You Can’t Be So Strong, You Have to Let a Man Be a Man. You go to your friends upset that the man you are interested in failed you in some important way which required that you step in and get the job done all by yourself. Or, you discuss how you refuse to be a doormat and have established standards for behavior that he must meet in order to be with you. Instead of getting support to ease your hurt or solutions to improve communication, you’re told “If you cater to his needs and let a man be a man, he will like you more and fall in love with you.” Again, the focus for women like this is on securing a man and doing all she can to manipulate him into a commitment. What is the point when you would have to continue bending over backwards and manipulating to keep him around? When would you ever be able to relax and just enjoy the relationship you have if you are on watchdog duty 24/7? And what is it that you would be gaining from the association if he is not being required to give of himself and meet your needs in return for all your giving? Women must abandon the mentality that they have to give more and expect less from men in order to have a “happy relationship.” Men must be held accountable for their treatment of women and their handling of their relationships. Remember, real men do not need a woman’s permission or cooperation to be a man. Women do not define manhood, men do!
What Did You Do to Drive Him Away? You go to your friends in tears that your man has cheated on you. But your friends have a curious reaction: They don’t get angry at HIM, instead they focus on YOU and your possible culpability in the affair. “What did you do to drive him to that other woman? You need to figure that out then do better girl!” This goes hand in hand with the women that believe if their man cheats, it’s somehow the other woman’s fault and not their man’s for sticking his stuff where it doesn’t belong. This sick mentality attempts to make females assume complete and total responsibility for male behavior, treats men like children, and places blame on the victim instead of on the individual that committed the crime. Understand that a woman with a male-dominated mentality will be quick to assume responsibility for “making” a man do or not do something. The other woman is deemed a “home wrecker” or to have “enticed” a man away from his relationship or marriage. In reality he went to the other woman of his own volition as he made the conscious decision to cheat on you. Christian women are the greatest proponents of this type of thinking, so you will find a lot of this in the Black community. Black women have been indoctrinated by the religious guilt of Christianity, which blames females for pretty much everything men do. Black men have historically been only too happy to perpetuate the fraud.
Though there are literally dozens of silly things women tell each other about men, love and relationships, these are the seven which I believe cause the most damage to the female spirit; they are also the most counterproductive when it comes to developing a fully honest and truly intimate romantic partnership with a man.
Adjust your thinking in 2011 so you make smarter choices in love, choices that are in your own best interest and that enrich your life. Love should never hurt or require that you make yourself feel small so that your man can feel that he is more or better than you.
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Tags: cheating, commitment, dating advice for black women, dating tips, how to improve self esteem, low self esteem, relationship advice
Category: Women's Issues
Keep speaking the truth. Brave woman! All women need to finally hear these things. Who cares if someone thinks you are ‘judgemental and condescending”. No more pandering to the fairy tale, or those who still believe in it; speak your truth, and dam those who don’t want to hear it.
Nice to see your views on children born out of the Ancient and out-dated ‘Wedlock’ are about as archaic and old fashioned as the ritual itself…
‘Legitimize his offspring’ …Meaning?
So Im assuming that before churches or christianity, before marriage and weddings every child was born on earth an illegitimate bastard, until the christians came and gave us God saving us all from eternal damnation and bastardization!?
Seriously, I respect you and your time and efforts. Be careful lest your readership find your tone judgmental and condescending.
I’m wondering why you are even commenting on an article written by a woman for women about women. What does this have to do with you? As usual poking your big nose somewhere it doesn’t belong.
@DamienWilson “Legitimize his offspring’…Meaning?
It means that you don’t need to be making babies and having baby mamas spread all over the planet. You need to keep your sperm to yourself until you are ready to be a father and a husband all in one… Got it? Cool.
@Razzy
Like everyone else who doesnt seem to realise there are different people in this world. You my friend are a fool….
Marriage or the general christian public’s idea of of it does not fall within the scope of my belief system as an Agnostic. There are many throughout history who try to force feed their beliefs to others, Hitler and the Taliban to name some.
How are your ideals and attempts to show me the ‘right’ way to live any different from theirs? (Although I suspect you are probably not a genocidal maniac)
It is frankly insulting to my children that you would call them illegitimate because neither their mother who I have been with for 7 years, nor myself believe in marriage.
My parents were married for 30 years, most of which my father spent beating the crap out of my mum and womanizing…. should my brother and I feel lucky or legitimized because we were born into that mess? Should the children he consequently fathered outside ‘marriage’ feel so unlucky and hard done by that they were not born into it?
“Mums in hospital again.”
“I know its terrible, but it could be worse- At least we are not bastard kids!”
“Yay!!!!”
