The Emotionally Abusive Black Man – Part 2
Victorious But the Cloud Remains
My name is M. Mitchell. I live in Charlotte, NC. This is my story.
Aug/2006- Nov/2009
Everything happened so fast – he had moved in, talked about marriage, just this happy go lucky family man, doing the family thing. But all of that came to end. Slowly he began to complain – whenever I mentioned going out, when my girlfriends (co-workers) came over, he would sit in our presence to monitor – no privacy. He approved the entertainment for me with his friends and family. Since I didn’t have a family, his family was now my world, my family. He would critique how I was dressing to the way I had my hair. He would get ticked off about me wearing makeup…his mama didn’t wear it, and since she was plain Jane, therefore I should be also. He questioned every phone call I received or made. When my parents and sister would call he interrupted. My sister grew tired of it and stopped calling. He became irritated when my dad would call. He was sexual abusive. I had to have sex with him whenever he wanted or it was a fight. I couldn’t take a shower alone. I couldn’t sit and have a conversation with my sons alone. I couldn’t leave my house alone except going to work, grocery and every thing was timed. I was not kept physically locked up, but psychologically, I was. I had to call him when I arrived at work, during lunch, the in-betweens and before I left for work. He was so concern about my safety and this was his reasoning. I’m only covering a few. There is so much more I can point out but for now this is it. It was the was the severity of it. I was in shock and then awe, then confusion. He made me question myself a lot by pointing out what I was doing wrong like how I raising my sons, to as simple as cooking a meal to managing my own money. He would say something mean and then said it was a joke. His best punch was to always say I was hearing things.
He made it clear to me in so many words that his ex-wife was an unfit mother and a tramp then set me as the pinnacle of a good woman and good mother for his daughter, but each time she visited, he would tear me down in front of her. He was reeking with jealousy, complained about failures in his life and blamed everyone else for it (including his parents…rightly so). For 3 1/2 yrs I experienced all of this and within those years, I took him back twice. I had a way out but, I took him back. I lost my oldest son to the system, I lost money/jobs, I lost friends, anxiety, weight gain, stress, hair loss, and time. I read self help books (he hated any kind of reading) because it keep my head straight and convince me that I wasn’t going crazy.
Nov/ 2009 – May 15, 2010
November 2009, I re-connected to my extended family right here on FB. My search took me to back to 1840 not just with my maternal but also paternal family. I felt strong and proud. Even though I was still “shut in” I felt free. No amount of complaining mattered anymore. Matter of fact it became comical then irritating.
On May 15, 2010 – Rewind back -Two weeks prior, my sister and I surprise our mom for mother’s day. This was also a good time to have a mini-family reunion with cousins some of the cousins we connected to and had not seen in over 20 yrs. Three days later I was back home the same mess.. He was doing it again but this time he I recognized it, and checked it. A week had gone by and on May 15, 2010, was when I had enough.
It was at 9 pm, my girlfriend, the only one I had left, called for me to hang with her – this was the first step in taking back control. He came in as I was leaving the house. He started yelling, and then there was the pushing and the name calling, who I was on my way to see and how convinced he was that I was a …to put it nicely…a tramp. I eventually made it to my car and in the meantime, he got in his truck, waited for me to pull off then drove like a maniac through my community trying and run me off the road. My heart was pounding, but I knew I had to end it. The police couldn’t do it…I had to.
I came back home at 3 am and all the lights were off in the house including the porch lights which I thought was very strange. When I came out of my car with my keys, there he was… He had already set the scene, waited for me in the dark dressed in black. He pushed past me then opened the door. I made it inside the house (did I mention to you this was my house?). He started to push me in my face, called me a whore, tramp, etc. He tried to push me down the stairs on my way up, he broke my phone so I wouldn’t call for help. At that point my only course of action was to show him that I could scrap just like a dude. Oh yes I did and kicked his ass… I then told him during all that mess that I have support, I have family and I have friends and if anything was to happen to me, his life is over. He was shock and in awe…payback is a bitch uh? He had absolutely no idea that I would have stood up to him after all those years of him bulling me.
To make a long story short, he slept with his eyes opened that night. Oh yeah, I made his stay and experience the pure living hell he gave me for all those years …of it all wrapped up in one. I moved out my room that night and I became a woman scorned. I remember hearing him saying how he was going to make my/our lives a living hell and that I would have to give him a 30 days notice. Ok, yeah, he didn’t last but a night. He knew that his abuse and control was no longer his “dirty little secret.” I changed my locks, then I wrote a letter to his mama, telling her to have him to get the rest of his belongings off my property or it will be trashed.
Now that I think back, the first warning sign was how attentive he was and how quickly he wanted me to be his world. He would say things like “you are all I have” He was very suffocating, he was very territorial. He worked as contractor at my job and this meant easy access to me. He made it clear by using body language, showing up whenever he felt like it and hanging out at my desk – no one especially a male was allowed in my space. When I left work for the evening it was with him. Another red flag – he came from an overbearing mother and abusive stepfather. Another was he drank in excess. Another red flag and please highlight this one: The night that I met dam near his entire family, including to the dog, now looking back, they all seemed displaced, not together and they looked uncomfortable with each other and they were way too friendly with me. Of course now I know of the secret they were hiding….dude was a Psychopath. So, I had at least tree warning signs of a Dangerous man and what made me ignore and tolerated them and for so long…? You would have to go back to the beginning.
