The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
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Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
First I think that each, man and woman have to know themselves before the ALMIGHTY. Of cost the body always has its needs by both man and woman, but without control of it, how can you control a family?
The churches and any other organization where women are the majority, of cost they will have a tendency to retain them, simply because they, the women are the main providers.
And as far as a woman being a help-meet toward her man, and able to make him a better man, that’s Scripture for her to do so.
Most of the men and women of today World have lost their purpose toward each other, there by, doing their own thing. Isaiah 4:1.
Shalom,
As a FORMER single black woman and a Christian, I wonder if the churches and the examples you have found are way too TRADITIONAL. I know that for much of the 20th century the black church was not successful in a multitude of ways.
But, I for one as a Christian see the church as a whole changing. It is too much to believe that the Christian man that God may have for you is black – why limit yourself? Also, too many Christians have been led astray to believe that all fun is sin. Not so – our singles play cards and host card parties, we dance and party – we have just learned that it is more effective to take the filth out of what we do.
Holiness is not comprised of long skirts and meekness. It is what is in your heart, and souls desires. And gender roles have gone out the window too. Several of the churches we partner with are led by Women of God.
I have seen more marriages in my current church on this past year than I saw in my former church EVER. Both women and men who love God and love each other, in their overall desire to please God in their lives, for the rest of their collective lives. I myself married in 2002 to a man with no kids, no bills, a Chemistry Degree, and his own EVERYTHING. And this has been the norm. As my pastor teaches… Don’t get so DEEP that you just get WEIRD.
As a side note, I wonder where the notion of leadership became brainwashing. If it were on your job, it would be considered mentoring. If it were a family member it would be considered good advice. If my spiritual leader with a track record of not only being open and honest about their successes but their failings as well wanted to impart some of that into me to help me have more successes, why would I take issue with that? I think there is some bitterness at the root of this article that should not be taken as context for the real issues outlined for the church as a whole.
Thank you for saying what many of us single women are experiencing regarding the church. Any woman who has gone to church alone and looked around and seen nothing but a tribe of single women has had the same thoughts but just won’t admit it. This article is not bashing religion it is just explaining a truth today about the black church.
What I have discovered over time is that God is bigger than “church.” Church is only necessary to bring people together. If Church is not bringing the men and women together, then I have to assume that God is capable of having more than one way to do things. Otherwise, what an insult to Him!
I have also discovered by personal experience that if you find a man in church, and he is not in any of the above categories, and he is well learned, dressed and emotionally intelligent, he is in all likelihood married. This is particularly true for age groups over 35. The young man who is 28 has a point; however, he has never had to sit in church (whether black or white) and suddenly realize that appearing in church is not going to change the demographics of attendance.
Those that are there, are there. There will not be some sudden influx of eligible men one Sunday as a mature woman sits amongst all the other mature, funny, sweet, warm women she is surrounded by.
Men do not tend to go to church – that’s a given. That doesn’t make them any less of a Christian. It doesn’t make them less intelligent or eligible. It does make them inaccessible to the women who do show up every Sunday or Wednesday or Friday.
Think like God – if you can’t get them one way, there are at least 3 other ways to go about it. God is accepting of everyone … and there is absolutely no rule I’ve ever encountered that states that we women have to find our man in a church. Man created church, not God. God created man. And I know my man is out somewhere in the world – certainly not sitting in the pew behind me.
I can feel the passion and concern that you have for African American women and your desire to liberate them from the traditions that often impede them but I have a firm disagreement with your approach. First, let me locate myself in this discussion. I am a 28 year old, African American male, that is a PhD candidate in Religion and a life long Christian.
Although there is much I disagree with in this piece, I recognize that you point to some very real and disturbing trends: many churches have not progressed in their understanding of gender equity and relations in order to respond to the shifting cultural landscape, too many houses of worship don’t model the relational dynamic of Christ – in which relations are not to be understand in terms of power over the other but to live in radical equality with our neighbor, and there are capitalistic factors that negatively impact women in many houses of worship.
Your oversimplification of the types of men in the church are unhelpful to understand the complex nature of people in a congregation. These “characters” do exist but do not neglect to point that women are there as these “characters” as well. No one is perfect, especially in places of worship or they wouldn’t be there!
