The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
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Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
Hi Deborrah,
First, I would like to commend you for writing this article. It takes courage to write on this topic.
Second, most things that people are passionate about come from personal experiences or inspiration from hearing someone else story. My personal opinion, but it does seem like you are passionate about this topic if you intend to write two more parts and so on. So, I wonder are you writing about this topic from a place of personal pain, or something your mother, sister, or friend went thru? Have you witnessed children not being taken care of, because their single mother was in church?
Whatever the case, I’m sorry you feel this way about the “black church” and “single black females.” I also wonder if you have spoken with the black women in “black churches” who are married and married to black men. They were all once single. Have you heard their hearts and understood the things they have been thru in life.
I find your comment on a loser working a 12-step program to be somewhat ironic. Because you are 100% correct. If fact both men and women come to GOD, because they NEED something to believe in..something bigger than themselves when they finally realize they cannot make it on their own. Yes, we were all weak and confused and need help, but once we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior….we are strong in Christ and full of wisdom and knowledge.
I also wonder why a “real man” can’t or shouldn’t ask for help. Everyone needs help and will continue to need help. And lastly, you mentioned that you have been to dozen of churches all over studying men and studying them hard, lol. Well, it’s like the old saying you will always find what you are looking for. If you looking for flaws in people, you are always going to find them, because no is perfect. But I think if you would have listened to the sermon or studied the word or talked and got to know some of these people you are judging, you would have found God and got to see His beauty inside of everyone!
Peace and love.
You are my sister in Christ and He is after you with all His heart.
Jackie, you must have missed the part where I said (repeatedly), that my background is that of a dating and relationship advice expert which is something I’ve been doing for almost 20 years. This has nothing to do with me personally at all, but it does come from my work and the hundreds of thousands of people I’ve interacted with over the past 2 decades.
Your interpretation of what I write is that I am down on single women which is a total misunderstanding of the content of the article. I am writing what I wrote because I am trying to HELP my Sistahs see that they are wasting their time looking for a man of God in church. If one is a gambler (which I am), the odds on that bet are not winning odds, they are of a loser.
It’s fine that folks are in 12 step programs, but no woman that didn’t mess up should have to settle for some loser dude “trying” to get himself together. He needs to be on point and have his shit TIGHT before he even thinks about stepping to a sistah. That’s all I’m saying. She deserves better than some shaky ass half together don’t know which end is up fool!
Male egos require that they see themselves as men – competent, secure, strong. A man always whining and asking someone to help him does not meet that criteria. That is why you see few men in church. And I never said I studied men in church hard. I said I looked at them and know what I saw. Since there are so few, it wasn’t a rocket science project requiring spreadsheets and statistical analysis. Old fuckers, gay fuckers, pimps and players, and confused ex-crackheads. Who needs any of those?
Yeah, maybe I too read the article incorrectly or took it in the wrong spirit but it seemed a little like there was some anger directed at the church and religion. I am a 22 yr old and I have had my share of sin etc. Some of the information you provided about what types of men can be found in church are correct but to suggest that women should forget about church is out there. Firstly, if you are going to church in order to find a man then you might as wll go home because you are already there for the WRONG reason. Going to church is something that should be done to help you learn the word of God (which you should also know for yourself), Secondly, the church does not stop anyone from going to clubs, parties etc, THE WORD does. If you have a relationship with God then you are convicted when you do something that is wrong and though I hear about people from church being here or there, I do not go there because i know what God commands and requires of me. I will always conduct myself in a way that is pleasing to God and when I am in the right place with myself then I know I will be open to receive the companionship of a man. For the bible tells me that a MAN who finds a WIFE finds a good thing. So no, I don’t feel like I have to step out from the covering of God to search for any man and I most certainly am not expection one to magically appear on my doorstep (but God COULD do that if he wanted). The bible also says, that in all things we should acknowledge God and He will direct our path so though much of the statistics may be correct, at the endo of the day, it should not be about THE CHURCH (which mine is headed by a WOMAN) but it’s about God first and foremost. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. My advice would not be to get off your knees and head to a club but to remain on/get on your knees and seek the heart of God. For when you rest in the heart of God, the man God has Prepared for you will know exactly where to find you.
