Emotional Abuse and the Emotionally Abusive Black Man
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
Emotional abuse is the least recognized type of abuse because it is so common. The verbal abuser attacks his partner’s character and the very essence of who she is. His communications with her are insulting, critical, devaluing, controlling and mocking. Everything he says to her is constructed to undermine her self-esteem and self-worth. Sadly, most women in emotionally abusive relationships have learned to deal with the hurt by ignoring their man’s verbal assaults just to “keep the peace.”
Emotional abuse is largely misunderstood as it leaves no broken bones or visible scars. Instead, the emotionally abusive man batters and bruises his woman’s self-esteem and confidence. Sarcastic comments, humiliation, blaming, trivializing, being overly demanding of a woman’s time and energy, taunts and “jokes” are all common ways emotional abusers wield their weapons and wage war on you. Repeatedly pointing out your perceived flaws, withholding of love affection information and sex, and denying the reality of your feelings, thoughts and opinions are key ways he attacks your self-confidence and self esteem.
FORMS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Andrew Vachss, an attorney and former sex crimes investigator, defines emotional abuse as “the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event.” Though there is no one universally accepted clinical definition of emotional abuse, every woman I’ve ever spoken to has experienced the behaviors listed below in one form or another during her lifetime. Most reported having experienced a multitude of emotionally abusive behaviors by men they trusted… men they were led to believe loved them.
Trivializing and Making “Jokes”
Abusers do everything they can to make you feel bad about yourself, like there is something wrong with you. He frequently attacks your intellect, competency, accomplishments or gender with snide comments which he claims are “funny” or “just a joke” (though no one but him seems to find the statements amusing). Trivializing may be very subtle and difficult to recognize, as it may be in the form of a tone of voice, a look, a sigh accompanied by an eye roll, or an elbow nudge to a friend and a cutting laugh. The set up begins almost immediately as he does all he can to praise you and gain control of your self esteem. Then when you are feeling quite proud of yourself, he’ll chop you off at the knees with mean comments that put you down and keep you on an emotional roller coaster. He wants you to believe you are worthless and disgusting, that no one else would want you. He finds that thought comforting… it makes him feel more secure that you won’t leave him.
Discounting and Rejecting
He distorts your perception of his negative behaviors by denying that your feelings have value. Rejects your statements with accusations that you have no sense of humor, can’t take a joke, are too sensitive, are too emotional and feel too much, are too serious, complain all the time, or take everything he says “wrong.” May refuse to acknowledge your worth or presence even if in the same room. Goes out of his way to communicate that you are useless or inferior to him or others.
Tanya’s Story
“I remember getting free tickets to a pro basketball game and asked this guy I’d been going out if he wanted to come with me. I thought it would be a great time for us to sit close and enjoy watching teams we both liked. He sat during the whole game with his IPod playing as he watched the game! He totally shut me out, even though every so often he would look at me. I guess in retrospect he just wanted to see how I was taking his rejection and if it was hurting my feelings. It was weird to feel so alone with him right there… like I was at the game all by myself. It felt like he hated me, didn’t want anything to do with me. I sat there looking at him and wondered why he bothered to come if he didn’t want to be there. When I got home I felt very sad. I’d really been looking forward to that evening. It was very confusing and an awful experience. We stopped seeing each other not too long after that.”
Sheree’s Story
“My husband never listens to me when I need to talk to him about important things. He just starts humming. I’m talking and he’s humming. It makes me absolutely furious, then confused, then very hurt. He sits there looking at me with this smug expression on his face, humming louder and louder while I try to get through to him. I don’t know how long our marriage is going to last at this rate.”
Judging, Criticizing and Name Calling
The abuser insults your thoughts, opinions, choices or physical appearance; ridicules your goals and stated desires, hobbies and interests. Name calls and accuses you of being dumb, stupid, or crazy. If he can humiliate you in front of other people and increase your shame and embarrassment, he gives himself extra points. His critical, judgmental statements always begin with “you” and go downhill from there. He has you so nervous, you feel like you must walk on eggshells to be perfect and keep him from judging and criticizing what you do or say. Treats you like a child, implying that you are incompetent and unable to make adult decisions. He repeatedly demonstrates behavior which diminishes your self-worth, identity and dignity.