To argue that going to church – whatever ambiguous church you are referring to – makes one a sheep is unfruitful and not fully accurate because the church has been a place of healing for many women. Women won’t be “sheep” as long as women are intellectually active in their own spiritual formation. Your broad-stroked statements of what a woman won’t find in church is discouraging and does not sound rooted in any hopeful understanding of what the “church” has done to empower women against many of the atrocities that occurred in the name of God and patriarchy.
There is much more I would like to say but I will conclude with this. I agree women who frequent houses of worship must be diligent in carving out a well-balanced life. Advocating women to leave the church wholesale to find what one desires is a viable but uncritical option because the church for many is more than match.com but provides family in the truest sense due to the erosion of the nuclear family concept. This article, which I believe is rooted from a good place, does many damaging things – gross stereotypes, ignoring the current virtues of church, dismissing the historical role churches enabled women to change culture in order to bring liberation to others, and not advocating a well-rounded approach to life with church but rather asking women to shun the church. I advocate strongly for broadening and even destroying certain religious and cultural views that dehumanize women but a blanket critique on “church” and ignoring many of the complexities that exist in these issues does not build bridges to greater understanding but drives wedges in places that could be mended.
Amen!
I agree! I think the article is coming from a good place, however the argument loses its edge with many of the statements. I can say that the Black church does a great deal of “teaching” towards women about having a God-fearing man, but with the men they say wait, or do little if any teaching on the ‘importance’ of getting married.
So on some level you do have two contradictions happening. You have women preparing for this man, and you have the church “not adequately” rearing “this man” that the women is waiting for.
I’d argue that as women we contribute to this dissonance by not allowing or little boys to grow up and take on responsibility, the are coddled and held to a lower standard-where as the girls in the church are expected to have a plan, walk in holiness, and act with decorum etc…
The way the article is written doesn’t do much for dialogue or create balance in our thinking it just makes you want to agree or disagree.
Contrary to your statement, the article has created a LOT of dialogue all over the country and all over the Internet. It is not my responsibility to create balance in your thinking my dear, that is your job. My job is to present a viewpoint that many may find foreign, or have never considered and to get them to THINK about what they do and why they do it. Whatever decision they make, whatever benefits they derive, and whatever may come out of their consideration (or if readers never think about it at all!) is not my concern.
On the other points you mentioned… the contractions in church and the spoiled men being raised in our community… you are spot on.
Please expound on the current virtues of the church if you will. Thank you.
I can’t think of any LaVonda. Thank you.
Great pieces from both you and Deborrah, Christelyn. I agree that, unfortunately, many sisters seem to be treating God as a “genie” and expecting to be delivered a black prince in exchange for their service to their church community and their many prayers. I think many women miss the “mysterious ways” in which God chooses to answer us: in the silence to these “black prince” requests, in the slim pickings in many churches, in the presence of men from other ethnicities who express interest in us, in the comments of friends who encourage us to expand our horizons.
I’ll never forget what Lorraine said in my book, about how she’d been praying for a Christian man… but when she met the man who ultimately became her husband, she tried to get him to go away. Finally she realized she’d been praying for a Christian man– and here he was. He just wasn’t in the package she’d expected, since he was white and a little nerdy. They’ve been married now for 15 years! LOL.
In the name of “religion”–and I don’t think we have to limit ourselves to Christianity– black women (indeed all women) around the world have been suppressed, oppressed and repressed. I’ve heard horror stories from women who “escaped” from the Nation of Islam and other black Muslim churches because they felt their resources were being taken advantage of in ways similar to what Christelyn and others described. If there’s a conspiracy, it’s in the mindsets of those who exploit the weakness of others for their own interests. You’ll find that in any human endeavor, churches included.
This is miss leading and what it tells me is black people always want to do things our way and not the Lord’s way, do we then wonder why we don’t have a community? this is for deborrah please get your facts right before you put articles or research like this up. please read below.
What are appropriate reasons for missing church?
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Question: “What are appropriate reasons for missing church?”
Answer: Many people have an improper and/or unbiblical understanding of church attendance. Some people feel that they must attend church legalistically, being at church virtually every time there is any kind of service or meeting. Some people experience a feeling of guilt whenever they miss a Sunday morning service. Sadly, some churches encourage this guilt by putting excessive pressure on people to attend regularly. In the matter of church attendance, the most crucial thing to understand is that the quality of a person’s relationship with God is not determined by how often he/she is in church. Similarly, God’s love for His children is not based on the number of times they attend formal services.
