The Male Struggle for Control of Female Sexuality

My Internet Talk Radio show “The Power of the Pu$$y!“ stirred quite a bit of controvery last week. The show actually ran 30 minutes longer than originally scheduled, due to the fact that we had so much ground to cover, and so many controverting opinions from the male listeners. Things got interesting and quite heated. My cousin Joy (a very thoughtful and articulate woman), joined me as co-host to keep things even — so we ended up with a panel of two men and two women. Subsequent to that broadcast, this letter came in for Editorial Response. 

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Dear Deborrah:

I enjoyed your show the other day on “The Power of the Pu$$y”, but I had a couple of questions and comments that I hope you have time to consider. 

There are a couple of different perspectives I would like to give since I didn’t hear them on the show. The first one has to do with the inherent value that is tied to sex and the gender involved. For a man to be sexually promiscuous (which I don’t condone), he has to have something going for him. Either he has a good understanding of women, a good mouthpiece, some kind of power, fame, wealth, virility, or a combination of any of these things. For a woman to be sexually promiscuous, all she needs to have is a functioning vagina and consent. 

Taking this further, an average man would have to have something extraordinary about him to be able to sleep with 300 different women in a year. Any average women could sleep with 300 different men in a year. Probably, ANY woman could.  

In general, while I don’t think that there is anything valuable demonstrated by a man who goes around a sleeps with a bunch of women, there is implicit value in him being ABLE to do such a thing. For women, this just isn’t the case–they can pretty much have sex whenever, wherever, with a good percentage of men to choose from. For women, there is implicit value from them being discerning and discriminating when choosing to have sex. So, when a woman feels empowered to express her sexuality it can be viewed as her lowering her implicit value.  

My other comment touches on a man’s insecurity/ego. Not that it is right, but some men want to be “the best” in what they do. This extends to all things, including sex. The average guy probably doesn’t want to marry a woman and know in the back of his head that she has had way better sex than what he is capable of. 

I think a lot of women have a tendency to say, “just get over it”, and maybe men should, but at the core men want to excel at things, especially under the roof of his own home. I don’t know if this analogy is valid or not, but consider this: Would you or the average woman you know want to marry a man whom you don’t inspire love from when compared to a past relationship of his? Say this prospective husband treats you very well, doesn’t leave you wanting for anything, has strong character/integrity, etc., but he is a bit intellectual and not so much artistic. However, in a previous relationship you find out that the woman inspired him to love so much that he felt compelled to write poetry and paint for HER. 

With you, however, he loves you but you don’t create the kind of spark that someone else did — would this bother you and steer you away from a serious relationship with him? I don’t know if that analogy is valid, but my point is that a man values highly being the apple of his woman’s eye. Unfortunately, whether it is culture or biology, the top of his list of things that demonstrate his value often seems to be his sexuality. 

Likewise, wouldn’t a woman want to know that the man she wants to have a serious relationship with has surrendered his heart and loves her more than any other? Ultimately, we all have pasts and shouldn’t judge each other for what we’ve done. The past does matter, however, when it matters.

I thought it was a bit ironic that at the end of the show, you or your guest mentioned how spiritually significant it is to let a man enter a woman during intercourse and to be discriminating because of all of the spiritual “junk” a man could leave behind after the act.

Now, I don’t necessarily believe in the spiritual ties during a typical sexual act, but since you do: wouldn’t you think it is perfectly reasonable for a man who is considering a serious relationship to be tentative about a woman who has let a number of men intermingle spirits with her? It just seemed like you made a contradictory statement at the end of the show when you mentioned the spiritual side of things.

If a woman is going around sleeping with many men, wouldn’t she be more susceptible to having a lot of potential negative energy from the men she was with? And tying in to the original theme of the show, which touches on the issue of why is it ‘bad’ for a woman to be in touch with her sexuality, experiment, enjoy it and so forth, if she has had many male partners who may have deposited their negative energy/spirituality into her, shouldn’t a women’s sexual history become very relevant to a man who will want to be in a relationship with her?

Not that she would transfer that energy to the man during sex, per se, but just that this negative spiritual energy may manifest itself in any type of interaction within the framework of the relationship. Or is the spiritual energy transferred during sex just benign? Anyways, thanks for your response and I look forward to reading through your website.

