Single black female questions her attraction to white males

| 07/06/2012 | Comments (8)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a single black female. My grandfather on my mother’s side was biracial. I have always been attracted to the Caucasian race ever since I was 18. Whenever I am confronted by an African American man, I get nervous, don’t want to talk to him or even look at him. I just don’t want to be bothered with him.

I am flatly not interested in dating a black man. I don’t feel comfortable at all. I get along better with the non-black race. I don’t know why. Do you think there is something wrong with that?

Very Confused

Dear Confused:
One of two things happened: Either you were physically and/or sexually assaulted by a black male at the age of 18 and that fear is being carried over into who you can trust in a relationship, or you don’t want to be black. I’m going with the second choice. That is the only reason I can think of that you would mention that a relative is half white in a letter about your attraction to white men. I’m thinking that you look more like your father and you don’t like it because you wanted to look more like your grandfather. I’m picking up that you have some deep-seated resentment that you didn’t come out looking more like your mother or grandfather – having their skin tone, hair texture, or perceived higher status due to lighter skin tone. ADBRITE TEXT BOX

But you know what girlfriend? No matter how much you run from it, black is in your blood and you will always be considered to be a black woman. All that “I’m 1/4 white/Irish/Jewish/French” stuff that black folks talk about doesn’t mean a thing.


Because EVERY SINGLE African American person in the U.S. is mixed with SOMETHING! We’re ALL biracial! None but those that came over recently from Africa is pure-blooded African anymore. Hell, lots of them are mixed with British blood, Dutch blood, or some other settling race from another continent as well! 

You would do well to deal with your fears and shame of being brown-skinned and what you think you are running from by avoiding brown-skinned men. Though you certainly do not have to be attracted to black men if you don’t want to, I think single black females do better when they leave their options open to be attracted to a man for the man that he is, not his skin color. Jerks and assholes can have white, yellow, brown or black skin honey. A single black female must be open to love from wherever it comes, which makes a fixation on white skin exclusively for a black female highly questionable.

After all, being with a white man is not going to erase your blackness, it is not going to change you in any way, it is not going to make you better than any other black woman. Seeking a white man solely because of the color of his skin is nothing but a fetish… its not about loving him as a person.

Even if you marry a white dude, when you wake up in the morning you will still be black and he won’t. You’ll always be chasing something that you can never be, never achieve, never have. YOU go WITH YOU everywhere you go and there is no running away from who and what you are.


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Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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  1. simplytoyin says:

    @SwirlQueen I hope she heals though, it does sound like something else is being left out. it’s one thing to say i’m only attracted to x y z men, but to say she all what she said, tells me there is something missing, more than a matter of preference? I could be wrong, if so apologies.

  2. zipporah says:

    bad WM sounds like the ol’ plantation & wiggers are the worst! The’ best’: gentlemen cowboys of all colors–who ride and take you horseback riding & going to rodeos, etc.

  3. zipporah says:

     @AndreaLThorsen this sound ‘picky’ BUT why are we blacks the ONLY GROUP that use the terms MALE/FEMALE—- white male…..what? cat? dog? i know, human. Is it the c/rap hop-hep culture post 1979—sounds ‘plantation’

    • @zipporah I don’t know anything about plantation lingo, but the use of male and female to describe Human men and women is a pet peeve of mine, because most living things have gender. The only exception being a description of someone who has flat out refused to act like a decent and/or responsible Human being. In which case, I use their gender facetiously.

    • simplytoyin says:

      @AndreaLThorsen  @zipporah Christ! I thought i was being picky when i hear it, i always retort with ‘female what? cat, dog, sheep’ the speaker looks bewildered and i add ‘woman, man, boy, girl are not really interchangeable. Male, female child ok i’m listening’ Phew! I thought i was wrong on that one lol.

  4. I’m not one for accusing other Black women of “self-hate” because they are attracted to non-Black men — my own husband is White, BUT what the letter writer said was very strange. She says Black men made her uncomfortable, but did not describe any out of hand behavior or past trauma that would explain it. I’m not attracted to the vast majority of men I come across in my life (regardless of ethnicity), but my lack of attraction does not make me uncomfortable in the presence of those men. I simply feel nothing, in the way of romantic interest.
    Frankly, I think that this girl IS attracted to Black men, but does not want to be. Feelings of sexual attraction begin in puberty, she says her attraction for White men started at 18. So, I must agree that she does have issues about her own ethnicity. She would have to be an idiot to believe that her attraction to White men is caused by her grandpa being half White. If grandpa were a factor, wouldn’t she prefer biracial men instead?
    I could be wrong, she could have left out some important details that would shed light on her discomfort with Black men. If she’s reading this post and it’s comments, I hope she responds. Inquiring minds want to know the full story.

  5. SwirlQueen says:

    I love how you were able to zero in on this young woman’s problem. I met a young black woman who hated everything about anyone black including herself.  She still had issues because she chose bad wm thinking they would save her.  She needed help before getting into a relationship with anyone.  This lady may need some counseloring to deal with whatever horror shaped her self image.  Then she may meet a nice guy but until then, I feel sorry for her, her guy and whatever children she would subject this self hating on in the future.

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