The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
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Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
@topaz627 u said a mouth full….very few christian friends that I have…if any. They Are very judgemental and it didn’t start until they claimed finding Jesus as if he were lost. And it’s what I’ve have said to many….its the religion that separates us from ourselves…causing some of us to poke out our eyes bcuz we sinned badly….Lol. I dislike when I say “how r u doin?” They respond by sayin; “I’m blessed, thx u” I respond back by saying, “Aren’t we all” From here I avoided conversations with them if its not about our job duties. Some ppl separate from u, stop speaking if u don’t belong to their church or if u show them u have a mind of your own. Observance is a main key to stay away from churches that have a unusual agenda….controling mindset.
I don’t know if I agree with everything that Deborah says, but I applaud her for having the chutzpah to air an opinion that’s so counter to what the average African American believes. The church certainly doesn’t help women find mates and waiting for God to send you a mate really might leave you single, lonely and rapidly moving towards retirement!! However I think this is a complex issue with a variety of factors impacting our choice of suitable (employed, respectful of women, faithful, etc) mates.
@Deborrah
Some of us men are very spiritual beings…We [just] are NOT Christians! I do not believe that so-called Christian have a monopoly on GOD. Yes, the church is keeping our women single. Example: Every pastor I know is warning sisters NOT to date non-Christians. Entire sermons are centered around this fact. The pastors talk about being evenly yoked! If a brother has a job, educated and responsible, it will not make a different with some sisters if you are not a Christian. Read Acts 11: 26. Christianity is not our true way. Act 11: 26 prove it. Jesus instructed his disciples “Go not unto the way of the Gentiles!” Where did Paul (Saul) go? Even Barnabas parted ways with Saul because he knew that Saul began to get away from the teaching of the Elders. Paul traveled from North Africa (Israel) to southern Europe (Antioch). Everything I say I can PROVE with the Old Testament and New Testament. Why do you think pastors stay in the New Testament?… Because, the Old Testament, is talking about African Kings and Queens!
@ArthurDanielsJr @ladeedaa, I wonder what the black church is about myself. I know many people that profess to be Christians, however, the evil things that they say AND DO, I REPEAT AND DO, I could never be a Christian, notwithstandiong that I do believe in God. I just don’t believe in the things they do and their money grabbing. Greedy people that say one thing AND DO ANOTHER.
@Razzy, everything you said is true. I was in the church for a number of years, (well over ten) and I saw what they did/do in the churches. I was a member of a church where the pastor promised that if you would give him two thousand dollars, he would give you ten thousand back. It never did happen. Only his friends to a return on their money.
I must be a loser or in the closet man because I love taking my straight a** to church every Sunday! I need to hear the Word and I am not about to pretend I don’t like going. The Lord took a long time to get me coming back to church and now that I’m there and I see the benefit, I ain’t never leaving :)! Then again, my woman doesn’t care; she loves her some church too. I do see the players in the church and the in the closet types. But, religion is a personal experience and I don’t go to find a woman (even though they are beautiful women and I can’t blame a brotha for wanting to mack). God gave me my woman so I’m forever thankful cause he knew I needed someone to watch over my crazy behind and she’s time enough for me. So, I’m still going every Sunday; I’m the one in the shirt and tie greeting the first time friends :).
@houstokid You are one of the 2%.
Omg…lol
I have mixed feelings about this article because I’ve been to a number of different churches. When I became a Christian, I spent a lot of time really reading and studying the bible for myself. So, as I went to different churches, I was able to weed out lots of things and ideas that weren’t biblical. So, I never really got stuck in the prosperity gospel trap, or the feeling that I had to be in church every waking moment, or this line that we draw in our lives between the sacred and secular. While there are places I don’t frequent because I don’t enjoy it, and things that I don’t do because the bible says it is wrong, there’s a lot that I do that is not church related.