No.
It takes more than a wedding ring and a party to ‘legitimize’ ones children. Having/making/spending time for/with them, reassuring them, loving them, teaching them, keeping them comfortable and safe.
Not sleeping around and having children elsewhere because, you cannot spread yourself thinly enough to do the above things for more children, never mind keep the existing ones financially secure.
In short, putting their needs before yours.
These are decisions that you make as a man and a decent human being. The ‘agreement’ you have with their mother has little to do with it.
@DamienWilson
A woman is a fool to have babies for a man who will not marry her. It has nothing to do with Christian beliefs at all. Marriage offers legal protection for both the wife and the children, protection that holds men legally responsible should the marriage break down. You wrote a whole lot of nothing to justify you having wifey benefits but too cowardly selfish and self centered to marry the woman. You are not your father so stop hiding behind the excuse for how he treated your mother as a reason for you not getting married. Nowhere in my post did I mention anything about Christianity so stop projecting. Bottom line: When you have kids with a woman, you should marry her. But a lot of black men don’t marry their baby mamas, which is why we have 70% household of single mothers out there. Males like you, like to make babies, but don’t want to marry the mother and create a family unit. This is why the black community is crumbling. Save the sorry rhetoric for someone else. What I see before me, is yet one more male, who is a baby daddy.
@Razzy
Firstly, I said WE DONT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE. Is it not our right as human beings to have our own beliefs? Or are we just supposed to go along with what you say just because?
Secondly, parents are the ones who are supposed to protect their children, why do we need marriage to do that for us (oh yes in the event that said marriage breaks down) That just sounds backward.
Thirdly, I am not hiding behind anything as a reason for not getting married (see first line).
I merely mentioned my father to show that marriage benefits arent as great as you make out. It is far from “sorry rhetoric”.
Anyway Im getting out of this debate before someone thinks Im Trolling.
@DamienWilson Do you and your baby mama have a legal agreement in place that spells out assets and what would happen should something happen to either of you? If you don’t want to be married, you should still have some sort of legal document drawn up for your woman and children.
What is truly sad is that the women spouting this nonsense really believe it and believe they are helping you and giving good advice. SMH.
Wow LMH, a little disrespectful.
This article raises some really good points and I’m sure it has helped many women. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction, and understand what men want.
I wish you had a grander stage, woman. I have YET to read common sense put in such a common sense way, yet so convicting. Keep up the good work. As evidenced by the lack of comments, you are saying what needs to be said but not many want to acknowledge.
Thanks Lyndon. I’m working on it!
As a man, husband and father of a young girl I agree with these rules. I have heard rule #3 told so many times and each time I tell woman I have NEVER met a man who married or stayed with a woman for purely sex. Don’t get me wrong it is an important component of a loving supportive relationship but it doesn’t overpower the other attributes such as communication, respect and compatibility.
I haven’t seen women saying no to sex as a drive or incentive for a man to marry either. Among my married friends/associates I have seen a blended approach that go against the no premarital sex theories but also incorporate goals and deadlines in their approach.
And to Pamela NEVER feel you have to hide your accomplishments or achievements. I have dated women above and below me and the main component of the relationship was how we show our love not what our job titles or degrees say. Strive to be your best and find a man who can compliment, support and appreciate it (is my humble advice).
All I can say is Amen to this article. Sadly, I remember as a young woman, falling victim to a lot of these pathetic statements. But I finally realized I have to be happy and I have to be me.
Anyone reading this pathetic list should see that any woman who gives these items as serious advice are saying that all men are pigs. In the same breath we are supposed to be thankful if we can get the attention of and hold on to a pig. That just does not make any sense to me. I have heard most of them over the decades.
My answers to 2-4: I would gladly let some other woman perform that madness. Things get way too complicated.
My favorite one is the one about being a strong woman. I have one undergrad degree and an MBA degree. I guess I was supposed to become a secretary (NOTHING WRONG WITH THE PROFESSION) just so that a man can feel secure. I remember pondering that one seriously (not changing careers) for about a week (decades ago) when I asked myself, Why on earth would I want to be chained to a man that I would have to prop up all the time? Around the same time I was at the last black church I attended when the minister basically said that the race would be better if we as black women would help the brothers out. I left there not too long after that message.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told to stop being so strong or else I’ll never find a man. What I tell these silly women is that I don’t need a man that is intimidated that I know how to fix my own issues whether it’s fixing the sprinkler system or re-routing the dryer vent to he garage. It’s like they are suggesting I wait for a man to come and “rescue” me. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
No S$TT! Best to be alone and happy with your free time, without a dufus to take care of. I always remember this corny saying: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. LOL