The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
(continued on page 2 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
Wow, Deborrah – seems like this article brought out some real interesting and strong opinions! I think the artice was insightful, objective and thanks for the use of statistical data – which always gives hardcore factual information. It is never subjective and does not rely on “I feel” based on ones experiences, thoughts or patterns.
In reality, it is hard for many to understand and consider. I’ve done studies as such and I too have been amazed at its outcome not only in this area but in other areas. Don’t let the harshness get to you – keep doing what you’ve been doing! Its okay to be a radical!
This is the thing that irritates me about people with poor reading comprehension skills. NOWHERE IN THIS ARTICLE DID I SAY GIVE UP GOD FOR ANYTHING!!!!!!!! Another attempt to discredit the article by alleging theories that are not written in the piece. Be very clear: a church is not God. A church is merely a place where people gather. Which you can do in a park, at your home, at a hall or in a field. You do not have to go to CHURCH to find God or have your spirit enriched. That is the part that people just don’t seem to understand. You all are used to going to church and you aren’t willing to see that there are other options for you besides the institutional church with its rules and limits for women! Jeez people. Really now. Stop seeing things that are not there.
@Deborrah Cooper Wow! Is it necessary to insult someone commenting on your article, who may have a different perception of your article. Regardless of what you “said,” your article does sound a bit anti church. The church isn’t why black women are single, it’s the overly aggressive attitudes (like yours) that’s giving us a bad rap. And the influence of American media, which holds white beauty superior to all others, on black men. Learning how to respectfully disagree is just as important as reading comprehension. Who the hell writes an article and is so damn nasty to people who actually take the time to comment?
Me. But see, that is the beauty of being me. I meet my standards for performance and behavior, not yours. If I were so worried about what people thought about what I say and the way I say it, I would never have written the article in the first place!
@LilyRiley Me dammit! LOLOL!
@LilyRiley She’s a grown woman and has a right to feel what she feels because she’s not trying to convey a negative attitude about Christianity but it’s getting lost in translation.
“The church isn’t why black women are single, it’s the overly aggressive attitudes(like yours) that’s giving us a bad rap. And the influence of American media, which holds white beauty superior to all others, on black men.”- So crappy stereotypes and the media are why black women are single? lol Stereotypes are just that, and as far as I’m concerned it’s a lose-lose on that one because no matter how you carry yourself you can be seen that way. Why blame one or several individuals for why multitudes are single? As for the”media influence” there are some weak-minded black men who idolize white women, but as far as I’m concerned I think men can think for themselves and many find black women attractive even non-black men so this just sounds like a ton of excuses.
@topaz627, you underestimate the power of the media on the masses of people who watch tv, read magazines, go to the movies, watch music videos, etc. If media had no such effect, companies wouldn’t pay so much to advertisers. They wouldn’t pay these models what they pay them to be in these commercials. Is it coincidence that most of the models on TV look the same? Have you heard of the doll experiment they did with a bunch of black children who almost unanimously selected the white dolls as more beautiful than the black dolls? You think these same children won’t grow up with a concept of beauty slighted more towards a eurocentric standard of beauty? Media affects perceptions and trends more than you apparently realize. Anyhow, we each have our own opinion based on what we experience and see around us. We know that black women are lagging behind in the marriage department. We just disagree about the source. One thing I will concede is that there may be many sources. Another source is changing views on marriage, particularly in the already affected african american community.
@LilyRiley Don’t get me wrong the media does have an influence, but you act as if nobody can have their own opinion and standards of attractiveness. Our society shows scrawny models as the ideal women, but how many men you hear saying they want a little meat on her bones? Sure people will follow what’s popular but 9 x out of 10, they know what they like even if someone tells them otherwise. Even though you are trying to deflect from the black church as keeping women single, you have to realize Christianity itself isn’t the culprit. It’s pimp preachers and people who go to church with ulterior motives. Growing up in the church I have seen a lot of what she describes, and to completely ignore or claim it’s not happening to me shows massive cognitive dissonance.
@topaz627 I agree Topaz. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman and I do not believe that the media has a beauty ideal any more. It seems to show all women in a beautiful diverse light now. Asian women were once viewed and mocked as ugly years ago, and now they are the most sought after and found to be exceptionally beautiful. People’s perceptions are painted by what they see on the everyday basis, not so much by tv because everyone knows the media do things for ratings.
These are my recommendations and observations:
One thing about black women is that they need to broaden their horizons and interact more with other kinds of people. They are segregated in their activities and also they need to excel in more things besides school and church. They should work on being the package deal, meaning having both internal and external beauty.