I agree whole heartedly about black men and church. There is a dearth of eligible black men there. I’ve met some really good black men at church but they are quickly snapped up. I don’t go to church for men, nor do I spend a bunch of time with singles groups. The man I’m dating now is a black man who goes to church. He is one of the exceptions, but it wasn’t something I planned. Women rejected him a lot because he is really short. But then again, so am I so its not a problem. A friend introduced us and it worked out. But that’s the first time in 15 years. Many fell into the categories you mentioned. When I was looking for a man, I didn’t go the club, etc because I knew that the man I wanted probably wouldn’t be there. But I did volunteer, go to meet ups, looked online, went to the gym …. Plenty of men are all around, it just takes breaking from the routine. Men tend to be more active, and christian men might not be in church 24 x 7 but during the week he will probably work out, go to work, and will probably be looking for a tangible way to do some good in the workd. I looked outside of my race also. White and other men are often quite interested in black women. It isn’t the majority, but even if it is only 5 or 10 percent, that’s millions of people in the U.S. alone, not to mention other countries.
I’ve been really blessed that the churches I go to are quite different than what you’ve described. For example, the church I am in now is teaching us to be leaders. We are assessing our strengths and weaknesses and our leadership styles. In other churches I’ve learned about finances and investing, entrepreneurship, and more in addition to being fed spiritually. Ive been taught how to dig into the scriptures for myself using several different methods. There is sexism in the church for sure, but I’ve also seen tons of female leaders who have been positive role models of women in leadership. I’ve heard about players but they don’t tend to gravitate to me. I’m not too impressed by stuff considering I have my own stuff! I do appreciate my Christian brothers who do go to church. Some do have problems but that doesn’t mean they will stay that way. Christ heals us and gives us the power to make it through, one step at a time.
I don’t agree with Deborah Cooper on much. But I have experienced this first hand with black women. What’s ironic is how Deborah always speaks out on women’s issues yet she is attacked by so many black women here. It’s poetic in a way. That’s because black women hate being faced with the harsh realities. My white male counterparts argue with their girlfriends about a lot of things. But I’ve never heard them mention anything about religion. The black church is B-S. It is for individuals with slave minds. And if we stopped ignoring the history of Christianity, we would know this. The root of it is Catholicism. They fabricated so much just to get people to come to church.
Black women expect black men to behave in a contradictory way. It’s not in a real man’s nature to submit to doctrines and pastors. It makes him docile and easily controlled. God doesn’t hear you better in church and God doesn’t need your money. And to fellowship doesn’t mean going to church. Black women should stop using a doctrine that was beat into African Americans as a reference. I don’t give a damn what the Bible says because I’m not Christian. And most black women don’t because they ignore the parts they don’t like. Deborah, yes! Pimp preachers and vague, pseudo-spiritual teachings keep black women delusional and single. They may not be lonely. Most guys will have sex with an attractive woman. But he won’t commit and be faithful if you try to force him to be something he isn’t.
@blanksie_11 Who ever wrote this is ignorant! You can continue to believe that foolishness about the white man trying to control people or whatever it is against there being a God. Keep on with your mouth and God will show you exactly who he is!! I am a dedicated woman to the Word of God and I know what God will do and you just keep it up with your negativity against Him and you will regret it!!!! There is a God and He will take you out of this World in the blink of an eye when He is ready if you don’t repent and be obedient to His Word. Let this be a warning to you!
@ebonyeyes600 @blanksie_11 More proof, to me, why religion becomes a disease in the minds of the vulnerable and gullible. Hostility, threats, cod attempts at browbeating conversion and overall craziness-sounding in their vitriol towards anyone who isn’t a non-Christian, let alone fundamentalist like they are. Thanks, @blanksie_11 , for being yet another poster example of why hardcore Christian devotion can be more damaging than enlightening or enriching to anyone’s life. You and others of your ilk further tarnish the virtuosity that Christianity intends to espouse in its Scriptures. Thanks to your irrationality, superficiality and ignorance of that very book against which you bash your head at least every Sunday, you act in the most unchristian – and thus hypocritical – manner that ridicules the very faith in which you proclaim vociferously.