There is no doubt that Christians, followers of Jesus Christ, should attend church. It should be the desire of each and every Christian to worship corporately (Ephesians 5:19-20), to fellowship with and encourage other Christians (1 Thessalonians 5:11), and to be taught God’s Word (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Attending church should be a joy, not a dreaded and dreary assignment. Just as God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7), so He is pleased with a genuinely cheerful church attendee (Hebrews 10:24-25).
What then are appropriate reasons for missing church? Is it acceptable to miss church to attend a sporting event? Yes. Is it acceptable to miss church while on vacation? Yes. Is it acceptable to miss church when you are sick/ill? Yes. Is it acceptable to miss church because you are tired from a difficult week? Yes. Like so many other issues in the Christian life, church attendance can become legalistic instead of a matter of grace. A person does not have to attend church to be saved, to be a good Christian, to grow spiritually, etc. Rather, a Christian should attend church to learn about the greatness of God’s gift of salvation, to learn how to become more like Christ, and to have opportunities to minister to others.
Why do you attend church? Is it to make yourself appear spiritual? Is it to interact with possible business contacts? Is it out of legalistic thinking that says the more frequently you walk through the doors of a church, the more God is pleased with you? Is your Sunday morning filled with family strife, arguing, and screaming, followed by attending church with pasted-on smiling, happy faces? In such an instance, it would be better to stay home and work on biblically resolving the conflict in your family, instead of making a token appearance at church.
It all comes down to perspective and priorities. The busyness of many people’s lives makes church attendance more of a chore than a blessing. If attending church is not important enough, or valuable enough, to make it a priority, either something is wrong with your church or something is wrong with your attitude about church. Is your church attendance nothing more than arriving one minute before the service starts, sitting bored and inattentively through the worship and sermon, and then leaving immediately after the service ends? If so, you might as well have missed church, as you did not take anything from it, and you contributed nothing to it.
We should want to attend church so we can fellowship with others who have also experienced the amazing grace of Jesus Christ. We should avoid missing church, whenever possible, because we recognize the importance of hearing God’s Word, applying it to our lives, and sharing it with others. We should attend church, not to collect spiritual bonus points, but because we love God and recognize what His Word says about the importance of corporate fellowship and worship (Hebrews 10:24-25). Every Christian should attend church regularly. At the same time, missing church for a good reason is in no sense a sin or something that should cause feelings of guilt.
When you miss (do not attend) church, do you miss (have a longing for) church? If so, that is a sign you have a good and biblical connection with church. If not, that is a sign you need to re-evaluate your choice of church and/or participation in church. God knows our hearts. God is not impressed by a person attending every Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, mid-week service, and Bible study opportunity a church offers. God’s desire is that we utilize the local church for our own spiritual edification and the use of our spiritual gifts to minister to others.
God is not about black and white he loves everyone we are all his children, maybe is because of our thinking why some of us are not bless, if one church wants to be anti black woman you can’t put that as a beliefs of christian, God has spoken he is the same today, yesterday and forever, the devil is so busy and everyone wants to turn the focus on God people, one day the time will come every knees will bow and every toung qwill confess period, for now people can gloryfy satan and all is followers but the blood of Jesus is alive and kicking..! I love God and I can’t stand when people try to mock him or say things that are untrue.
maybe these churches that the research was done on that are behaving in this manner are not church but cults organisation instead??? we have to be so carefully when saying things like this, I love to attend church because I love corporate worship, God is everywhere. stay bless Lisa
Get my facts right? Girl please! I write what I want to write on MY BLOG. This is MY OPINION. Whoever wrote what you posted is sharing their opinion, just as I am sharing mine. I have my belief about women and the lack of benefits that church brings them, and we do not now, nor will we ever agree.
Church is nothing but a building. Black women do not NEED to go to a specific building to be spiritually connected to each other or to God! Black women do not NEED to give their money to some pimp ass preacher/minister/pastor to find God or salvation! Black women do not NEED to associate with men that are out to use and game on them under the guise of religion – something these pimp ass dudes know will “get them” every time!
