If You Didn’t ‘Get’ How The Black Church Keeps Black Women Single…

. 07/04/2010 . 59 Comments

Naysayer Message #5:

“This article is a bunch of crap. You don’t know what you’re talking about.  You make all sorts of jumps in logic that are not backed up by research. Where did you get this information from anyway? You admit that you don’t even go to church! I don’t think any Black woman should listen to your “advice” about going to church. Black men DO want a church-going woman that believes in God. Tithing is ordained by God. You are dead wrong lady and your mind is twisted! You do a grave injustice to Black people with this tripe.”


 

Those That “Get It” Say:

  • (MEEBO Anonymous): This article really hits home. You basically say what I have been thinking all along!
  • (MEEBO Anonymous) meeboguest494421: Hi Ms Cooper! I luv your article about the black church! I came to your site because one of my FB friends posted the article. Thank you for writing it and I will be checking out the rest of the site. BTW, I am a woman and I agree with a lot of the things said.
  • (Ash V.): Hey Deborrah, I recently found your articles and I have to say, you understand the relationship situation as I see it. I’m a single, professional, black male and I’m finding it difficult to find a African-American women that I am compatible with. Your article on the black church hits the reason right on the head. I’m an atheist and once that comes out with my AA sisters, I get the doo-doo face. I was willing to work with it but now I believe I will need to meet someone who believes (or not believe) like I do. Keep up the articles and I’ll keep reading.  I think you stated it best, just have to have both sides respect each others views. I’m so glad I’m open to other ethnic backgrounds or I would have gave up a while ago. Thanks!
  • (MEEBO Anonymous): Good morning, Deborrah! It is nice to meet you. I’ve read some of your post and agree with you that Black Women need to take responsibility for our happiness. My opinion is that loving God does not mean that you don’t seek to know your own needs.
  • (Kenya): I just want to tell you that I really enjoyed your article and that your shared valid points.  It really hit close to home… one of those things u think in ur head…but u never say…SO GLAD u said it!!!! Thanks for making minds move with the truth. I read it over a week ago and I’m am still raving about ur article!
  • (meeboguest947868): Deborrah, Nice article.  I have been communicating the same message to my female friends for a few years now. Maybe this will give them new perspective. Thanks
  • (Porsha) I have to agree with the author. As a black single female, by choice, I refuse to go to traditional black churches, especially those lead by men. My wake up call came when a fight broke out in the church in which women turned over pews in anger when the pastor announced and introduced his fiancé and soon to be wife. All of these single black women were in fact waiting on this pastor to marry them, because he was secretly dating ALL of them. This is just one of many situations that keep me out of their presence. I find the information slanted and geared towards men’s favor, more than mine as a women. There was even a minister in my home town that was on the news, pairing young single black women with ex prisoners that made the news. These men were beating these young girls, impregnating them with 6-7 children, literally keeping these women barefoot and pregnant, while they worked, paid all the bills, and had multiple other women. If this is what being holy is all about……. id rather be sinful!!
  • (Willing To Listen to The Truth) Sorry ladies, but “Open your Eyes” and “sad” are telling the truth. Women just do not want to hear it. I am a Christian woman. My friend – a male – is VERY honest with me. He told me that when he wants to be with a woman that he knows is “clean” (few, if any, sex partners, compliant), he goes to church for a few months. He says he is GUARANTEED to meet quite a few women that give him their number. He said that women sit in church looking for men that they haven’t seen before and then they all try to get his attention with their dress and the way they carry themselves. In their minds, EVERY new male churchgoer is a potential husband. Then he decides which one will be the easiest to get to let her guard down. He calls, takes her out alone, and at the end of the dates, he kisses her. He teases that human part of her that needs sex – yes, we all do. Having her alone makes it ever so easy to get her to have sex – as he says, all church girls are undercover freaks cloistered in tight clothes waiting for a man to notice them.  Ladies, he KNOWS that these women rationalize the sex by telling themselves that this man was sent to the church for them. He is the ONE they’ve been praying for and it’s OK. When he is done going through the single ladies in that church, though, he moves on, leaving many shocked brokenhearted women in his wake. When he sees these ladies out and about, they are bitter, but some still hold out hope that he still wants them. How naive!! You know how I can say that? Because this friend was a man I dated. When we broke up, he told me the TRUTH and although it hurt a LOT, I am SO thankful for the lesson. With that being said: I do not think that women should forgo church – ever. I DO believe that the single women in church HAVE to be aware that even the devil sits in church. He can be FINE, single and tote a Bible. He slips in to our lives and harms us through our own ignorance and belief that we are immune to human urges, needs and temptations. God is NOT going to send a man straight to you, just like He will not send you a job or clean your house. You HAVE to put in the effort, realize your weaknesses, plan for avoiding tempting situations and God will meet you there and supply your need.
  • (Tired Black Man). That is so true. If you want a church girl all you gotta do is tote a bible and say you love the Lord and they will be all over you like flies on sh*t.
  • (CK) The single black men in the church normally will find and marry a woman who don’t even go to church and if she does, she very rarely attends. I’ve seen it.
  • (Sad) Its sad cuz those same sistahs talkin bout they “waitin on the Lord” will run a Brotha out the church tryna get him to marry her. Black men are so rare in church, he can pretty much take his pick. The church is full of horny, despite women looking for that one single brother who “loves the Lord”. I’ve seen many of these brothers using this to their advantage by being with multiple women at the same time.

    Deborrah

    Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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