I don’t see a lot of bw taking pride in their appearance these days and looking dignified and classy. Everything is over-the-top, ghetto, crazy looking, or just weird. BW look better modestly dress with subtle looking hair styles and make up. All that they do is unnecessary and too busy looking to look good, and men are attracted to simplicity and calmness in wives not a dramatic, chaotic look.
Also, bw have let their shapes go. They aren’t fit and people are like animals…survival of the fittest has been a mantra for our species and it will continue to be that way. Staying fit is a value to BM clearly and BW need to be in shape too because they aren’t fit for success in life when they are weak and sloppy in form and the mind. Also, be genuine, stop wearing weaves and wigs, learn how to wear your own hair in a clean, and healthy way. If this means you can’t wear it out much then play up your face more. Quit with the Afrocentric hairstyles too. Those are hideous.
Dress for the role. I see too many bw advertising sex, sex, sex, and that makes them appear as though they believe they have nothing else to offer. Men don’t want this kind of woman as a wife, or girlfriend. Not bm or any other kind so stop watching BET for dress cues because BET showcases low class, trashy looking women for the most part.
Learn how to speak well. It’s a shame but a lot of bw don’t speak English correctly and/or they don’t sound polished when they speak. Learn how to sound refined and feminine when you talk. This let’s people know that you are groomed well for a higher station.
Also bw should work on their confidence more. They always say things out loud to make other women look good {i.e. referring to others as “the standard”) When you say this, you wonder why anyone would see value in you if you are holding others up as a standard by vocalizing it. Vocalizing shows you recognize this and hold it as true. My thing is, I don’t see any women as a standard. There are some traits that I like in some women of other races and some that I like in bw, but I nurture my own identity and personal qualities that make me feel good about who I am. Meaning, I value and invest in my own brand which allows me to feel I create my own bar that is constantly raised to new heights. So a standard will never be, because it’s stagnant and rigid. People like myself aim to grow and change too much for that.
Furthermore, if bw want to get married, then they should leave the U.S. more. Most of my friends got married as soon as they left the States. Send your daughters to college abroad so that they have more options than they would in America. Also, cultivate the qualities in yourself and your daughters that make for quality wives and mothers. There hasn’t been a lot of groom in this area for a very very long time.
@LotusBud What’s with the list of criticisms a mile long? lol
1. Black men and women both don’t interact with other races, but this is more of a camaraderie with our race. This also is only true for a select few black people.
2. The demand for what black women wear is stereotypical and not common unless you live in the hood. Many black women know how to dress and look well put together, not with all these crazy hair-dos. Women should embrace their own unique style not wear their hair according to what you want.
3.Black women are out of shape? Americans in general are out of shape. You make it seem as only BW who have “sloppy bodies” when there are black men out of shape too. Plus men want the big ass and titties so, and make excuses for women who are thick even if she is unhealthy. The standard of skinny is different outside of Whites and Asians. You also have issues with fake hair, relaxers and natural styles. WTF are we supposed to do shave our heads? lol You are way too picky and need to lower your asinine standards because there’s no pleasing you.
5. Again you’re stereotyping. All black women don’t dress that way and unless it’s extreme most women have shorts and a low-cut top. Stop judging her for what she got on. BET doesn’t always have these outlandishly hoochie outfits for women, you’ve missed the boat! lol
6.Black women don’t know how to talk? Again generalizations, and FYI there are Black PEOPLE that don’t know how to speak without using slang terminology.
7. Women in general as a whole have confidence issues, not just black women. News Flash, your”standards” are ridiculous which is probably why you’re single. Nobody’s good enough for you.
8. Sending women abroad would be a different and eye-opening experience, but it isn’t the solution to dating in America. Black women should be open to love no matter what race.
My final point is who died and made you the go-to relationship expert? You’re just a controlling and superficial guy with insano standards.
Okay… I am a black Christian male and Pastor Ken’s video blog contradicted itself w/ “if you’re in Australia, then the man would find you in Australia”, then “if you are on eHarmony and he’s on eHarmony” huh??? Isn’t that still a type of game playing/positining yourself to be found? Dude wouldn’t know a potential mate was on eHarmony unless he looked. Personally, I want to see a woman in similar actions as myself & radically pursuing God. Staying home and submerging yourself in hermit-ism is a way not to find a mate shy of thunderous revealation from God. The sentiment expressed here is true in the sense – “he that finds”, but in the meantime, be a great woman without games and positioning… that is attractive!
OMGosh…WHY DO YOU use the term MALE! i wish blacks would stop using the terms male and female like we are some farm animals or….slaves perhaps?! are WE THE ONES dehumanizing each other with these terms? we’re the ONLY group that does this!
@zipporah
You are so right. How can they not see how degrading it is. I am sooooo over it.