What I write is not misleading at all, it is truth. What women like you don’t want to admit is that you have been misled your entire life and don’t want to see the truth because its too painful. Seeing something you’ve believed blindly in, and never questioned requires that you open your mind and eyes and make your own choices, instead of being told what to do like a trained animal.
Black people need to do things OUR way for a change. We did what the slave master said, then we do what the Bible says (the slave master’s religion by the way). So when is it that Black Americans are going to do things their way? I’m still waiting.
It’s great that you have the belief that you do, I am not telling people not to go to church if they get some true benefit from it, just as I said on the radio show last night.
But if you are seeking something in church and not finding it, STOP GOING and seek what you need elsewhere. Church ain’t for everybody, neither is college. That’s why there are so many different religions and ways to see and be in the world.
I am not sure if it is an american thing girl please! “I AM A BLACK BRITISH AND PROFESSIONAL WOMAN ” am sorry if some preacher have pimp you deborrah, different strokes for different folks.! you sound like a bitter black woman who was promise a man and never got one in the church or you was with a minister and he left you and now you want to expose him!! how could you base a one or how man research for the whole black church, sweet heart I am not a enslaving myself, I am wise and old enough to know that want you have written or projected is nonesense and totally wrong.
Is every black man bad? if you say yes you must have dated the whole black race of men, if you get where I am coming from, you can write what you want love, like you said it my blog like a kid, just because it is your party it does’nt mean you can do want you want, sometime we have to control ourselves and think before we take action, the article i poste is from the bible, as suppose you are going to say well man wrote the bible.!!
you stated that church is nothing but a building, well you are nothing without God, spiritually connected? are you a christian? you can only be spiritually connected when you are a christian, if you are not a christian you are spritually dead darling..!
women like me? I AM BLESS in every which way, by the living blood of JESUS..! all i can do is pray for you you sound hurt and in a lot of pain. if you think you have the best advice for black women and the community how about you doing a research on them not to get rich but build wealth instead as it goes a long way, don’t attack God people! Deborrah you are lacking knowledge in so many areas, you have alot to learn, and you are really miss leading people to hell, there are good and bad everywhere, but don’t put all black church and black women as stupid, i am certainly not stupid, i am a cheerfully giver and that why the lord bless me and promote me all the time.
there will be a time when people who go against god will bow down and also confess, the time is near, my sister what you are doing is in revelation, work for the devil, but as i am writing this note i pray in the name of Jesus that no weapon form against God people will not prosper in Jesus name. AMEN
There is a saying don’t argue with a fool as people from afar won’t know who the fool is..!
The bible is the slave master religion? sounds like you are still in chain, move on love, are you in the same religion as jay-z and oprah?? don’t answer i understand now you are working for the devil, listen the lord has spoken if you don’t except jesus as your personal saviour you will go to hell. bless
I agree the piece is an eye opener. A tough truth we as black women have to face. I believe one should keep her options open for the good and right reasons. We also have to remember that racism has placed our value as black women on the lowest totem pole. Odds of finding a mate are just damn tough as the world of men, including black men, do not belive we are worthy of marriage (it’s a comment on them not us!)
We must continue to learn to love ourselves and not equate THE Church’s will with that of God’s, which is vastly different. Nor should we run to ‘other races/places’ if we think we might find a ‘better match’. There are no gurantees either way. Yes, keep those options open, you never know but it’s still hard out there for a sistah. I firmly believe GOD’s plan is underway to change our deplorable condition.
“In the name of religion”. That is the POINT. I love what you wrote. Deborrah’s article was a snippet of the issue, from HER point of view. But ANY institution that exploits “the weak” for their own interests are all bad. We are all tip toeing around the church for fear of God striking us down.
If he’s the GOD you truly believe he is, then you should be afraid he will strike us down for NOT addressing this issue. Women are being abused in the church. Period. Deal with it.
I’ve been saying literally forever that the black church is the worst thing to happen to black women. They are invested in keeping black women single and needy. After all, if all those single black women marry who else is going to contribute to their ever-empty coffers? Who else is going to buy those jack-leg preachers their annual Cadillac and give him and his wife lavish anniversary gifts?
Besides, those single black women serve as back-up pussy for the pastor and the few other men in the church. It’s a sickening situation, and black women are beyond stupid for buying into yet another myth.
