Whatever You Did to Get Her You Need to Keep Doing

| 08/16/2011 | Comments (3)

A woman on another friend’s FaceBook page asked why it is that people don’t realize that whatever they did to get you in the first place, they need to keep doing to maintain the relationship.  This is a frequently asked question (always by women though), because all the romantic gestures, the attentive telephone calls, the setting aside time to spend time with you, kissing you for no reason at all – that stuff comes to a screeching halt once men feel they have you.

I’ve asked guys why they relax so much and leave their women feeling abandoned emotionally. Many men have bluntly expressed to me their disgust of women asking for more time and romantic attention.  “Why do I need to keep doing all that stuff? We are in a relationship now!”

Women often put up with being neglected, cheated on, and feeling lonely in their relationships for YEARS. Some women willingly trade their self-respect and mental health for  material security – a new car, a nice house, credit cards and designer label clothes purchased by their keeper.

Other women are not so calculating. They believed in the fairy tale of happily ever after, but refuse to give up even when its obvious that the dream is nothing but smoke and mirrors. They keep hope alive, praying that some day he will change back into the man he was when they first met him. So they stay in their sad broken piece of a relationship accepting scraps and sometimes even abuse instead of moving on.

Such women are so anxious to “keep a man” and not be alone that they put up with bullshit and fuckery.

Other women make threats about leaving or divorcing, but they don’t follow through on them. After the first time you threaten and there are no repercussions for his nasty behavior, your man knows he has you, that you ain’t going nowhere, that all you do is talk a bunch of shit. You have taught him by your indecisiveness that he can do and say anything (or not do and say what he needs to), and you will STILL BE THERE. Still cooking and cleaning and sexing him and taking care of him. Still looking at him, loving him, and putting his needs and desires first. Still there.

So if this is a problem, women have the power to change it. When he isn’t paying attention to you, leave his ass alone. Go out with other men. Hang with your friends. Be busy. Be gone. Be uninterested in him and make him do some work to get your attention. Stop being an overgiver! Don’t meet any of his alleged “needs” since he refuses to do shit to meet yours.

Women also need to realize that when a man stops showing interest in you and treating you like you are special to him, that means HE IS NOT INTERESTED AND YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL TO HIM. That means its time to do your own thing and not worry at all about him.

If more of you women made yourselves a priority, took care of yourselves emotionally and stopped being so dependent on men you would have better, more satisfying relationships.

Remember, men always take the path of least resistance and do whatever is the easiest for them. If you as his woman will put up with bullshit and fuckery, that is the type of relationship your man will give you. Because that’s all you demand from him, and all you believe you deserve to have.

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

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Comments (3)

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  1. Renee says:

    I think that there is a specific motivation for women to remain in these types of relationships. Fear of failure. If she gives up on the relationship, she will see it as a personal failure. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she’s going to stick it out even if she envisions boiling a pot of hot grits, she’s going to stubbornly hang on. Why? Because she cares about what others think. She knows that the guy wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire, but she’s gonna hang in there because she doesn’t want to be talked about. And let’s face it…when there’s a breakup….the woman gets the questions. What didn’t she do to keep her man happy? How did she fail? If a woman is single, the one disparaging remark that’s said to cut her to the quick is “Where is YOUR man?” which by definition means that you ain’t shitz without one. That’s a whole freaking mindset to try to fight, but I think it’s well worth it.

  2. eLLe85 says:

    Most men are so base and dumb. They create and participate in this oppressive system, they do the chasing and then think once they have “the prize” that they don’t have to do anything else but show up. If they would get a clue and realize if I really want this woman in my life, I need to be the best I can be at ALL times, I need to be present and I need to put the same effort in that I did from the beginning-we wouldn’t have half of the marriages ending in divorce and we would have a much more peaceful coexistence. The same can be said for women but the difference is that 9 times out of 10, the men fail to show up and put in the work consistently FIRST, so the woman loses interest in maintaining the relationship all by herself.

  3. ebony says:


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