@zipporah Because not every male is a man, and not every female is a lady. Therefore it is more accurate to describe individuals of a specific gender by their gender label only, not ascribing any social ranking or manners to it. Especially if we do not know that individual and cannot accurately determine his or her morals, values, upbringing or anything else. It would be inappropriate to describe that person as a lady or a man when they could be a trifling hoochie mama or a no count loser punk.
I don’t understand why people think women can only be happy if they have a husband or a boyfriend? I say love yourself. If someone is out there who loves you for you then go for it. Otherwise, we can sleep alone but never be alone with good friends and family. I get sooo tired of women being told that they will be “LONELY” if no one loves them. BS!! Be alone, get to know your own company. Why, as a society, are we always expected to “couple off”?!?!?!?!
No one said “only be happy” if they have a husband or boyfriend. Obviously you took something and went 900 degrees left with it! If a woman wants a husband and family because she doesn’t want to have sex or children out of wedlock, then she should have it. That longing may make her feel lonely because her religious belief and her spirit desires to live that lifestyle. No one is TELLING women that they will be lonely either. Stop reading into the article and attempting to discredit the article by alleging theories that are not written in the piece.
Interesting
This article is unbelievably short-sighted and pragmatic to a fault.
She is diagnosing symptoms of a larger problem in the black church.
It’s like she’s examining a car that is driving around with the parking brake on. She’s talking about the stench, terrible handling and poor gas mileage, but she’s missing the larger problem.
The church (regardless of predominant race) needs to have at its center a focus on the gospel and sound doctrine. For the most part, the black church has neither.
You are talking crazy. You agree with me in the end, so why are you trippin about the fact that I focus on only one aspect of the problem? I am focusing on BLACK WOMEN IN THE CHURCH – that’s it and that’s all. You people writing to complain about what I am not covering in a mere article are confused about the content and breadth of an article vs. that of a book. I am not trying to cover every single aspect of this problem, just the one. Seems more to me that you are just a man irritated because you weren’t included in my analysis. Get over yourself.
youre right….most ‘black’ churches dont. this is why i listen to christian radio and read bible to discern which churches to go to…not all black churches are ‘driving with the emergency brake on’ though
I think what is leading to alot of debate here is the fact that what the author is speaking of does exist in certain venues. Surely there are places within our society that fit the format of which she is speaking. There is someone at every possibility of existence. What most of those who are opposing the total statement or ideal of her message are focusing on is the original intent of God.
Everything that is is not always as it it suppose to be. The “church” or “black church” or any other so called type of church is just a term symbolic of what God has chosen to name those who are called out after Him. When organizations follow the pattern of God, what she is speaking of does not hold true. But when the ideas and desires of men to pattern themselves after the genuine article divert from the original design what she is speaking of and more things worse are possible. What is truly being exposed by all who are commenting is there is a disparity in the body of Christ. Not everyone who names the name of Jesus is sincerely committed to following Him. When this happens the true purpose and message of God suffers the shame that is being demostrated by these comments. It’s an indication that we are not doing all that we need to be doing in our repesentation of the Christian faith . The body of Christ is one, so we all bear the shame. It’s time for us to show forth what a true relationship with God is capable of doing in those whose lives are truly dedicated to Him.
That guy on the video seems to be made for this article. Here he is telling women ‘what he think’s the bible means in terms of how they should find a mate. According to him. Women should stay ‘ hidden’ and only the men can go out seeking. All of this is the same old tripe women have heard for eons that gives men a free pass to sew their wild oats, without impunity while women are supposed to remain virginal.
This is exactly what Ms. Cooper talked about in her article. Men’s need to control women by controlling women’s sexuality most especially their vjays. Now why not tell guys to ‘remain hidden’? Because he knows that shyt won’t wash with guys. But women are so gullible and believe anything a man says just because he has testicles and is wearing a robe standing in a pulpit. Women have to stop being so gullible and use their own brain.
They don’t need some guy telling them how to behave. They are grown azz women and can think for themselves. Any woman that sits in a church like some brain dead sheep letting some guy like this fool in this video dictate to her, a grown azz woman, how to live her life and what to do, deserves to be controlled.
Even though some of the information that was given may be true, there was a lot that was nothing but opinion. What I know to be true is that there are a lot of single & divorced people in black churches as opposed to other races & ethnicities. However, that is absolutely no excuse for anyone to tell people not to go to church. First lets identify some of the reasons that one should go to church: 1. Learn about God, 2. Learn how to obtain a relationship w/ God, 3. Learn how to maintain a Christian lifestyle according to God’s Will, 4. to network or fellowship w/ other like-minded individuals to learn & grow from, and 5. to transform & constantly renew your mind according to the Word of God. I am a Christian living in the world trying my hardest not to be of the world. This is the reason why I said you have to constantly renew your mind according to the Word, otherwise, you will fall for the hype that Ms. Cooper wrote.