Wow. Harsh. Funny. And makes many accurate points. Her analysis is not universally true but uncomfortably more on point than we would like to believe. Go head with the inconvenient truths!
Deborrah didn’t you say that there is only weak men in the church? Then why would “men (since most of them are not in church) expect women to carry the primary responsibility for the marriage and joint household, because aren’t men outside of church the strong ones? The ones that want to love you and take the responsibility for the marriage? So it seems like you can have a bad marriage even if you’re not in the church and no one is perfect and we all have our flaws that’s why Jesus died for our sins. I have to say that I am very surprised that the article was articulate, since your responses have sounded extremely ignorant, bitter and defensive. The “PEW research” made generalizations about Black people and your interpretation was so off. By the way, if 90% of black people believe in God then wouldn’t that make the majority of Black men as well? So “the good Black men” may not all be in the church, but they do have some Christian faith. Also, i am assuming that you are a feminist, but the whole article makes the assumption that most women want to be married….isn’t that against the feminist principles you believe? And why would you get married and carry the reponsibility of the marriage anyways, usually feminist want to be equal and but not “be the man.” But the Bible does require men “good men” ….”real men” to carry the primary responsibility of the family, to give direction and protect the family. To leave an inheritance to the family….. to love the wife as he love himself. But you probably didn’t know that. I find it very interesting how most people that criticize the church never has picked up the Bible to research what it says. If you want to have an educated persuasive opinion you should actually know what the Bible says and then make arguments against what it may say according to your belief. Your “opinions” even though you try to be persuasive was highly generalized. Also, what I don’t understand is that people say Christians aren’t open-minded but fault us because of what we believe that sounds pretty close-minded. Actually practice what you preach (false preacher….the Bible does warn “us” about false preachers like you in the End Times) and be open minded and let us believe what we believe without you trying to “convert” us. I can see the difference in the Christians that responded and your reply you can explain yourself without cursing and being rude the people that responded didn’t curse at you and disrespect you and you should do the same, because after all it is JUST an opinion so don’t be so defensive if you think your right. God bless you. I pray that the Jesus that died for my sins and yours touches your heart the way He did mine.
No, that is not what I said about the men in church at all. Go back and read it again.
First of all, you have the right to your opinion. The church has never discouraged marriage. the church has discouraged sin and fornication. Setting yourself up to fall; as in making room for the flesh. We have encourage good wholesome living and marriage and they that choose to have such can’t fall for the four persons that you speak of. Unfortunately, we will never promote being unequally yoke with the yoke of bondage. A believer with an unbeliever is not the option. Getting the men of the world to step up to becoming the real men that God intended them to be is what the the true issue is. It has never been the intentions of the church to make the black woman feel inferior to men. There has definitely been somemisunderstandings of the scriptures, but todays church has certainly overcome those obstacles. We grow in grace! We do encourage good marriages and that if one’s pastor discerns a certain man pattern. He will warn the other person of the wolf in sheeps clothing. The ultimate goal of the church is that our women don’t fall in the traps of the devil or of his imps. Those with the intentions to pull servants of Christ away from their belief! One has the right to his/her opinion, but the consequences are more greater than imaginable. Women being taught to be independent and self motivators is not a bad thing. we encourage the people of God not to fall into sin to satisfy the flesh! It is not worth the pay. For the wages of sin is death! That’s what we da and always will beilieve! This is our eternal stand!
Why should Nubian queens hook than wagon up to no other than an Nubian King (Warrior). Travel beyond these USA shores and you will find that Nubian King. . I denounce this notion that for us to have a mate it must be someone from another race. Bulls_____.
Nubian Qieen
I was brought up in the black church. Deborrah is SPOT ON with ALL of her observations. More people need to employ some criticial thinking skills. Consider, just for one moment, that the bullshit we were raised to believe was meant to control and subjugate, and placate.