Natalie’s Story
“He was always looking at me like he was examining me with a microscope. I could feel myself get nervous and mentally check off my grooming and clothes. But it didn’t matter because he always found something wrong, something that he had to insult me about. One day he said I was ‘too happy’ and another time he told me ‘I can’t believe you are as old as you are and haven’t done this stuff. You haven’t lived!’ It almost seemed like if he couldn’t find anything to criticize me about he would get even angrier. Then he’d think of something mean to say to hurt my feelings.”
Threatening and Terrorizing
He uses yelling, foul language, or threats to harm you or damage things dear to you to instill fear and scare you into submission. May also use guilt trips, coercion or intimidation to get his way. Threatens to cheat, hit you, hurt your pets family or children, abandon you and the relationship, or commit suicide. Frequently Black men threaten to abandon the entire race of Black women in favor of women of other races or foreign females, that way terrorizing thousands of single women with mass abandonment by Black men. May stalk and harass a woman that is not interested in him or doesn’t want the relationship anymore. May threaten to put you or leave you alone in a dangerous or unfamiliar environment to scare you.
Elizabeth’s Story
“My cousin dated a guy that was a helicopter pilot. She was excited when she told us that he was going to fly her to the top of a mountain for a romantic sunset picnic. Well, as it turns out he tried to force her into having sex with him, telling her if she didn’t put out he was going to leave her on the mountain. She fought him off, but he was so angry, he got in his helicopter and left her there! Luckily there was a family camping in the area and the Mom drove her down the hill to a restaurant before it got dark. My Uncle had to drive more than 100 miles to pick her up. She was so distrustful of men, so terrified that someone would try to hurt her again that she didn’t go out with anyone for more than two years.”
Withholding of Information, Affection and Support
Refuses to provide support and caretaking in a manner responsive to your needs. He intentionally maintains a detached and uninvolved persona, interacting only when HE deems it absolutely necessary. Denies you companionship, conversation and emotional intimacy (often sexual intimacy as well). Some of these men are later proven to be on the down-low, enjoying secret sex lives with other men while keeping you in the dark. Keeps all of his thoughts, hopes, dreams and feelings to himself while maintaining a facade of indifference and coldness towards you and even your children. You try angle after angle to try to connect with him, but nothing works. He feels in total control of the relationship as you practically beg for things from him that he purposely holds just out of reach. Knowing that you are yearning for more and unsatisfied pleases him and makes him feel powerful.
This article is quite extensive, and will thus be presented in two parts. Part two will be posted in a few days, so please check back or sign up for a subscription at the top right corner of this page to receive notification by email when new content is posted.
Emotional Abuse and The Emotionally Abusive Black Man
(c) 2010 by Deborrah Cooper
Dating Expert, Advice Columnist and Blogger
http://www.survivingdating.com
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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i’m sorry but I see a lot of these behavior in black women more than i’ve ever seen at alarming rate towards black men, A woman being educated many time feel they have a right to snub their nose a man who may not be as educated, that in my opinion is a problem, Maybe a divine education a long with that secular education will help.
@ladydon52 “A woman being educated many times feel they have a right to snub their nose a man who may not be as educated, that in my opinion is a problem, maybe a divine education along with that secular education will help.’
What a silly statement… Instead of castigating all these males walking around here who shun getting educated thus, elevating themselves to becoming better providers, more intelligent, and better mates for black women, you come down on black women who have educated themselves and then talk as if ‘divine education is the answer’. Spoken like a true religified dumb broad, who is male dominated and one of the reasons men don’t do better. Because broads like you accept their lowly standards and low expectations and low achievements in life. Sheesh!
ladydon52 – A woman who has busted her ass to complete her education DOES have the right to snub her nose at a man who is not as educated! She has the right to snub her nose at you too! She is not the EEOC and he does not deserve a chance with a woman who feels he is beneath her. That’s just how it is in the big world honey. Everyone has standards, and if a dude doesn’t meet that woman’s for any reason, she has every right in the world to kick him to the curb and disqualify him as a potential mate. You may not like that, but who cares! Get over it.
