Cons of Marriage – Why Women Should Not Get Married

. 04/27/2010 . 87 Comments


Male/Female Socialization
Kills Marriage Prospects for Everyone

From infancy women are socialized to become wives and mothers over and above anything else. Girls are given baby dolls and strollers and play makeup, while their brothers get doctor bags and microscopes and construction kits. Girls are encouraged to be dainty, nurturing and pretty, while their brothers are encouraged to be accomplished, brave and smart. Young black girls are dragged to church where they are told to cook and clean and to keep their legs closed but yet to dress and wear their hair in ways that will get them the attention of men.

The goal for this brainwashing is for a female child to learn to focus her energy and time on all things male so they can “have a boyfriend” and “get a husband.” At least two decades of a young Black girl’s life is spent with her parents, church leaders and society telling her to focus on finding a husband to settle down with, to put her needs second, and to do all she can to keep him happy.

Interestingly, young Black boys are not taught to please a woman or make her happy in a relationship or in any other way. If anything they are taught that a woman will try to trap them into marriage and children, and to avoid it at all costs by playing the field and not becoming vulnerable enough to fall in love. “Stick and move, stick and move!” is the mantra.

Boys are taught that marriage is about having a wife that is sweet and pure (no matter how many women he has bagged), a woman that is loyal, and a woman that is willing to be quiet and place his needs as a priority in her life. They call this being a “helpmeet.” At the same time Black boys are taught by older Black men to play manipulative mind and sex games, and do all they can to maintain the upper hand with and control over women by any means necessary. Who is teaching the “helpmeet” part of a marriage to men?

To me this is where the problem in adult Black relationships begins – childhood.

Many experts are quick to say the problem in Black male/female relationships is solely the fault of Black women. They point to the destruction to the Black family and associate single parent homes, out of wedlock births, racism which favors Black women over Black men, the war on drugs which locked up Black men in droves, Women’s Liberation which makes Black women too independent and not submissive, etc. and blame Black women.

Yet, not one of these experts has examined the impact of socialization and how much damage unaware, silly, toxic adults do to male and female children. Our young are taught to distrust each other, and to “get over” on each other almost from birth. Boys are taught to judge and condemn girls about everything, and freely label young Black women ‘hos, gold diggers, stuck up and more. They are taught that they have the right to touch women inappropriately, say inappropriately sexual things to them, and that women are there to please them. Even if a female must be forced to do so with threats or actual violence.

Our Black girls are taught that they have responsibility for everything, and Black boys are taught that they have responsibility for nothing. Even if he gets her pregnant, that is blamed on her because “she should have made me use a condom.” If a girl’s boyfriend beats her or sexually abuses her little sister, its her fault for “choosing the wrong man.”

Some parents (mine included) recognized this sickening trend decades ago. Fathers are especially important and influential in teaching their young female children to stand on their own two feet so they won’t have to depend on a man. By teaching their daughters to stand on their own and “do it herself,” these fathers enabled their girls to have the confidence and life skills to easily tell a weak or controlling man “I don’t need you!” and mean it.

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues


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