Deborrah, thanks for your well-reasoned commentary.
I agree with most of her article, I found it on Black Voices,,,
this is what I had to constantly repeat o my daughter who is very religious and at one point said she would only date a man that is saved:
“”some women will choose a deceptive man who goes to church over a good man who does not. We all know that going to church does not necessarily make you an ethical person or a good husband. “”
I told my daughter a man in the church is no better than the man in the street, and sometimes the man in the street may be better cuz at least he is not frontin…
I am not saying all men in church are bad, but too many are gay, have wives and are having affairs with women in the congreation, some even have got women pregnant from affiars..
I agree, I think she is on point, I have a sister who give money to the church, but won’t pay her phone or electric bill, house is a wreck, but is shouting she loves the Lord every Sunday in chuch..
Tell it girl!
I agree with most of what you posited in the article, because I figured all this out about 10 years ago. I vowed never to go to another singles’ meeting or conference in anybody’s church and I have remained true to that. I have been ‘kicked’ out of churches by male leaders whose sexual advances I spurned or who figured I would not go there with them. I have a real calling to teach God’s word and I still to some degree do that, but evidently church folks ain’t ready for the real. So,,,I stay home on Sundays much to my Baptist preaching mother’s heartache, but I refuse to allow church crap and church folk taint or break my spirit. Jesus knows about these messed up churches & why I really don’t want to go unless and until I absolutely have to. 🙂
GOING TO CHURCH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FINDING A MAN..it should be about showing respect to god. Im not one to bash the bible at someone or one of those stuck up christians because i am young..a woman should have faith that god will bring them the right one…WITHOUT GOD IN YOUR MARRIAGE THEN WHAT KIND OF MARRIAGE IS IT….that’s why so many marriages fail because the woman and the man are constantly competing with each other on the success ladder….just because all of the fine sexy and good looking men that we LUST are not at church dosent mean we can’t find any at church…god will bring you what you want OUTSIDE or INSIDE church…and last time i checked PATIENCE was a virtue and clearly patience was not shown here …. As for giving up the BLACK CHURCH…where are we suppose to go if we were brought up in the BLACK church??????????? We sure as hell cant turn catholic, and we aint Hindu…..The main point of this is….that if you go to church with materialistic things on your mind then of course god is not gonna give it to u
good evening all..1)to the two individuals who mentioned the nicean creed and king james,pleeeeeeze conduct a tad bit more research-these 2 entities had nothing to do with the actual Word….2)there is not one iota of scripture that relegates us(black folks), women in particular, to an inferior state, not one!!– 3)biblical submission does not, i repeat does not , equal inferiority, weakness, etc- again, when understood properly, not one iota of scripture to support this ludicrous ideology that has been disseminated by many anti Bible, anti church, anti Yeshua folk, and so forth.. 4)to those that feel some christians are judgemental,calling a spade a spade is not being judgmental, not in the malicious ,hypocritical sense the Word condemns.. 5) as for the article itself, because it is rooted in a spectacular display of admitted biblical ignorance, i have no comment
You SHOULDN”T have a comment because the bible isn’t the topic of the article. The topic is single women in the church and what they are doing about finding a husband. Now y’all went all off on some other shit with your King James and Nicean Creed conversations and that’s fine. But the topic of the article has never been about the bible. Bible thumping Christians I find to be some of the most condemning, judgmental, haughty, jealous, nasty attitude having, get on my f’n nerves people that I’ve ever met. I would never go to church. I see enough of you all online.
wow, it seems that the only positive responses you have are to people wh have praised your aticle and to others you have lashed back with anger and profanity. Indeed, you may not have based this article on the bible but we can say that by saying many of the things you did in the article, you displayed a lack of knowledge and respect for God, the Word of God and The Church (which has nothing to do with a physical building). I could go on but it’s late, I have already been in my word so before bed I gotta get on my knees.