Deborrah ladydon52 you know i did this post so long ago, and im sorry some really didn’t get what i’m saying . everyone do have a right to have that standard. but i don’t believe anyone should snub their nose at anyone this is the very reason the world is as it is, If a you want a guy who is educated that is cool all i’m saying is no one but God has the right to judge a person worth , and for me that divine education is of more value then a secular one… and there are many good people who are not educated you are not bad if you not you are not worth less if you are not .Jesus died for all not just the educated he came to show us how to love but we allways find a reason to be hateful…and honey i know just as much about the world as you and maybe more, there is only so much you can learn in a class room however the word of God which is far above a worldly education never stop educating …you have a bless day
Men all over the world treat women like this. Their national culture have alot to do with how they treat women as well, some are worse than others. They all have their own ways but all the same! I know where you are coming from when you say black guys are like this but you should see how the white guys are and how other guys around the world treat their women and what they do and put them through. Please correct that part and say it’s all men in general cause that will be more factual but you can put your emphasis on certain things that one does more than the other. TY
@Toyy I am not going to “correct” anything. This site focuses primarily on black male/female relationships and that is and will continue to be the focus.
Now if what I write is information you find valuable and applicable to other demographics, I certainly welcome your readership and hope my writing helps you. But I wrote the article I wanted to write the way I wanted to write it. You are welcome to write what YOU want that addresses the demographic that you find interesting.
This article (parts 1&2) describe the guy I used to date to a tee. He was actually the one who sent this article to me, wanted me to read it, and share whether or not I’ve experienced this in relationships, and if he was guilty of any of the behaviors. He was never physically abusive, nor did he ever stalk me, but 90% of the article was like seeing the interaction we had displayed on this blog. I’m glad that I’ve moved on and now I know what to look out for in the future. Thank you for writing this article……
Wow, I’ve read some victim mentality crap before but never to this extent. With all due respect and love, peep game, all of you so-called victims of Black men:
1. It’s got nothing to do with Black men, it’s just your collective denial to take ownership of your poor choices in men—of all hues—in adult lives.
2. Forget about praying to Jesus for a good man to come into your lives; unfortunately, you have to take personal responsibility for that one, too. I know it’s not what you want to hear. Sort of the same feeling children get upon discovering that it’s actually their parents’ credit cards that purchased those Christmas gifts and not Santa Claus.
3. I know it’s been said before but you really do attract what you are. Pause to think about this one, ladies. . . no, a little while longer.
One thing I cannot stand is stupid men finger pointing and blame shifting. You are one of the typical emotionally abusive asshats that I wrote about in the article. Nowhere in your response did you acknowledge that leagues of Black men are emotionally damaged, mentally wounded, misogynistic fools that treat women like crap and talk to females in condemning, judgmental ways just like you.
But of course you wouldn’t acknowledge that – it would make you and men like you have to take responsibility for your negative, nasty behavior towards women. It would mean that to NOT be an emotionally abusive, misogynistic asshole you would have to get off your ass and do something to change.
No one attracts what they are. That is a load of bullshit popularized by some White folks that are now millionaires because people by the millions can’t think for their damn selves. Believing that statement is the thinking of a stupid person.
People don’t attract anything about who they are! What comes into our life is someone looking to learn from us. In worst case scenarios, they are in our lives to feed off us, to use us, to get something from us. Sometimes what they are looking for is spiritual and personal development and growth, and helping them doesn’t hurt us… just helps them grow and us to learn a little more about how wonderful and learned we are.
Sadly though, most of the time people that come into our lives are seeking something that causes us pain, injury, drama, upset, emotional devastation and loss. Women’s socialization to be helpful and “nice” and to respect men comes flat up against men’s socialization that women are less than men, women are not to be respected, and men’s desire to have power over women, to control women, to smash on women, to win, conquer and kill if necessary to gain and maintain control.
Sadly, that is the case for a great many Black women that interact with damaged Black men. Since most Black men are damaged, the chances of a woman interacting with, dating, loving or marrying a Black man that is not damaged are slim to none.
So stop blaming women for men being chump users, punk ass liars, fake ass husbands, and stupid ass runaway fathers. That is BLACK MEN’S FAULT and has nothing to do with women. We don’t MAKE you be stupid – you choose to be that way.
