The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
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Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
I met my husband in church. He is a wonderful, strong, intelligent, black man and an outstanding father. This article is full of wrong conclusions, misunderstandings, and misinformation. First of all, the problem of too many black single women has more to do with the incarceration rates, death rates, addiction rates, and unemployment rates that are rampant among black men than because black women are hidden away in church where the men can’t get to them. Secondly, the Biblical meaning of submission is misunderstood. It states in Ephesians 5:21 that Christians should “submit” to one another. That means that we should honor each other, respect the other person as self, and value that person’s opinions and feelings. It does not mean be a doormat and rollover for anything anyone tells you. Quite the contrary. It is a way to build strong marriages, strong relationships, strong communities. God’s word will never steer you wrong. And Jesus Christ is the Word of God made flesh, who died on the cross to take on all the punishment that you and I deserve!
Since you are married, this article isn’t about YOU. Glad you met someone. Now be honest and tell me how many single women are in your church that have been single for years waiting to meet someone? Get back to me on that.
Black unmarried single women in church… I have heard and probably will always and continually hear different perspectives on the subject.
First of all, I believe that church, whether composed of 100% blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics, Africans, Middle-Easterns, or is mixed races (had to include everyone), is a place where people come to worship God, and commune with other belivers in God, to strengthen each other in their faith. And, a church is not just a building, let’s get that straight. Their is no address to God’s house.
Secondly, I do agree with some of what was written, about how black women may be confused in their expectations from what they believe that the church is supposed to give them, relationship-wise. But, where is the fault placed for their misconception? I believe that it should be placed on that person who has not studied the word of God, but has put their faith in a pastor’s words and opinions, and not in God.
So in essence the church is not at fault, but the listener who has not studied the word. I wish that all women who want a Godly husband, to be blessed with their desires. But, I also want to marry a Christian supermodel… some things just most likely aren’t going to happen. Not all women are going to find what they seek, but if you keep your mind and heart on the Lord, you will be fulfilled with an eternity of blessing in His kingdom.
Do you realize you are talking out of both sides of your neck Jason? The church is VERY MUCH AT FAULT for setting women up with these “misconceptions” you mention. How dare you excuse these men of lying and manipulating what you believe to be the word of God, but you don’t blame them for doing it. No, you blame women for listening to them and putting their faith in their spiritual leader’s words, their pastor’s words. What kind of monkey shit is this you are talking?
You Christian men kill me with this blaming women shit. You started with Eve and you haven’t let up yet. If a man is lying, especially doing it up in church, you ought to be indignant, furious at him, irate even. But no, you calmly sit there and point the finger of blame at women instead.
“Break free of the chains of mental control promoted by the Black church and look around! Broaden your horizons and explore other options for romance.”
BA BAM!
Ms Cooper. This is an EXCELLENT article. I commend you on your bravery and common sense.
I have Just control D’d you.
Stay True!
Great article,
I’m a man who didn’t grow up in church so I’ve observed church behavior objectively for some time. Deborrah, I commend you for being bold enough to write this article knowing how ‘we’ feel about the church. Blacks are so spooked and scary about touching any subject criticizing the church it just amazes me.
I don’t subscibe to male bashing, but you hit it on the head on the 4 types of single (some married too) men found in the church who attend service regularly.
Funny how I was just telling my teenage son why men don’t attend church regularly like black women. We’re just not trying to hear most of that mess every weekend. You’re just not going to beat a real man over the head with the same old guilt complex sermons.
Hi Deborrah,
Your article was bittersweet! In a way it was enlightening but also deceiving. It was enlightening to know that yes, it seems like there is a lot of single women in the church, men lurking for their next prey, Pastors brainwashing you. But even if those women didn’t go to church they would have the same problems. You need common sense and a balance in your life to get a man and according to the article, they don’t! In everything you do there is “order”! And these particular women that’s being described in this article, don’t have their life in order or have a healthy balanced life! The only reason why you should be in church like that is if you wok there and is getting paid for it! Or at least be in church like that temporarily! Your right, constantly being in church is ridiculous because God is everywhere and He doesn’t have to just bless you in church to get a man. But if it wasn’t the church brainwashing them, it would be a womanizer brainwashing them, possibly a lesbian or maybe even a pimp. They also would get stuck in a lifestyle of spending money beyond their means, giving their bodies up in exchange for a broken relationship, or constantly have a man’s baby to keep him in their lives hoping for marriage! And they would be stuck in that cycle just like their stuck in the cycle of constantly attending church for a man! Do you really think they would be married if they weren’t going to church? LOL! I think not! Some people think that the church will solve all their problems but the church is there to HELP you solve your problems with men, not the church exactly solve the problem completely all by its self. They need to get their life together and it starts with one decision!