You obviously didn’t read ALL the comments and my responses, otherwise you would know not to waste your time typing that lie. Secondly, my article was not about God or knowledge of the Bible, it was about the women that go to church and who they listen to when they are there and how they are being used by the men that run these businesses you all place next to Godliness called “churches.”
You read the article (so you say), but you really don’t get it. In one respect you are correct, I have no respect for churches at all. NONE. ZERO. ZILCH. None for any group thing that lulls people to sleep with rhetoric spoken in a hypnotizing cadence and songs to reinforce the hypnotic trance.
You confuse God with a church lady. The two are very different. And man made religion is not faith in God. Two very different things entirely. You need to go to bed. Hopefully you will wake up with a better understanding of how brainwashed the deeply religious are, it’s like you’re in a cult or something.
Young Lady my dear. No, I did not tell you that the article was about God etc, if indeed you read my comment but feel free to go back and read it again so that you may have a better understanding of it. AND once again a comment that earns you ZERO, ZILCH points. lol No, I have a very clear understanding of what role GOD plays and what role The Church plays. Obviously, you have not been to my church because I don’t recall seeing you there….wait, l will stop here because you know what they say.
I brought up the Nicean Council because it is a major part of Christian history, and yet most Christians especially black Christians, have never even hear dof it or know how it shaped the religion they believe so whole heartedly in to this very day. The “entity’ of the Nicean Council and King James have EVERYTHING to do with “the word’ being that it was these events/people, amongst many, many others, that interpeted, condensed, rewrote and propogated what most folks now believe is INFALLIABLE TRUTH. So, it is you, my dear friend that seems to need to do some more research. Not one scripture that relegates women inferior? Are you kidding me? I tell you, one must be in serious denial to make such a claim. I wont even bother listing the mutlitude of scriptures that speak negatively or denegrate the human female. Im sure you have read them all, but have somehow convinced yourself that it doesnt actually mean, what the hell it says it means. LOL. I dont have time for the delusional.
The rest of your little rant is silly and does nothing to refute either Deborrahs original article, nor my comment. Yes… one must have the ‘right’ interpetation in order to “understand’ scripture, blah…blah…blah. We have heard it all before. And just like YOU think YOU have the right interpretation, there are about 1000 other denominations, sects, cults and secret societies that think THEY have it right, and YOU are ignorant. And then when we bring other religions into it, it gets real interesting. We get the Crusades, the Witch Trials, Slavery, Colonialism, Terrorism and the World Trade Center going up in flames. Yet, everyone thinks they have cornered the market on God, and then go out into the world and act as unGodly as they can, in His name. SMDH.
Christians are by their vary nature, judgemental, because the religion they follow is judgemental. Its as simple as that. What you call a spade, some of call bullshit, and we are Calling YOU OUT ON IT!
No need to get upset. Deborrah is only calling a spade, a spade. You should be ok with that, since you have NO PROBLEM when Christians do it.
Yet somehow, you dont seem to like like it when its done to you. hmmm…makes one wonder….
As a white man who married a single african widow with 2 kids, I have to say the writer of this article needs to get a grip on reality. first off, a church IS just a building but it facilitates the practice of reaching God. it is not meant as a pick up joint for sexually frustrated females with a chip on their shoulder. If you go to Church without God on your mind, then you will be frustrated!
Men have always struggled with faith. Even the apostles showed their lack of faith over and over again, but look to the most famous woman, Mary, and you will find an example of great faith and charity. A woman who was considered the Apostle to the apostles. (there is even a letter written by her to the apostles) the church is referred to as she for a reason as well.
Men were chosen to lead the church precisely because God knew what a great challenge it would be. if one can humble a man (generally speaking) to be faithfull and Not abuse power the church becomes truly viable. Some of the holiest people in the church have been women, they help us to be humble. their task is to maintain their humility in trying circumstances and show us that seeming powerlessness is actually a strength. Their strength is in “weakness” and our (men’s) weakness is in “strength”.
women need to help men overcome these weaknesses by remaining “strong” and active, like Mary. Being “in Charge” is not God’s will for us, it’s allowing God to be in Charge of Us.
peace
tj
Oh glory! All I can say is THANK YOU!