So own it. Then do something about it. Do something to change it. Do something to turn that around. Stop blaming women for you being an abusive loser. That is your choice.
Marcus Love,
Change your name. Obviously you don’t know nothing about love, you are a stupid knucklehead who knows nothing about abuse. Hell you are an abuser and in a lame attempt to deflect and make yourself feel better, you ‘blame the victim’ for an abuser’s behavior. Common tactic, this way you don’t have to focus on your behavior and the things you do to women with your fonky blaming attitude. This article most definitely struck a nerve. As for ‘poor choices’. You need to learn something with your dumb ignorant statement. You act as though black women set out to deliberately find a man who will hurt and mistreat them.
That is not the case. The man a woman starts out with is often not the same man years down the road. Men often show their true colors when the going gets rough. You and I both know that men present only what they want women to see in order to win them over, and then down the line, they reveal themselves in layers.
BTW, men like you need to take responsibility for your choices. Most men pick women who make their dycks hard, and that’s their only criteria. Then down the line, when things don’t work out for you and that woman, you turn bitter and condemning of all women based on your shallow decision making skills. So stop it! Men rarely look below the superficial when picking women. Get out of here with this BS talk!
Typical abuser BS! Nice try though. Any sensible woman can see right through your lame attempt to shift blame to the victim. This is classic abuser tool. Predators of all types always blame the victim in order to avoid responsibility for their vile, deviant behavior. The article must have really struck a nerve. Maybe you should pause and ask yourself where do all these losers/abusers that women supposedly “attract” come from?
This article is a godsend. It is so frustrating to have these views and try to express them for the benefit of all and to have so many people in society refute them because the truth hurts so much.
Black women have consistently defended Black men more staunchly than Black men defend themselves.
I hear all of the time that these concerns regarding the negative actions of Black men are exaggerated or in limited numbers. We are in a state of denial that is keeping us in a state of emergency.
Black men are just as abusive to us white women.
I can’t wait to read part 2. I just had to say that this article validates so much of what I have gone through with black men, and confirms my decision to leave them alone. Deborrah, keep on telling it like it is!
Like one commenter suggested, I moved to a predominantly white town eight years ago, and they have still hunted me down 60 miles away. Finally got rid of the last one and I am done! There is more to life than being abused in the guise of “love.”
And while I did come from a background of family abuse, I have dated black men from all walks of life, with all kinds of financial backgrounds plus I have financially well-off married friends whose husbands talk them in ways that I have had to say it’s just a front- you’re married for 20 years, have money, kids, but at what personal price to you?
I’m a single parent not by choice, but because I refuse to live in an abusive home with a man who wants to kill my spirit… and these are college educated men…
Wow I am in a horriable long term relationship with a 38 year old bum, His mother babied him his whole life and made excueses for him. Even now he put her on me to try to make me feel bad for wanting so much more. She would never be with someone with 4 kids ,on parole, smokied out ,no job,and full of excuses, Its SO sad on the behalf of the children THEY have gotten use to us both and he trys to USE them and I am pregant with Number 5,I will be strong but I made one hugh mistake and I am sitting here alone now ,after paying all my bills myself and he”s in Nashville,”Wit da Boys” Manipulating SOME other poor victim of the NO GOOD SELF PROFESSED CHRISTIAN STREET THUG. PRAY FOR ME PLEASE I REALLY NEED ALL THE PRAYS ME AND THE INNOCENT KIDS CAN GET.
Sparkle: ‘PRAY FOR ME PLEASE I REALLY NEED ALL THE PRAYS ME AND THE INNOCENT KIDS CAN GET.”
Girl you need a big shot of self esteem and you need to leave this dude and prayer is not going to magically make that happen for you. Only you can do that.
If it is not too late, get an abortion and go on with your life. He is a total loser that you are about to tie yourself to forever. WTF would you do that for?
You are going to put an innocent baby in a situation you already know is a downhill slope to nowhere. Why do that to a child? Why have this nothing ass man’s baby when he is nothing but a big ass child himself?
What were you thinking?