Thanks for writing this eye-opening article Deborrah, but expect to get excoriated for your efforts, I know I have been.
Thank you for a painfully honest article. I was in my mid teens when I figured out this scam by black churches that has been perpetrated for eons.
I watched my beloved maternal Grandmother who had been widowed at a very early age, waste her entire life waiting for that magically perfect black Christian man who was going to embody all of the things that her preacher droned on about week after week, year after year. But all the while there was one gentleman who was madly in love with my Grandmother, but because this man was not a church going individual ~ she rebuffed his attempts at romance and even an offer of marriage, more than once I might add.
When that same man finally grew tired of waiting for my Grandmother, he ended up marrying the preacher’s sister! Needless to say, that crushed my Grandmother, but she had no one else to blame. Instead of following the good sense in her own heart, she chose to listen and put her truth in some preacher who was more interested in getting his weekly tithes than anything else.
I made a promise to myself at the age of 15, that I would not repeat the same mistakes in my own life. There is a world of difference between having faith and being a blind follower.
Insert Sarcasm-wow I thought the primary purpose of attending church for a believer is to worship God, receive teaching to become a better disciple, and fellowship with other believers. Who knew church was supposed to be a meat market to find Mr. Right. lol
This dribble is full of scriptural errors and in additon, I find it absurb that a non-believer can tell believers how to find a man and where to find a man. Ludicrous!
True believers are not trying to do things as the world does.
I am not telling anybody WHERE to find a man, only where they ain’t gonna find one. Surely you don’t think the only reason a single woman goes to church is to go to church? Church is a social setting where people of both genders interact and “fellowship” and if a woman is single and looking for a husband, doesn’t go to clubs and bars, where the hell do you think she is gonna meet a man that is “equally yoked.”
It is also funny to me how some of you church people come on here and act like you are better than other church people that you deem to not be “TRUE CHRISTIANS” or “TRUE BELIEVERS”… that superior attitude like any woman that would love to find a man that has the same faith somehow makes her less than you. You are exactly the type of person that runs people away from church because of your pompous judgmental attitudes.
The correct word is top notch drivel. You need to learn how to spell.
Wow, this is an amazing article. I applaud the author on having the bravery to say what needs to be said. Often we, as a community, allow our faith to be a crutch to our ignorance. I know I can’t be the only church goer to notice that the church is filled w/ women and that the only men/boys are the sons of the women that come.
I remember being a teenager and looking around and being able to count the boys my age on ONE HAND. I remember the pastors sermons telling the women how to serve and obey her man and very few sermons for men to learn how to woe, love and appreciate their women.
I am a young woman now, married w/ children. And I did not find my man in the church. Occasionally he accompanies me to church and he is a wonderful person. But he does not need to go to church to define himself. He goes to uplift himself when he chooses to.
I don’t think the author is advising black women to demean themselves or act like hoes to meet a man. Just to go where men actually are!
I can’t clap loud enough for you to hear! Thank you so much for telling the truth. I have women ask me all the time (when I am single) how do I meet men so fast, easy answer I go where they go. If I am looking for a man, why would I go to places filled with women. As for the church, I could go on and on, about the dumbing down of society by the use of religion, so before I run away with myself thank you for putting the truth out there.
To females, regardless of color, who have found themselves dominated, alienated, controlled, repressed, or made to feel inferior by men, the church (regardless of the affiliation), or anyone / anything / any other group – there is no excuse, IT IS JUST WRONG! As long as we are on the GOD/church issue – I would suggest the Churches go back and read their Bibles. There is nothing in there that indicates we as women should be treated in any other way than with dignity, respect, & reverence!
Since when did the house of God become the center of the “dating game” for believers? Clearly this article has been written out of the personal experience and frustrations of the writer! They need to re-evaluate there own personal priorities in life as it relates to church, men, and relationships!
1. The last time I read and recalled, the saints of God belong to the body of christ not the black church, white church, indian church or etc. No religious institution forces any of its flock, guest, or members to stay within the confines of its walls if they are discontent with any message or don’t want to be there! Every single women or individual makes a consciousness decision to get up, drive to or walk, and attend his or her local assembly!
