The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely
Black Churches – Full of Foul Frauds and Fiends?
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
(continued on page 2 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture, The Black Church
The church is a necessary evil in our community. It is the crutch we were given as we were discharged from chattel slavery. The Roman Catholic religion that the master innitiated us into will always be a crown of thorns. Without the historical knowlege of self and others we will always be confused about the choice of men and the choice of religion, whether it be Christianity, Islam, etc. Who are you African? Where did you come from? Where is your Creator?
These are a few questions we should be asking ourselves as we look for a mate or a spiritual experience. And we had better do much research into the origins of our belief systems before we start confessing and professing. Then maybe we will find a good man or good woman.
It’s hilarious and yet sad at the time that women here who take exception to the article are doing exactly the same thing that the article speaks about. Oh, and they are throwing in the one about if God wants you to have a man he’ll send you one. This takes the cake!
See black women will indeed remain, single, horny and stupid
Yeah Justin, I know. 🙁
I have stated this many a times to black women to no avail. Black church women tend to do several things that lead to being single or divorced.
1. They make the preacher their man by taking his word over what their real husband or boyfriend says this makes most men feel like someone else has the mind of his woman and no man likes that.
2. They give way too much of their money to the church. Which again will start a financial argument with their spouses?
3. The try to put on an air which makes them unlikable and snobbish, therefore making it hard for them to get along with non-church going family members and friends of their mates.
4. They spend too much time at the church. Many 3 to 4 days a week for several hours. Where is the time for the man?
5. They don’t know how to just let loose and have fun sometimes, romantically or otherwise.
I agree and disagree.
One, there is a big misunderstanding about church that should be recognized that is that the church is not the building but the Believer who has a relationship with God,Going to church has become more of a social setting than a gathering for worship to God. Your concepts seem to be steeped in religiosity,unfortunately this part of your argument is highly supported and factual.
Some churches have been molesting the minds of the spiritually youthful for years with the “Pimp my church” theology degrading and setting us back into bondage. The Bible is narrowly and rarely followed and usually only used as a reference instead of a guide. The Bible is a Manual and should be studied by the individual attending church and followed with understanding.
We allow ourselves to be brainwashed when we limit our God to four wall enclosures. Church is big business these days and so social grouping is obviously important to it’s financial state. Since as you have stated woman are the financial benefactors as well as being the major support to church leadership.I am a minister who happens to also be a single/black woman and I believe social gatherings should be supported but not at the Friday night fish fry or all day Sunday services.
Go back to the old testament worshipers came together to worship when a man wanted a woman he went out to find one.Woman were sought out by men.Times have changed but that hasn’t.As a single woman I wouldn’t look for a man in the church Because any man or woman that is that institutionalized is living learned behavior.
I look for men who love God, but that’s shown through their actions outside the church.As a single Black woman I chose to be Spiritually free and I’m not alone there are many like me unfortunately men today are not looking to be in relationships and most woman have no true understanding of what submission is.
God Bless.
Black women are also the foundational and financial support of the black Churches. This is one of the main reason Ministers put other men down and have for many years encouraged the women to first be married to Jesus, putting him before their husband and children. This is the beginning of the division within the black families.
What is also sad is the fact that the men in the Church are worst than the non-Christians and non-believers. Most of these women have been indoctrinated and programmed from early childhood but there is hope that one day their reasoning brain will open up for them to see the light.
I totally agree with this article….she nail it right on the head………….I don’t go to church all the time…some times, but not all the time…and yes I have notice the types of men that go there are mostly broken men……or gay men or player on the prowl…very few “real” men……I’m a single woman , but I’m not lonely and desperate….I do have a kid and I do and have expanded my horizon……..I think the old fashioned churches are like that, but the new churches with new pastors are gearing towards improving your life……and getting your finance together….thru classes that they have….they also have classes on marriage…couples take this class before they get married…..sometimes people try to put down other people who don’t belong or go to church…they seem to thing The church is your identity or something…if you are not in the church you are not with the “In Crowd” you’re nobody” until you belong to a particle church….
I can speak from both sides of the fence. I’m Christian, college educated with a masters degree and was single until my early thirties. I honestly believed that I would never get married because of all the doom and gloom forecasts and statistics. I didn’t go on one single date when I was in high school. I married a man that I met in church. He’s a wonderful father, husband, provider and Christian. We have a great marriage with loads of good, clean fun. I did not feel comfortable dating someone who drinks, smokes, cussess, and parties. Marriage is a sacred, lifetime committment and I did not want to spend my life with someone who doesn’t share my spirtual values. I would have rather spent my life alone than to be with someone who does those things so I can understand exactly how these women feel. Whenever I read articles, like this one, I suggest that people expand their horizons and find a great church. They are out there as are the great men. There are so many happy love stories out there. My parents met in church and are headed for their fiftieth anniversary. Both sets of my grandparents were married in the church and were married until death. My husband’s parents are approaching their fiftieth anniversary. I almost feel like we are afraid to focus on the happy endings. We’re blessed to be surrounded by great role models.