What kind of example are you setting for the other children with this choice in men? You know he is useless and stupid! Why are you breeding with someone so low down on the totem pole of manhood? Where are you standards for who you allow to use your womb to procreate his genes? Men like this should NEVER be granted access to your heart or body, nor should they be provided with a child. There should be no more of his genes inserted in the gene pool of humanity.
Take a look at this video entitled What the Fuck are you Doing Having Babies With Nothing Ass Men?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL21EV9N5uA&feature=channel_video_title
You all clearly need therapy.
While I agree there are black men like this. The article lacks empirical evidence to support its primary thesis overall. And, why are women so drawn to these types men? Do you expect readers to believe that, all emotionally abusive black men, behave in stealth? My questions don’t emanate from victim blaming.
Men with your attitude are described in part two of this series – those that refuse to accept a woman’s experiences and feelings about those experiences as valid and reality without “evidence” that YOU alone have the right of approval of its evidentiary nature.
However, since this article is filled with empirical evidence presented first hand in the form of stories about their abuse, I’m thinking you don’t really understand what “empirical evidence” means… you’re just using big words to sound important and educated when you don’t know what the hell you are talking about.
No one said that women are drawn to these types. These “types” are everywhere and masquerade as great men which is why women get tricked into loving them. As a matter of fact, you are one of “these types” dude. Your attitude shows it clearly.
Lastly, I never said that the men do what they do in stealth mode. Most are very overt with their nastiness. The problem is that women don’t always recognize that how they are being treated is NOT the norm but is instead abusive behavior.
Men’s never ending thirst for power and dominance over women is a real motivator for them to say, do and behave in the most egregious manner towards females – it’s disgusting. They are so used to degrading women to build themselves up and to feel powerful that they don’t even question their right to do so. Women, operating under that “female submission” religious bullshit mandate have also been brainwashed to think being talked to or treated like you are less than a man is okay!
Before you comment further, read the second half of the article.
On point! Women need to stop believing that by nature of their lack of self-worth they are drawn to such men. These men exist every where. I tire of hearing that women need to evaluate themselves when ‘choosing’ to be with these men. No woman is choosing to be with these types of men. More often than not, these abusive men are masquerading as descent respectable human beings, the representative, if you will.
NuShooz: “No woman is choosing to be with these types of men. More often than not, these abusive men are masquerading as descent respectable human beings, the representative, if you will.”
AMEN!!!!! ^^^^5^^^^ Tell it NuShooz! I get so sick of hearing that comment! As if a woman woke up and said, ‘hmmm I’m going to go get involved with a sociopath, a miserable man who will abuse and hurt me and break my spirit just for shyts and giggles. C’mon dudes! Stop with that old tired blaming the victim mess!
I am one of your empirical evidence. Yep, that thinking is suspect….dismissing my reality.
Bougie…..it’s my name, I think! He’s from the hood, i’m from a good two parent home, suburbs, and this is how he describes me to his friends, and family. Hmmmm, makes me wonder what the hell I’m doing. 2011 is a new beginning, and I’m starting it by ending this. Thanks Deb.
Because I was from Up North, I was looked at as stuck up…yea Bougie! Said it many at times..in so many ways. Now I know it is to make you feel less so they can feel some importantance.
It a shame but the article is dead on. If you look into the backgrounds of these type of men you will see that they also either came from dysfunctional households, abusive father relationships or had trauma filled upbringings.
The LeeAnne and Neely stories are heart wrenching but situations like this play out everyday. Both women survived their tormentors and hopefully Neely will recover and rebuild herself so her man doesn’t accomplish his goal (psychological/emotional destruction). Women have to be careful when choosing men especially those cunning wolf in sheep’s clothing types.
How sad, I noticed my comment was not posted. Me and my wife were just discussing a friend of hers who fits all of your criteria and how blogs like this don’t help their are more good Black men out their then you know stay out the club and try a college campus, book store, or church its not hard me and my wife are in our late 30’s and she has never had a experience like you write about nor have I treated a black women in this way your not helping just giving a exhale to women who need to learn what a good Black man looks like.
You need to first understand that comments here require review and approval before they will be seen on the site. There are three of us that access and review comments at various times during the week, but it is not something that we sit here like Owls perched to do. We get to it when we get to it.
