The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
(continued on page 2 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
Perhaps looking at those short brothers could increase the prospects!
Long as he is taller than an Ewok, we can roll!
Awoman on that. It’s something I have felt strongly about for year. Pastors have built mega churches, and film production dynasties off making blk wm feel desperate and selling them a bill of goods about their sexuality, faith and black men. SHAME ON IT ALL.
I LOVE this article! It’s very funny :). Although I don’t completely agree, there is much that I say AMEN to. Look forward to reading more articles from you Deborrah!
For whatever reason I know must saved women will not respond and tell you what a load of fertilizer this is. What you did was show one side of the coin. Is everything you said here false, no of course not, but is most of it true NO. You sit up here and talk about the church women being in denial what about the women we see every day with 6 kids by 5 different men. Why do you think HIV is on the rise in our communities. My life as a Christian woman is just that, my life. I still have to be in the world I work with people that don’t go to church I live in a community with people that don’t go to church, I go to school with people that don’t go to church and I would not trade my life with anyone. I know women that have men that beat them and make them feel like they are lower then the gum on the bottom of their shoes. We just celebrated Father’s day in church on Sunday and part of my testimony was how I thank God for the godly men he has brought in my life. If it were so much better outside of the church the divorce rate would not continue to rise. I know a lot of “silly women” are going to be led away captive by this article but I will continue to pray knowing that the truth will make you free.
Of course I present one side of the coin – the side I wanted to show. It’s my article and it states no one’s opinion but my own. If you want to present something else, get busy writing.
HIV is on the rise in our community due to many reasons that have nothing to do with people being outside of church, since many of the church members have it as well as herpes, genital warts, out of wedlock children, etc. Church members are also getting their asses beat down, divorced, committing adultery, fornicating, getting other people’s wives pregnant. The Bible Belt, which is the most religious and church going region of the nation has the highest divorce and unwed pregnancy rate. Did you know that? All your saved folks fornicating and getting divorced right and left.
Just because someone goes to church doesn’t make them perfect or right. And remember, those men you see in church are living outside of church the rest of their lives. They ain’t there 24/7/365. That is why I say that women that think they have to meet a man IN CHURCH are wasting their time waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
I’m not gay, a player, loser, weak or old. I study to show myself approved. Your namesake was a woman of power in the Bible, even if you spell it with two “rr”‘s.. I believe that the Bible is God’s inspired word and that the Word of God empowers people not make them weak. A woman that has the power of God’s Word and knows how to “rightly divide” it, is one of the most beautiful creations on God’s green earth.
Okay, then you are in the 2% Rodly. Good for you. ;0
The article was interesting and did raise some valid points. I am an African American female who attended a black Baptist church. The pastor often encouraged marriage on the women of the church, I feel that it is an independent choice to marry or not to marry; to be single or not to be.
Women as a whole must learn to be by themselves and content. I think contentment is what will make you happy. Being married is something that all girls dream of, but as I age and become more content, I am glad that I never made that move. I like my independence and solitude.
I have a twenty something year old daughter and I encourage her to live her life and travel, get as much education as she can, do the things that make her happy. There is no need for people to marry in these days in times, and ultimately we need to believe in ourselves and that through our belief we can make it happen and live the life that we were meant to live.
Yeah girl, I sooooooooooooo understand. Though I was happily married and it ended in his death, I have not remarried because I see no real need to. Been there, done that. Much happier and feel much more free to do what I want when I want the way I want being single. I think most women don’t really understand the expectations that men have of “a wife” until its too late, which is one of the reasons 75% of divorces are filed by women. They wake the fuck up and realize that marriage is a huge burden on a woman’s time and energy, and that men expect women to carry the primary responsibility for the marriage and joint household. Bullshit! Read the article The Cons of Marriage: Why Women Should Not Get Married for more thoughts on this subject.
Sorry. I really wasn’t trying to offend you. I was once a single male though and I didn’t fit into any of the aforementioned categories when I was single, so that is where the offense comes in. And I thought I was “qualified”, at least in that sense, to say something about it.