Now let’s get to the video that was posted inside the article. This Pastor Ken is absolutely correct in what he said. The Bible says that a man that FINDETH a wife findeth a good thing. Then he also said that in order to find something it has to be hidden. I’m going to say from my own experience that many times I’ve dated worldly men as a christian woman, and the relationships were based on sex, lies, and videotapes. I know that not only as a christian woman, but as a woman that I am worth more than that. Now let me inform you of something, I’ve learned from reading the Word, my relationship with God, and listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit that gives a message thru the Preacher that I am worth so much more. I’ve learned how to have high self-esteem. Oh yes ladies, you can learn how to have high self-esteem from the church and from the Word of God. The Bible is the road map to life. If you’re traveling and you don’t know how to get there then your going to use a map. Well, the road map or GPS (God’s Positioning System) to life is the Bible. The Bible has given me several examples of strong, virtuous, spiritual women. You don’t know who they are, then try reading it. The Bible teaches me that I am made in the image of God, and that I should model the characteristics of Christ. The attributes of Jesus makes a wonderful example of how a strong man or woman should be. So when you go to church and the Preacher tells you how to act, live, dress, or be; understand that this is because we are modeling ourselves after Christ. Now, God as made us free moral agents. You can cuss, go to the club, dress provactively, shoot dice, or whatever else it takes to make you (happy) if you want to. However, there is consequences to every action. A lot of the things of this world are just temporary fixes to insecurities that you have. Men have them too. Maybe it’s hard to find a good man because he masks his insecurities by doing these things that you say are just enjoyable to men.
I want to say that this article angered me because it is a way to turn people who need to turn to God away from God and the church. There are people who have hit rock bottom where no where else to turn who need to come to church. I want to tell people that you shouldn’t be so easily deceived by anyone, but continue to follow God’s will. Women if you are in search of a man, stop. I’ve learned from various teachings & the Word that just work on you and if that man’s heart is so into God then if you are there as well he will find you. This article just reminded me of how the serpent deceived Adam and Eve in the garden, and the downfall because of it. Don’t let everything you read stop you from believing what’s in your heart. This is Ms. Cooper’s opinion, meaning it is the opinion of someone in the world. Now you’ve gotten my opinion and I live in the world but I’m not of the world.
Not one of the things you listed as reasons to “go to church” are true. One can gain all those benefits and more from hanging at home with friends and family, or in the park, or at a sorority meeting. One does not need to GO TO CHURCH for spiritual enrichment, to learn about God, or to bond and mingle with others doing the same thing. It’s absolutely, positively NOT true.
Secondly, you can get angry if you wish. If you think that one person questioning how men in churches manipulate women has the power to “turn people who need God away from God and the church” then those people were weak to begin with and would have abandoned the church after awhile anyway. What you will find madam is that my opinion is reflective of a great number of people questioning the validity of the church and what it stands for… are they really getting much of anything out of their association with churches or are they giving more than they get to their own detriment.
You are of any world you live in dear. You don’t get it! Everytime you turn on a television, listen to a radio station, get on a subway, drink a Starbucks, eat at McDonald’s or Popeye’s you affirm your being in the world with the rest of us. Just because you read a bible and go to church does not make you special, unique or any more pure or more Christian than anyone else.
You keep imagining that crap about a man finding you while you are in church with 150 other women and no men in sight. You are living a fantasy that I hope you wake up from before you are too old to be considered as potential wife material.
The notion that a person can excel in spiritual growth without the church is talking sideways. That would be like going to your nearest hospital’s maternity ward, taking a newborn baby to the streets and telling them you were born, now figure life out. Nobody to teach them. Nobody to nurture them. Nobody to confort them. Nobody to protect them. Nobody to encourage them. This infant would have to brave storms and stand alone in an environment where no person should be alone. This is something that I would hope no one would ever endorse, yet, we are having this debate about spiritual growth and necessity. I don’t believe that you will ever find enlightenment sitting alone in a dark room, and because one of the components of spiritual growth is the ability to help others, it is not something that you can effectively accomplish venturing out solo, absent from the body of believers.
Secondly, there is a necessity to look at the big picture. The scriptures say seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. This is the agenda you accuse the black church of peddling. However, you eliminate the pursuit of God from your equation of measuring the church and its effectiveness in finding a mate. I really am trying to understand where you are coming from, but it seems like you are trying to make the church your competition and are slinging mud in a negative marketing campaign. Let’s even the playing field and lets talk about who is really gaining from the group Beyonce identifies as the single ladies. How about we base our hypothesis on some supported facts rather than hearsay that sounds really believable. (Your 98% of men in the church line should be supported by the groups that you chose to ignore and actually bolster for the popularity).