Secondly, if this article were about you and your wife, then your comments would be pertinent. Since it addresses a problem suffered by millions of women that are not your wife, your comparison to your relationship is irrelevant. Not only that, this site addresses singles and dating, so 99% of what we speak of here has nothing to do with married couples anyway.
And you think a woman has to “choose” a man for her to be emotionally abused by him? Have you not heard of street harassment? At school, at work, on public transportation, in streets, in airports, at casinos, at grocery stories, at libraries, women are emotionally injured by cruel, nasty men. Anywhere abusive men go in the world there are opportunities for such men to hurt women.
Stop focusing only on yourself and look at the world with open eyes. Focusing on just what YOU see or do or are as if everyone in the world is exactly like you is the sign of a narcissist – someone with a grave mental illness.
Lastly, do you really think that every woman that meets a stupid man meets him in a club? Have you not been reading about the Eddie Long and other religious leader scandals taking place all over the nation? Did you not read my article about the scallywags that run their asses up in churches every week to prey on women? Do you REALLY think that just because some man sits his ass in a church that he is a saint? You don’t think that abusive men read books, go to college, have $200,000 salaries and drive fancy cars? Do you really think only men that are broke are abusive to women?
If so you really need to wake up and get real because you are living in a fantasy world of your own creation.
Even so-called “good” Black men are emotionally abusive. Men as a whole treat women as subordinate and less important than themselves. Men want to be right all the time, and to be right that means they must make women wrong. Men want to have the power and control all the time, and to have power and control exclusively they must make sure that women have none. From what I’ve seen most men are emotionally abusive to women.
The whole point of this article is to familiarize both men and women what exactly what behaviors, words and attitudes are considered to be emotional abuse, because many women just don’t know. Your attitude is pompous and condescending towards women, blames the victim instead of the victimizer for hurting her, provides useless simplistic solutions and spouts rhetoric we’ve heard a million times before.
Every word I speak helps women. You are just being defensive because you know that men are getting their trifling asses busted out. Don’t worry, because in part 2 of this series, I will bust out you Christian men and how you manipulate and control women using scriptures. I’ll also provide a list of specific behaviors women should watch and listen for to know for certain that a man is emotionally abusing her.
Go girl. Let me know if you need help with scriptures. There were many dummies in the old testament. Jesus had to return to set them straight. They still don’t get it, (look around) Too many fools think because men acted a certain way in the old testament, that is was ok. It was never ok, as Jesus made clear. The Bible had many many stories of abuse, liars, theives, and homosexuals. Because it was in the Bible does not make it ok. They were stories written to be used as BAD examples and as lessons for us. Any man who acts as if the Bible says something in which they then try to use to control or manipulate women in any way doesn’t know squat about the Bible. Also he is not a Christian, because he worships himself. Anyone who worships God will not be hanging out looking to serve himself at some woman’s expense. One cannot serve two masters. One can sit his lazy ass in church-weekly because he got kicked off the streets. It doesn’t make him any more Christian than sitting in a garage makes him a car.
Dayum Pat! “than sitting in a garage makes him a car.” WHOOOOOOO ROFL!
This is exactly what I’ve experienced with every black male I’ve ever known even teachers and men on the street that I don’t know they will often get their friends to ta part in the abuse. Or get women that they cheat with or who they know are envious of the target to also take part in the abuse. I knew it wasn’t just me or me choosing the wrong men. Black men are abusive in general. I would advise any black woman to stop dating them and don’t try even being friends with them because its a set up and please do not allow your children to be around them its an epidemic black are dangerous to black women and children. Seems like they are all sociopaths without question I feel sorry for the black women who have sons. Get them therapy early. Don’t move to predominantly black neighborhoods avoid places where black men hang out teach your daughters to never date a black man or a half black man. There is no such thing as a good sane black man in our generation let the white women have them and them please whit ladies don’t try to give them back when they began abusing you and black dudes please understand smart black. Women do not give. A crap because your with a white chic so go parade them. And your novelty kids in front of someone who actually cares.