Re: your examples. Just because one has a bad experience at a restaurant doesn’t mean that he/she shuns the entire restaurant industry. Same thing goes for certain cell phone providers. Moreover, a black church isn’t the Black Church. In other words, the Black Church should not be represented by a few bad examples. You still choose to dine at other restaurants. You still choose to have a cell phone, albeit a different provider. I speak in defense of the Black Church because it was the vehicle that helped afford many Af-Ams the freedoms and liberties we enjoy today. Let’s not let a few bad examples who represent the black church in name and congregation-typle only cause us to talk about the Black Church in a derogatory manner that downplays its importance in our lives.
Thanks for your response and thanks for giving me the opportunity comment on your article.
Blessings,
Brother John
You are correct John, the Black church WAS instrumental in the 1960s civil rights movement. However this is 2010. And I repeat “what have you done for me lately?” I’m not seeing where the churches, with all their money and influence in their communities around the country are really doing much for black women and their children. Churches these days are run like a business dude! Their own stores, mega buildings, investments, property, etc. The focus is on making MONEY. That is why I say that churches should be required to pay income tax. Immediately.
But I do appreciate your comments. thank you
I really enjoyed reading your article. As a woman who is studying the ministry (currently in seminary) and also a professional (I’m a lawyer), I found it both troubling and refreshing. I think the piece that is missing for so many of us who are “believers” is the relationship with God. A person can go to church religiously (pun completely intended) yet never actually know God’s heart. In fact, so many of us have missed God’s heart. When we read the bible, we see rules to live by, not the love that our heavenly Father has for us.
It is God’s will to give us the proper desires of our hearts, including a man to spend the rest of our lives with. And he doesn’t mean for all of us to be 55 years old when He grants that desire. As you said, there are many places to meet God-fearing men, and the church is just one. As you said, God loves all of His children, regardless of their race, religion, ethnicity, financial position or place in this world.
God said be fruitful and multiply, however God also said that “faith without works is dead.” Simply getting on your knees and praying for God to send you a mate and then following up by spending all your time at home, with other women, in church activities, etc. will not grant this wish. As you mentioned, a woman can meet a good man anywhere: grocery store, bookstore, through mutual friends or relatives (a personal favorite of mine), at poetry events, lounges, concerts, booksignings, and seminars. God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent, so He is everywhere and so is His will.
However, I did want to say a few things that saddened me in reading your post. The problem is not the “church” or “God,” but the people running the church (I think you intended this). I did feel that you went somewhat hard on the men who attend church. Good and not so great people are everywhere, including the church. I believe that the church is like a hospital, and all those who need the healing come to Him. I think that the types of men you mentioned are found in many churches, but so are decent men.
I think the modern day Black church is somewhat polarizing for Black men, and many of the Black men I’m friends with have said that they feel unwelcome in the church. I think the reason for this is because as you mentioned, most of the consistent church attendees are women, so many pastors have learned to make their churches “women friendly.” Many messages focus on what they think women need to hear. At the same time, many pastors have used this to manipulate women. Some pastors themselves are struggling with the issues you mentioned (the 4 types of Black men). There are pastors that sleep with women in their congregations, manipulate those women out of their last penny, struggling with closet homosexuality (while preaching against it lol), and their own issues of religion.
Sadly, we are all out here struggling, whether we go to church or not, whether we sit on the clergy or in a pew.
I believe that if a Black woman truly wants to get married, it’s definitely God’s will for her, and that she should start to open her eyes to all the possibilities that are in her path. As for the fornication and sexual sin issues, I agree with much of what you said. But it’s truly the church that has manipulated this. I do believe that God’s perfect will was for one man and one woman. But it wasn’t God that said, “go get 5 degrees, a 6 figure earning job, travel the world and own 3 homes, and then get married.” The church has truly taken God’s will out of context. If you notice, many people in the bible were only 13 when they married. I’m not saying that’s completely practical for today’s times, but I will say that maybe we are expecting to be too much before we settle down. People were younger in history when they married and they built together. Maybe we can consider that. As for women struggling with lust, God knows what you are going through and He loves you regardless. The consequences of sin are natural, even if you aren’t religious. For example, it doesn’t take a religious person to know that sleeping with multiple partners carries many risks, such as diseases, unplanned pregnancy and emotional hurt if the relationship doesn’t work out. God doesn’t hate women who fornicate, but as a Father who loves His children, He called fornication a sin to protect you from the things I just stated above. The church doesn’t seem to spread God’s love to the parishioners (this is one of the reasons I’m in seminary. I think many of us simply miss God’s heart). At the end of the day, for those women out here struggling, wondering if God wants you to have a mate–I promise you He does. I know there’s an R&B song that says “I invented sex” (not sure who sings it). But I want you all to know that HE invented sex, marriage, prosperity and all the good things of this world!