Unmade

My Response:
The first comment I have to make in response to what you wrote is that you seem to have an extremely low opinion of women.  I mean so low its misogynistic.  You put a promiscuous man on a pedestal with the comment that “he has to have something going for him – some talent, special understanding, unusual skills and unusually fantastic abilities” that you average guys don’t have.  Then you turn around and say “but any average woman could sleep with 300 men in a year… probably any woman could.”   

Do you understand how hateful, judgmental and condescending you present yourself to be? And I am being extremely polite with the choice of adjectives here!  Who do you think would have time for fucking that many different guys?  Who has time to go out and hunt up all that different dick?

With jobs, school, families and other responsibilities, bills to pay, laundry, commutes to make, and meals to prepare WHO HAS TIME FOR ALL THAT SEX?  You make it seem like one new guy per day per year (with weekends off to rest the pussy) is the average number of lovers for every woman in the world. What do you think, we are all enrolled in The Dick of the Day Club or something?

You insinuate that “any woman” could handle such a schedule since women need no special abilities or skills like men do… all they need to have is a pussy and to lay down and open their legs, right? A woman that did such a thing would be allowing men to masturbate, using her body do to it. Are you saying that all women are hookers and ho’s with nothing better to do with our time and no interest in our lives other than screwing? 

Wow.  You need an attitude adjustment for real, and I am about to give your ass one.

Your logic is skewed and your thinking twisted.  Your letter exposes you as the exact type of man I was focusing on in that broadcast – the lacking in confidence, average guy that wants pussy so badly he can taste it, but who sits around enraged that he isn’t getting it the way he wants, when he wants, and with whom he wants.  But he’s scared of involving himself with it on that level because he knows he would be lost.  I also think your religious views are in a real battle with your lustful physical desires.  

Don’t feel too bad though, because you aren’t the only one!  The Western view towards sexual behavior has been based on Christianity, which has been prevalent for nearly 2000 years.  These widely held perceptions of men’s and women’s sexuality have been the root cause of much conflict around the world, and especially here in the United States. Although we’ve made significant changes since the 1960s “sexual revolution,” the closely held religious based views of male and female sexuality have changed very little.  

In every patriarchal society, the sexual conquest of as many women as possible has become a gauge by which manhood is proven. By contrast, women are praised highly and deemed by these very same men to be more valuable for marriage by nature of ability and willingness to keep their virginity for one special man and give it up only after saying “I Do!”  

But that was then, this is now.  

Men with the attitudes you project are in reality absolutely terrified of women and the lust women inspire in your loins.  You are fearful of the lack of control you have when a woman you are attracted to is near.  Your heart is racing, you can’t think, and your knees get weak. You lose control. And you are totally afraid of the absolute powerlessness that the sexual desires you feel have over your mind, heart and body.  You experience Fear of the Pussy in its rawest form.  

You are also truly terrified of the possibility that you wouldn’t have the sexual expertise or experience that your woman might have, and thus you lack confidence in your ability to satisfy a woman in bed.  You are terrified that you would fall in love and get your heart broken when she left you or cheated on you because you weren’t laying that pipe right, or your dick was too narrow to satisfy her.  Again, this is all based on Fear of the Pussy in its rawest form.  

But remember, this is your problem, not hers.   

Your statement “for women, there is implicit value from them being discerning and discriminating when choosing to have sex. So, when a woman feels empowered to express her sexuality it can be viewed as her lowering her implicit value” is a crock of shit. You and too many other men focus entirely on what’s between a woman’s legs to determine her “value” like she is some sort of livestock.  You guys need to grow the hell up!  

A woman’s VALUE is in how she loves you, relates to you, supports and encourages you, shares  her life with you, and partners with you on the journey of life. Her intelligence, wit, ambition, devotion, the way she handles the household’s financial affairs, and the way she handles her children should all be much more important to you than what she has done with HER PUSSY.    

Your view of women ensures that young females will continue to view themselves as people, defined only in relation to their body. These impressionable young women will continue to feel insecure about their looks, and will always seek male approval about their bodies.  Most will believe that their value as a good and worthy person is totally dependent on toeing the line and behaving in ways that men list as approved sexual behaviors for females.  I really wonder who you guys think you are and why you believe you have the right to dictate and regulate what women do with their own pussy?  