Keep up the good sabotage.
@ebonyeyes600 More proof, to me, why religion becomes a disease in the minds of the most vulnerable and gullible. Hostility, threats, cod attempts at damning conversion and overall lashings of craziness in their vitriol towards anyone who isn’t a Christian, let alone fundamentalist like they are. Thanks, @ebonyeyes600 , for being yet another perfect exemplar of the reason hardcore and staunch Christianity can be more damaging than enlightening, enriching or even remotely appealing to anyone’s life. You and others of your ilk further tarnish the virtuosity that Christianity intends to espouse in its Scriptures. Thanks to your irrationality, superficiality and ignorance of that very book against which you bash your head at least every Sunday, you act in the most unchristian – and thus hypocritical – manner, ridiculing the very faith of which you proclaim to be loyal. I thought only God was the true arbiter of human morality? Who are you to judge another person and damn them to Hell or oblivion? The Earth and all mankind are not exclusively Christian. Remember that.
Nevertheless, keep up the good sabotage.
@Fuzzy Frisson Ignorant and full of big words is what you are. I pray that your eyes will be opened before it is too late. I know and have experiencGodsgoodness and you do also as you take a breath of air daily and wake every morning to carry on. Fear God!
Wow
There is NOTHING more degrading than being told you are wrong for not wanting your children to participate in a youth program that is being run by a registered sex offender. True story! You can save all the “hurt by the church”, “exercise discernment”, “every church isn’t like that” speeches. I have heard them all. The fact is I grew up in the church that did this. My mother, grandmother, uncles and aunts also attended this church so this wasn’t some fly by night operation.
However, the leadership knew of this man’s criminal history and his offense did involve children and they still protected him instead of our children. Once the facts came out and several mothers wanted this sex offender removed from the youth program…not the church…just the youth program we were labeled as “rebellious”, “unforgiving” and “worldly”. And don’t think for one minute there wasn’t some innuendo about why I hadn’t been “blessed with a husband” thrown in for good measure. I was D.O.N.E.
When protecting some man in the name of “God” and “Forgiveness” trumps common sense, I simply can’t be a part of that. When I woke up and sought help (because it was traumatic) I found there is plenty corruption to go around in churches.
Lets not pretend that a Pastor does not have great power over someone who wants to be a “good christian” I mean we are talking about your “eternal soul” we have been told to “apply these teachings to our everyday lives” so of course how you are guided has enormous impact on your life. I have been to several churches since the incident with the youth pastor and trust if you are not following blindly you do get labeled.
I have been very happy since I gave up organized religion. God is EVERYWHERE and I no longer feel the need to have someone interpret the Bible for me in exchange for my blind loyalty.
Telling the truth about how the corruption within churches works and affects lives is NOT CHURCH BASHING! If you have NEVER witnessed or experienced any of the things that Ms. Cooper is writing about then consider your self “blessed”, but please don’t try to kill a voice that is clearly speaking out for the victims’ that is wrong and not very “godly” or “Christ-like”.
@Deborrah I suppose I should feel flattered. Just get my name spelled right lol. and remember that I said at the end of the day it’s all about taking PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for one’s choices, not blaming others. No one says you gotta go to church. All I’m saying is blaming church for choices a person makes on their own is a cop out. That’s like blaming bars for alcoholism. Well you know what happened the last time alcohol was outlawed.
@ladeedaa @ArthurDanielsJr
“Also why are you aking judgmental statements about someone for not being married?”
I didn’t make a comment about someone not being married. Further from what I understood, the single women desire to be married, they want a family. There is no judgment in that. So I’m not sure where you’re coming from with this comment. There were news media all over tv depicting single black women who are longing for a husband and a family. Nobody is judging, that’s simply reporting on what is known information. Nothing with is wrong with being single, but if a single woman wants to be married, and hasn’t found success in that area then she is going to think something is wrong. If her pastor is telling her to only date a certain type of man, then she is limiting herself.
@ladeedaa @ArthurDanielsJr
“Women need to use discernment and wisdom, and if i’s clear the man is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, steer clear.”
