The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
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Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
Dear Deborrah: I came across your article on the Black church through a friend and was very impressed that you took on this mirroring role. As a 62-year old white man who grew up poor but spent 30+ years lawyering for the govt., I do not stand in a place to validate or approve or disagree. But I have spent many years doing my work on race and gender, including leading multicultural awareness trainings. So let’s say I see where you are coming from and have some sense of the attitudes and behaviors you are addressing and seeking to change and the intensity with which you will be resisted. The image in the mind is so different from the image in the mirror you are holding up for reflection.
It’s ironic in a way that the institution which evolved to protect its members from the insidious attitudes and behavior of racism and transform uneducated and recently freed slaves into educated, productive members of the middle class or trades to the extent they could, has seemingly remained so sexist, and dare I add homophobic.
I had a powerfully transformative experience involving primarily the essential meaning of dominance in the Patriarchy, the banishment of the Divine Feminine, and the beginning of oppression of the Other. We are so deep in delusion that no thinks to question why we don’t have God the Mother and God the Daughter up in the Pantheon with God the Father and God the Son. How could that be?
Blessings, Love and Light for this sacred work of Awakening!!
Wow! It so great that brought up God the MOTHER and God the DAUGHTER…a concept that most black folks have never even considered, or see as some kind of blasphemy or devil worship, not knowing that OUR ANCESTORS worshipped female entities for literally thousands of years!!
Its kind of ironic that a WHITE MALE, can see the truth that sooooo many BLACK FEMALES cannot see…or wont see because of fear.
We are so deep in illusion that we refuse to question the very foundations of our existence, but instead choose simply to regurgitate what we were told before our minds were developed enough the comprehend what it was learning.
But the world is awakening, and we dont have much time left to do it. Christians are correct in one aspect…we are about to reach a ‘judgment’ that we have brought upon ourselves for our selfishness, arrogance and hatred of our fellow man. The problem is that Christians dont realize that the dogma it, and other religions spew is RESPONSIBLE for a great portion of the imbalances we are facing…and the more they fight the new emerging paradigm, the more they are ensuring the possibility that the transition to the new age will NOT be a smooth one.
Its time to EVOLVE people! Mankind was not created. We are BEING created…still. Its time to move on the next level, where dualities are reconciled and hiearchies are abolished. the more we fight it, the more hell on earth we will experience.
Its not a coincidence that women like Deborrah are writing article like this now. The energies are shifting and women, especially BLACK women are starting to slowly reclaim OUR rightful place as the original MOTHERS of the earth. But its an uphill battle, for sure.
I commend Deborrah for lighting a fire that has got folks thinking, all over the world!
Its about time!
• STOP re-quoting the statistics about successful educated Black women never getting married or having kids. Would you rather we stayed stupid and broke for the sake of a ring? Of course not, so how is reminding us of the statistics going to help? It’s just going to make the desperate more desperate and the hopeless less hopeful. I can’t see the good in that. Those of us staying optimistic become less so in the face of all the overwhelming evidence. Maybe we will (get married), maybe we won’t but the continuous talk of a “crisis” in the community (because of our unmarried state) is just plain mean.

• STOP telling me how to look to catch a man. No, it’s not my weight. I’ve been everything from a size 8 to a 22 and back again and had a man at every one of those sizes. No, it’s not my hair, I’ve been straight, kinky, wavy, weaved, pony-tailed and darn near bald… had a man at every step of the way there, too. For every so-called flawless woman with a ring, I can name two so-called flawless women without one. Oh, magazines–this is for you, too. Stop telling us that this lipstick, that high-heeled boot, that pencil skirt is the thing we MUST own to snare Mr. Right.

• STOP telling me to date (or not to date) White men. All of you. Seriously. I’ll date that blue dude from “Avatar” if I freakin’ want to. People dating the rainbow coalition, good for you. People only attracted to a certain type, good for you. People who have given up on one type and are looking for another type to swoop in and save them, good luck with that. Either way, I’m tired of hearing about it.