I think people can excel at anything they wish to without anyone’s assistance. A church is merely one way to grow spiritually, it is not the only way and for many not even the best. If a person is the type that needs someone to tell them what to do and how to do it, then a church may be the crutch they need.
Secondly, God is not imprisoned in a church. God is a spirit and freely available to anyone that seeks that energy. God can be found in hospital beds, in nursing homes, in prison camps and in jail cells. God can be found in the bathtub, on the park swing, or sitting by a lake. God is everywhere and no one need go through a Pastor or Minister to have access to God.
Organized churches with their rules and judgments about women are stifling to females. It is stifling to males too, which is why they don’t go! The church is hardly a competitor to me, I am not placing myself in the business of religion sir. My article is an opinion piece and I am entitled to have it, with those opinions formed based upon the 20 years of experience I have working with women and men worldwide. I stand by my statements.
I’m much more angry with the false and inaccurate teaching that Pastor Ken puts forward as Biblical “wisdom” than anything Deborrah Cooper says.
That video shows me that Pastor Ken has done little to no study of what the passage he quoted truly means. Also, please show me the actual Bible verse that says that a woman should be “hidden.” You can’t, because there is none. He stretched a verse to form his opinion… that doesn’t make it correct.
This is the type of thing I am talking about Lisa. This erroneous information is being transmuted to females all over the nation. They trust that their Pastor is leading them to God and is knowledgeable about scriptures. Then you find out your Pastor is a dumb bunny and was leading you in circles. lol!
lol @ Netta call herself coming on the blog site to ‘preach’ a sermon. She has totally swallowed the ‘church koolade’. She’s posted all that tripe trying to convince herself that the time/energy/proganda the pastor has been selling to her all these years is for real. After all if Netta wakes up and opens her eyes and realizes that ministers like that guy in the video are just talking a bunch of crock, she’d be mad as heck. We don’t wanna see a church going sistah get mad. She might go diary of a mad black woman on us… could be ugly!
I wonder if ststers outside of the church are fairing any better with brothers outside of the church? If a man is constructed to stand alone, as Miss Cooper proposes, then why would being absent from church make him feel the need for a woman? If he is to stand alone, he is to stand alone. (Yes, the thesis is flawed.) Yet I still lay the burden at the feet of the African American family and of African American fathers in particular. We must raise our boys to understand that true manhood includes respecting, honoring, being faithful to and loving a wife, providing for for the home without help from a wife, and being the primary teacher of and one who engages with his children. These are standards handed down from the Creator himself. A man who falls before God in humility will be granted grace and mercy to live out these standards. Any women would be blessed by such a man. Men like this are found in church pews all over the country, having found the death and resurrection of Christ to be sufficient power to save them from wretched, unfaithful (“player,” as Miss Cooper calls it) manhood, and to give them power to be strong men who can appreciate the strength of African American women. I still challenge men to be men:
Eric, I think most bm really want wives. However, most bw are not doing their part in learning their role as such or grooming themselves well enough to make men want to marry them.
@LotusBud
What a load of bullshit. Most BM want SLAVES not wives that are partners. They have subscribed to the nonsense that a woman must submit to them, be controlled by them, do their bidding, always look perfect like a magazine model or video babe, and not have a controverting opinion lest they be deemed to be less than quality wife and therefore the male believes he has the right to cheat on her or just use her for sex.
I don’t know what world you are living in, but if “most bm really wanted wives” then more bm would be married. These brothas ain’t no prize themselves so for you to think every bm deserves a 10 in wife quality is laughable. People need to stay in their envelope. The brothas that are a 3-5 on the scale of desirability have to pick from women that are in the 3-5 level. But that is not what they want. They want the 10 woman even though they don’t have the heat to get or keep such a woman. And since they believe they “deserve better” (though they have nothing to offer this better woman), they refuse to get married to the chick on their 3-5 level.
THIS is why bm are not married. They don’t want to give up their dream of perfection, nor have the responsibility and obligation of a wife. They just want the booty. Statistics showing the high number of divorces in the black community due to male infidelity, male spousal abuse, male irresponsibility, male emotional abuse, male abandonment prove that. And the statistics showing the high number of single parent homes in the black community due to bm not stepping up and marrying their women is also irrefutable evidence that your thinking on this inssue is off base.
The problem of women not finding a good man is more of a culture/social issue… It has only been “allowed” to run rampant in the church. I agree with RBJ, in that your word usage reeks of “Mad Black Women.” I was interested in why you felt that way, but by the time I got to the “Pew Study Results….” it was more entertainment. The question is… Why you mad..?? Black women..?? Why is you so mad??