This is a lot of double talk that blames the victim (the woman). “She should have been more discerning, she should have steered clear'” If a man is hiding his ‘wolf’s nature under sheep’s clothing, then he is concealing his true nature, how can you steer clear of something you can’t obviously see? How can you avoid danger if it’s intentionally hidden? If it were that easy to be discerning of men’s unethical intentions we would have less women becoming victims. Let’s stop blaming the victim here and place the blame where it belongs solidly on the shoulders of the men who choose to prey on women in the church.
@TonyaHoneySol “So now we’ve moved on from speaking like adults to criticism?”- How adult were you acting being patronizing and basically telling people their opinion doesn’t matter? As the saying goes, if you can’t take it don’t dish it out.” You must be open to hear other’s opinions without being so damned rude and condescending.” Likewise, hypocrite. You weren’t very open-minded to begin with pretty much were hoping to guilt us with your opinion. Since you feel “sanctified and saved”, your words are law and apparently you’re better than the rest of us? Please, get over yourself! Sisters like yourself are the reason why I stopped going to church.
@Razzy @ArthurDanielsJr Razzy, the things you mention are precisely the reasons why a Christian woman needs to be on her guard, and avoid the kinds of “relationships” that can and many times will compromise her relationship with God. Being a Christian does NOT mean being an “enabler.” Women need to use discernment and wisdom, and if it’s clear the man is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, steer clear. This is why one needs to re-think the idea of dating just for the sake of dating. Also why are you making judgmental statements about someone for not being married? What exactly is wrong with being single? There are plenty of married men who are also on the “down low” and doing things they shouldn’t, but that is something they will have to answer to God for. It’s not our place to judge, at any rate. Tend to our own gardens as they say…and don’t try to assess someone’s worthiness or character simply on the bases of whether or not he’s put a ring on it.
@ladeedaa “The Church is not to blame for women remaining single and lonely”
I have a friend who will not date this dude who really likes her because he doesn’t go to church on Sundays. Dude is a responsible man has a successful established business as a barber and makes good money, owns his own home. He met my friend when she brought her son into cut his hair. She’s a single mom and he’s a single dad.
I told my friend she is being a hypocrite. She wasn’t thinking about God when she was all up in that dude she had that baby with and they weren’t married so why she trying to act all Christian now. But see that’s when she turned all hard core Christian on me (We stopped hanging like we used to). Her mom made her feel so bad for having a baby out of wedlock she became all hard core christian almost as if to make up for her past transgressions (her words).
So here this dude is, who has custody of his son and even though they’ve gone out a few times, she said she needs a man who believes in God and goes to church. Her pastor told her she must meet a man who is equally yoked and a God fearing man’.
So when you have a pastor in a church feeding women all of this ‘hogwash’ who do you think is responsible for women staying single and lonely and missing their opportunity with a good man who wants to be with them? That passa up in that church.
@Razzy Hi, Razzy! Thank you for answering my comment. I’m going to respond with asking you a question: Do you think it’s impossible for a person to change? Also, why would that change automatically make a person a “hypocrite?” Seems to me that’s a value judgement on your part
In a sense your statement reminds me of people may have been alcoholics or drug addicts but who feel threatened when one of the ‘running partners’ decided they want to get clean and sober. Think of people whom you know who may be overweight/obese and have a group of friends who comiserate and eat together, but never do anything about their weight. Then one day one of the ladies decides she’s had enough. So she starts to diet and exercise, and eventually gets fit and trim. However, instead of being happy for their friend, the fat ladies feel threatened and they accuse her of everything under the sun from being ‘stuck up” to being a ‘hypocrite.” After all, she ate food before and now she thinks she’s better than us? LOL. Seriously though. Turning over a new leaf and keeping it turned doesn’t make one a hypocrite in any way shape or fashion.