• STOP looking for someone to blame. It’s not that all Black women are mean or picky or high-maintenance–GTFOH with that. It’s not that all Black men are trifling or thuggish or under-employed–that’s bullshiggity, too. All the Black men are not in jail, all the sisters aren’t expecting “too much”–those are cop out answers. I’m sure every woman who is single could sit down and point to a variety of reasons (good, bad and in-between) why they are that way today. Each story is an individual one both personal and unique to the person telling it. Let them own that story, quit painting with the broad strokes… 

• STOP acting like we are either sitting around waiting to exhale or are gasping our last breath surrounded by 20 cats. Can we not be vibrant, complete individuals regardless of relationship status? And this goes for you too other sisters… stop giving us the “I’m so sad for you” look because you have a man and we don’t (at the moment). This just makes us angry and less sympathetic should things not work out between you and your boo. We don’t need sympathy, just a little support and a smile. Please and thank you in advance. 

• STOP acting like my brains are a detriment. I shall not be dumbing it down for the cause of snaring a man. Nor will I emasculate him by pointing out all the stuff I may know that he doesn’t. Not everybody can match my Scrabble game… I’m evil with it, son… evil. Don’t come at me with the Trivial Pursuit either… moving on. This whole concept of acting like I’m less than I am to make a man feel like more than he is… that’s crap. That means we are not a fit. Onto the next… hopefully. 

• STOP judging me because I have standards. Not prejudices… standards. Sure I would date the UPS man if we found each other attractive and interesting. But the UPS man who has four kids, four baby mamas, two parole officers and a habit of blowing his paycheck on a great batch of chronic… hell no. That doesn’t make me snobby or bougie, that makes me self-aware of my own code of values, tolerance and limitations. 

• STOP assuming we all want Barack ambition, Denzel smile, LL Cool J body, Kanye swagger, LeBron money and Idris vibe. I mean, that’s nice and all but we know expecting one dude to have all of that wrapped up in one package is ridiculosity of the highest order. Most of us would be happy with someone we can trust, laugh with, talk to and ride out a crisis with your mutual affection and admiration still intact. We’ll start with that every day of the week. 

• STOP telling us that you (and you alone) have the answer (the fix, the cure!). You don’t or we wouldn’t still be talking about it. And by the way, if your answer involves me becoming a completely different person than I am, you may keep that. Don’t start with the argument that clearly what I’ve done up to now hasn’t worked… er, uh–I know. You throwing Hallmark-style affirmations my way (packaged as a book of “get a man gospel”) is useless and kinda slimy. 

• STOP helping. Really, stop offering up opinions and concern and editorials. Especially if your own relationship history is kinda suspect. I wouldn’t take boat-steering advice from the Exxon Valdez captain or fact-checking advice from Jayson Blair… just sayin’.
Though you can certainly have an opinion about what is written on this site, you and no one else tells me to STOP doing whatever it is I please. I do what I want to do. I do what I need to do. I say what needs to be said. I write what needs to be written. Now if you don’t want to hear it that’s your right and privilege, but you do not have the right nor the privilege to command me to STOP delivering the message I think needs to be delivered. If you want to keep your head wherever it is and not challenge yourself or your thinking, that again is your choice.
But don’t you DARE ever even attempt to squelch a voice that speaks to the freedom of womankind just because you prefer to continue to be a slave to mankind.
@ Deborrah, I agree with you response to this commenter and I must also add that QT Jones, has posted bullet points from an article that was written by Michele Grant and posted at Essence.com, several months ago, without giving her proper attribution, which is also known as copyright infringement.
So QT, you might want to stop posting these comments out of their proper context before you start getting into some serious legal trouble. Also anyone who wants to read the article in its proper context and get its original intent should do that before jumping on QT’s bandwagon.
We believe in a personal Savior who cares about the details of our life. And, when we hear from a pastor or leader, we listen because we believe them to be set apart for the work of ministering to God’s people. The Holy Ghost, whose presence inspires a shout, is our Master Teacher. The point is simply this–use every available medium, format, or venue possible to get to know God and understand what God wants for you. This article probably wont enlighten some, but take it to God in prayer. Is it scripture? No. But does it contain some interesting things about us as religious people? Yes! Keep thinking people of God. Don’t let every new idea trouble your faith, but don’t be afraid to hear new ideas. I’m still listening.
REVEALING! Yes i felt the same way but i dare not say my real name or say where i am from for the fear of excommunication from Facebook, church and other silly woman who believe in following their men. Even if it put their own future in jeopardy! @ the pastor ken. dude, you single? Just kidding but for real, real men are in the places that you would not find other believing single woman. Hell, I ended up marring a man out of the fear of being alone because i got pregnant first. Sad. I know and everyday the question is asked if we are in love. Sad. All I am teaching is that my child should do the same exact thing. Now i am trapped by my own guilty feeling that marriage is a covenant and divorce would make me unclean. Religion is a fool.