As if your shaming and berating women that enjoy sex wasn’t enough, in our society, sex and sexuality are also legally regulated. The roots of these laws are found in the religious (Christian) based origin of this country (“in God We Trust”).  For centuries, both in Europe and the U.S., Christianity has used the words of the Bible to suppress sexuality and control it.  I’ve stated repeatedly that in my opinion, organized religion was created strictly to place men in a dominant position over women, in order to control what women wear, say, can do out in the world, and do with their pussy. 

Men are encouraged to “sow their wild oats” and to remember that there are “plenty of fish in the sea” so they should “not settle down too quickly.”  The more young women he sullies, the more his male relatives and friends gaze upon him with manly pride. 

However, if a woman of the same age and social rank has sex with even a moderate number of men, she is looked down upon, called a slut, a whore, a skank, or a skeezer, and her “value” as a potential mate is reduced.  As a matter of fact, laws had to be enacted to protect rape victims from being vilified in courts for being sexually active.  Defense attorneys would try to use a woman’s history of sexual activity against her, thus providing a built in excuse for the rapist… the general attitude of these men being “well, she wasn’t a virgin anyway, so what difference does it make that she got raped?“

Sandwiching women’s sexuality even further between male camps of disapproval and judgment is the fact that men are constantly being brought up on charges for sexual harassment of women, in violation of the very laws other men created to protect women’s virtue.

Men even went so far as to use religion as justification to lock women into metal chastity belts to reduce the opportunity to engage in premarital sex.  This act of cruelty represents male dominance at its worst.  With the aid of a lock and key, a male asserted total control over the female’s genitals, and thus removed her ability to decide what she does with her own pussy.

A few years ago, there was a great deal of furor amongst lawmakers around the nation as attempts were made to make it mandatory for prepubescent girls to be inoculated with the Gardasil HPV vaccine.  In case you aren’t aware, HPV is a sexually transmitted disease. Nine year olds aren’t having sex. But that didn’t stop wierd parents and clergy from voicing their concerns… believing that the innoculation would be giving tacit permission for the girls to become promiscuous.  I was against such a mandate as well, but I was wondering why grown ass men were so worried about what MIGHT happen in the future with a young girl’s body… so much so that they were motivated to make protecting the pussy of 9 year old girls a law!  

While I am on the subject of female children, let me talk about the sickness of Purity Balls, yet another instance where a female’s value is placed on her pussy… in this case the thin bit of tissue known as a hymen.  

Glamour Magazine did a story in 2007 on a purity ball held in Colorado.  Here’s a quote:

“Dozens of these lavish events are held every year, mainly in the South and Midwest, from Tucson to Peoria and New Orleans, sponsored by churches, nonprofit groups and crisis pregnancy centers. The balls are all part of the evangelical Christian movement, and they embody one of its key doctrines: abstinence until marriage… The majority of the girls here are, as purity ball guidelines suggest,  just old enough to have begun menstruating…. But a couple dozen fathers have also brought girls under 10.

The event’s purpose is, in part, to celebrate dad-daughter bonding, but the main agenda is for fathers to vow to protect the girls’ chastity until they marry and for the daughters to promise to stay pure. Pastor Randy Wilson, host of the event and cofounder of the ball, strides to the front of the room, takes the microphone and asks the men, “Are you ready to war for your daughters’ purity?”

Maybe it’s just me, but the idea of a girl as young as 4 years old pledging her virginity to her father is freaky and weird.  Why is Dad so worried about what goes on with his daughter’s pussy? In every photo I’ve seen of these events, the men in the pictures are middle aged White dudes, and they look strange and creepy. Some of the girls are older teens, and show up in backless evening gowns looking very curvy, very grown and very sexy.  It’s double weird to see photos of them kissing their fathers on the mouth, knowing that Dad takes them on “dates.”

Dad is set up to be the only man in his daughter’s life until her husband comes bopping along, a lifestyle straight out of Biblical times. “In patriarchy, a father owns a girl’s sexuality,” notes psychologist and feminist author Carol Gilligan, Ph.D. “And like any other property, he guards it, protects it, even loves it.”

All I know is if my Dad had asked me to do any of that weird ass shit worrying about what went on with my body in that manner, I would have run away from home.  My Mother probably would have killed him first though.

