Cons of Marriage – Why Women Should Not Get Married
For more than a year I’ve watched a variety of media outlets focus on what’s wrong with Black women. We’ve been accused of having the highest incidents of new AIDS cases, being too educated and professional to be chosen as wives, being too obese, to have too many children out of wedlock, and to be the only race of women that our own men don’t want to “wife up.”
I’ve been thinking about writing on this subject for quite awhile, but was finally motivated to get off my ass after the Nightline faceoff “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man” aired on April 21, 2010 with Steve Harvey, Hill Harper and Sherry Shepherd. This broadcast follows the ABC December 2009 “Single Black Female – And Plenty of Company” which also featured giggle boy Steve Harvey.
Black men love to attempt to make Black women feel bad when she is winning an argument, puts him in check, or rejects his advances by saying “well, that’s why you’re single!” as if being part of a couple is a trophy to be won. Even the panelists expressed such trite beliefs to no one’s surprise. Why do Black men (and brainwashed women) feel the need to drag Black women down with statements that infer that in spite of our progress, we are still nothing and nobody because we can’t “get” a husband? Seems some people think our sassy, sexy, confident selves need to be brought down a notch or two.
Who Cares About Being Married Anyway — Marriage is for Suckas!
Marriage is basically a bullshit mind game played on women for generations. Women were trained to think that being married is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Until they are married and get first hand experience, most women do not understand that being a free maid, cook, breeding stock and social secretary is not a goal to strive for.
The oft-quoted statistics on marriage used to bash Black women with by ABC television and Black men certainly show a greater level of marriage amongst other races. However, those stats do not reflect how many of those marriages last, nor how many of those marriages are happy and fulfilling for the wife.
Isn’t that more important than just being married?
As I said, last week ABC’s Nightline presented a panel discussion which addressed the reasons why professional, educated Black women aren’t married like professional, educated White women are. The focus of the non-professional panelists were the reasons why Black men felt Black women didn’t know how to get and keep a man.
From the perspective of the panelists, Black women seemed to have a somewhat reduced value in the dating pool because (1) their expectations were too high; (2) their desires in a man unrealistic; (3) their refusal to settle for a man “with potential” the key reason for the high number of single Black professional women.The panel’s tired solution concluded that Black women must lower their expectations if they wanted to ever be married. But why aren’t White and Asian women told to lower their expectations if they want to marry? Why is it that only Black women are told to expect little to nothing from a man?
(this article is 5 pages long – see below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
Follow Me:
Category: Women's Issues
Hi, I love your blog. I’m from Australia and they say the same things about us and about marriage too, it’s global. Here they tell us how great “mail order brides” are and the local women are cast as easy, delusional princesses because they won’t go along with whatever half arsed effort happens to be thrown their way.
I think where a lot of the criticism of women is coming from is bleed through from the “seduction community” and “men go their own way” rhetoric making its way into the tabloid media, you know how all three of them like to stir up trouble. Thing is for all their hatred all they achieve is to drive people away from their stomping ground (the singles scene) into meeting people in environments where people with that attitude are not welcome. They then pop up all over the place calling women “stuck up Bs” for not wanting to associate with them. Rather than lifting their personal standards they tear everyone else down, it’s a vile attitude in dating or anywhere else and a serious character flaw.
As for marriage, the stakes are higher now with family households needing the extra income, a lot more is asked of women these days so men who have been coasting need to lift their game. It’s not that women now work and have rights, it’s economics, if women didn’t work the working (and increasingly also the middle classes) could not afford to have a family. It’s all well and good for a man to say he wants to marry and have children, but who is going to pay for it and who is going to have the time to raise them? They can’t have their cake and eat it too.
I was brought up by both my parents and have been married for ten years. I believe the idea of let a man be a man is regarding general respect treating your man or husband as a man and not demanding him. Men have feelings too and to not value them as such is the main reason behind most divorces. When couples lash out in anger or men treat its mostly regarding respect. We must respect ourselves as well as our spouses before we can begin to enter the covenant of marriage.
u cant just believe some so called women contradict themselves,suffocate themselves,insult them selves,cal names and give credit to some ghetto drama bros.lol..insecure is dia first name honestly dev bin brainwashed
lol..cant stp lafing
Only marry for love , life is too short to be with someone you don’t love that’s #1 , 2 is the ability for a woman to see herself as just a woman and not something different like an Icon or Goddess to be worshipped , women are to be cherished as wives and Lovers along with being a best friend , Man is what God created him to be as woman was created to be what she was meant to be , no one says a woman can’t strive for excellence in her own field and attaining it should not put her above a man , if a woman doesn’t want to grow old alone or be with someone who doesn’t love her but will stay with her for convenience sake , she should she let the man be a man or she really is better off alone
Great article, Deborrah! It’s high time women start recognizing that marriage isn’t the end-all, be-all to a committed relationship and given the high divorce rates, it is a very serious financial, legal risk one should really contemplate.