I don’t even know what to say but thank you!! There are a lot of things, mainly the undertone that I don’t aggree with however your message is heard, understood, and on point.
I enjoyed going to church and have grown significantly through the word of God but one day something happened. I began observing and no longer consuming. Well to give credit to where credit was due, the ministry began talking to the younger saints in the church. We were no longer young babes but grown folks who were interested in dating, marriage, and families.
I commend the ministry on attempting to be gender nuetral but what I observed clearly showed the messages which were received. The females were often quiet, without voice, constantly charged with Not enticing, Not pursuing, Not challenging the object of their affection. Drilled to be meek and the males were exactly the opposite acting out gifts of entitlement and earthy reign because they’re charged with leadership.
Clear messages from the pulpit to the women….the Lord will bring you your husband so stop focusing on that mess and focus on the Lord. I began to wonder why they had to be mutually exclusive? I wasn’t trying to sleep with Jesus, but you’re taught you’re like the church (Jesus’ bride).
For those without independent thought this alone can be quite damaging. The overall message is to wait on the Lord…find joy in him…seek not earthly pleasures. If you’re focused on a man you can’t be focused on God. I began to feel restricted, chained, controlled and left to rediscover myself.
I’m so thankful to be delivered from all the static, noise coming from those who are afraid of me living the gift that life truly is. Noise from people who deep down inside may hold some resentment towards women or worse be stuck in the teachings prior to the womens right movement (haha). Just noise.
I’m going after what I want with the Lord’s blessing.
After reading the article and some of the comments I would just like to say @AJ that I applaud your insight on the issue and I’m glad that someone finally said it, “Church is simply a place for like-minded people to worship together under the teaching of the Word of God. It is not a spiritual court room”.
It is important for individuals to establish their own relationship with God and learn to use his principles in every aspect of their lives. Whether you attend a ‘traditional black church’ or a non-denominational black/racially diverse church, each person should study the WORD for their own understanding and not necessarily just blindly follow their pastor’s words and opinions, because he/she is just the messenger and not God. The people of God are not perfect; therefore, the church is not perfect either. It’s just unfortunate that sometimes the ‘people of God’ within the church are so focused on playing “church”, or fulfilling their roles as spiritual leaders, that they turn off certain members or visitors from that place of worship.
I think if someone finds themselves confused and worried because their church is not meeting their needs they don’t necessarily have to reject the church as a whole and let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch. They may just need to pray and study the word on their own and ask the Lord to lead them to another church. “Ask, and Ye Shall Receive”, right?
As a young, educated, Black single woman I’ve read many different articles about the “plight of single Black women in America” and where the blame should fall. Although, this article did make some interesting points, I really think that instead of people continually placing the blame elsewhere; i.e. the black church, rising divorce rates, incarceration rates, or etc., people need to start looking at the common denominator, themselves. Instead of focusing on every negative statistic, why not work on truly loving yourself and trusting that God will provide your every need?
I guess that’s just me. Maybe more women need to start exercising their faith in God to help them realize that they don’t have to become another statistic.
“Trusting that God will provide your every need?” That’s the problem right there girlfriend. You didn’t understand what you read. God is not going to provide your every need, that is something you need to do for YOURSELF. If you have an able body, a working brain, your sight and hearing, you need to be out kickin it hard and making it happen. Too many African Americans do just as you said and sit on their asses WAITING for someone to do it for them, to bring them what they need, what they want, what they deserve instead of going and getting it for themselves. God helps those that helps themselves.
God helps those who helps themselves, so why are people sitting in church blindly listening to a guy in the pulpit tell them what to do and then waiting around?
The tone of the article, or word choices the author used to present his assessments’ and conclusions were a little too strong in my opinion. He should’ve did a better job at using milder language, because as a writer, if your objective is to reach out and educate people of your opinions, then you should speak in the most accepting way possible to increase the chances that your ideas reaching those who would typically be either closed minded or confrontational towards what you are trying to saying. Because what good are you as a writer if you are just trying to entertain those who will probably agree with you anyways? What good are you as a writer if you are just trying to poke at a sensitive issue just to stir a hornet’s nest with the use of strong confrontational language that will only attract the responses of strongly confrontational people who are usually the least open minded kind of people to try to educate or gain some understanding with? The topics and information in this article were very interesting none the less, but the tone of the article makes me question the writer’s actual intent. Was he trying to give and gain understanding about this issue or just entertain? Ya feel me?