Weez made cause youz can’t speek or write good english!! Get a grammer book and ask the question in proper english!! Then perhaps we will answer the question at hand.
Sadly, the root cause of this whole issue is we’re Christians – not necessarily followers of the philosophy, life and accomplishments of Jesus Christ.
The Bible tells us to SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS AND ALL THINGS WILL BE ADDED UNTO US.As Christians we interpret this to mean going to church, engaging in church activities, tithing, donating to pastor’s anniversary, etc. However, Jesus said the Kingdom of God is within. Jesus did NOT tell us that going to church, following its rules and idolizing the pastor will bring salvation or fulfillment.
The pharisees came to Jesus and asked where or what was the Kingdom of God and he told them that it is within a person, not viewable in this world. Luke 17:21.
Moreover, the purpose of Jesus was to brige the gap between God and man. When Jesus was crucified the viel of the temple was “rent in two”. This means that man could go directly to God wtihout a high preist. Tell me, why do people in 2010 still think they need DA PASTA to reach God? Jesus said God is no respector of persons. Why do we idolize ministers??
Our problem nowadays is we’ve become modern day Judiasm. We think the pastors word is the only information we can get from God. Also, we don’t cultivate a one on one relationship wth God. We go so far as to think that what the pastor says is more important than what God tells us directly within our hearts.
That being said, I believe we need to find spirituality and all people” men and women alike need to spend more time fasthing, meditating, and buidling our relationship with God. Church is helpful but it isn’t the end all be all;
I agree with some of the points raised in this article. Subltly far too many black women IDOLIZE their pastor, who serves as an emotional substitute for a healthy relationship with an available man.
WOW, REALLY?! I had to read your article twice to ensure I understood where you were coming from. I am an educated, successful married woman & also a Minister. My husband was devoted to God long before I & he does not fit the criteria you’ve stated. He is a good brother with a heart for God that prayed for my Salvation. The level of disdain you have shown, does lead one to believe you are angry, hurt or both! Here is my position, if you are going to church to seek a husband, you will not find him beacause you’re there for the wrong thing! One thing I think you should have addressed is men can smell desperation a mile away & will use it to their advantage. There are two important issues why most women cannot find a suitable husband and it has nothing to do with the church! First, “Dude” has made boys that he leaves to be raised by their mothers who, coddle them & act as if no woman will ever be goood enough for them. Then you have the woman that will do EVERYTHING for a man, including having sex with them before they even know their full name. The man WILL NOT marry them, he has no reason too. There is no gain for him because he is getting his milk without purchasing the cow. As a single woman, I refused to cook for, clean after or have sex with any man that was not my husband. Also, you could not come to my home for a date because I alone paid my cable, electricity, gas, etc and a man was not going to reap the fruits of my labor.
I am a beautiful, confident woman who loves God with all my heart! I was not approached a lot because I was deemed “High Maintenance” and men knew they had to be on top of their game to approach me. The Bible and church is a model of how we are to live. Proverbs 31:10-31 instructs me of the woman I should be & to value my worth! Matthew 6:33 tells me to seek God first , His kingdom & the righteousness of God & I shall have increase (emphasis added). Psalm 20:4 & Psalm37:4 reassures me God will give me the desires of my heart as long as I am submitted and faithful to Him. Proverbs 13:11, 17:16 & 22:7 to start advises how we are to deal with money. The bible & church does tell women to submit to their husbands, however, Collossains 3:15-19 states that wives & husbands are to treat each other with understanding, respect & love in the name of God!
I am curious as to where & when you met your husband. Church IS NOT the only place to meet a godly man, so no, women should not limit themselves. At the same time, all men that attend service do not have a heasrt for God. Women have to determine the type of mate they want, then asses the qualities they have to attract them! The church does many things, but keeping people oppresed is not one of them!!
Peace & Knowledge!
Thank you for visiting my site Minister Sunni. I have this to say. Though church and religion may be one model for how we are to live, people have to choose their own model, as there are many models out there. Your relationship with your husband is rare, and definitely not a part of what I quoted. These women are trying to get what you have dear, you don’t get it. They are in church praying and seeking a man and they have none – none to give the milk to, none to cook for, none to clean up after, and none to have sex with. They have no man. And that is the part you don’t seem to to get.
Secondly, this is not church so all that prostelyzing is unnecessary and off topic. Lastly, in your last paragraph you agree with me completely. Church is NOT the only place to meet a Godly man, so women should not listen to pastors or ministers that tell them to stay hidden and limit themselves. Nor should they assume that a man in church is in the 2% I mention, he is more likely one of the 4 guys to watch for in the 98% group. The church sadly does oppress women at every opportunity, which is why I am raising the alarm.