Yeah! Someone that gets 100% what I was trying to say. So glad you took the time to write Xandra. You touched on all the major points of the article with understanding. Hopefully some of the churchy folks will see your response and consider your wisdom.
Yes, I was hard on the men in the church for good reason. Men in Christianity are held to a higher standard of performance than non Christian men, right? I feel that women are giving these religious leaders and the men they interact with the respect the scriptures mandate, but that these men are not meeting the standards required and are being given a pass. Ladies, that’s not how to do it.
I totally understand what you are saying and I see that the author of this article agrees with you too, but the way the article was written, it did not portray what you just said. The article sounded very judgmental toward Christians and I felt very sadden that the author feels the way she does.
Wow. Disappointing perspective on (1) the black church and (2) single men in the black church. As a seminary graduate and a black male involved in ministry, I understand the consternation associated w/ relationships w/in the black church. I don’t necessarily agree w/ the conclusory tone of this piece.
For example: “These church women refuse to go to parties, sports bars or sporting events, or clubs where there is drinking, card playing, domino throwing, shit talking and cussing – you know, the things that most men who enjoy life like to do.”
Most men? Really? And a man that doesn’t participate in those things apparantly has something wrong w/ him, right? Strange, I was that man (i.e. at the club, drinking, and “doing my thing”) over a decade ago. Something (or shall I say someone) changed me though. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love sports, I don’t talk smack when I play hoops, or that I don’t like a good game of spades. My point: please don’t assume that most men in the black church shares the same patriarchal, ungodly tendencies when it comes to the way they view women. I’m not just talking out the side of my neck either, I live this every day. My wife and I are both seminary graduates and our collective ministry is defined by equality and mutual respect. It has nothing to do w/ male vs. female, but everything to do w/ allowing Christ to rule in our relationship.
More to say, just a brief synopsis of my thoughts on the matter. Sisters, don’t give up on the black church and don’t allow a few bad experiences with the black church to change your perspective on God’s redeeming work in Christ.
Respectfully submitted,
Brother John
Again, I am not talking about married men. Why is it that you all cannot stay out of a conversation that doesn’t apply to you! We are talking about SINGLE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH. Men always want to interject their thoughts and experiences as if they are superior to the suffering of women. I am not talking about YOU. Nothing here applies to YOU and your WIFE.
Secondly, a few bad experiences in anything should turn a sensible person against it. For example, if I ate at a certain restaurant several times and each time I got food poisoning, how often do you think I would go back? If everytime I got a bill from my cell phone company they overcharged me and my service dropped calls all the time, how long do you think I would continue giving them folks my money? I’d have to be a fool!
And these types of Black churches I describe poison women’s spirits and minds. You want women to continue suffering in silence so that you will feel better. I say that women should very quickly give up on these churches and move on. Women suffer enough behind men.
Deborah, just a quick question, if you stopped attending church at age 5, you don’t attend a church for more than five minutes, where are you getting this information on single black women in the church. I can respect the fact of this being your opinion, but if you are presenting it as being over 90% accurate, of black men not available in church then where is your research, because opinion does not equate fact.
If this claim is true, what about college? I guess black women can not find a man in college because we enter college at a higher percentage rate then black men? You talk about pastors but what about black women being in a position of power in schools, government, business? I understand your frustrations with the church but the world that we live in is a patriarchal society, what can we do about it?
You must have missed the part about me being in the relationship and dating field for 20 years. The fact that I interact with hundreds of thousands of singles and married people all over the world, of all races, all ages, and all religious beliefs gives me more expertise than most ministers that interact only with their particular population. I stand by my statements. And we are not talking about college or work. What does that have to do with what women are told to find IN CHURCH?
