How to Date a Guy: Important Dating Questions to Ask and How to Ask Them

. 12/27/2011 . 0 Comments

 

#2 Were You Married Before? What Happened?

Do you really think he is going to tell you that he was on drugs and beat his wife and gambled away all the money, so she left him and that is why he is divorced? No! He is going to give you some socially acceptable vague nonsense answer about “we grew apart” or “she cheated on me” or “we got married too young.” Hey, you asked a question and you got an answer; and that is all you are ever going to get because your questions entirely inappropriate and make you come off as nosey.

Many of you ladies believe that because YOU don’t have anything to hide that no one else does. That is not usually the case. Sometimes its not that people want to hide who and what they are, they just don’t feel comfortable enough with you yet to trust that you won’t use the information they share to harm them in some way.

Your job is to ask questions gently and to avoid asking questions in a manner others may perceive as intrusive. You need to figure out if change has occurred, if the changes are positive, and if this man has learned the hard lessons he needed to learn to become a better man. Is he going to treat you better and with more understanding than he did his previous partner? That’s what you are there to find out!


 

Under the circumstances, it’s best to use the “guided questions” technique, generally defined as non-judgmental, emotion stirring questions that require some level of intellectual analysis. Guided questions are succinct and use few words; they are also open-ended and focus solely on one specific topic.

Using the guided question technique you would not ask “How many children do you have and are they all by the same woman? What happened in your last marriage and why are you divorced anyway?”

Instead you might begin by asking: “How do you usually spend the holidays?”

This gives the person a chance to explore their feelings about the holidays, feeling lonely, missing their family, the smells, childhood memories, changing family dynamics, etc. This also gives them the opportunity to say “I usually get my kids on Christmas Eve but they spend Christmas Day with my ex and her family.” You can then follow up by asking “Do you and the children have any special traditions?”

Some men say that the holidays are no big deal and it’s all a bunch of commercial hooey. If the holiday time means a lot to you and is very much a big deal, then Mr. Grinch is not the man for you.

 

#3 Are You Dating a Married or Otherwise Emotionally Unavailable Man?

Instead of asking him his status (if you don’t already know), simply ask “so how long have you been single?” This is when its time to come clean. It’s open ended enough that he has space to explain the circumstances under which he became single without you having to grill him, if he is comfortable enough to share that information with you. Whether married, living with someone, a broken engagement or just a girlfriend, this question covers all the bases.

Again, you can augment this base question with a follow up or two if he seems open to responding further. Perhaps “how long were you together?” or “what were your happiest memories?” or “what are the three things you learned about yourself that you will take forward to your next relationship?”

His answer cannot be “well I’m still technically married but we have an understanding.” Other unsuitable answers are “I’m single but I have a couple of friends,” or “we’re going through a divorce right now.” All of those are bad bets for a man if you are focused on finding a long-term committed relationship. Rebounding, not really over her, still married to her are all clues that he is not emotionally available for a healthy relationship with you.

 

#4 Dating Questions to Ask: Discovering Important Personality Traits and Family Values

Seeing eye to eye on issues of family, finances, and leisure activities are mandatory. Is he a timely person or real casual about showing up? Does he enjoy outdoor sports while your idea of a good time is a book in front of the fireplace? Does he think men are superior to women or is he more of an egalitarian? Does he appreciate the fact that you are educated, or does he think a woman’s primary role in life is to be a mother and breed babies? We all grow and change as we age and mature (though admittedly some people just age). Don’t think that being in “love” will be enough to override vastly different values.

Many women use a standard of measurement of a man’s values that I believe is faulty. Operating under the mistaken belief that the way a man treats his mother will be reflected in how he treats the woman he dates or marries, these women are excited when they meet a man that spends a lot of time with his Mom. Get over yourself! You didn’t birth him and he has no such ties to you. If he is an only child, you need to investigate their relationship in even more depth. You may never be able to dote on or spoil the Golden Child to the level his mother has!

Not only that, some men are very angry at their mothers for whatever reason they have. It won’t do to ask him “what kind of relationship do you have with your mother?” Every man in the world is going to say “fine!”

Some women also believe that a man that grew up without a father in his home has no clue about how to live with a woman and successfully negotiate power and compromise. Could we be just a bit less hasty about making negative stereotypical judgments when it comes to someone we know nothing about? Why not take the time to find out WHY there was no father in the home and who else may have filled those shoes? You need to know the answers to all of these questions and plenty more. The best way to get answers without making him feel like he’s under the hot lights is to use the hypothetical situation.

Presenting questions as a hypothetical situation draws him in with an interesting story. “I remember reading that the basketball player Isaiah Thomas’ mother was a single parent and raised him and 9 siblings alone after their father died. I swear, I don’t know how she did it! I can’t imagine caring for and worrying about 10 children by myself. We have lots of children in the black community growing up without a father in their home for whatever reason. How do you feel about single Moms raising sons? Do you think a woman raise her little boy to become a great man without a male’s assistance? Do you think there may be something missing in that man?”

The door is opened for a lively discussion where you can go back and forth. He can share his experiences whether he had a single Mom or a foster parent, whether he was adopted or was close to his father. You’ll have a golden opportunity to discover how this man’s mind works… how he thinks about family, gender, responsibility and accountability.

I think it more important to focus on whether the man had a positive role model PERIOD whether it was his father or not. A father being in the home is no guarantee of a positive model of manhood anyway. There are fathers that gamble, do drugs, beat their wives, molest their children, half work, terrorize everyone in the home with verbal rants and put downs, and show no skills of partnership. In my mind, a young man would be better off in a stable loving home without a Dad vs. a negative influence with frequent upheaval.

A positive role model can be a teacher, a neighbor, a friend’s father, an older brother, an Uncle or a grandparent. The important thing is that a young boy has a model for upstanding manhood in his life, not that it be his sperm donor.

 

(continued on page 3 below)

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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