Um, first of all the author is a female named Deborrah Cooper. Hard to mistake that one for a guy! lolol. Secondly, I do not use mild language when I am speaking because that is what weak people do…. hesitate and placate and try to please others. I have no interest in pleasing anyone with what I write, I just put it out there and you take from it what you wish and leave the rest. I am not here to MAKE you see anything, either you are open to receiving the message as it is delivered, or you are not. Shrug. But it is amazing to me how many men have come on here and attempted to TELL ME what I ‘should’ do on my own blog with my writing! Frickin amazing.
At least you got one concept down, I am stirring a nest here. When a woman is ready to go to war for a cause RB, she does not go wearing high heels and perfume with ribbons in her hair carrying a tray of cookies. Instead she puts on her gear, grabs her grenades and guns, and prepares to battle. I launched a grenade with this article with the hopes that it would blow up some things and when the dust settles, lots more women will see that they have allowed themselves and their female power to be placed in cages by the men in their churches.
According to her these women need to stop going to church to find a man. Last I looked in the Word CHURCH/ ASSEMBLY IS NOT FOR THAT!! I do agree with some other postulations that she has made, but am not in agreement with the feministic flavor of this article.
Lets be honest, it may be the reason why some of us arent married anyway, b/c they are not truly fellowshiping out of obedience to the Word of God. if you cannot submit to the Lord (Word of God) how can you think to submit to a man. The focus of fellowship is assembly with other believers, not to find a love connection. There are other settings for that and not the examples that she puts in this article if you are TRUELY SEEKING TO STAY IN GODS WILL:)
Umm to blame all churches for what some Pastors may be doing is like blaming all of Corporate America for what a couple of shady CEO’s do, or blaming every mortgage company for what a couple of companies did. None of the arguments make sense! You can’t say that everyone is preaching lies to people and holding the black woman down. That’s crazy! I know tons of black women throughout the world that go to church that pursue their goals and dreams and that are married to wonderful men, engaged to wonderful, dating wonderful men, or are happily single women.
Going to church is not about meeting a man so if black women find themselves having a hard time doing that they shouldn’t be surprised. Your priorities and your focus are way off if that’s your reason for going to church.
You said that Pastors speak on things that fall outside of the realm of “spirituality” all of the time. You have to realize that nothing falls outside of the realm of spirituality. This compartmentalized style of living where you have your sacred and your secular is what causes so many nonbelievers to have the issues that they have with the modern day church. You live one way while you’re at church and you live a whole different way when you’re out with your friends or on your job. Pastors are supposed to speak on all topics as they relate to your life. That is Biblical.
As far as the deal with submission, that is Biblical too. You might not like it, but you submit to someone or something every day. You submit to the government when you pay taxes, you submit to law enforcement when you follow our societal rules. You submit to your employer if you work for someone else, and even if you work for yourself, on some level you submit to your clientele. That’s the only way that you get to keep them. Submission is a way of life!!!!! So with that being stated, why get mad if you as a woman would have to submit to your husband. It doesn’t mean that you are his doormat and he gets to walk all over you. Maybe you should work to understand the concept of submission from a Biblical standpoint before you condemn as being worthless or oppressive.
Finally, you can’t summarize your limited negative experiences and make them true of the whole. If you’ve dealt with shady pastors that have tried to manipulate and control or condemn or oppress, recognize that they were probably shady people all along and then they just became shady people with power.
There are hundreds of thousands of churches in the world. Many are thriving and growing and seeing God move in amazing ways because they accept Biblical truth and apply it to their life. I would encourage you to try the same. If you haven’t tried it for yourself and really given God a chance to show you that it works, don’t take the liberty to explain to us why it’s wrong.
Thanks!
If you go into a church house and the pastor is Black, everyone in the congregation is Black, the deacons are black, and the church is in a primarily Black neighborhood – it’s a black church. I could not care less about the exception to the rule lady, I’m talking about the majority issue here. Just like during Jim Crow days, not every White person was racist and some fought side by side with us for our civil rights, but enough of them WERE racist to make the black population of an entire nation feel like nothing. Well, that’s the same thing happening here with these ministers and pastors.
I have no interest in studying submission. It’s a backwards concept that you should abandon with glee yourself and stop defending. Other than that, I’ve already provided answers to all your other questions dozens of times throughout the comments and refuse to do it again.