Men need to learn to stop sucking at women’s breasts like infants and stand on their own damn feet . That is another problem I have with the messages being given to women in churches – that of taking on the burden of caretaking for grown ass men like they are children. Then those same 200 lb babies have the nerve to want to turn around and demand that a woman subjugate herself to him because he is am an and the “rightful leader.” WTF?! If you are a leader, then lead and stop thinking women are here to help you. If you are going to be a baby then be one, and don’t ever expect to be the head of anything or lead either.
You can’t have it both ways.
This article so hurt my feelings… I don’t know where to begin. Not all black or whatever race churches are corrupt. Not all Black preachers, pastors, or ministers are on the prowl to rob black women. Does the church teach submissiveness… YES! Because the bible says to be submissive to God. All people men and women are held to this standard. Do churches teach for a woman to be submissive to her husband… Yes! But this is easy when your husband submits to God. Black churches do not ask black women to shoulder any more responsibility for the state of the black family than it asks of black men. I have taken great issue with your blanket statements wrapped in statistics. I’m sorry that you haven’t had a positive experience in the black churches that you have visited. With this article you have ‘attacked’ the one place where many black women have the only solace. The black church has historically and will eternally be the place for all to praise, worship, learn, serve and fellowhip. An intelligent and spiritually-conncected black woman does not worship the man or woman in the pulpit. She worships God and Him only. As the “head” of the church, are we asked to revere the pastor,… Yes. But, it is no different than how you may treat your boss different from your co-workers. Its about respect for the position. It is assumed that through earthly means, God placed that person in that position. No, this isn’t always the case, and if you find yourself in a church where God hasn’t annointed the leader, then you might need to find another church. No church (black or white) is perfect, nor is ANY human being. Should spiritual leader be above reproach… Yes. But as we all know, there are many who aren’t. However, to lump them all into one corrupt group is journalistically irresponsible. I respect your opinion of black women and black churches, however I wholeheartedly disagree.
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.
And clearly yours is showing for the whole world to see. Why write an article that will garner various opinions and feelings, then go on the attack when those same opinions vastly differ from yours? It makes one wonder what your issue really is…
So, what was the name of the pastor that burned you?
I don’t care if someone’s opinion differs. Like I said in a previous response, I had no expectation that everyone would agree with me, or even with half of what I wrote. What I care about is people using the Straw Man argument which attempts to detract from the premise of the article, bringing in things to try to discredit me due to the fact that they have no valid argument to discredit the content of the article.
When people respond in that fashion, I feel totally free to blow them out of the water.
Now your turn. What would make you think all the information I shared, all those statistics, all the wishes I have for hundreds of thousands of Black women to make their dreams come true boils down to some simple minded shit like I have been “burned” by some knucklehead pastor? Are you kidding me? That’s all you got out of that whole article? Wow.
lol, I was wondering the SAME thing from the second I heard about this on the radio.
Ms Cooper, I realize that the purpose of this article is dealing with the ‘Christian’ women. However, I would like to know if any non-christian AND celibate (not implying in any way you have to be Christain to be celibate) women feel the same way? Are they finding more success? Has it become easier for them?
Why not go out and ask some Kaonis. Let me know what you find out. I’m busy writing the second article in this series which I hope to put up by the end of June. In it I will continue to blast the Black church for its failings.
And as much as you say the article is based on research etc. you continue to leave comments which speak to the contrary. This individual respectfully asked you a simple question for which you could provide no answer. The response was not cute at all and the more I read the less I desire to read. You, I must say, are a bit lackluster and could use a bit of tact.
I never said it was based on scientific research, only anecdotal experiences of advice writers, and the PEW research study which I had nothing to do with. Because I DON’T provide an answer to every question doesn’t mean I can’t… I just choose not to answer. As far as tact goes… well, my mother always said I never learned to be tactful. I’m glad. Because now when I say if you don’t like what I have to say go away and don’t come back, and I don’t have to feel bad about saying it.