Well, May be surprising but I agree in large part with the sister as she calls it “Going to Church” or simply Religion does not have an
ability to transform in and of itself. The only thing that transforms anyone into what God purposed them to be is accurate and consistent
intake of the word of God.(Rom 12:2)
Religion is an evil system whereby man by his own efforts and merits attempts to gain salvation or the approbation of God. Christianity is a relationship with Jesus Christ, by grace through faith, EPH 2:8-9, and not a religious attempt to gain God’s favor through a human system of morality or avoidance of taboos. Trying to be spiritual by some moral code is religion, I will stop drinking, smoking, and cussing and that will make me spiritual. We are spiritual because God has made us spiritual by gifting us the Holy Spirit, and we are in the spiritual condition when we confess our known sins to God allowing us to be in fellowship with God (1Joh. 1:9)
Legalism is man’s futile attempt to gain salvation or to continue in God’s plan by way of some system of do’s and don’ts, i.e., human good for the purpose of gaining God’s approbation. Legalism is the opposite of grace and is therefore evil. This is the kind of system (“The Black Baptist Church”) that I grew up in, licensed and ordained but as any other system of legal code i.e. “Church Covenant” regardless of skin color or denomination it is all vanity.
So, going to church to find friends, or companions is not the answer, but not going to church and giving up on the plan of God is not the answer either. The pastor is not some sovereign deity that can dictate everyone’s life by telling them how they should live or what they should do with their lives, what you do and how you do it is between you and God. (Rom 14:4) The pastors job is to study and teach the word of God accurately and consistently to the point of exhaustion (I Ti 5:17) not police the lives of others by telling them what to do.
Remember it is never about the Man it is always about the Message.
The major problem is that a majority of churches are having Jesus Peep rally’s with a little watered down motivational speech on the end called a sermon so no one is being taught the word of God anymore it is all “High-Five yo neighbor, Ain’t God Allright, Stop sinning, and give yo 10% and God will bless you non-sense” So many people are led to believe if this person goes to Church certainly they must be “Good” yeah Judas was with Jesus for 3 ½ years and he was called the devil. People are easily deceived with kind words and sweet personalities and other plastic facades not because they want to be, but because they are ignorant of truth. The pulpit is unlearned meaning that teaching is not based on a literal interpretation of the scripture from the original languages or historical context and so you are left with made up or false doctrines.
Like to brother in the video, I believe he means well and is very sincere but sincerely wrong.
Example
One a “A man that finds a wife finds a good thing” the word finds in the Hebrew is Matsa’ which means to find, secure, acquire or to appear, be recognized. How it is used in this proverb 18:22 means when the woman of virtue appears to him he is trained in truth to recognize her and secure her as his own. Now we have to compare scripture with scripture, does this mean a man goes hunting for women? Well Gen. 2:24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Notice be joined this is in the passive voice meaning the subject receives the action of the verb he will be joined and become one, not go seek and join himself to someone. Or the law of first mention, when you want to know how something should work go to where it is first mentioned, Gen. 2: 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh ; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”
Now I don’t know what your Bible says but mind says that God brought her to the man, and not before he is ready. God has been teaching and training Adam up until this point and once he is matured enough spiritually or has the capacity God says here is your Helper (`ezer which is the same word God uses in several other places to describe himself, obviously not a bad thing to be a helper)
You don’t have to be a Hebrew or Greek scholar to know that when you are sleep unless you are sleep walking (another message) you are not going to find anyone.
So, Ladies no you can’t go anywhere to find a man Church, library, grocery store, clubs, pool hall, playing dominoes or talking $*&t (heck most of these is where you might find me LOL) because all you are going to find in your searching is disappointment. There is no successful relationship attained outside of the plan of God. Once you have developed a right relationship with God through learning consistent and accurate doctrine, then and only then can you look forward to having a right relationship with anyone else.
The man learns and understands that he is to Love his wife and Christ loved the Church and gave his LIFE for her, a real man though not perfect and without failures is willing to give his life, and in turn the women learns she is to respect her husband not as some slave master but as the Provider, Priest, and Protector that God made him to be. The authority is God given not man orchestrated, and the women is under the authority not dictatorship of the man as some door mat, not because she is less than but because it is the divine order and so you are more of the precious diamond that is being covered and protected by the door mat who is punched, spat on, and mistreated all for you just as Christ did for the Church.
In HIS Power
Pas J Michael
1. Christianity isn’t about dating. It is about Jesus. Jesus who made women a central part of His work on Earth. Admittedly the Christian church has become an institution that in many places drifts from the priorities set by our Savior, but the church is about saving souls from the condemnation of sin and changing lives for the better. Church is not meant to be the place for people to hook up, so judging the worth of a house of worship on a sister’s chance of meeting Mr. Right is missing the whole point. It would be like a gunshot victim selecting an emergency room based on the likelihood of finding a boyfriend or an unemployed person applying for jobs only at places where there is a high percentage of potential mates.