Deborrah! This article is awesome and I truly agree with it’s contents.Unfortunatelly for many woman who are living and experiencing that social and emotional emptiness in our churches, they will miss your point. To agree with this information for many, means to dissagree with a traditional lisit given to us since conception passed from generations. The woman as myself who stepped out of the box and found what I’ve been looking for outside of the tradition of that list, are very few. I am happier than I’ve ever been and I learned that to find the kind of person I want ,I have to be that kind of person. I see many woman in church each time the door opens but their relationship with God is only as far as the church door. If you want loyalty, be loyal…you want wealth…at least pay your bills…etc. Many of us ask for what we’re not willing to give and then get mad at men when they go to someone else…then they make the other men pay for it…claiming to be a christian…come on ladies…we’re gonna have to do better. And for those of you that this does not apply, pls don’t respond…if it does…make some changes…today…God is there to provide all of our needs and that is not limited to the church!
Criticizing the church is not criticizing God. Questioning our practices and beliefs should be done on a regular basis to make sure we are in line with what we state we believe. A great deal of people here are ignoring the times that they felt the pastor was out of line, that the explanation for a passage was incorrect – or they later learned it was incorrect with further study. To say that the church including the folks leading it cannot be falliable is ridiculous. Only God is infalliable.
Too often the church gives passes to men in order to keep the ones that come there. This is a huge fail on so many levels it is not funny. It is sad and it is cowardly.
Too often women are told to be modest, to cover up and everyone including the preacher knows about the men who come to church looking for lonely women – using them for sex and emotional connections and quickly going on to the next one when they join but rarely is anything said to them.
Many on here do not want to admit that via having single ministries the church is involving itself in marriage ane encouraging it.. There are single mixers etc. Get a grip. Via having married couples conferences it IS involving itself in marriage. Please do not speak only of the church you attned, you KNOW that there are many churches that do encourage marriage and actively does this. In addition, if you know basic Jewish history, which Christianity hails from, then you MUST know that marriages were arranged and it was an active, time consuming, and serious business for the mothers, fathers and children involved – expecially since marriage was/is an important for their families and society. This attitude of sit still and pray for a good marriage simply does not compute or make sense in light of knowing this. Joseph and Mary had an arranged marriage. Now that this practice orf arranging marriage is not currently used women and men MUST actively learn about their potential partners on their own especially if they feel marriage is something important for them. Read your Bible & go learn some early Jewish & Christian history. This sit still and wait thing, this is definitely something NEW.
I do agree with the part that most men are not going to come to church and put up with being judged by other men. Men who have a pair are not going to put up with that BS.
you been tricked if you think Jesus is responsible for alla black women’s problems. you been tricked because you obviously think you success is because of you. you been tricked if you think the way to success is acting like white people and rejecting faith. you been tricked if you think submission is a bad thing. the reason so many black women are single is because of sin. I mean this sounds like some atheist kid from columbine wrote this. are you kidding me? I mean sin in that many people have killed raped and abused blk men in this country. the reason bk women are single because it might as well be a war. the reason that black women are single is because faith of our fathers has been rejected and there many instance in the bible where people rejected them and they are not married. Isreal. if you read it. Jewish people know what’s up how come you don’t. Oh right it’s cool to be worldy, i get it. sister you been tricked.
Where did I say Jesus was responsible for anything? Your reading comprehension skills are very poor. I have said at least 75 times throughout these responses that it is the MEN RUNNING THE BLACK CHURCHES that are responsible for the issue I wrote about. That is all I said. And submission is bad. Fuck submission!
Since Black women have been raped, abused and killed wayyyyyyyyyyy more than Black men have (most of the time by Black men!), why are you wasting time worrying about that? You are male identified, as you have been trained to be by your church and religion… to put men and their desires and feelings before your own.
Honey, the one that has been tricked here is you. Some people recognize smoke and mirrors when they see it, and others sit there in awe when they stare at shiny things. I am the former and you are the latter.
“Honey, the one that has been tricked here is you. Some people recognize smoke and mirrors when they see it, and others sit there in awe when they stare at shiny things. I am the former and you are the latter.”
THAT is the quote of the century!
I will be using that one frequently!!!!! (i will give you credit of course, Deborrah).
This statement bout sums it up for me.