We as black people are a beautiful diverse group. We have a Godly heritage.
It’s interesting to me how simple minded Black folks always want to jump to the conclusion that someone has been “hurt” by some mysterious person or entity. Black folks that are proponents of Christianity and female subjugation also love to use the word “bitter” when they describe a woman that vocally and vehemently disagrees with their propoganda. lolol! It’s so typical, so unoriginal, and so ridiculous it makes me laugh. Then I shake my head at the ignorance.
In reality, I have not been hurt by anything. I am hardly bitter either. What I am doing is awakening the minds and reasoning skills of what has turned out to be millions of people around the globe. Due to this article, people are asking themselves and each other “Why am I going to church? Am I going to find what I am looking for within those four walls? Am I being pimped by my church?” Some may come to confidently believe they are doing the right thing and I applaud them. Others may open their eyes and see their churches and the people running them in a new light and exit stage left. Whatever happens I am fine with because my job is only to awaken sleeping people to the reality they may have ignored. Whatever they do with that reality is their affair.
While I agree with the overall premise about black women and the church, I was disappointed by so much of the “hurt black woman” laced throughout this article — manifesting itself by blaming everyone else in the church for this problem. After growing up in the church I’ve decided that the regular Sunday visits are not for me, but I do know several good brothers who attend regularly to worship, not to be opportunistic players. Is it that these guys are also no good because they choose to not participate in the church dating game? You left out what I consider to be the main problem with this issue – I call it “I’ve been hurt by men so God is my husband now,” using him as a measurement and barrier for any real potential relationship.
This piece is full of mass generalizations and also built on the assumption that finding a mate in the house of God is the main motivation of the majority of single church-goers. As a 21-year-old woman who is constantly growing spiritually and also attends church regularly, I am often disappointed in tirades like this come from some of the most influential voices in our community. The discourse on possibilities of love, relationships, and family life that our figurative big sisters engage in passes to my generation a spirit of bitterness and pessimism, instead of the vivacity and rich potential that comes with healthy love relationships.
You don’t even understand what you read. Typical 21 year old with poor reading comprehension skills. SMH. Go back and read it again so that you can understand the true message here. No one said that is the “MAIN motivation for the majority of single church goers.” I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion with all the other information I put in that article, but again, such conclusions are an indication of poor comprehension skills.
Hi Deborrah,
I’ve been wrestling with how to respond to your article. There were two things I began to sense in your tone that suggest a level of bitterness towards both black men and the black church. I don’t know you so you more than likely have had experiences that support your feelings. However, I do think you make some good and not so good points. Let me begin with the good and go from there.
There are many suspicious characters in church on any given sunday. So yes, I would agree that there are Pentecostal playboys and some undercover brothers but there are also many, many solid men who don’t have something wrong with them or on some twelve step program. (Aside: when did it become a bad thing for a man to go to church to engage in a community to get help or work on his issue(s)?). Also, it appears that we differ in how one defines strength as a man. As a man I can tell you it takes more strength to acknowledge that weakness exists and to do something about it rather than masquerades as if he has it all figured out or try and do it all by myself. Trying to do it all by oneself is foolishness! Your argument that men won’t take another man judging them, telling them what to do or correcting them is completely false and off base. Look at any team sport like football or basketball or soccer. All of these sports have coaches telling them what to do, helping them deal with their limitations and judging their performance and effort. Furthermore, they have teammates constant challenging them. What I would argue instead is that in church and more specifically the black church, that men are no longer be challenged by other men and many churches don’t have pastors that men respect. They are often talked about by preachers but not challenged by them or their fellow male counterparts.
You state that finding a mate in church for the black woman is unrealistic. When did the going to church become more about finding a suitable mate then building and cultivating one relationship with God? I understand that your argument is more about the type of men women are encouraged to find as suitable mates but I felt compelled to make this point. Nonetheless, not every God fearing man attends church. The black church and the church in general must do a better job of reaching men and in our case, black men.
Throughout your article you state that women stay in bad circumstances and I agree with that 100%. I also agree that women and the church need to think differently about many things but they should not abandon the true faith. You say that “Going to church makes you a sheep, blindly following the mandates of a small group of men you have placed in your life in a position of power. Going to church makes you malleable and predictable, and narrows your thinking and thus limits your options.” I think going to bad churches this can happen. ‘Organized religion’ is not about controlling weak minded people although that seems to be a very popular opinion in secular societies. True religion or let me restate, true faith is based upon have a relationship with “God” “Our Creator” or whatever folks want to call it. It is not, I repeat, it is not about controlling the weak or the desperate!