Now back to you. Let’s move on to the concerns you have about making love to your woman with less skill than her previous lovers. Tying your ego up into your penis is juvenile.  For one thing, every woman likes her sex differently.  Sometimes we want it differently on the same day, from moment to moment. So to focus on what she MIGHT HAVE had that was more pleasurable in one moment during one sexual romp is stupid. Anyway, none of what you are thinking about is a fact, yet you are working yourself up into a state sitting around creating fantasies of failure, rejection, heartbreak and of not being “good enough.”  Why are you doing that to yourself over some pussy that you don’t even have yet?   

Men don’t understand that most women do not focus on what a man did in the past.  We concern ourselves with what you are doing in the here and now. With that in mind, unless a man opened his big mouth and TOLD HIS NEW WOMAN that he wrote poetry for some hag from his past, no one would know, and no one would care.  Personally I would laugh, because I don’t like poetry anyway.  I’d be thrilled that he got that out of his system before I came along; I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings by not responding with ooohs and ahhhs over his boring rhyming words. 

The other thing that men like you don’t seem to understand is that most men don’t know how to screw anyway. Really. Even those that do a pretty good job and have experience will still have a learning curve as he learns OUR body and what touches work best for us, how we feel when we have PMS, how we feel after having a baby, how we feel in the morning, and how we feel after an argument.  

Few men are the golden dicked studs you imagine them to be in your fantasies.  And a man who worries about someone from the past giving their significant other a better time in bed is not only insecure, he is also guilty of fearfully allowing the imagined past to affect his future. If a man has time to let this negative thinking affect his psyche, then he has time to become both imaginative and creative in the bedroom, therefore creating new “bests” for his woman. 

Instead of fearfully berating women for having experience, a man can courageously take charge of his fears and work to educate himself on exciting sexual positions, touches that tantalize, learn the erogenous zones on the female body, and he can have open conversations with his woman on what she likes and would like to try in bed with him. Instead of worrying about your woman’s past sex life or relationships you should be focusing on doing all you can to create memories with your woman that she will cherish for decades and that would never cease to bring a smile to her face. 

And finally, with regards to the exchange of spiritual energy, as I explained to you in a private email, you are making the assumption that every man (except yourself I guess), possesses negative energy.  This is an erroneous belief. 

In the show broadcast I stated that there are individuals out here that have negative energy in their spirits, and that a woman must be careful and determine if a guy has that kind of darkness in his soul before she has sex with him.  You and the readers must also be aware that the negative energy that I speak of can be transferred in a multitude of ways, and is generally gathered into our spirits in childhood from negative adults and toxic children that we come into contact with.  Observing domestic violence in the home, experiencing bullying at school, being the victim of child molestation or adolescent rape, poverty, abandonment, or living with a caretaker/parent with drug addiction, alcohol dependency, or mental illness can all impact the spirit of a young man or woman even more than a lover with negative energy ever could!  

My cousin and I, the hosts of that particular broadcast, are by no means promoting sexual recklessness!  We are merely championing the fight against the double standards which place women in the position to be judged strictly by what goes on between their legs.  We and hundreds of thousands of other women believe such a standard should not exist. 

Our world is in the second half of 2009. Over the past 100 years, American society has advanced and modernized. Worldwide communications take place within seconds, which has resulted in everyone (including children), becoming much more savvy.  Men need to get with the program. A man that insists on holding onto a romantic view of the past that he never actually knew is merely creating an excuse to avoid dealing with the reality of the present. 

The tide has turned. Few women are going to continue to accept living under negative, judgmental, male-dictated sexual constraints ever again. In spite of male beliefs to the contrary, women are not here to please you, nor to meet your expectations of what a “good woman” is based on your perception of our pussy’s purity!  Women are here to please ourselves, to define ourselves, and to meet only our OWN expectations of a good woman. 

From now on women are going to have sex whenever they feel like it.  Women are gong to enjoy their bodies and pleasure with the women or men they choose to share their bodies with… may be 5 guys, may be 50, who knows? I don’t want to know and you never will.  All you can know for certain is that you are not going to marry a virgin or anything close to it.  Let that fairy-tale fantasy go.

Until next time.

 

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Tags: control freaks, controlling men, female sexuality, male judgments of women, misogynistic men, sexual feminism

Category: Society and Culture