See, you are making a lot of assumptions and jumping to conclusions and making judgments about women you don’t even know. You assume that if they didn’t go to church they would have the same problems and that someone else would be brainwashing them. I disagree vehemently.
The key point you seem to be missing is that blind faith in those who proclaim themselves to be spiritual leaders is encouraged in this highly religious society – really, its expected. Even the most street savvy woman relinquishes her suspicious nature once she walks up into “God’s House.” So your assumptions are flat out wrong, extremely judgmental and very dismissive. You even do the typical nasty slam and bring lesbianism into it. SMH.
I am the daughter of a minister. I grew up in an EXTREMELY traditional church environment; hearing the whole tip about wives obey your husbands, being submissive, being equally yoked. In my particular denomination, being equally yoked meant I could only marry someone of the same denomination. Lord forbid he was a Baptist. I learned at a very early age to look suspiciously on the people delivering these messages, because as my 80 year old submissive mother told me just the other day: these men were drilling home this stuff because they were trying to control their own wives. They never preached or taught on the balance of these issues; the male responsibility to the female. If abstinence was taught at our youth assemblies the message was always “Girls, keep your panties up. Don’t let these boys get in your panties.” Never once did I hear someone preaching to the boys to keep it in their pants.
Again this was my particular experience. That said I still attend church every Sunday and I’m active with my singing group in particular. I learned a long time ago to study and understand for myself and I attend for my own sense of spiritual enrichment. Beyond that I strive to live a balanced life outside of church. I think your article gives a view into a larger problem with churches as a whole. Not all churches; but a lot suffer from being large social organizations and do not teach true spirituality.
Miss Cooper expressed her opinion and it is received! I have experienced and lived within the flawed system of the CHURCH (not just the black church). We are taught to be submissive in hope of the good things that will come our way. Well no body tells you in the church, that if that good man goes bad after not truely revealing his history and values masked by church mentality. When you go home the rules change with the attitude.What you get is what you got and you can’t just throw it back! You are told to stick it out. Keep quiet and pray. Many a women have suffered unnecessary physically and emotionally because of the the ‘CHURCH’ teachings. Even female pastors are confused by the language of ‘LOVE’ taught in church. Love covers a multitude of faults, but if there are bruised bodies and minds involved, somebody get’s nailed to across and not as a saviour but a sacrifice, the other partner get’s to go on pretending. I’m saying the CHURCH has failed women and men; black and white check the status! The teaching is pretty much the same, the only difference’s are economic status and history.
WE the people need to come out of the CHURCH ( the building) and establish small accountable groups that will make a true difference in how people learn about God and His true place and purpose in their lives. There are too many towers of Babal (vertical and horizontal) they still deceive the same. You cannot acheive true relationship with God focused on a building and it’s
social group. Acheiving change takes guts and very few people sincerely. There are people hiding out in the CHURCH, all they have to do is show up and play a part for a few hours a week. I have held various postions within the CHURCH and helped other churches’ establish ministries and the wolves show up (male and female). The veil that covers the church blinds desperate souls to the true structure of man’s control which escapes the spiritual. The difference is emotional attachment to the structure bringing on submission. We sell out to the hype and call it spiritual. When God is really needed, the people are taught they failed because the failed to believe. We need truth and change.
My sister, you sound angry. Who did you? It sounds like you got played and now the blogs has given you an outlet the express your view. Hmmm, I want to know who this Ol’ skool playa that got you. It is interesting…
A woman can’t be angry at how other women are treated? She has to have been played to speak up against dumb ass men that try to pimp women and use their resources and energy? No one hurt me, but I see a lot of men hurting OTHER women and I am sure gonna speak up about the shit and expose these users for the chumps they are. Why Black people always want to say a woman that speaks up against bullshit is (1) bitter; (2) angry or (3) been hurt is just stupid. Yall really need to open your minds.
Wow… that was some article. personally… I am a black woman .. in a church that does not have that many of the other ethnicity in our church… but I don’t know who wrote that article.. but If they came to my PEW .. I would have told them that I wait on the Lord bc when I was not saved.. I was in relationships where men did not know if they wanted to be with me or the next grl down the street. If they were in my PEW…. I would have told them I am waiting on a Husband.. because the divorce rate in America is so high… If they were in my PEW… I would have told them that I was waiting because marriage is sacred… and I was thru 10 yrs aqo w/sleepin with someone that was not my husband… If they were in my PEW …I WOULD HAVE TOLD THEM I AM WAITING ON GOD.. bc I will never b the one to wake up to someone that is crazy til death due us part.. and Lastly, If they were on my PEW… I would have told them that I am a treasure and I don’t share with just anyone.. and that if they don’t complement my present.. they will definetly not complement my future….and for the record… I’m not Lonely… I’m busy about my fathers business… the problem is they were probably in the CHURCH….