Finally, as I get to my close. I must also say that the true reason there are so many single, never married black women in the US is not due to any single source. It ranges to a multitude of things like, the drug war(s), the welfare system, the prison system and educational issues in the black community among many other things. Let us not also forget personal accountability on the woman’s part. Can the black church do a better job of meeting the needs of it’s members, yes, most certainly. However, there a comes a time when one must take accountability for their actions. Faith without works is dead. Sitting around waiting for something magical to happen is unbiblical. Christ said it himself to a man who was waiting for such a miracle and always making excuses. He said, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” (John 5:8 – read John 5:1-15 for context). If pastors and preachers were actually preaching the true gospel and uplifting Christ, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts,
Aaron
She makes a bold and powerful argument, but her attempt to make a direct correlation between the Pew data and the marital status of Black women is presumptuous and amateurish at best. In fact, some of it is downright stereotypical and would be rejected out of hand if the writer had been a white man.
Yet, I appreciate her putting this discussion on the table as it obviously resonates with some; will force others to reflect and will probably be the catalyst for a lot of meaningful examination in our churches. I know that there is a thread of truth in her proposition, but to apply it with such a broad brush dilutes her credibility.
Think about it: There are literally thousands of Black churches in America–many of which are pastored by accomplished and powerful Black women. There are untold numbers of Black churches where the men are in secondary roles. There are untold numbers of Black churches who promote a practical, co-equal partnership between married men and women; and there are churches where everything Deborah says applies. Thanks for keeping it real, but know that your reality is not an infallible truth.
I really don’t care about the 15 or so that are pastored by Black women. I am talking about the tens of thousands that are not. The overwhelming number are powered by Black men and you know it. So let’s not dilute the facts with a few that don’t fit the bill. Even if they are powered by women, the bottom line is they are still run by the male dominated Christian religion and its tenets which mandate male superiority and female submission which is an integral part of the protestant and muslim religions.
The truth of the matter is that people need some boundary in their life to keep some from sinking to the level of a beast. without boundaries one may become a lesbian, whore or be willing to marry anyone of whatever race that would have them. The truth is that a lot of what is preached in the church is ignorance, lies and halftruths. The bible is a powerful book when read scientifically and historically. True Black females should leave the church but not for the reason cited by Deborah.
If people need church to define “boundaries” in their lives, then why does the world, which if full of religious folks, look the way it does? oh…that must be the “devil”, right? LOL
It such a shame that people dont feel strong enough to let their GOD GIVEN inner compass guide them. They NEED a religion to tell them to not be assholes? LOL.
I simply dont get it.
Black folks have been on this planet for hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of years. Christianity is about 6000 years old…if that. What were folks using as their “boundaries” before that? How did we survive if all we did was evil things, cuz we had no church?
GTFOH!
The church, like all major religions is a tool of the those who want control. Pick up a book on the origins of Christianity, the history of the Church and all that atrocities that were committed in establishing the institution and then talk to me about “BOUNDARIES”.
Oh…and please spare me the “those were not real Christians” excuse. They WERE real Christians because THEY created the religion. Christ (if he ever really existed) had nothing to do with Christianity. Those who created it, did so with the purpose of EXACTLY what we see today. DIVIDE AND CONQUER. Its such a shame that folks of color all over the world are are the biggest followers of the religion that was FORCED on them thru slavery, colonialism, and missionary scams. While the white folks who created this mess, are barely religious! that should tell us something.
Deborrah is spot on in her article and I co-sign it 100%. And add me to the list of NON-CHRISTIAN, non-religious black women. A list that will continue to grow as we slowly wake up and realize the real deal.
Thank GOD for that!
Are you serious? You think that black women in church is the problem and the reason that they are not married? This is ludicrous. I’m even more angered at the fact that you are so high strung on this! the problem single (searching) black women are having is not the fact that THEY are in church. Their problem is that the BLACK MAN is NOT in church. It is not the black woman’s fault that black men are not in church, nor is it their concern. How dare you say that church isn’t going to help empower a woman? Without church, decent CHURCH GOING, GOD LOVING, SUCCESSFUL BLACK MEN like me and my fathers’ before me, and even the men in my family would not find strong upright women. Decent men are not looking for a woman who not only does not believe in religion or God, but carries themselves like there is no God. You pompous fool. Church is one of the main reasons a lot of women have a decent head on their shoulders. It’s because Grandma and Papa and Mama and Daddy or who ever took them to church at a young age and through the church instilled in them the proper principles and morals and self values that would make them desirable to any man with an ounce of sense in his head.