Yes,
you are exactly right. I am a 26 year old Nigerian woman who has been in the US since the age of 4, and about three years ago I realized an abusive behavior pattern in many African American males. When I was younger I thought it was all a coincidence, but I was wrong. The verbal abuse started when I was about 10 and the next door neighbor boys (one a year younger and the other a year older than me) decided to school me on how black males are. For years they called me ugly african bitch to my face and behind my back. I would be afraid to go outside because if they were outside and they saw me, they would make my life hell. For years I was a prisoner in my home. It got worse when we went to the same middle school. They had kids at school picking on me to. Calling me ugly africn bitch. As I became a little older and started developing as a woman in high school, the insults continued. There was this one kid in 11th grade who would always harass and torment me. Finally he decided to take things a step further and call me butterface, and had the whole school calling me that too. He was an athlete so he was very popular. Then as I got older things got worse. I am a curvy woman (I have a very small waistline and an ample behind) a few strangers thought it would be funny to touch my behind. A few strangers thought it would be funny to get in my personal space. Males would constantly go on and about my body as if that was all I had going for me. When I tried convey my intelligence, they would hurry up and make comments aboutmy body. I’ve had male strangers make comments within my earshot about how I must fuck good. I’ve had countless guys approach me and when I said no try to get combative. I’ve been in situations where I have been in fear for my life (a plainclothes officer) harassed me. I’ve had guys tell me that other guys will only want me for sex. I’ve been teased my strange males (who were adults) about having west African features. I’ll never forget the day I was walking down the street and I just looked up and there was this black guy just standing on the street. When he saw me he hurried up and took his finger pressing it against his nose. I guess he was making fun of my Nigerian nose. Ill nver forget the big smirk on his face as he was searching my face for signs of hurt feeling. He found none, I turned around and walked away. I had NEVER seen this animal nor had I dont anything to him. The guy had to be in his late 20s/early 30s acting like that. I was amazed. After that, nothing really surprised me anymore. There has been so many different types of abuse and they all came from black males that I didn’t know and didn’t even want. It’s enough. At this point I don’t even want one looking at me because all I can remember is all the times they attacked me for no reason and how many times I’ve been put in situations where I had to defend myself (verbally and physically). I didn’t know any of imbeciles. So yes I try to stay away from them and have never dated one seriously or had sexual relations with one. Depending on my mood I can be very cold to them when they attempt tp speak to me on the street, because I just don’t have time for their mess. If I could move out of this location that I am currently in, I would JET! I had 1 boyfriend in highschool who was biracial and we never had sexual intercourse. All those dereogatory comments about my body and trying to make me feel as if that’s all I’m good for stopped that from happening. Based on what I’ve experienced I believe many of them do gain fulfillment from attempting to emotionally injure women…women they don’t even know.
O-M-G this has hit the nail on the head. A couple years ago I was engaged to the father of my children. At the time we were very into church, or so it seemed, at the time. We had a somewhat strained relationship for years given that I had gotten pregnant in college and shortly left taking my sick children with me after receiving hardly any support from him and constantly going thru emotional turmoil. I moved closer to family, but sOon found out the area where my family was, didn’t have the medical resources needed to properly care for my twins. So after a few years of hit and miss and one of my twin’s conditions deteriorating, I began to communicate with their father again who had began to be more involved in their lives and appeared to be in the process of reformation thru his involvement with the church and supposedly finding Christ. Slowly but surely we began to reform a relationship, and he began talking marriage. After strongly evaluating my situaion with our children and thinking it would be a positive move for my children, I left my family, a great job, and living very comfortably to be nearer to better healthcare for my child, spiritual growth and to give my kids’ dad to be in their lives and coparent n share the responsibility with me. Upon my arrival to things immediately began to unravel. The second day there he proposed to me in front of the congregation at his church, but the same night told our inquiring son he had asked me to marry him because God told him to but that he didn’t love me. I was crushed but being so “religious” and faith filled at the time, I remained in the relationship. All my new friends went to church with us and were mostly his friends first. In front of them he would pretend to be so loving and involved, but when we would get home he would be so unattached, except for when he would want to climb in my bed for a quick