Garbage,such utter demonic absolute garbage. I am in my 50s and been in several Black churches since 10 and i have never witnessed such utter disgraceful lies. Dont blame this mess on the Black church.
You don’t tell me what to do. I do what I want to do. I say the mess is the fault of the Black church as it affects women. Since you ain’t a woman, your opinion on what women experience in church and society really doesn’t amount to much of anything except some Bible thumper yammering his pie hole and talking shit.
The Church has such a hold on black women, that it’s not even funny!
Because of this, good black men are left to suffer as well. The church was never ordained to be the primary leader to educate the people. And yet, The Church took it upon themselves to be such. Money, power, and respect seems to be the motivating factor. Some see and some don’t.
It’s funny that when you read the Bible, Tithing is mentioned about 5 times, but yet it’s a subject that’s touched upon almost every week. A wiser person would notice this right off. But a lot of black women are either so confused or in such need of guidance and a better life that they are gravitating in droves towards such venom that’s spewed by congregations.
Women are further destroyed and re-constructed to serve the purposes that are not outlined by the Bible, but by the Church Administrators. Brainwashing is a strong practice. Women are less likely to find a good black man in church, because men (the good ones), for the most part, understand that the Church do more to destroy their characters than uplift them.
Why would anyone stick around to be destroyed in the eyes of women (confused women do not see this). It’s true, the type of men that stay in the church are either gay, looking for guidance, have serious problems, or are there to prey on the weak.
Don’t get me wrong you can find meaningful sermons at service, but there is a lot of underhandedness taking place. There are those that can recognize such shadiness. There are a lot of practices to disagree with. Those that disagree with black women, are deemed to be unequally yoked (a term that’s often misinterpreted).
It’s so sad to enter a church and see so many women making up the population. And the closer you get to the front of the church audience, the more you’ll find more available/single black women. My woman lost a good black man (in me) due to the stronghold that The Church (not Bible) has on her.
While it’s true, most black women are single due to their distorted role that religion plays in their life, I’m not giving up on my sisters. However, I do not believe that I’ll find my life partner in The Church. I agree, black women are statisically fighting a losing battle if they believe they can find an eligible good black man in Church………
A man that finds a wife finds a good thing. Not a woman who seeks a man in a church finds a good thing. lol
We can not talk about the church because it is only a physical sturcture (at least as it is mentioned here) The Church is found in the heart of the people of God. As a 22 yr old female who is a follower of Christ, I can honestly say that men in church can hurt you but so can men who are not in the chuch. I have had it about equal and none was better than the other. I just don’t get the article and not for a lack or understanding
LOL!ROFL!…I have just had the pleasure of reading this article that is such a sad misrepresentation of women in the church. Oh, wait let rephrase that …single and lonely…African American women in the church. hahahahahaha!! So what you are saying is… the religion that tells you not to kill, not to steal, not to lie, not to have sex with someone you are not married to, to honor your parents, to be devoted, to love one another, do unto others as you would have them to do unto you is keeping African American women lonely. hahahahahaha!!
Just because people have perverted Christianity does not make its original intent wrong.
True Christianity is about how to healthily handle our various relationships. Does it put emphasis on the role of MEN? Yes. Does it invalidate the importance of WOMEN? Absolutely not!
You mentioned submission. Let me add one that most people ignore: Submit to EACH OTHER in the fear of God. LOL! That is in there too!!!
There are women that choose to be alone rather than live one day in a home with a man she does not like. The sexual freedom is not embraced by every woman because thats when diseases and other infections are freely spread. In short, every woman is not attracted to the idea of just being a “something to do” by a man just to say she has a man.
I will not surrender my belief system to follow yours. LOL! The issue with the relationships between men and women (black, white, blue, green or purple) is simple. Selfishness. If we were less selfish in the way we handled one another in the church or out of the church people would be less lonely (single or married).