Its good to find the man you deserve, and to wait to have sex until you are married. Is yo man doing the same thing, or is he just expecting that YOU will be the one keeping your legs closed and sexually frustrated while he is screwing everything that will have him? Also, check divorce stats for religious folks. You will see that in the entire Bible belt, the divorce rate is higher than it is in non-religious states. So waiting on God to bring you a husband so you can get married is no guarantee that you will STAY married. Women need to know that too.
As a HAPPILY single Black Christian woman, I believe that your article is based on stereotypes and generalizations. In the Bible, it says that we are not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers”. I’ve even known Christian women (of different races) who’ve dated non-Christian men and were unhappy. If our happiness matters most, then why settle for a non-Christian man? Heck, what’s wrong with being single? In the Bible, God calls for some Christians (male and female) to be single to serve Him. Many single people (including women) can do a lot of great work for our community. Like I said, I’m happily single, and if I am single for the rest of my life, I’m sincerely fine with that.
Furthermore, I have known many Black Christian men who went on to marry Black Christian women. The predominantly Black church that I currently attend contains a majority of Black couples. The majority of the ministers board are WOMEN. With all due respect, I believe you are not speaking for ALL Black churches in America.
I agree with you on the possibility of finding a mate that is outside our race, but to say that a single Black woman who goes to church is a waste of time is ABSOLUTELY FALSE. Many single Black Christian women, including myself, go to church to fellowship with other believers, to strengthen our relationship with God, and to serve Him and His people. Also, a good Bible-based church is supposed to restore the broken people. So who are you to judge “a loser working a 12-step program”. He is seeking the Redeemer of our souls, and that is to be commended!
I sincerely hope that my comment can bring insight on the real deal with single Black Christian women. God bless you.
Deborrah,
While I applaud your courage in attempting to discredit the Church and what it stands for, I must conclude from your article that you were writing from a place of anger and bitterness with the Church. I’m not sure which churches you have attended and I don’t think that minimizing your experiences at these places of worship is necessary to prove that these experiences are not true for all churches.
Perhaps you went to the wrong churches. My experience has not been anything like you described in this article and I have been in church since I was about 3 years old.
Not once have I been under the leadership of a Pastor and First Lady that did not allow Black Women to lead or to have positions of influence, that condoned women being at a man’s beck and call and being in complete subservience to a man, or that shamed women for fornicating.
True, fornication is a sin according to the Bible, but I’ve never seen anyone called out or publically judged for such actions. Ministry leaders are expected to adhere to the teachings of the Word of God. Should it come to light that they are not living right, they are to get themselves right with God and to, basically, take a time out to refocus (if they are wanting to continue in ministry).
Many Black men believe that if they go to church they will be told what to do, but the ones who go to my church end up realizing that it’s really not about finger-pointing. Church is simply a place for like-minded people to worship together under the teaching of the Word of God. It is not a spiritual court room.
The men that actually go to church are from different walks of life. Many that go are the types of men that most women would want to date. Your percentage of 98% of the men falling into your four categories is simply not true at all.
How would you know what Christian women do in their spare time since you aren’t one? Many Christian women do not sit around their homes twiddling their thumbs, praying for a man. Just because you copyrighted an article based on your negative experiences and distorted opinions does not make it true. Many Christian women go out and have fun with friends and meet wonderful men in the process. Perhaps you shouldn’t be so narrow-minded and so judgmental of Black Women.
Yawn. We are not talking about YOU. What is it with you chicks that get all fluffy and huffy because YOUR life is not like the millions of other Black women that I am talking about? Whose lives fit this article like a mold? Who are confused and wondering what to do about the church they love that is not meeting their needs and making them feel bad? If it doesn’t apply to YOU then be quiet. The article isn’t about YOU.