Each time he did those things, I felt embarrassed, alone, ugly, dirty. It’s only been six months but I still have day mares about it Thank goodness, I don’t have them in my dreams. I still get anxious coming to my house (I’m selling it now). The lights have to be on at night out side, if not I get real tense. I still get the creepy feeling crawling down my neck as if he is there watching me. I have moved my bed in other positions to change the pattern in my head of when he was here. He used to watch me from the bedroom window when I go to back yard. I sometimes think I hear the blinds moving…
My life saver: Susan L. Brown, I read her book which led me to you. I listened and listened over and over again to your shows, night after night. Another life saver was my family. When I reconnected a year ago, the joy I felt, the great memories I had as a child with them, made me wanted to fight for me.”
Corrupting and Exploiting
Many young women are introduced to drugs, alcohol, freaky sex acts and prostitution by trusted boyfriends, husbands or male friends. This type of abuser aims to coerce both adult and minor females into accepting ideas or behavior which are illegal, immoral, or shame inducing – all for the advantage and profit of the abuser. The abuser is usually very sweet, courteous, giving and attentive at first to set up his victim, then he switches things up to prey upon the admiration, attachment or romantic love the victim has for him. He may use guilt (reminding you of what he has done for you in the past, or jealousy (bringing up other women) as a tool. Basically he exploits your caring for him to manipulate your emotions and get what he wants out of you.
(continued on page 3 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
How I wish I had read this years ago. I wasted decades after the collapse of an abusive relationship, unable and unwilling to form any new relationships because I had no idea what a healthy relationship was. Then when I did make the attempt, I fell back into old habits and ended up with a man who emotionally abused me again, although without the physical abuse I had endured previously. This time I got out before things got completely out of control, and I later got into a research study for PTSD, dealt with my issues head on and now feel so much more mentally stable. Unfortunately, I also gave up decades of my life before I got the help I needed. I would urge any woman who has lived through an abusive relationship, whether it be mental, physical or both, to seek help. Do so privately if you must, but get help so that you don’t fall back into old habits with men, or waste years of your life running away from the self that you should love. You cannot change someone else, but you can change yourself.
That may be true but this site is called “Surviving DATING” and that is what we talk about here – romantic relationships between hetereosexuals.. So talking about non-romantic relationships wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense. Secondly, there are plenty of articles which focus on the generalized population. I wanted to focus on black men and black women because our race is the most religious and therefore the most affected by a belief system which encourages female submission, male domination, and male entitlement to treat women in any way they want. Black culture has a tendency to avoid these types of discussions because a woman who would dare stand up to black men and challenge the status quo is labeled as “a damn feminist” or some other (worst) name. Therefore, black women avoid writing articles of this type.Not me though! Since this was written in 2010, several other popular bloggers have come forth with articles about abuse in black male/female relationships, but mine was one of if not the first one. Therefore, though your suggestion was meant well I’m sure, it will not now or at any time in the future be honored. I will continue to write about black male/female relationship issues because someone has to be brave enough to do it, and that person may as well be me.
I agree with Pat, because People act like this in general in all types of relationships not just romantic. Somebody either Male or Female has to have power over somebody This is the Dark-Side of Human Nature.
I’ve seen females tear down men like this in romantic relationships doing all of what was described in this article as I have seen and experienced Males, tear down men. People always attack what they are afraid of. and Mask that as strength when like Pat said it’s the insecurities talking. Males described in this article are the Ones that don’t know how to be Men that’s why they act like this. Men as well as Women that are or about to be in relationships use conversation to communicate no ignoring, or tunning each other out. And stuff like this can be avoided if not prevented among all races, personally, in the business world etc. Negativity is always associated with Popularity and it’s Popular to Bash a Black Man instead of Confronting self, and then confronting the
Black or any Other Background male that are guilty of this. It should be People period not a Color and not a Gender.
Good one Pat.
Bravo! Once again you have hit the bull’s eye! Coming across this blog has been such a wake up call for me. I wish I had come across it long ago. Maybe I could have spared myself the pain of dealing with some of the negative things that I experienced in my past. This article speaks truth to power. This topic is taboo in many circles. We are not supposed to discuss openly how many of us are victims to the maliciousness of these men. Thank you for providing this article to many of us who need to read this.
First of all you are such a talented writer – I hope you have many prosperous years of telling the truth! I hope young black women are listening because you are shaving off many years of grief.
I am starting to see another dangerous trend of married black men seeking out single black women to exploit. In many of the instances I have witnessed the predator knows women are ready for a loving relationship and they are blinded by the subtle tricks and cues of evil right in front of them. These men’s behavior is sadistic to say the least.
I agree, there are times when we unintentially injure our loved ones. That is what “I’m sorry” is for. But some women have become so emotionally, physically and financially invested they find it too shameful or exhausting to leave esp, with children.
One of the ways I have confirmed (it can be shocking you’re with an abuser), when he “acts” up, I will tell him “I’m going to get another opinion about your behavior (expose) to see if this is healthy for me.” We all know they like to keep things very private. He will either run or stop the madness.
So glad you are giving us a voice.
Men, black, brown, white, or purple, are egocentric and will say manipulative things to take women down a notch. However, my own mother has this one down, so anyone (females included) can be controlling and unsupportive. The important thing is to realize that it IS their insecurity talking.