sexual fix. He would do degrading sexual things to me and get his rocks off…no gratifiction for me intended at all. It was if he just wanted to humiliate me. Then he would say “we really need to stop doing this” and want to pray. I soon found out in our marriage counsaeling thAt he hAd lied to the pAsTor and others about our past. And slowly he began to just be totally unattached. He wouldn’t help me with basic things like groceries and I would have to answer a thousand questions (his way of pickin an argument) so I would either quit asking him or we could get into an argument so he could feel justified in denying me money. Then when I would confront him with the things he was doing he would leave and go tell the people at the church making like I was being difficult and not “allowing” him to be a man. He literally suggested I walk on eggshells for him and this was what he required of me for him to show me any type of support or affection. This included not wanting me to sAy anything About him staying out with other women all times of night and “ministering” to women on the phone in the wee hours of the morning. Soon it also turned into him abusing our kids emotionally and physically anytime I didn’t “walk on eggshella” or anytime I would challenge or question his refusal to support our family and sparatuc episodes of alienation and disappearing acts. He would always justify his behavior by running to the church and demonizing me and so my only support system was already biased before I could even get there. Soon he began bringing other women from his job to the church in my face and outwardly being so nice to them while ignoring me and tje children. It became so unbearable thAt I became a totally different person, the person he had lied ansd told people I was. Angry, mean, disassociated. But I stayed At the church because they were all me and my children had outside of him. I broke off the engagement but he kept up this wounded dog fisaud of an image in front of everyone as if I had mistreated “the poor good guy trying to do the right thing”. But he was cold as ice outside anyone elses view. All the while he had began stayimg with and seeing another woman and bringing her to church as one of his guests. I also began seeing someone else n shortly after found out I was pregnant ansd bRoke it off with the guy and for some odd reason tried to reconcile with my ex who onlu took the news to the church once again telling the lie that we had established paternity and the child wasn’t his. Slowly I noticed pEople weren’t as friendly anymore, me and mu children weren’t getting invited to the usual dinners we used to attend with “our” friends anymore and I begAn hearing sermons about women missing their Boaz and stories about Hosea and Gomer. Needless to say, I got a clue and left after he and his newly announced girlfriend began flaunting their relationship in front of me and our kids at the church. He would be hugged up with her and he child while uncaringly dismissing me and diregarding his own children. I had the baby and a couple weeks after on my birthday my son informed me he had taken he and his sister on an outing with he and his girlfriend. And when I confronted him about doing such a thing with our son who openly expressed his not getting over our breakup, the jerk’s only follow up was that he was going to marry the girl. And went on to ask about a paternity test for the baby. Only 5 months later he did marry the woman and called our son the week of the wedding after not talking to him for months. I really do think it was done with the sole intention to inform me of his “newfound happiness”. I could have cared less about him, but the hurt on my child’s face is what killed me on the inside. And it hurts to this day to know that I let that monster stAmp out almost every ounce of love, dignity and character I had and my children were there to witness and endure it all. I never knew what had hit me until it was all said and done. He had gotten his long sought revenge from having his ego hurt almost a decade prior. And finally I was where he had always wanted me. From being a beautiful, independent, professional, loving, mother taking care of his kids without his help, having people around us that loved and cared for us regardless… To being humiliated, no longer able to hold my head up, starting from the bottom with nothing, no friends or family, no support, living a lie, no trust, and a bitter taste in my mouth. Since then I have moved on but the scars are still there. And I wondeR from day to day if I’ll ever find me again.
We will Neely we will find us again
OMG. For Neely, I felt so bad reading this. I understand completely. So sorry you were lied to. So many men (especially black men-sorry guys; the truth hurts) are LIARS and conduct their lives pretty much the same way. The way I see it is because for so hundreds of years had the same type of BAD role models, they accepted this way of ‘floating’ through life, lying and cheating. They have not matured emotionally, even using Christianity to get away with more lies and shenanigans. Learn how a real Christian acts. Please check out Newlife.com and read the book Secrets Men Keep by Steve Arterburn. This will help enlighten you as to his real issues. God bless you and I hope you are getting through this ok.
Wow! This is really a great article. I am so sad for those that had to learn about these abusive behaviors instead of their family sitting and talking to them firsthand.