply wanting a woman to fill in a ‘pre-arranged slot he has in life called ‘wife’. A woman doesn’t find that prospect attractive. Instead of him being about ‘what he can do to make a woman happy, his writing shows, that a woman is put on earth solely to ‘make him happy’ and fulfill ‘his need’s. He thinks because he has a college degree and a good GPA and is not a criminal, that automatically makes him a viable candidate.
His attitude is his downfall, and he doesn’t even realize it. He talks of dating women of other races, any woman regardless of her race (unless she is low self esteem and doesn’t know any better and is desperate to marry because society says she must) would discard men who have his attitude.
Wow, I thought the rejection of the institution of marriage was a gender neutral issue, with both Black men and women deciding to opt out of it. Also, if women file for divorce something like 75% of the time, then I think its fair to say that women are the “quitters” when the going gets tough in marriages. Why do you think women are so quick to throw in the towel on marriage Deb? I don’t know these men your corresponding with, but I don’t think that a high number of single Black women is a problematic thing. Most of those women are not sitting around lonely for a date, but have boyfriends and children by them (if one is to believe the often cited statistic that 70% of Black children are born out of wedlock). Polygamous unions are fairly prevalent now in the Black community. There are a lot of men who have multiple women and multiple children by them. The idea of legalizing and thus legitamizing such unions is foolish. It is foolish primarily because Black men on the whole are too poor to afford being a husband to one woman let alone more than one. Marriage, as we commmonly know it in this country, does control and limit male sexuality and female sexuality for that matter. That is a good thing as the last thing society needs is a bunch of people cavalierly and indiscriminately having sex all willy-nilly style as if we live in an “anything goes” kind of world where there are no repercussions. Polygyny is happening more in Black America than any where else, with the exception of some parts of Utah, and it doesn’t seem to be working for us. If it were, then we wouldn’t be “at the bottom of the barrel” of American society in everything.
It’s not that women quit, its that men usually do the cheating and messing up, and the women get sick of it and leave their butts. Men don’t like to be the bad guy so they behave in nasty ways and back women into a corner so that she either accepts his cheating or she divorces him. So then he can say to his friends and family “she divorced me!” instead of focusing on the fact that he set things up so that she has no choice.
As for the polygyny, I agree with you. I don’t see the point. I also agree that even this ghetto bastardized style of polygnous relationships many women are involved in does no one any good. There is no wealth building going on in these unions. The women are not better off with that husband than they would be pooling their resources and working together without him. I don’t get it. I think I will listen to the podcast again, not working on the show… just hearing what people say. Then maybe I will have a different view. But right now I see it as nothing but a waste of time and energy.
On that point of the lack of wealth building going on in polygny, it made me think about something. I’ve applied to 2 predominantly Black dental schools (Howard and Meharry) and I’m single. So, I was thinking to myself, “What an ideal place to find my wife”. It seems as if I would be assured of finding a woman of similar intelligence or at least academic ability as determined by the dental school. Most dental school students are still single, particularly black female ones. She wouldn’t be a felon, as both Howard and Meharry require that you pay for a criminal background check on yourself and that it be submitted. And, she will in the future be making a good income that if pooled together with mine would enable some wealth building. I would think that if I were admitted to dental school this year (it frequently takes people 2 or 3 tries), that it would be a good place to find a wife for the aforementioned reasons. What do you think?
I agree with you about women not checking for brothers just because they’re in dental school. Black women tend to be too dumb to check for brothers who are trying to make something positive out of themselves. But of course they’ll be complaining 10 years down the road about there not being any good black men to marry. I think people get what they deserve in life and black women usually don’t get a good husband and father for their children because they don’t deserve either. Then they wonder why high-achieving black men date and marry any body but them. I attended H.U. for undergrad and have to tell you that your preaching to the choir about the need to be focused on school. I credit not being involved with women to a large extent on my graduating in 4 years with a decent g.p.a. I may be writing this stuff about dental school or some kind of higher education setting being a good place to find a like-minded compatible significant other, but knowing myself, I would probably go through all four years of dental school w/out a girlfriend just like I did undergraduate school. I’m coming to the conclusion that Black people are just hopeless when it comes to having good marriages and functional families, so it’s better not to even waste time pursuing or thinking about either of these things. It’s better just to focus on yourself. I mean with a divorce rate of 70% for blacks who marry blacks, it’s not like black men are missing out on a good thing by not marrying black women. If anything they’re missing out on a lot of drama and child-support payments by a woman who will probably use her children as pawns. Thanks for your comment Real1, I needed that dose of reality. Some times I get on this silly “I should marry a black woman and create a strong black family” kick.
@blackcaesar I have a few questions for you after reading your last post (response to Real1)
Why are you blaming black women for not being interested in you while in undergraduate school?
Why do you feel entitled that just because you want a woman to be interested in you then she MUST be interested?
Why do you then call black women dumb for not being interested in you just because you wanted it?
Why do you think young black women in their early 20’s should be ready to marry and settle down, commit while in undergraduate school?
Why do you think 10 years out of undergraduate school, it’s too late then for a black women to want to marry (she’d be in her 30’s). What time line do you have black women on?
Why do black men think black women are only supposed to be focused on marrying and nothing else, and if she wants to study and enjoy her young years and then think about marriage later in life after she has established herself in her career, then something is wrong with her. (By the way, this is how men usually think when it comes to relationships).
Why can black men be focused on their studies and get a good GPA and that’s ok, but if a woman wants to do the same thing, according to you, she is too dumb’ to recognize that a black man with ‘good potential’ wants her to focus on him instead.
You come off as self absorbed and self centered and you think black women are here on this earth solely to serve ‘your needs and what you want’. I picked up on that in a previous thread with all of your comments about black men paying for dates, and here it is earlier in this article. You black ceasar are a closet misogynist and you don’t even realize it. To you, black women (women in general, since you mentioned dating non black women) are merely ‘tool’s to do as you want.
Any woman would be wise to stay away from you. I see the reason why you’re still single. Based on your attitude that comes across loudly and clearly in your writing, all you have to do is look in the mirror.