Anyone who reads this blog and is a genuine follower of Christ, you must remember what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 2:14…”But the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.”
Deborrah Cooper is a text book example of this verse. Because she is NOT a believer, she is NOT qualified to discuss issues concerning the church, God or His Word. We as believers understand that we are in very evil days. Tragically, people like Deborrah Cooper are “tools” of Satan, who are being used to lead those who are not rooted and grounded in Christ away from the Truth.
Those of us who are discerning, will recognize this and the anti-Christ spirit that is at work in this blog.
…..And this I say, lest any man should beguile you with enticing words. (Colossians 2:4)
I wonder why all you devout Christians are so worried about what I say? I am one person in cyberspace. Lots of fear here from the Christians concerned that a few of their blinded flock would wander away. It’s really surprising that you feel my words are that powerful. You must really be afraid of me. SMH.
Dude, no one is saying don’t believe in God. All I am saying is that women need to stop believing in the men that are representing God to them, because they are men and human and fallible. They fall from grace and they commit adultery and fornicate and steal from the church. They lie and cheat and do wrong and often do not have a woman’s best interest at heart – they are there promoting the business of that church. So these guys should not be elevated to any superior status by the largely female congregation.
I am not finished ripping the Black church yet. Watch for part 2 and part 3 of this article over the coming weeks.
Thank you for speaking the truth. Many people will not want to hear the truth because they have lived this lie for so long. Many of us just need something to believe in and have been duped. I am so glad that I finally woke up. It feels sooooo good to be free. Here’s wishing freedom for other sisters…
Peace
Me too girl. Me too.
This is an absolutely absurd article and Deb you have some SERIOUS issues! To all these people who are up here co-signing with you, you too have issues! I am a serious God-fearing woman who is infact married and my husband attends church faithfully as I do…….
Being submitted to your husband is NOT being PASSIVE – you need to read your word more! And to the person that spoke on the Nicean council, you are correct that was a coming together of Paganism and the birth of the Catholic church. I am WELL VERSED in all of that!
I am going to continue to pray for you all, but it is EVIDENT that the end times are here! LOL I feel sorry for you all!
Typical response of the unenlightened soul that loves to call him or herself “god-fearing.” Because I don’t believe the way you do, I have “serious issues.” It’s hilarious how unoriginal you all are.
Secondly, and most importantly, of course your husband attends church. He is married. I said SINGLE black men all throughout the article. I never mentioned married men because I am talking about SINGLE women. Not married women. Not you. Nothing in this article pertains to you.
And that “I feel sorry for you” shit is again, just more typical blind to reality church chick conversation. I would say that I feel sorry for you for being so blind to the real world, but I don’t want to waste my time. You should be praying for your eyes to be opened, not for me. I don’t need nor want your prayers.
As one of “those people” who co-sign what Deborrah is saying, I may have issues, but on THIS topic, I am clear. The Christian Religion is a scam. It as a cult. It is a manifestation of hatred and fear. IT is the very thing we need “saving’ from.
The ENTIRE Christian Church is based on PAGANISM…the very thing they claim is ‘the devils work’. But instead of being about wholistic community, love of nature and celebration of humanity, it has perverted those concepts into what we now see all around us…domination and destruction of nature, power heirarchies based on oppression and subservience and most importantly, THE STRIPPING FOR FEMALE POWER from women, to be harnessed and used as concubines for the church. Women are being pimped by the church…we have been made whores by forces that use our reproductive and spiritual powers to keep us enslaved, while hoarding all the power and resources for themselves.
If you say you are ‘well versed’ in the HISTORY of Christianity, and still claim it to be true, then it is I who feels SORRY for you. Cuz if after all you supposedly know, you still give any credence to that bullshit the church spews, then you must be a sucka for punishment.
And guess what. If you like it, I LOVE it!
Ignorance is indeed, bliss.