Would you call your friend a hypocrite if say she were addicted to alcohol or drugs, but then went into recovery and for the sake of her own sobriety stopped hanging out with the people she formerly partied with, people whom she knows could take her down a dark path again? Probably not. So why would or should she put herself in spiritual harm’s way but dating a man whom doesn’t share her beliefs and is very clear about it? Consider this: maybe your friend, despite years of having pre-marital sexual relationships that were going nowhere i.e. one nighters, “booty calls” et al, realized one day that sort of thing wasn’t truly making her happy nor bringing her anywhere closer to the true love she wants in her life? Maybe she realized that fornication is a sin and wasn’t the answer to her loneliness? and she felt remorse for it? and asked God to forgive her? It can happen. Maybe she knows if she starts dating that particular man, she may fall back into a pattern of sexual immorality? Better she remain unmarried and celibate than to lose her soul! Better to avoid the temptation than mindlessly fall head first into it…and regret it later.
I’m sure you care about your friend and want to see her happy, but I think that it’s very difficult for a person who is on the outside of someone else’s life looking in to understand why someone else might need to make what they seem to think is a drastic step…cutting some folks off. It’s never been easy to try to go on a path that is one others can’t or won’t understand because they want to keep you tied to your past and then throw it in your face at every possible opportunity.
The idea of not being unequally yoked” is not hogwash. A good marriage should be on a common ground. If a person’s religious beliefs are too diverse or one isn’t as committed as another, it can cause conflict, and be harmful to the believer. All too often a person compromises their basic core values/principles in order to get/keep a lover, and then spends the rest of their lives regretting it. That’s exactly how some women wind up having babies out of wedlock or getting into partying, drugs and alcohol in the first place!
Instead of calling your friend a “hypocrite” and trying to put pressure on her to hook up with someone, maybe you should instead encourage her to take her time, and to not settle, and to wait for the best in her life…whom SHE feels is best, not whom you think is best for her. There’s nothing wrong with being unmarried. Unmarried doesn’t have to equate to loneliness. There’s many kinds of love out there: friendship, platonic friendships, that sort of thing. I think society ignores that all too often in worshipping at the altar of Romantic Love/Sexuality.
Also, regarding blaming the church for someone’s marital status. That is a cop out. Emotionally mature people know they must assume personal responsibility for their choices in life. It’s the only way a person can truly grow.
@ladeedaa
First of all slow your roll and reign yourself back in. You all off on some tangent, you have created some saga that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with my friend’s situation. She’s not involved in any addictions, other than church addiction. She was not one to be involved in booty calls or one night stands. Her baby was the result of a long term relationship to a dude she was engaged with who was in church by the way, in fact he was part of a single’s youth ministry and she met him in church and he ended up cheating on her, so… such much for your colorful, imaginative story of my friends life. Next time, talk what you know and stop up making up things to support your nonexistent point.
The so called man of church was cheating her. Here she has a man who has treated her very well. But he doesn’t go to church. That should not be a mark against him. But if she’s so churchified like a lot of churchified broads are, she will miss what’s in front of her by listening to a minister who is probably lusting after her himself.
And as fornication, all these churchified folks do that. That’s what makes them hypocrites. They cherry pick what scripture to live by and ignore the rest. If they are truly changed, they’d live by all of them. And stop doing what they want, and turning asking for forgiveness all the time and claiming to be saved.
“Better she remain unmarried and celibate than to lose her soul’
What? Child pluueeze, my friend is a young woman in her prime of her life. She ain’t hardly going to live like a nun. Maybe that works for you. So if you are living like one, fine, but don’t think others should do the same. And since all ya’ll church women says God forgives y’all for everything anyway, then he’ll forgive her for having sex.. because she can always say she was weak to the flesh lolol.
Anyway, your long post basically amounts to this. You come off as a fanatical churchified broad. I would most definitely not encourage any woman to listen to you. She’d cut her throat and be miserable. Because you talk crazy talk even for religious women.
@ladeedaa
You are the reason why a lot of black men don’t go to church. They all talk about those crazy fanatical church broads. It’s a running joke. And after reading your post, I concur.