The Emotionally Abusive Black Man – Part 2
Emotionally Abusive Relationships – Part Two
A widely-held belief amongst men in the Black community is that a woman is to blame if she has a relationship with an abusive man, as she should have “picked” better. It is interesting to me how none of the men that point the finger of blame at the woman for being a victim of a manipulative control freak ever make men responsible for being a manipulative control freak and abuser of women! Such an attitude makes these men as emotionally abusive as the men they are so anxious to absolve of guilt.
Don’t be deceived by outward trappings of success. Even so-called “good” Black men – highly educated and successful can be emotionally abusive. Men as a whole treat women as subordinate and less important than themselves. Men want to be right all the time, and to be right that means they must make women wrong. Men want to have the power and control all the time, and to have power and control exclusively they must make sure that women have none. I believe it fair to say that the vast majority of Black men are now or have at some point behaved in a fashion that qualifies as emotionally abusive to women.
This is part two of a two part series on the emotionally abusive Black man (read part one of The Emotionally Abusive Black Man at this link). In this final segment we continue describing the forms that emotional abuse takes, outlining the tactics used to terrorize, condemn, insult and humiliate Black women around the world.
Blocking, Blaming, Invalidating and Diverting
Diverting and blocking are techniques used to deny your reality – your feelings, experiences, thoughts and perceptions of people and events. Your version of life is labeled wrong as he demands statistics, books, studies and proof of your thoughts and opinions. If you have none (since after all it’s merely your opinion and you are a nobody nothing), he feels justified in invalidating everything you think and say.
He may refuse to discuss what you feel are problems in the relationship by shutting you out, which communicates that only he has the right to decide what the conversation will be and when it may take place. He blocks any attempt you make at increasing intimacy between the two of you by preventing open and honest communication.
Most emotional abusers will blame their victim for the cruelty they dish out, implying that there is something she did or said that “made” him respond the way he did. When the abuser finds himself in a quandary, he will always find a way to shift the responsibility for his predicament to you, thus blaming you for whatever his problem is.
Inez’s Story
I am a 23 year old single woman, and I always seem to have problems with relationships. Most men I meet don’t seem to want anything out of life. All they want to do is get something from me or try to bring me down with them or even worse talk down to me. The guy I am dating now is very nice looking, but he curses all the time around me. We have never been on a real date and we have been going out for 6 months now! He always likes to wrestle with me like I am some boy or something and he has this thing with slapping me in my mouth – not hard or anything but I just don’t like it at all. And finally, he is very over bearing, demanding, and he tries to tell me what to do all the time. What should I do? I tried to talk to him, but every time I talk to him he make me feel small or that I am always wrong. Please help me, I don’t know what’s up with him?
He may divert the conversation with off-topic comments, or by flipping the script and focusing on your faults or wrongdoing. He effectively removes the focus from himself while putting you on the defensive with accusations and a barrage of critical comments instead of answering your questions.
He may block all communication by demanding that you drop it, get off his back, or quit bitching and complaining. In any instance, even after all these words were used the issue you put on the table is unresolved and the question you approached him with was never answered. In the end he feels powerful and in total control as you wander away frustrated without the information you need.
Undermining and Sabotaging
When an emotional abuser undermines, his goal is to chip away at your determination and erode your confidence and interest in anything that doesn’t have to do directly with serving his needs. He wants you to feel like a failure, defeated, totally inadequate before you have even begun. When your enthusiasm about your project or goals is dampened or perhaps squelched altogether, he feels positively defined.
Callie’s Story
“I was dating this guy that I just loved. I had gotten my first teaching job in one of the top 10 school systems in my state. I told him how proud I was to get this position at this prestigious school and he said: “Well they probably need black teachers’ because they probably don’t have enough.” I felt crushed. He said this in front of his best friend, who surprisingly jumped to my defense and embarrassed him by saying “I’m sure she is a great teacher and they hired her because they need superior teachers.” My boyfriend just stood there looking stupid.”
Physically Isolating
Male jealousy and possessiveness often includes accusations of cheating and frequent, lengthy interrogations about your whereabouts, activities and contacts. Such behaviors are examples of an attempt to exert control with the goal of restricting your independence and freedom. You will ultimately feel caged in … like you can’t breathe… by his behavior as you jump through hoops to prove that his accusations of cheating aren’t true. Ultimately, you’ll be totally isolated and totally controlled.
He needs to feel that you will be there and won’t leave him, so he seeks to isolate you to increase your dependence on him. He may keep you prisoner in your home, a room, or his car. May demand that you restrict contact with friends and family, or prevent you from interacting with anyone – even your own mother, children or grandchildren. May deny access to money with the goal of restricting your independence and ability to enjoy yourself. Some men deny access to mobility aids for the injured or a car by controlling the keys or money for gasoline; thereby controlling your freedom. May insist on driving you everywhere you need to go and taking you back home to maintain control of your social contacts and whereabouts. He may place himself in your presence much more than normal to monitor your comings and goings. Will demand that you turn over your paycheck to him, deny you information about the family income, or make you ask him for money for everything you need. Isolation will leave you dependent upon the abuser for social contact, money and the very necessities of life.