2. The Bible does teach its followers the importance of submissiveness, but it instructs not only women to be submissive, but men to be submissive to Christ as Well! The Apostle Paul stated to the Corinthian Church “to follow him as he followed Christ!” This statement clearly meant that as long as he was teaching and living a lifestyle according to the word of God that it’s members should do the same! If he was not teaching and living as the scriptures taught they were not suppose to follow him (Paul). It is my opinion that many of us have grown up and have believed at some pt., and would like to continue to think that our pastors whether men or women are flawless, without fault, and are the embodiment of the word as our Lord and saviour Jesus was! But the truth of the matter is they are not! They are men given to like passions as we are, and individuals who have to read, study, be taught and led as we do!
2. “Single black women are being subtively brainwashed?” In most of todays prominent quote “black churches” the pastors either shares joint pastoralship with either their wives or a female affiliate! So my question back to you (author) what would be the continued excuse for black women being single when their are black churches headed by and shared with women?
The house of God or local Church is designated to be a institution where its members are taught to have a relationship with God 1st and far most! (hearing, reading, praying, praising etc.) In todays time there are probably more black women who are far more college educated than black men, who are able to pick up and read, and interpret scripture to find out what the Bible really has to say about Submission or anything else! So if women or anyone are being brainwash I fault the individual for not trying to learn or read on there own in addition to what is being taught also! Think, when you were in college, at work or anywhere how many times did you challenge your professors, managers, or instructors and found them at fault or even made them question there own mistakes? So the statement about women being brainwashed is a bunch of hogwash and another excuse!
“Black women should abandon the black church or any organized religion!” REALLY??? I agree that most women black or any color have been at the very core of the church even from the very beginning! Mary and Martha were the 1st two to discover that Christ has risen from the grave, and when they went to tell Jesus disciples (12Men) they did not believe them! But if black women or women are to abandon those local institutions who will continue to be the backbone or teach others or correct those men who maybe erroring in their headship?
I have to agree with some of the findings of the PEW study’s! Going to church does not guarantee either of us Men or women the possibility of a potential mate, nor does it guarantee to make us more attractive or interesting, but what it is meant to guarantee as long as we are seeking God is a relationship with him and the potential promise of eternal life to those who believe!
I’m not sure what church you are attending, but if the one that you (author) are attending only has to offer the 4 set of potential single men that you have listed for our reading then I suggest that you do abandon your local church quick, fast, and in a hurry! It sound like you maybe attending a prison prescinct rather than an actual church!
I do not believe that any woman has the moral burden to uphold anyone but themselves, family, and loved ones! The decision to support black men, the black community, or the black church is a moral responsibility that people choose to do by choice or because they have found somethings within each of these institutions that they identify with!
Yes it is probably true that single women in the church can find a man or good man outside of the church institution, but finding a single God fearing man that shares her values and spiritual values may change those possibilities! The Bible says” “Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?
As a black man who is very entuned to the issues of black women I am very aware of the issues that black women have been frustrated with! I’m aware because I am constantly exposed to the conversations, blogs, and other instruments that women have found to vocalize there issues! However as it relates to this article I do not think the issue is with the “black church,” but the individual.
In closing, It is my hope and prayer that you, other black women and others who share this plight find the answers, happiness, and whatever it is that you are looking for! Not just in the black church but in life period!
Sir, you cannot be any less informed. Though you may read women’s writings and hear women complain, you are not a woman and you do not absorb the energy of men as a female would. Therefore you would have no clue as to what we are talking about when we say that women are being controlled by men in churches.
As for the two or three women that are “co-pastors” which really is about as meaningful as being an administrative assistant that sometimes gets to make presentations at lunch meetings, how many women are Bishops, area directors and Pastors of their own large churches with hundreds and thousands of members? None that I know of.
Your fantasy filled and idealistic view of church and how it is for women is amusing. You really don’t think women going to church hope to meet “a good Black man” or “a God-fearing man” while they are there? Don’t you think that if a woman isn’t going to nightclubs, not going to bars, and not going to parties, that she will utilize the spiritual commonality of the church to bring her romance?
You obviously didn’t read anything I’ve written before you made this comment, so you jumped to all kinds of conclusions then based your response on your assumptions. I have no negative experiences with church because I am not a church goer. When I have visited churches for a few minutes here and there around the country, I saw all I needed to see in 5 minutes and was OUTY.