Church opens not only the mind of ANYONE who goes, but also the spirit to receive what God has for them. Rather it be a man or whatever. Never in my life have I heard a pastor or a preacher openly oppress, degrade, or attempt to blind any woman. Never have I known of a woman in the church be “as a sheep” to any man. This speculation is false and you make it clear that you did not do your home work. To say such a thing would take years of traveling and studying each black church looking for patterns in the behavior of black women. Secondly, who gave you such a formula for a man? One who would forsake God and reject help in life would surely fail and such is not any man that I would ever want to be. Everyone can use help in life, no matter how strong, independent or smart you are. So no, the principles of a man do not require this.
I take a strong offence to the ignorant statement, “Therefore, you can bet if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him.” I am the son of a high esteemed pastor and grandson to an even higher esteemed bishop. I am in a perfect mind set. I am an excellent student, a musician, an artist and athlete. I am not a homosexual. I am not frail minded. You would literally have to spend your LIFE justifying the statement above.
On another note, THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN BY MAN, THROUGH THE INFLUENCE OF GOD. You speak as though a group of men got together and said, “How can we get women to obey us?” A woman in power in church is not unheard of nor is it a rarity. I know of many evangelists and pastors who are women. A woman bishop, however is unheard of nor is it orthodox in ANY church. It is the way it is written. Another thing, bible study, choir rehearsal, or any other non-Sunday church event, no matter what it is, it doesn’t happen all day or all week. Women are not forced into their cars and made to attend these services by force. Outside of church I feel that women have AMPLE time to find a decent God fearing man. A woman bringing her potential man or even her steady man to church has should not break their relationship. If a woman cannot share what is important in her life with the man she loves or a man that she’s interested in then she should not be with that man because HE is the oppressor and HE is the one trying to control her. Never in my life would I even DREAM of a woman giving up God just to tickle my fancy.
Another thing. A woman bearing children out of wedlock is a sin against God. “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Galations 5:19-21). Not only that, women who have children without the security of marriage are often subject to drama with the baby’s father. Some look for security in a marriage. Whatever be the case, it is ignorant to suggest that marriage is a crutch that men force on insecure women. How can you say such a thing when marriage could possibly be the oldest form of any tradition known to man. Not only that, why would a woman go to a bar to find a man? Or a club? Or anything of the such? When a man goes to the bar, he’s looking for a good time and probably won’t be in his right mind by the end of the night anyway. A woman approaching him with hopes of a relationship will only push a man further away. And you can expect a similar pattern with a rendezvous at a club. You suggest that a black woman get off her knees and sever her connection with GOD just to find a MAN? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! A man may or may not set foot in church, but a black woman does not have to forsake religion just to find one. A love for God and church has never made or broken a relationship. Does going to church make a woman a goody two shoes, unworthy of love and affection? I don’t think so. But I do think one thing, women who go around looking for a quick screw or a one night stand are not the type of women that I would want to waste my time or lower my standards for.
It is not a woman’s job to make a man. If a woman needs to make her man she should stop and realize that her man should be already made by the workings of nature, hard work, a good upbringing and the essential ingredient which is GOD. This article was a waste of your time because you made a complete fool of yourself and whatever you believe in. My advice to YOU would be to do some soul searching and discover why you are so bitter to “the black man” and even more so the God fearing black woman. Black is not what you see on BET or what you see when you look at a struggling black community. Black is an unbreakable race, which has earned its mark and place in this world. Suggesting that black women find a man of another race because black men are unsuitable means that you are all for the discontinuation of this precious race. So before you go and decide to “tell it like it is,” do your home work and be careful what you put on the internet, because it never goes away, which means you’ll look like a complete idiot for what could possibly be the rest of your life…”SISTAH”.
What you don’t understand about me David is that I have total acceptance and pride in everything I do and everything I say. If I were afraid of criticism or differing opinions, I would never have had the courage to make such bold and controversial statements as I do in this article.
I am not suggesting that Black women go out and find a man of another race at all. I am merely saying that they need to open the door to love because if a woman is TRULY A CHRISTIAN, the color of a man’s skin should not matter. Right? So you need to check yourself BROTHA before you go spreading your propoganda and telling black women that they need to continue to waste their time waiting SOLELY on Black men to get their shit together and choose Black women.
Black women deserve to be happy with a man that loves them, no matter what his ethnicity. Stop being a hater David. Stop it.
To generalize and say that a women shouldn’t listen to anything a man say is foolish. What about male politicians, or health professionals or professors, etc. Do only females make sense?. How can a person be too religious? A person must have some boundary to their life to keep them from sinking to the level of beasts. The problem is that a lot of what is preach in church is garbage, lies and ignorance, mixed with half truth. The bible is a powerful book when correctly understood scientifically and hilstorically. Of coursse person who want no human restrictions on their life so that they could freely practice sins like lesbianism, fornication and just sexing anyone without regards to character will not want religious restriction. For millions of years Black females have been with Black males, so who is encouraging them to be renegates or degenerates now and why are they encouragilng this. Speak the truth and not lies for ulterior reasons. s