(Drops microphone and walks away.)
so you are correct sort of, and don’t mean this is a lording type of way, but to me the problem is with black folks and not the black church. since the church is not black. God isn’t telling women to forgo their families in order to be busybodies, out of that is people and they blame God. but the answer is not to leave the church, it is not be so ‘religious’ in church. meaning getting to know God for real. Not play around, i have found this alot in african american circles and in churches i used to attend however the problem never had anything to do with God but people. So blaming God is like…. I went to a mult-racial church in ny and many many people got married, there was no issue, why? because people actually did what it said in the book. people don’t do what it says in the book. they play, like joyce meyers says God is an equal opportunity God. so if i blasted u in my first comment, this article made me very angry. Joyce meyers was abused by her fathers for years so if anybody would have an issue with men and submission, she would be the one. but look at her, and has four children. greater suffering, greater reward, so we have no excuse and i have lived this. that’s it
Who is blaming God? Wow you all really don’t comprehend what you read at ALL. I never ever said God had anything to do with the foolishness of the men that run these churches. You confuse God with a Pastor or Minister or Deacon or whatever else they call themselves. They are NOT GOD, they are just plain ole men that piss and burp and fart and get sick and bleed and lie and cheat and steal just like everyone else. They are not special.
The black church, or any church for that matter is NOT responsible for educating anyone on any topic outside of sprituaity. You want to blame the black church for the state of the race. That’s ridiculous! Don’t blame ANY church for your own shortcomings. Get it together!
They may not be responsible for it, but they sure do take that stance and try to control everything women do. From how they dress to how they raise their children, to how they vote, to what they do with their bodies to what they do for entertainment – all outside of the church and realm of “spirituality.” So I’m not sure how you are thinking about this whole church thing, but you are dead wrong. The church in this instance is very much a part, and I say the MAJOR part, of the problem of the high numbers of single black women
Deborah, you hit the nail on the head, after all the Christian church is nothing more than a sanctimonious, high handed, self-esteemed, patriarchal methodology that’s more so about pastors and their pockets, then about establishing a true relationship with the Lord and Savior. This “religious body” perpetuates the abuse, and destruction of the female mind. I pray for the day that the roles will be reversed, and that men will truly become the bitches and act the roles that are pervasively assigned to us today. All women need to come together and start a revolution, teach these men a goddamn lesson.
You’re my hero!!! Please continue to speak the truth and don’t worry about the males who feel as if they must comment (even though this intelligent piece isn’t for them) because as always they just don’t get it. Right on!!
I agree with one of the points you make which is You are the “Church.” If You are the “Church” then only You stand in your own way. I can apply any of the arguments asserted above to any organization including the work place, social & professional organization, government etc. All organizations are made of people. People are not perfect therefore organizations will not be perfect including the “Church” (because You are the “Church.”) To assert or allude that women should not attend church due to overt/covert sexism, gender role inequities, etc is to undermine everything women before us fought for during the Women’s Movement. If you truly feel these issues exist in the organized church you are a part of then I encourage and challenge you to meet with the leaders of your church organization, voice your concerns and provide suggested actions your church organization can take to rectify these issues. If you opt to leave the church or say nothing then you directly contribute to the gender inequities and brainwashing you refer to above as silence is a form of agreement.
As a professional woman I find that most women do not put the same action and effort into their personal lives as they do other areas of their life in which they have achieved success. Dating is work. If you want to have a successful dating life you must work at it. Be it the church building, a sports bar, a concert or a club, thinking that you will find a potential date just by showing up is a bad plan. Many women have an ideological view towards meeting men in that they think that as long as they are out in a public place, a guy will magically lock eyes with you and walk over and ask you out. Deborah, I seriously doubt you achieved the professional success you have today just by showing up to your classes and to your work place. So why do women expect to find a date just by showing up to the church building or any other venue? If you want to achieve success in this area of your life, you must put forth an effort. And you have to determine what that effort is for you, be it light flirting or asking a guy out. The church building or organization itself has never kept a black woman single and lonely; only You the “Church” can do that.
Finally, finding a date should not be your primary reason for attending church as there are numerous venues available for social networking. However if you see a cutie at church cool! By all means be sure to exchange information before or after service. The “Church” meets regularly at a church building because the Bible instructs us to not forsake the gathering of the saints as that is the time in which we encourage, edify and exhort one another. We meet as a body to get equipped with the Word and to grow in our knowledge as iron sharpening iron in preparation of us going back out into the world to carry out the Great Commission Jesus commanded in Matthew 29:19 – which is to “go make disciples of all nations.” Thanks for the article as it was an interesting read.