2. Consider the connection between the absence of Black men in church and the absence of “good” Black men in general. Church is not the cause of the problem, but rather an indicator of the true cause. The lack of a spiritual foundation and spiritual maturity that leads brothers to devalue women, to abandon a sense of honor, and to live self-destructive lives is the same malaise that leads them to discount the faith. In theology we call this “sin.”
3. If the objective is to liberate women from the legacy of patriarchal oppression, telling them to make “finding a man” the center of their universe seems counterproductive. If even a sister’s spiritual path is dictated by the hunt for a man, then you make all men god to all women. (Now who’s preaching submission.)
Christianity is too about dating sir. Its focus is on marriage, union, and creating a family by having sex and children within marriage. Have you not told your congregation of females “a man that finds a wife finds a good thing?” Don’t you think those ladies want to be that GOOD THING? If a woman does not date, she will not have the opportunity to get to know if a man is right for her, if his words back up his actions, if he is truly a believer and if he would be a proper husband for her. She would date a Christian man so that she would have the opportunity to marry and create the family the scriptures find favor with, right?
Certainly there are problems with the Black men in the community. But since the church has always been the cornerstone of the Black community, establishing guidelines and providing spiritual guidance – if these young men are lawless and rude, whose responsibility is it if not that of the church? Too many Black church leaders are like you sir, throwing up your hands instead of rolling up your sleeves.
If there is an absence of good Black men in general in the Black community, what is the church, the spiritual leaders of the community, doing about that problem? There is a church on just about every corner in most Black communities but with all the money you take in every week, what are you doing to change things? You may say that you are not the cause of the problem, but I say you are. Somewhere and for some reason the Black church has abdicated its responsiblity to young Black men and women, and left them to hang on their own.
I am not unilaterally in favor of women getting married, which I said in my article The Cons of Marriage. But if a woman deeply and truly wants a husband in her life to feel complete, and she wants a man that holds a similar belief system, she should have that man. She deserves that love and emotional security. And you need to make sure that all avenues to achieve that blessing are open to her, not blocked for the convenience and financial gain of the church.
Church is about relationship, finding balance and Christ or ones higher power! Before one can be healthy for another, one must get rid of those things causing destruction or self–destruction. As soon as someone new comes into the church, the vultures and the radars come out! The church service itself is NOT the time to be displaying such behavior – that is what the social events come into play. Often, people, mainly women feel guilty for doing things that are outside of the “walls” of the church, i.e. vacation, spending quality time with family, exercising, doing healthy things, enjoying the beautiful creation of nature, etc. Its funny how some individuals devout claim to have the “right” relationship with their Higher Power BUT self-destructs and cannot relate positively or healtyhy towards others – this includes many religious leaders. Sad to say, I have heard men not all but some say that they go to church to find a “bad girl,” or an “undecover sinner!”
Church is beautiful and can be liberating but it is as beautiful and liberating as its leaders. My suggesstion is that women should not stop going to church but find balance in their life to include other outside church healthy endeavors.
The tone of the article, or word choices the author used to present the assessments and conclusions were a little too strong in my opinion. Milder language should’ve been used by the author because as a writer, if your objective is to reach out and educate people of your opinions, then you should speak in the most accepting way possible to increase the chance that your ideas will reach those who would typically be either closed minded or confrontational towards what you are trying to say. What good are you as a writer if you are just trying to entertain those who will probably agree with you anyways? What good are you as a writer if you are just trying to poke at a sensitive issue just to stir a hornet’s nest with the use of strong confrontational language that will only attract the responses of strongly confrontational people who are usually the least open minded kind of people to try to educate or gain some understanding with? The topics and information in this article were very interesting none the less, but the tone of the article makes me question the writer’s actual intent. Was the author trying to give and gain understanding about this issue or just entertain? Church should be a place for spiritual/emotional/social development and learning, not a place for hiding from reality/or learning dysfunctional habits towards seeking out mates/or manipulating people who respect your position of influence. That’s the conclusion I drew from all the points touched in that article. I honestly couldn’t disagree with a lot of the data and personality characteristics that the article presented. The article was more like a confirmation of behavior I’ve already witnessed, that’s why it’s so interesting to me. Yes it generalizes issue that can only be discussed and worked out on a case by case basis, and yes it has a woman bashing undertone to it, but I couldn’t disagree with a lot of the stuff that was said. One thing I am certain of is that our generation needs to start openly discussing issues like this if we want to become better people.