The end times for BULLSHIT is here. And thats why folks are starting to wake up! We are leaving the Piscean age (the age of the fish…ie: the fish that represents Christianty) and we are entering the Aquarian Age which is about synthesis and integration, not seperation and division. The dualtites of good and evil must be reconciled. And its gonna happen, whether you like it or not.
Im with Deborrah on this. And based on many of the comments on this blog and all around the internet, many others agree too. Hallelujah! We finally seeing the light!
Tell it! Praying under crosses and photos and statues of Mary and whatnot? Flinging themselves into water that they say is holy? Doing wild dances and talking in tongues? Drinking wine that represents the blood of Christ? They don’t recognize those as pagan rituals, huh? Wow.
pure foolishness. The true Church should free single women if anything from thinking they need a man to be complete. The problem is women having their identity in something other that God, and as a Christian I believe that it is found in Jesus Christ. Seems that this feminist women movement hates how God created women more than anything.
That is the entire problem with Christian thinking. It places women in a position of inferiority to men and blames God for the decision, and dumb women believe that crap. Women are just as powerful, knowledgeable, capable of leadership and courageous as men are. But men, being shaky with their sense of manhood, cannot handle that and prefer to see a woman on her knees or back so you can feel superior. I think a “true church” would encourage mutuality and equality, not inequality and subservience by females. That is why I would not ever have anything to do with church or religion.
LMBO This is the most ridiculous article I’ve ever read! Clearly this woman has been hurt by the church and a black man.
1) There are single black females filling the pews b/c there are more single black females in our country than in any other race. So no matter where you go- church, work, colleges, the club, hec down the street that is the case!
2) She has it so confused if she thinks she needs to be even more aggressive and less submissive. The # 1 complaint from black men who refuse to date black women is that they are too bossy, loud and proud. I mean come on, “I don’t need a man” is the anthem of today’s black woman.
3) I don’t know where this woman was raised, but I was raised in a more Godless environment- aka NY and was not raised going to church nor were any of my friends except 1. NONE of my friends from back home are married male or female. That’s just not something that’s common in NY. However in the Bible belt, black men are more likely to try marriage b/c that’s how they were raised. For example, my husband is from NC and all but one of his friends are married. I mean these days popular culture says it’s normal and ok for you to live together for years have kids and never get married. The only people who might even feel this is wrong are religious people. As a matter of fact, many women from the north are trying to find southern black men for this very purpose- b/c they know they are more likely to consider marriage.
4) I don’t know what Church she went to b/c since I’ve been saved I’ve seen women in high leadership positions in the black church- including pastor. So this sitting in Church and listening to some man tell her she’s inferior business is foreign to me. So maybe she needs to visit some more modern churches.
5) If anyone really thinks they have a chance of finding husband material in a bar or club than you are just as delusional as the man who claims he’s Jesus Christ! There are 1000 of women who have been trying that method for years and they’re all still single. Ladies please don’t listen to this woman she will have you not only single, but heart broken with an STD!
6)The Black woman needs to start examining herself and stop blaming any and everything for why she is single. For one thing- start dating non black men! And stop telling men you don’t need them b/c they will believe you!
-Signed a CHRISTIAN black woman who is happily MARRIED to a black man!
Who cares what Black men want when it requires that a woman subjugate herself to some knucklehead man? That is the second point of this article. If you have to make yourself as a woman small and appear to be weak, just so a male can feel that he is large and strong, there is a problem there with men.
And the lack of reading comprehension skills of some of the respondents is frightening. Yall really need to grasp these three concepts because I’m tired of repeating myself.
#1 The high numbers of single black women in church is disproportionate to the population at large. The main focus here is that Black women are being told to find a man IN CHURCH that believes as they do. If no men are there except married men and the pastor and the guys on the list of 4, those single women will never marry. Ever.
#2 I never said a woman is going to go find a man in a bar or club! I specifically said that HE might go to those places occasionally but that doesn’t mean he is a bad person and should be eliminated as a potential mate just because he does.
#3 I specifically referred to “traditional Black church.” So if you don’t go to one and never have, these issues do not apply to YOU. But again, we are not talking about YOU, we are talking about the single women to whom this type of church and church attendance routine is a part of their lives.
You are married, right? So shut up. Nothing in this article applies to you.