RW, though your points make sense and are logical, they do not reflect what is happening in church. Nor do they reflect the messages black women are being given about being self-actualizing when it comes to finding a man. For example, here is a link to a video posted recently by Pastor Ken Patterson in which he instructs women on how to find a mate.
His type of mandate is being given to church going women all over the nation, believe me. Maybe not as overtly as this guy (as sometimes throat clearing, stern looks of disapproval and gossipy sideways glances can be effective tools of control as well). No matter, the message to single woman of the congregation is still just as clear – stay single and stay here and give me your money bitches! Check this shit out:
Pastor Ken Patterson – A Message to Single Ladies
OMG! I cant believe that bullshit I just watched. I couldnt make it thru the whole video, cuz my stomach started to turn.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOUR ARTICLE IS SO RELEVANT.
This fool is telling women to stay “hidden”! WTF? how will that EVER help a woman find a mate and a fulfilling life if she HIDES from the world like a scared rabbit.
I am so in sensed at this bullshit! This is the message that keeps women cowering in the corner, hiding their bruises, hiding their emotional abuse, hiding their childrens physical and sexual abuse from the world, because they BELIEVE thats what GOD wants them to do.
Deborrah. You should embed this video in the original article you posted on this topic as a PRIME EXAMPLE of what you are talking about. matter if fact, it should be at the top, before the article begins, because then folks would watch it without their defenses up and their bullshit excuses for this type of rhetoric.
I am so glad i am NOT a Christian. My life sure isnt perfect, but I can only imagine what it would look like if I had these kinds of ideas to wrestle with on a daily basis.
No wonder black women are angry, frustrated and hostile. Who wouldnt have an attitude if they had to carry this bullshit around in their heads and hearts all day long?
And the saddest part about it is all the comments from women underneath the video THANKING this fool for his foolishness. Women are so desperate for answers, they will follow and idiot with a microphone, a pen or a video camera.
Lawd have mercy on us all.
Hmmm, good idea Brooklyn. Let me embed that into the post right now. Maybe it will help some of these people understand better what they are reading, because looking at these posts its become obvious to me that they don’t comprehend what the article is saying AT ALL.
I took the video out of my post and was going to put it back so people could actually see it, but I just discovered that he made it private. So no one can see it and ridicule him anymore. Sorry people!
I LOVE YOU DEBORAH! seriously though. i believe in god but have never subscribed to an organized or unorganized religion for the reasons you described, and others. Among them, religion is man made, not god made. ergo, it is flawed and from the onset was designed for the very specific purpose of control. once i grew into the FREE thinker i am today, i refused to buy what religion is selling. if we’re talking about god then everything HAS to make perfect sense to me. and so much of what the church and religion in general has to say makes absolutely no sense – to which the response is often “take it on faith”. bullshit! that’s tricky way of saying “don’t ask the tough questions” If I was a used car salesman I would say that same shit if I didn’t want you to ask me for the carfax.
i do not go to church but my wife does. we are at a place now where we understand each others position on this and we have moved on from it to pursuits that are far more important like enjoying our lives and raising our children. contrary to popular belief, there are millions of moral people in the world who do not go to church. i guess they will live moral upstanding christ-like lives but will go to hell in the end because they did not go to church and believe in jesus – another idea that defies logic.
to the women that draw from your article the conclusion that you are some bitter evil love starved satan woman that MUST have had a bad experience. I can only hope they someday come to understand that life is soooo much bigger than what exists within their well trained mind. God’s love is NOT a matter of pastor, preacher, fellowship, bible, church. Nor is it up for debate. God’s love very simply IS…and you don’t need any of these things to get it. but if you “feel” you need these things to be close to god then yes, they will emphatically become a cage if interpreted and taught to you by someone else. quit looking for salvation and understanding from external sources. some of us go our whole lives moving fast in a circle of depression, unhappiness, sorrow and confusion, never looking to the ONE who lives within for answers.
as C-Lo so eloquently put it:
“Any book you read is still limited education
You gon’ have to talk to God personally and time is short
And, he’s on his way, and I will receive a great reward for what I’ve done
And this is all that really matters to me
In time you will see what I told you is true
And I ain’t have to rhyme to say that to you
I ain’t got to rhyme to say it to you, it’s true”