I’m right there with you. I’m not black, but I feel the pressure for women to marry is toxic and misleading, and the only reason black women are told to “lower their standards” is because their mating value is artificially held down by the media and racism, while black men, the educated ones in particular, are pumped up, maybe to make up for the centuries of degradation of their masculinity from Jim Crow, etc. (To be fair, though, I do see more and more black women dating attractive, good men of other races, so people are slowly overcoming the brainwash). Also, no one is holding men accountable for the new wave of sexism and misogyny we’ve had since the mid-nineties, the “backlash” Susan Faludi described. The reality is, women who never marry are happier and earn more money, and the world is overpopulated, so what’s really the point of marrying someone who doesn’t match you well? Sometimes I think men act like douchebags just to keep the demand for good men high so that women can’t experience the real advantage of having lower sex drives than men. Those who want to raise a child can always adopt and give someone who has had NO parents at least one, sidestepping the whole fatherlessness outcry. I think some of the pressure here can really be released if some white and Asian women – maybe Charlize Theron or Cameron Diaz – would just step up to the plate and vocalize about how great being single is, and that if women really want to improve their status in the world, they need to get over the whole getting married thing, that it ultimately just makes them beholden to men and that the opportunities and freedom for single women are richer than ever before, if only they have the guts to take advantage of it. We need to promote single ladies besides nuns (who themselves are pretty awesome) for how good they’ve got it – wealthier, freer, with intellectual hobbies and great careers, plus the ability to look good for longer and still score sex when they need some, since horny men can always be counted on. Yeah!
On one had they say don’t get married, on the next they say ‘why are so few blak women married’. Nonsense.
My name is Diana, I was in a really great relationship with Ben and we have loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years, every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2012 a day I can call a lovers day we both had a huge fight because I answered a call from my Ex that has asking me out again recently but I refused. Ben told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I begged him because I love him so much but he refused, I was so down cast and I felt the world has come to an end for me. However, my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favour in most of her endeavour but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love Ben very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman. So I ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all Ben came back to me with much love and a caring heart…i am testifying to this great spell caster cause I made that promise to him, Prophet of Goddess.I should have testified in a long time now..as a matter of some months ago..but I wanted to give this comment out when I was fully confident that things are working out well after seven months and we are in the 8 month now since then. if you need his help you can contact him on prophetofgoddess@yahoo.com or view his website http://www.prophetofgoddess.com.
What’s funny is that guys like him are always on women’s sites, whining over and over again, and then they run back to their men’s sites and high-five each other and brag about their mail-order brides that they don’t even have. White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, or Martian, they all do it.
What’s even funnier is that they brag about all the sex they get in countries that have legalized sex tourism. Everyone else knows that these guys are going overseas and paying prostitutes to keep them company at dinner, in the club, and in the bedroom, but they’ve deceived themselves into thinking their “game” has gotten them laid. Keep telling yourself that, bub!
Black women must be really special with the whole world being so preoccupied with our personal lives as if our personal lives is anyone’s business. The true problem is that the whole world expect the black woman to SETTLE, SUBMIT, DENY HERSELF, BEG FOR A MAN, KISS THE BLACK MAN’S ASS, TAKE WHATEVER IS DISHED OUT TO HER and lets not forget BE JEALOUS OF WHITE AND OTHER WOMEN. Well I say, screw that crap. No man black, white or otherwise is worth my dignity ! Some things are NOT up for settlement, which consists of my SELF RESPECT, PRIDE, DIGNITY, ESTEEM and VALUE. He or she that expect otherwise will be in for a very rude awakening.
I’m separated, and I have to say…I read this article at least once a week just to “gas up”.
I got married young. I really didn’t know myself and I had little or no expectations from my husband, even though he had a lot of expectations of me. I can honestly say that when (and if) I do get married again, its gonna be all about me; what I want, what I think, what I need.
Too many women start compromising before marriage. If marriage is so wonderful and exciting and fulfilling, why is it such “hard work”?
LOLOL!!! What a great comment. Why am I just seeing it? Honey, you read it as often as you need or want to. I will never take it down. When I wrote it, there was nothing on the web the even MENTIONED marriage as having any cons. Of course now there are, but this article was one of the very first. For some reasons marriage in America is still seen as a goal for women. I seriously do not understand why.
You need help. Reading this article makes me think of the bitter black women like yourself who wishes suffering on anybody who is happy in a relationship. I am praying for you God be with you.
If you were an original thinker and had some other word to use besides “bitter” I would actually entertain the thought of meaningful dialogue with you. But since I see you are one of those brainwashed bible thumping church women, I have no time nor interest. It would be best for both of us if you stayed your ass off my site. And keep your prayers. You need them far more than I do.
There is no need to get ugly I am just giving my honest opinion. You’re what the french call une telle chienne folle.
You haven’t seen ‘ugly’ and if your trifling silly ass thought that mild response was ‘ugly’ especially in light of you calling her ‘bitter’ then let me show you ugly.
You must be talking about your Mama, aunts, sisters, female friends and yourself! You are what the English call a stank ho beeyatch heffa with a diseased pussy that stinks for miles all across the pond from france to the USA. Now stay the fuck off this blog and take your unwanted unasked for opinions elsewhere. Right back at cha you crazy silly tired ass bitch!
Jalunna: ‘. I am praying for you God be with you….You’re what the french call une telle chienne folle.”
I’ve always said that bible thumping women are some of the meanest hypocritical bitches on the planet and will attack you like a snake as soon as you say something ‘they don’t like. They think they are doing you a favor by ”praying for you’. Where is all that so called godliness Jalunna? You didn’t like something Ms. Cooper said so you responded by calling her names (cazy bitch) in french.
If you were so godly and so devoted to “prayers” shouldn’t you have risen above the name calling? Why did you get ‘ugly’? Ms Cooper didn’t get ugly with you. In fact you started it; instead of commenting on the article, you went after Ms. Cooper attempting to belittle and personally attack her character and you don’t even know her. See you can’t trust these bible thumping heffas they just talk the talk and don’t walk the walk and they are the ones who need their own prayers. Just goes to show they don’t really mean anything about ‘praying for anybody. They just say that mess as a put down.