Pamela’s Story
“My husband was a widower and doing well when we married. But after he sold some stock he became very focused on money and extremely controlling. It was like I didn’t know who he was anymore. Our agreement was that I would stay at home raising his two boys from a previous marriage and our infant daughter, so I didn’t have an income of my own. He took away all access to any of the bank accounts, everything was in his name so I couldn’t even write a check. He gave me one credit card and I had to use it for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I had no cash in hand even to tip the pizza delivery boy. He put me on a very strict budget though our income certainly didn’t warrant it, and he tracked every penny I spent. He was constantly harassing and criticizing what I bought for the house or children or for meals. I felt like a child. I finally resorted to buying things then selling them to people at a reduced price just to have some cash money.”
(continued on page 2 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
How I wish I had read this years ago. I wasted decades after the collapse of an abusive relationship, unable and unwilling to form any new relationships because I had no idea what a healthy relationship was. Then when I did make the attempt, I fell back into old habits and ended up with a man who emotionally abused me again, although without the physical abuse I had endured previously. This time I got out before things got completely out of control, and I later got into a research study for PTSD, dealt with my issues head on and now feel so much more mentally stable. Unfortunately, I also gave up decades of my life before I got the help I needed. I would urge any woman who has lived through an abusive relationship, whether it be mental, physical or both, to seek help. Do so privately if you must, but get help so that you don’t fall back into old habits with men, or waste years of your life running away from the self that you should love. You cannot change someone else, but you can change yourself.
That may be true but this site is called “Surviving DATING” and that is what we talk about here – romantic relationships between hetereosexuals.. So talking about non-romantic relationships wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense. Secondly, there are plenty of articles which focus on the generalized population. I wanted to focus on black men and black women because our race is the most religious and therefore the most affected by a belief system which encourages female submission, male domination, and male entitlement to treat women in any way they want. Black culture has a tendency to avoid these types of discussions because a woman who would dare stand up to black men and challenge the status quo is labeled as “a damn feminist” or some other (worst) name. Therefore, black women avoid writing articles of this type.Not me though! Since this was written in 2010, several other popular bloggers have come forth with articles about abuse in black male/female relationships, but mine was one of if not the first one. Therefore, though your suggestion was meant well I’m sure, it will not now or at any time in the future be honored. I will continue to write about black male/female relationship issues because someone has to be brave enough to do it, and that person may as well be me.
I agree with Pat, because People act like this in general in all types of relationships not just romantic. Somebody either Male or Female has to have power over somebody This is the Dark-Side of Human Nature.
I’ve seen females tear down men like this in romantic relationships doing all of what was described in this article as I have seen and experienced Males, tear down men. People always attack what they are afraid of. and Mask that as strength when like Pat said it’s the insecurities talking. Males described in this article are the Ones that don’t know how to be Men that’s why they act like this. Men as well as Women that are or about to be in relationships use conversation to communicate no ignoring, or tunning each other out. And stuff like this can be avoided if not prevented among all races, personally, in the business world etc. Negativity is always associated with Popularity and it’s Popular to Bash a Black Man instead of Confronting self, and then confronting the
Black or any Other Background male that are guilty of this. It should be People period not a Color and not a Gender.
Good one Pat.
Bravo! Once again you have hit the bull’s eye! Coming across this blog has been such a wake up call for me. I wish I had come across it long ago. Maybe I could have spared myself the pain of dealing with some of the negative things that I experienced in my past. This article speaks truth to power. This topic is taboo in many circles. We are not supposed to discuss openly how many of us are victims to the maliciousness of these men. Thank you for providing this article to many of us who need to read this.
First of all you are such a talented writer – I hope you have many prosperous years of telling the truth! I hope young black women are listening because you are shaving off many years of grief.
I am starting to see another dangerous trend of married black men seeking out single black women to exploit. In many of the instances I have witnessed the predator knows women are ready for a loving relationship and they are blinded by the subtle tricks and cues of evil right in front of them. These men’s behavior is sadistic to say the least.
I agree, there are times when we unintentially injure our loved ones. That is what “I’m sorry” is for. But some women have become so emotionally, physically and financially invested they find it too shameful or exhausting to leave esp, with children.
One of the ways I have confirmed (it can be shocking you’re with an abuser), when he “acts” up, I will tell him “I’m going to get another opinion about your behavior (expose) to see if this is healthy for me.” We all know they like to keep things very private. He will either run or stop the madness.
So glad you are giving us a voice.
Men, black, brown, white, or purple, are egocentric and will say manipulative things to take women down a notch. However, my own mother has this one down, so anyone (females included) can be controlling and unsupportive. The important thing is to realize that it IS their insecurity talking.