I am just wondering who are the millions of Black women you are talking about and how you went about interviewing them to get your conclusions. Not saying I agree or disagree with you, but it is interesting that none of the women were quoted regarding their own experiences. I’m just sayin…
If this were that type of article, quotes from women would be appropriate. It is not. This is an opinion piece and the only opinion of importance in it is mine. Thanks.
if you pay attention to my initial comment, I mentioned nothing about what religion I am. Christian, Muslim, Mormon or Catholic has nothing to do with it. My point is don’t blame the church because you cant find a man. Its not the churches fault. If your topic isn’t about religion, then don’t put it in the tiltle. Your title insinuates that “The Black Churches are Keeping Black Women Single and Lonely” thats what i’m talkin about. Don’t point fingers at the church just so your article can draw article can draw attention! If you want to have a “Contreverting Opinion” again, I could care less. It has nothing to do with Christianity. I could be an Atheist, but next time, blame the men IN the church and not the Church itself.
It IS the church’s fault. It is the fault of the men that run the church. It is the fault of the men that refuse to go to church. It is the fault of the men that tell women to wait on the Lord to bring them a husband, instead of telling them that they have the God-given right to love and the support of their church in finding it outside of their walls and that equally yoked crap.
I have the right to say whatever the hell I want to say. Like I said, you can have a controverting opinion, but don’t you DARE tell me what to do, how to write, or how to say whatever the hell I want to say. You don’t run nothing here.
If all your saying is that you are trying to “HELP my Sistahs see that they are wasting their time looking for a man of God in church” Thats fine, however the majority of your article reads as if black women are wasting time listening to the brainwashing word at church as if the word is what is holding them back. Thats why im offended. But again if that not what you were driving for, I apologize for any fowl words in my previous comment.
Listening to the brainwashing word IS holding them back. They are praying for things to be delivered to them waiting and waiting instead of getting up and making it happen. You know, the old “God helps those that help themselves” thing. But that is another argument. Thanks for responding.
You are obviously a dip shit who sins with no religion. How dare you blast the Lords House for being responsible for bad relationships? Thats not the churces job. We as black men and women need to take the responsibilty for that. If we as black men would stop having kids with multiple women, living negatively and start striving for success, it will change our mindset, flourish our community and change the way the world views us. If you as black women would stop falling for bullshit, stop letting men have their way with you, stop being so damn gullable and work towards independence without being so damn “I don’t need a man about it” and learn how to love and treat a good man when you have one. Then maybe the whole relationship between black man and black woman would have more positive examples instead of the countless “Baby Daddy” stories that are out there now. Point Blank, change your fuckin Morals Dumbass! Pay attention to whats being said at church. Matter fact go to a white Christian Church, a Catholic Church, Mormon, Muslim all of the above and there preaching the same thing and the MAJORITY are telling women to be submissive to their man. Even GAY churches encourage submission to your partner!!! Dont bring god into it, Dont Blame Black Churches, Don’t Blame the reverend, Blame the individual for their life choices. Matter of fact, Blame yourself for you lack of Common Sense then go back and Blame your mama for not taking you to church enough when you were younger. After your done with all that, go back and Thank God for your life and your accomplishments, give him the glory and repent for asking Black Women to stay out of the Church.
Have A Blessed Day
Better to be a dip shit that sins with NO religion than one that sins WITH religion like most folks up in church every Sunday, don’t you think? I don’t care what you say about anything sir. You want to write on a blog that says something else, have at it! It kills me how you supposed to be “good Christian folks” have the audacity to tell people that they cannot have a controverting opinion to yours, like your version of the world and life and God is the only one with validity.
You went off on some tangent, talking about stuff that has nothing to do with the article. A single woman has no man, so all your advice about how to treat and be submissive to her man doesn’t apply. You want someone to be submissive, why don’t you do it…. I mean since you think its such a great concept and all.
Black women do not need to waste their time sitting in church giving their money to some fool. They need to be doing things to advance themselves and their lot in life, and make things better for themselves and their families. Church, I repeat, is a waste of time.
Deborrah,
I feel you. I think everyone who read this article and were angry were the people that felt most convicted about it. From my interpretation, you said if you are waiting on a “good man” to drop into the church, you will be waiting a long ass time. For real, I used to be one of those lonely single women sitting up in the pews lying to myself, and not living my life or having fun, turning my back on friends because they were “sinners”…all of that. But when I realized one day that everything I was doing had NOTHING to do with GOD, and everything to do with the CHURCH, I immediately stopped going. And today, I am married with 2 kids, and quite happy. So to everyone that thinks that this blog is trying to bash the church, yeah so what!! Everyone in the church is not the Saint that you think they are, and those “Good Black Men” are walking right on by.
Exactly Moneeka, that is exactly what I am saying to my Sistahs. Not sure why so many people object to me speaking truths. It really seems they are more angry that I had the nerve to speak out against Black churches and the corruption and mind control games that go on there than they are anything else. Black folks like to keep their dirty laundry private.