I repeat, Black women in churches are being lectured to, made to feel wrong and small and sinful. They are being manipulated and controlled and told to wait for love to come. And wait. And wait. You may not want to believe it, but that doesn’t make it a lie.
One cannot address a problem until the ROOT of it is dug out. Christianity, BY ITS VERY NATURE is anti-female, anti-woman.
All the interpretations, extrapolations, examinations, falsifications and any other ‘tions will not change that fact.
I find it to be so interesting when folks try to seperate religion from the people who ‘practice’ the religion. Religions, like all man made creations do not happen in a vaccuum. They are not created, and thats it. They are created, adjusted, perpetuated, assimilated, refuted, interpreted and propogated BY HUMANS. they are not static entities. They are alive…full of the experiences, thoughts and life force of those who practice it. To try to distance what people expereince and exhibit in said religion, from the religion itself, doesnt make sense. If that was the case, then all religions wouldnt require the “chosen people”, “getting saved” component, which DIFFERENCIATE, in the participants mind, him from the “non-believer”. BY claiming the religion, you ARE the religion and all it represents. And if you are miserable, unhappy, in poverty, oppressed, shamed, guilted, lonely, angry, hostile and jugdemental, then THE RELGION ITSELF becomes those things. You are are a living, breathing part of the whole.
if I have cancer in my liver, MY WHOLE BODY IS SICK. I cannot seperate myself from what one part of my body is doing, when its all connected.
if people do not live up to the so called “intended” purpose of Christianity, then there must be somthing lacking in it that doesnt allow its practioners to TRANSFORM.
No offense to bruh who commented above, but he is guilty of cognitive dissonance. He, like most followers of religion try to distance themselves from the gap between what the religion espouses, but what it actually does. Religions are made up of individuals. If the “individuals” who follow said religion are not experiencing transformative properties, then the religion must somehow NOT be right.
Black women continuing to follow spiritual belief systems which denegrate then will continue to feel low self esteem, anger, resentment, hostility and “alone”.
Its time to EXAMINE what we were taught was GOSPEL and find out if it really does us any good.
RELIGION IS ONLY AS GOOD AS THOSE WHO FOLLOW IT.
Oh…and If i hear one more person declare that the male is the “NATURAL LEADER”, I think i might lose it.
What the hell does having a penis have to do with leadership abilities? And since all babies start off female, require female bodies to gestate, female mammory glands to feed them, female ‘nurturing’ energies to civilize, HOW IN THE WORLD can the “male” be the ‘NATURAL LEADER’?
Males have told you that mess so that you will not realize your own power. THEY are afraid that perhaps it is THEY who were created in a “helpers” capacity, and it is THEY who should be assisting YOU as you civilize humanity. It makes sense that since it is the female who carries most of the weight of life, then it would be the MALE who’s role is to AID and Helpmeet, HER!! That makes much more sense then the mess most folks be spout’n!
We have been sold a bill of goods, sistas! Yall need to wake up and realize that the power you keep handing over to others, is yours by DIVINE RIGHT and it is not required of you to defer to ANYONE! Nature, itself, is FEMALE in nature. It is the female of every species that continues life.
Stop waiting for a husband to lead you or a Savior to save you. YOU are what you’ve been looking for. The moment we realize that, shit is on and poppin! Our ancestors knew it. Its time we got ourselves together.
@Brooklyn – I think the number of Black women that are “awake” are a lot more than we’ve realized. These women are just not as outspoken against religion and patriarchy as I am, but they are coming forth, shyly and with hesitation, to let me know that I am not alone in my stance and that they have also made the decision that church and male control is not for them.
At the age of eight I made the decision that church was stupid. I kinda enjoyed Sunday school, but then I started asking questions. Always a precocious child, I asked questions that my Sunday school teacher didn’t know the answer to. As a teen I began to hear from boys that I was “supposed” to do or not do certain things, and that they were “supposed” to be the head of everything, because the Bible said so. Well, anyone that knows me knows THAT shit wasn’t gonna fly!
So what I believe now, I’ve believed for decades. Men are always suprised to meet a Black woman that doesn’t go to church and has no interest in religion at all. I believe its becasue once they hear that, they know I am not going to be controlled by them in any way, shape or form. And I don’t care if they don’t like it either.